Do toddlers really *Have to go to nursery/pre school?

[Turnthefanoff]

If you don’t work so it’s not a necessity they don’t go, does it matter if they don’t? Are they losing out if they don’t?
Started my Ds at pre school this week, he’s cried the whole time, much happier at home and with friends on play dates, I’m wondering if I don’t need to, why am I sending him 🤷🏻‍♀️Is it pressure from society that they should be in pre school? Or is it beneficial for them to go?

DD started at pre-school the first term after her third birthday.

I think a child going straight from home to school full time might struggle. Preschool is more about learning to socialise, get changed for PE etc, and learning through play. It isn't formal or academic at all.

If your child isn't ready yet I would leave it for a while then try again.

Of course they don't need to go. Plenty missed out on most nursery during lockdown and reception teachers were hardly up.in arms. If he's miserable there he will get nothing out of it.

There was a study about a decade ago (Gilham) that found a small but statistically significant protective effect from childhood cancers ( leukemia) of attending daycare. I guess it is the regular exposure to other children's germs so as long as you are socialising regularly.
www.webmd.com/parenting/baby/news/20050422/day-care-may-lower-risk-of-childhood-leukemia

No absolutely not!

And I dont think its "normal" for them to be upset. Our preschool was amazing and had settlign in sessions etc. Ocassionally kids were unhappy but it certainly wasn't the norm. This wasn't full wrap around childcarw though so more mums in situations like yours or who had other childcare/low hours etc.

I wouldn't perservere if a child was unhappy but try again in a while later or a different setting. Some are friendlier than others.

Also, of course kida who have bedn in nursery 2 years will have developed and "come on" etc. There's a huge difference between 2 and 4 and a child not in nursery will also have developed, come on and changed significantly!

I think there is a benefit from 3 . But only if they enjoy it. No benefit to being sat somewhede upset.

Of course they don’t have to, it’s not compulsory, none of my 4 have been, though people do find it odd!

My dd has just started. 3.5 and not been away from me before, not toilet trained either so it’s hard
I’m not sure we will carry on going to see how it goes 😬

No of course they don't, assuming they get lots of socialisation and varied experiences with their parents, and their independence skills and motor skills and so on are encouraged at home and out and about. If you choose not to use any childcare or preschool setting you do owe it to your child to ensure they get out and about lots, run around in the park, climb, jump, swing, splash in puddles and all that old fashioned stuff plus some crafts for fine motor skills, lots of book reading, and the chance to play with other children. Its really only children who's parents can't provide that or who need childcare who need to be in a childcare setting - however lots of children do enjoy it of course!

If your child has more than a year before starting reception I'd definitely leave it if he doesn't like it, make sure he does lots with you and maybe go to stay and play or similar groups or let him join whatever sports clubs might be running, and try preschool again for the year or six months before reception.

3 mornings a week sounds ideal! Long enough to get used to it and not that long in the gram scheme of things.

I would persevere, otherwise 9-3 at school will be a shock and once he’s settled he’ll have a blast!

Are the playdates going to be available once all his little friends are at preschool and nursery, though? They'll be inviting their new friends to things because they spend more time with them.

The first time I'd ever met another child was on my first day at school (also right at the very last moment). It didn't help me, tbh.

It’s not compulsory however it is beneficial for social development
You do need to allow for settling in and be positive as they take cuss from you

No it is not necessary. DD has to go as otherwise there'd be no one to look after her while we're in work, and on balance I think it benefits her, though there are certainly negatives.

If we didn't have to send her we wouldn't.

@Turnthefanoff I didn't send mine. We had lots of time together before she went to school and we loved every single minute. I was hounded by people saying she would have a terrible time when she starts school, she isn't socialised enough blablabla.

Anyway, she went into reception absolutely fine, no tears from her even once. She loves it and is thriving in school. Lots of other children including my cousins who went to preschool to 'be ready for school' cried and was upset for months. Perhaps they were scarred from being forced to go to preschool when they were too young, needed their mummy and quite frankly didn't want to 🤷‍♀️

It does benefit them, there are loads of studies on this. The benefits tend to rely on various factors though - such as group size and qualifications of the staff - and it generally trails off by age 7 anyway. So, it depends.

I wouldn’t say crying would be a reason not to send him, it’s new to him and it takes time to settle in. Will they let him stagger start?

I don't think he did cry the whole time.

Otherwise the nursery would have phoned you and asked you to take him home.

Pumperthepumper the proven benefits are actually only to children from deprivation homes. Good childcare does no harm to children who's parents are well educated, well-enough off to provide a comfortable well equipped home, and in good enough mental and physical health to be emotionally available to their children - but it doesn't create better outcomes for that group.

*deprived not deprivation

My worry would be, what happens when he starts school and going on is non negotiable? It's impossible to tell whether he be more ready or more clingy by then.

I don’t think it’s necessary to send them tbh. So long as you mix with other children of a similar age. Most kids won’t gain much from it before 3 really.

Dd1 could have done with waiting, she started at just 2 as I was working and my DM couldn’t have her anymore, so she had to start 2 days a week. She hated it and never really settled. If I could have taken her out I would have.

Dd2 really wanted to go and started asking if she could from age 2. She didn’t have to as by this time I was only working evenings and I wasn’t going to start her before 3 knowing how upset dd1 had been. As she was so keen I let her go one morning per week from 2.5 and she loved it. They’re all different.

It probably has some benefit for them to go for a couple of terms before they start school, just so the can get used to the set up before they have to go full time, but before that I wouldn’t bother if you don’t have to and it’s upsetting them.

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

Pumperthepumper the proven benefits are actually only to children from deprivation homes. Good childcare does no harm to children who's parents are well educated, well-enough off to provide a comfortable well equipped home, and in good enough mental and physical health to be emotionally available to their children - but it doesn't create better outcomes for that group.

That’s not true, there are benefits regardless of background, and as I said the factors that influence those benefits generally come from the staffing, layout and management of the nursery. I can send you some reading on this if you’d like?

They don't have to go but it can often make the transition to school easier. There was a mum at groups I went to who refused to send her twins to preschool and their first term at primary school was horrendous - they struggled with being away from her, with the structure (even though Reception isn't very structured!) and the length of the day. Mine was used to being in nursery and preschool (3 long days a week) and found school a very easy transition (she was disappointed the school day is so short!). They often do cry initially when settling in - mine's preschool had CCTV and so I could see she wasn't crying and was happily playing within seconds of me leaving the room which helped reassure me!

How old is he? If he's a toddler ie two then no, absolutely no reason or need for him to go, he can socialise anywhere with you. If he is a year or less from starting school that's when it starts to become beneficial. Learning the structure of the day, taking the register, sitting on a mat and listening, following the rules, waiting your turn, eating with other kids etc. Teachers always say they can tell the kids that have gone to preschool and those that haven't.

No, I wouldn’t use childcare if I didn’t work. I can see some benefit in going for a half term before starting reception just to get used to being left etc.

If you are happy and able to provide a stimulating environment at home I wouldn't send him.

I also found that mine did loads more at preschool than she'd have done at home with me - we did toddler groups etc, plenty of outside play, getting messy, baking etc but she got a much wider range of activities and experiences from being at preschool.

He cried and was saying ‘But I want my mummy’ 😢usually very excited and confident and independent. Should I wait a little longer to see? I feel terrible sending him if it’s upsetting him and we don’t really have to! I imagined he’d love it, not be upset