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Original poster

Do toddlers really *Have to go to nursery/pre school?

139 replies

Turnthefanoff · 05/09/2021 16:38

If you don’t work so it’s not a necessity they don’t go, does it matter if they don’t? Are they losing out if they don’t?
Started my Ds at pre school this week, he’s cried the whole time, much happier at home and with friends on play dates, I’m wondering if I don’t need to, why am I sending him 🤷🏻‍♀️Is it pressure from society that they should be in pre school? Or is it beneficial for them to go?

OP posts:
SunbathingDragon · 05/09/2021 18:46

They don’t have to go. Just like they don’t have to go school (you could home educate instead), it’s just for the majority it ends up being much more beneficial for them.

Bunnycat101 · 05/09/2021 18:50

If he’s a summer born boy starting next September I would persevere with sending him in. There is so much for the little ones in the year to get to grips with. I think you’ve got a bit more wriggle room with the autumn borns but it is a hard ask for them to go to school at just turned 4 and be able to be fully independent with toileting, socialising etc if they haven’t had time to practice.

EmeraldRaine · 05/09/2021 18:53

It's good for their socialisation and they get early years education so they'll learn more there than they will at home.

He just needs time to settle in. You just keep reassuring him and he will settle in eventually. If it's three days in a row, until he's settled can you not take him on the middle day then introduce it in a few weeks?

RandomMess · 05/09/2021 19:03

I would decide if you are going to defer him starting school for the extra year. If you defer I would leave it.

With Covid I would defer school if possible as they've missed out on socialisation and so much other stuff.

Mischance · 05/09/2021 19:11

No of course they do not need to go if you are at home. Just enjoy him - he will be a spotty teenager before you know where you are.

Once upon a time people used to feel guilty if they sent their children to nursery; now it is all turned on its head! How is it that children who did not go to nursery managed to get on in life at all I wonder?

Treasure this time with him and do not get sucked into the guilt vortex of "socialising" him or thinking that he will not be able to cope with school if he does not go to nursery. It is all a con.

He is a lucky wee lad.

EvilPea · 05/09/2021 19:14

I did a very short period of nursery with mine before school. We had an absolute ball. It did make school slightly harder start. But I wouldn’t have swapped that time and adventures.
It totally depends on your child and your life though.
I think somewhere along the line we’ve got a bit standardised in our attitude to children and childcare, but everyone’s circumstances and children are different. So do what’s right for you and yours

elbea · 05/09/2021 19:25

There is a benefit to children going to nursery at age 3 generally, it linked to better speech and movement development.

There is a clear benefit to children from deprived backgrounds going to nursery earlier (hence the 30 hour funding for children from poorer backgrounds).

eprints.lse.ac.uk/68047/1/Anand_Development%20and%20happiness_2016.pdf

adreamofspring · 05/09/2021 19:29

Given your update about his age it’s worth a try so that the same thing doesn’t happen at school gates next September. Either persevere and be sure that he really is upset the whole time and not just at drop off or reset and start again in jan with loads of positive play and reinforcement from you about how fun it is so he doesn’t pick up any reticence from you.

Tumbleweed101 · 05/09/2021 19:31

They don't need to go but learning to interact with their peers and following instructions from other adults is beneficial. Nursery will also give experiences you might not at home. Children are often unsettled initially but it shouldn't take too long for a 3yo to find their feet.

BastardMonkfish · 05/09/2021 19:32

If you have a child who doesn't cope well with separation and is prone to becoming anxious/crying/lashing out I think pre school is an excellent way to prepare them for the school routine, and also to build resilience. I know it's hard to see him crying, but sometimes children have to cry.

SnackSizeRaisin · 05/09/2021 19:39

It's heartbreaking when you leave them and they are upset. Every mum feels this I think. However I would give him at least 5 sessions, if necessary ask if you can pick him up after an hour so he doesn't have as long at first. You will probably find that he stops crying pretty quickly. But if he doesn't settle after a few sessions then you can just try again after Christmas, or try a different nursery, if you have any misgivings about this one.
I don't think having a socially confident child means they will be more easily left without mum at first. However they are likely to really enjoy it when they settle in. My daughter does really enjoy it - she would be fine at home too I'm sure but I think nursery is good for her. For a shy or quiet child who didn't like all the noise it might be better just to keep them home.

Ponoka7 · 05/09/2021 19:43

My eldest grandchild didn't enjoy Nursery and in the end we just socialised her ourselves. She hasn't suffered for not going. She might have suffered if we had have forced her to go. She had no issues starting school at four.

BoredZelda · 05/09/2021 19:44

They don’t need to go, but if he is crying there all day, every day when there, I’d be a bit concerned about how he will be at school, it isn’t that far away.

Summersnake · 05/09/2021 19:44

Mine didn’t,but they didn’t go to school till they were 10 either .
All adults with good jobs ,or at uni now

icedcoffees · 05/09/2021 19:47

[quote elbea]There is a benefit to children going to nursery at age 3 generally, it linked to better speech and movement development.

There is a clear benefit to children from deprived backgrounds going to nursery earlier (hence the 30 hour funding for children from poorer backgrounds).

eprints.lse.ac.uk/68047/1/Anand_Development%20and%20happiness_2016.pdf[/quote]
But isn't the deprived backgrounds thing because those children generally wouldn't get much interaction or learning at home?

Whereas if you're home with an (I hate to say it) educated middle class SAHP who takes you to museums, playgroups and activities with other children, the difference between being at home or at nursery is probably much much smaller.

shouldistop · 05/09/2021 19:47

I think it's beneficial from age 3. Ds1 cried at drop off for almost 2 weeks but settled fairly quickly after I left. He absolutely loved nursery and it really benefitted him, he's started school now and it's just a shame he missed out on 6 months of nursery with the lock downs.

Blueroses99 · 05/09/2021 19:53

@Turnthefanoff

He cried and was saying ‘But I want my mummy’ 😢usually very excited and confident and independent. Should I wait a little longer to see? I feel terrible sending him if it’s upsetting him and we don’t really have to! I imagined he’d love it, not be upset
Yes wait longer for him to settle in. I also didn’t have to send DD to nursery but chose to so she could experience a different and more structured environment, and to socialise eight other kids. She adjusted after a few weeks and loved going there. If I’d pulled her out after the first few teary days, she would have missed out in the long run. Wait until October half term before making any decisions.
elbea · 05/09/2021 20:04

@icedcoffees yes, but the benefit to speech/movement at age 3 isn’t linked to income. It’s obviously general and doesn’t apply to every single child but in general there is some benefit.

One interesting things they found is that children who stay home with parents but go on lots of outdoor trips with their parents have worse movement skills. Attributed to time in the pram whilst on the outings compared to children at nursery running around and exploring.

RampantIvy · 05/09/2021 20:15

I had to be with DD as her carer when she first went to pre-school. All the kids who cried when their parents left were absolutely fine after a very short while.

Can you ask the staff if your son settles after you have gone?

Thebig3 · 05/09/2021 20:22

If its only been a week I would definitely preserve. I have seen many children start school in reception who have never been to any previous childcare setting and have really struggled with the adjustment of starting school and being away from their parents.

What will you do next September when he starts school if this is the same reaction?

LidlMiddleLover · 05/09/2021 20:24

No they don’t at all Nursery is for the parents not children's benefit.

Pumperthepumper · 05/09/2021 20:26

@LidlMiddleLover

No they don’t at all Nursery is for the parents not children's benefit.
Nonsense.
TartanJumper · 05/09/2021 20:32

Of course they don't have to, but IME, it's much better for them to go.

Definitely give it a few more weeks, and speak to the staff to see how he is once he's inside. He also doesn't have to go every day, if it's too much for him.

RedMarauder · 05/09/2021 20:33

@LidlMiddleLover

No they don’t at all Nursery is for the parents not children's benefit.
If this was true some councils wouldn't fund 15 hours for 2 year olds with specific needs.

Whether it is a benefit or not to put your child in childcare depends on what you do with them at home.

I know children who are/were fine at school who never went to nursery, had a childminder or any other OFSTED registered carer before they started school. However I know their parents and what their parents were teaching them.

TartanJumper · 05/09/2021 20:33

@LidlMiddleLover

No they don’t at all Nursery is for the parents not children's benefit.
Rubbish. The nursery hours are a PITA- can't get much done 9-12 by the time you get home and have to set off again. Nursery teaches children so much- sharing/taking turns, new experiences, socialising, etc.
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