Do toddlers really *Have to go to nursery/pre school?

[Turnthefanoff]

If you don’t work so it’s not a necessity they don’t go, does it matter if they don’t? Are they losing out if they don’t?
Started my Ds at pre school this week, he’s cried the whole time, much happier at home and with friends on play dates, I’m wondering if I don’t need to, why am I sending him 🤷🏻‍♀️Is it pressure from society that they should be in pre school? Or is it beneficial for them to go?

My son didn’t go to pre-school, nursery or any childcare setting. I am a sahm so didn’t feel that it was necessary for him. We went to various toddler groups, music class, toddler time at trampolining, farm group, lots of things like that and he socialised with other children from my friendship group every week.

He started reception a few days late due to a family wedding abroad too so went straight into full days, he took to school like a duck to water and has always been on target with his learning goals so it didn’t affect him in that regard either.

@Turnthefanoff

He cried and was saying ‘But I want my mummy’ 😢usually very excited and confident and independent. Should I wait a little longer to see? I feel terrible sending him if it’s upsetting him and we don’t really have to! I imagined he’d love it, not be upset

I appreciate it's difficult seeing them upset, but being upset on drop off isn't the same as being upset the whole time he was there. How old is he and did you chat about pre-school prior to him attending?

Pumperthepumper I did extensive reading on the subject years ago as part of a child psychology module as further professional development, and again about 14 years ago when it was relevant to my own children, but I've no skin in the game now. Perhaps there is new research, but certainly what I wrote was what I concluded from reading the large scale studies available between 20 and 15 years ago. Of course studies can be found to prove almost anything, but I went into the research thinking children"should" go to childcare, and changed my mind.

Turnthefanoff It would be relevant to say whether he's only just 2 or nearly 4 though! The younger he is, the less reason there is to send him.

My little one is ready I think anyway (2.5 yo). He is an only child and has no social contact with anyone other than kids in the park where he watches children play and often wants to interact. He gets upset when they go home etc but I can tell he clearly needs the kiddies social interaction. I take him to places like soft play, park but I'm on my own most of the time and don't have play dates etc. I had a few friends from mums group but I stopped going there for over a year now and seem to have lost contact with them.

With my DD (20 months) I wasn't planning to send her to nursery apart from the school nursery (year before reception) but because of lockdowns she had such few interactions with children of any age, let alone her peers, that we started her in nursery at 18 months for 2x morning sessions a week.

At first, she cried, didn't want to go, etc. But that was because we had been her whole world for as long as she could remember. Once she got the hang of being dropped off by DH and collected by me, knowing we would be there after lunch, she goes in without a backward glance at DH now and comes running out with the biggest smile for me!

I do think some kids take longer to get used to it, and that it does benefit them socially.
Maybe speak to his key worker and talk about your worries and give it a bit longer. Once he settles, you might find there was nothing to worry about at all

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme

Pumperthepumper I did extensive reading on the subject years ago as part of a child psychology module as further professional development, and again about 14 years ago when it was relevant to my own children, but I've no skin in the game now. Perhaps there is new research, but certainly what I wrote was what I concluded from reading the large scale studies available between 20 and 15 years ago. Of course studies can be found to prove almost anything, but I went into the research thinking children"should" go to childcare, and changed my mind.

There definitely is new research, as I said, I can send you some if you’re interested on learning more.

As a rule I'd say it benefits them. My son's speech came on a lot once at present-school. Prior, he was at home there his family understood what he meant even if it didn't really sound like it. My daughter experienced more foods that helped her be less fussy. Children learn to share and play with other children etc. However, if he is really unhappy then at what cost? I do think it's too early to call it so soon though. Crying initially isn't unusual. Sometimes I do think that they can be a bit too young and be fine a bit later on when they are old enough to understand that you do come back. Try to give it a month and then reassess.

As everyone has said. No, they don't 'have to' but most dc gain a huge amount from it.

How old is he? Will he start school next September, in which case it might be a good idea to send him a few mornings a week so he gets used to the school type setting. They will work on getting him "school ready" too.

My daughter missed most of her preschool. She should have attended from Jan 2020 to July 2021, so 18 months. She actually ended up attending for about 8 months due to lockdowns etc. And even for those 8 months she did about 1.5 mornings a week. She starts school tomorrow and is fine, meeting expecting socially and academically.

So no I would not say its essential and maybe you could wait and send him later in the year or next year if he is only 3.

I was a SAHM and sent mine to 2/3 mornings a week term time only, from age 3. I didn't want every day as I wanted to have time at home with them too, and be able to go for whole days out when we wanted to. I was a better mother for those few precious mornings of me-time and going the bit they did helped them gain independence for when they started full time in Reception.
Do what feels right for you! With 1on1 care from an attentive mum at home they'll do just as well as a kid in day care, sharing helpers with other children.

No they absolutely do not need to go and can get all the socialisation and learning at that age without going. I HAD to send mine to a childminder as I was working but there is no way I would have sent in a crying child if I wasn't.
Reception is like nursery anyway, it's just a play environment most of the time and by then they are older and better able to handle it. I think a lot of kids aren't ready until they are older. I've heard of some parents just sending a child for one term before receptionist at age 4 which can work well as they are more independent.
Obviously if a younger child loves it then great, crack on but I don't see the benefit to sending a a child who isn't ready and is upset.

I think a lot of preschoolers will struggle because many haven’t had the same experience of socialisation over the last 18 months.

If you do take him out then I would use the time between now and him starting school to get him used to being with people other than you and knowing when mummy leaves she always comes back

He turned 3 in July

I also believe it’s a great way of easing in to school. If they’ve never been away from you, it can be even harder for them to separate from you for full days 5 days a week all of a sudden! When they’re littler they might cry but they very quickly settle into the routine - plus it’s less formal so there’s more adults and chance for that nurturing relationship than in school with less adults.

I also think it’s a great way to develop social skills with peers and begin to learn phonics/numbers etc - but I think my primary reason would be as above regarding settling in to being away from you for short periods before school.

Also, all of the routines will be so familiar if they’ve had some pre school exposure - using unusual toilets, where to put coats and bags etc, sitting down together for activities, eating meals with friends etc.

Essential, no. But my DC was crying and anxious at drop off at preschool and in fact generally struggled with behaviour and emotions all through preschool. I was really glad he had the opportunity to get used to a school like setting in a smaller and more nurturing environment than reception class, with more adults to support and a more “part time” attendance model. It stood him in good stead, though it was hard at the time. He’d have struggled enormously to go straight into reception class from being at home with me, especially as most of his peers were at preschool/nursery so weren’t available for play dates and most toddler groups were a bit “young” for him. My other child, total opposite personality, would have been miserable at home with me, the happiest day of their life was going back to preschool after lockdown.

So I think a good preschool or nursery is beneficial for most children. But certainly not essential or even beneficial for every child. They’re your child, you know them best.

My DD never went...
With a CM from 8 months who took her to toddler groups etc.
I was going to put her in due to peer pressure but then Covid happened.
She loved reception, no issues and cant wait to start Yr1.
To echo a PP though, I think it depends on the individual child & their personality.

It really depends on how much you do at home yourself. Do you do all sorts of crafts, decorations for celebrations, singing and dancing? I’m a stay at home mum but send my 3 year old to a nursery, because I’m not willing to do so many different things each day. We go to the park, swimming, cook at home, read books, paint and play and that’s about it. For my child nursery is 100% beneficial. And most kids cry for the first few times. She now loves going, runs in not looking back and I’m the one asking for a kiss goodbye.

No need. We chose to use our early years funding for a childminder for 2 years - preferred the 'home from home' ethos, smaller number of children than pre-school, and CM was great at trips out etc. No probs with settling into reception.

It's absolutely fine if they don't go.

Nurseries and pre-schools are pretty new in terms of childcare - we all coped just fine before they came along!

A couple of generations ago, children mostly were born into large families. Now that is relatively rare. pre-school is a chance for them to interact with other kids.

Small children aren’t one homogeneous mass - I think it’s beneficial for some and not for others. You know your child better than anyone so do what you think is best for them.

@FangsForTheMemory

A couple of generations ago, children mostly were born into large families. Now that is relatively rare. pre-school is a chance for them to interact with other kids.

They don't need to go to pre-school to interact with other children, though.

No they don't. I dont regret much in life but I do regret putting my ds2 through 18 months of preschool. He was too young and not ready and was miserable. Wasnt the preschool, my others went there and loved it. He took to school like a duck to water at 4.5

No they absolutely do not need to go. Especially if you don’t need to leave them.
When I was born there was no playgroups or nurseries etc. I rarely saw another child except my older brother until one day I went on the bus to school. 5 days a week.
I am no worse off from not going to nursery.
I used to play a lot on my own at home as brother was mum older than I. I have always enjoyed my own company and had a great imagination which is probably to do with having to entertain myself.
My children had to go to day nursery a few times a week and I really wish I hadn’t had to sent them. I believe children in this country are expected to socialise too soon and be independent too early.