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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do toddlers really *Have to go to nursery/pre school?

139 replies

Turnthefanoff · 05/09/2021 16:38

If you don’t work so it’s not a necessity they don’t go, does it matter if they don’t? Are they losing out if they don’t?
Started my Ds at pre school this week, he’s cried the whole time, much happier at home and with friends on play dates, I’m wondering if I don’t need to, why am I sending him 🤷🏻‍♀️Is it pressure from society that they should be in pre school? Or is it beneficial for them to go?

OP posts:

LittleMG · 06/09/2021 08:32

Ok, I’ve worked in a nursery and I’m now a parent. I’ve been the teacher that wants to get rid of a parent because the kid will stop crying if they’d just leave. Now I’m the parent, well I wouldn’t leave my crying kid 🤷‍♀️ if my little boy really didn’t want to go I wouldn’t take him. Maybe he’ll go when he’s a bit older.

MinesAMassiveSalad · 06/09/2021 13:39

One if mine really seemed to get nothing out of his local authority nursery year. Went no trouble, never kicked up a fuss, but seemed underwhelmed.

The staff had me up the wall though because he didn't do the things he was "supposed to" and just came across as very subdued. So they saw him as unable to communicate with other children etc.

Next year he was in school and did very well and was remarked on as particularly mature and cooperative.🤷

I did take him out for a few sessions during the final weeks of nursery for trips out with friends and doing stuff together and I'm so glad I did that at least.

Rubyupbeat · 06/09/2021 13:45

They don't have to go into reception either.
Some have just turned 4 and are doing a whole day at school, seems much too young for a child to be in a classroom to me. There wasn't reception classes when mine were young.

Goldbar · 06/09/2021 15:06

Nursery has greatly benefited my DC. However, they are a very active, sociable only child and we live in an urban area with a tiny garden. The nursery has a huge outdoor space with grass, mud and trees which they use even in the winter and, according to the staff, my DS hardly ever comes inside. The staff are fantastic and my DC really clicks with them... DC starts the day with bear hugs for their favourite ones and then waves their hand at me, "You can go now, Mummy".

Not all nurseries are equal (many London nurseries for example operate in cramped, indoor spaces and have more of a classroom set-up). And not all children are the same. So it really is a question of weighing the benefits which a particular nursery can provide to your particular child, rather than a binary "nursery good, home bad" or vice versa.

Saracen · 06/09/2021 15:29

@Rubyupbeat

They don't have to go into reception either. Some have just turned 4 and are doing a whole day at school, seems much too young for a child to be in a classroom to me. There wasn't reception classes when mine were young.

I agree.

Or, if you want your child to go to Reception but they don't seem ready for a full day (regardless whether they did nursery or not), you can send them to Reception part-time until the reach "Compulsory School Age" in the term after their fifth birthday. The school cannot refuse to allow this - see the School Admissions Code.

Or, if your child still doesn't seem ready for school at five, you can delay their start until they are older by home educating until whatever age you think would be best for them start school.

Whatafustercluck · 06/09/2021 15:41

No reason they have to go at all. We chose to send ours to get them used to bigger groups old other children and they both thrived on the interaction. I feel sure though that they'd have thrived had we been in a position to keep them home. Really depends on what opportunities you provide for them to interact with other children. Plenty of play groups out there.

Sparklybanana · 06/09/2021 15:42

3 mornings a week isn't long enough for him to settle in properly yet. My ds was very upset at first and was super clingy but he trots off happily now but still clingy to me in all other ways. That suggests to me that he really enjoys going. They get such a huge amount of play, friends and independence that with all my kids, it's been worth it.

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 06/09/2021 16:06

No they don't have to go if you don't want them to.
Two of my three didn't go and did very well, oldest didn't go till he was three and did well too.

MrsFlinch · 06/09/2021 16:45

No absolutely not if you don’t want them to go or if you don’t feel that they are ready.
Eldest was more than ready but unfortunately couldn’t get a place a the local nursery at the time.
Middle one I got a place but he took a long time to settle in and wasn’t quite ready to let me go. Although he did settle eventually.
Youngest got a place settled really quickly but, after a few months her behaviour changed and she started refusing to go. She was getting quite upset on a daily basis so decided to pull her out and keep her home with me until she was due to start reception.
I realised she wasn’t as ready as I initially thought. Went into reception happy as Larry!

waterBottle78 · 11/09/2021 10:39

I’m reading this with interest as need to find ideas for my 3 year old who is not attending nursery

I was thinking of doing activities at home then meet ups and play dates for socialising etc is there anything else that’s good

MinesAMassiveSalad · 11/09/2021 10:56

Pretty much everything you do with a three year old can be educational as it were if you are involving them and talking about it as you go.
I liked a pre school musical class we went to. We went to the pool to splash about and there were group classes for three year olds. (This did not speed up the swimming process but that's another thread!) It was a nice morning out with an early lunch at the sports centre.
Whatever you do don't let it be a chore. Find stuff you both like.

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 13/09/2021 22:28

@waterBottle78

I’m reading this with interest as need to find ideas for my 3 year old who is not attending nursery

I was thinking of doing activities at home then meet ups and play dates for socialising etc is there anything else that’s good

We went on playdates, swimming, parks, lots of things at home like painting (loved doing it outside) Shaving foam play, baking, we read stories and went to the library weekly for books. Mine also went shopping with me, they helped by getting things I asked for like I'd ask for one box of cornflakes, or 4 apples etc etc.

Rosebel · 13/09/2021 22:45

I do think it benefits them, my aunt was a teacher and said you could always tell the one's who had gone to nursery. I think it helps with things like sharing, taking turns and gives independence.
Having said that perhaps your son isn't quite ready but I'd try it for a few weeks. He might make friends and settle then. It'll probably be harder if you leave it until he starts school.

LittleRen · 13/09/2021 22:45

I have three boys… eldest is now 8. I have been able to stay home with them most of the time and genuinely would have chosen to have them at home with me all of the time. I sent them all to pre school 15 hours a week - the two eldest took two months to settle, the middle the worst… he had to be pulled off me screaming and crying, one day he just walked in and didn’t look back. My youngest has Judy started and really surprised me.

Personally I think they need it - but if I didn’t feel that it benefitted mine would be at home every day.

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