Upset by triggering photos

[ChockaChick]

A lady in a group I’m in lost her twins at 20 weeks. Today is a significant anniversary for her and she has posted a photo of them on her personal newsfeed.

I have also suffered from loss and waking up to dead baby pictures really wasn’t what I needed this morning. I want to tell her to put them behind a trigger warning.

That would make me a nasty insensitive bitch though, wouldn’t it? She has every right to mark the anniversary as she chooses. She wasn’t protected from suffering at all so why should she have to protect others from it?

@GingerAndTheBiscuits

It can be really damaging to see a dead body.

I think this is a peculiarly English (British?) response to death. A body in the aftermath of an accident or violent death, of course. But a body that has been carefully prepared for viewing, as has been the case in every Irish funeral I’ve been to, isn’t damaging, any more than the grief caused by the loss of that person. It can be cathartic too. I took my then pre-school age DD to my grandfather’s funeral, after I’d sat with him for some time after he’d died, and she kissed him goodbye, as did many of us, or others stroked his hair or his hand. No lasting damage.

I appreciate a baby is different than losing a grandparent, but I have a couple of friends who have lost babies late in pregnancy and I have huge admiration for the fact they have shared photos of their babies. If that helps them in their grief, then good, because I imagine not much helps in that moment or in the many moments that follow.

I think you’re right in general terms. Here. death is a taboo subject. I’ve been to more funerals than I can actually remember. Probably about 12/13 and I’ve never been to an open coffin funeral.

Sometimes I think it would be better if we were exposed more to death then it wouldn’t be such a taboo.

@RJnomore1

It’s a terribly emotive and complicated topic but in consideration I don’t think you are unreasonable.

No one would post a photo of any other dead relative publicly on social media. It would be seen as disrespectful to the deceased.

At 20 weeks she wouldn’t have any other photos of her cherished babies than after they had passed.

Unless she has a “I post about my deceased children” in her bio then it’s not about ‘posting to her own Facebook page’

That’s her Facebook with her friends and family on. She’s not posting the photo on the school class WhatsApp or posting it through your letterbox. How can you speak that way about a someones dead baby? That comment might be one of the most disguising things I’ve read on here @MyMabel you are vile.

It's very weird to post that kind of photos on social media And I think they definitely need a trigger warning!!! And this comes from someone who wouldn't even need it

Is it weird to post photos of your kids on social media?

@Blue4YOU

And to add - if someone told me it triggered them/reported to Facebook/asked me to warn people etc I would never speak to them again.

Would you stop someone talking about cancer or the loss of a teenager through suicide or car accident etc.?

No, just babies. What a lovely bunch of people roam the world.

TALKING about it it's perfectly fine!

Posting a picture of a dead person is something completely different!!!

Newspapers have trigger warnings for pictures of spiders!!! It's about being aware that other people may be deeply disturbed by those images

Yabvu. what gestation was your loss? I'm sorry about that.

I'm sure she is 1000% more triggered by photos of live children than anyone is if her babies. Should all children have a TW? I genuinely think if children born sleeping have to have one then all should

What is it about the fact the baby isn't breathing that is so offensive

It’s not that it’s offensive, it’s because it’s distressing.

When the news gives a warning of distressing images some people don’t need that, some people appreciate the warning to steady themselves and some know themselves well enough to know they can’t manage it for whatever reason is personal to them. It’s certainly not about ‘offence’ as far as I can tell.

It’s all very well lamenting how as a society we are removed from death but we are where we are and it’s still widely accepted that it’s disturbing and largely traumatic. I don’t think it’s any one persons right to ‘fix’ that because it genuinely is so distressing for some people and it’s not right to go wading into peoples emotions with complete disregard for the havoc caused.

Did you just compare arachnophobia to people posting pictures of their children?

At what point is it offensive then.

My daughter was born absolutely broken, her hand and foot had broken and reset in pregnancy (unknown to me) and she couldn't breathe or move. Would the pictures as soon as she was born be ok?

When she was put onto a ventilator she was swollen and many of her bones had broken during her birth as well as those that had broken and reset. Would they be OK?

When we were told she wouldn't survive and we took photos of her in the little cupboard we were shoved into so as not to upset the parents with living kids in the NICU, Would those be OK?

What about when her ventilator was removed but her heart was still beating?

At what point did my darling daughter become so offensive to others?

Guess I should have put a trigger warning on my post there too

@Buttons294749

Yabvu. what gestation was your loss? I'm sorry about that.

I'm sure she is 1000% more triggered by photos of live children than anyone is if her babies. Should all children have a TW? I genuinely think if children born sleeping have to have one then all should

Why not just put it? I'm social media lots of people put Trigger warnings when talking about sensitive topics. It's not an attack on you, or saying anything bad about your baby. All it's saying is warn others who might be distressed, others who've gone through the exact same as you

@Copium nobody is suggesting she shouldn't have taken the photos or keep them herself

it’s not right to go wading into peoples emotions with complete disregard for the havoc caused

She shared photos of her beloved children on her own Facebook. She didn't wade into anything.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

it’s not right to go wading into peoples emotions with complete disregard for the havoc caused

She shared photos of her beloved children on her own Facebook. She didn't wade into anything.

It was shared on a Facebook group, not her own page.

I must say I don't understand why she would share something so precious and painful with strangers, it is such a private thing. I wouldn't want my little one exposed to the gaze of everyone, she would be mine and her father's and family's. I'd post my memories of her. However it's done now, poor woman. I doubt the op was the only member of the group to find it upsetting and it may not happen again.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

I’m so sorry for your loss and I’m horrified by comments from people who have no idea what it must be like. I do feel slightly differently when other bereaved parents express difficult emotions upon seeing photos but I still think everyone has a right to show their beautiful babies.

It’s a hard one but I’m sorry I think YABVU. As others have said, these photos are all she has. If you find it triggering, unfollow her so you don’t see them again or any future photographs.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult
I'm so very sorry for your loss of your daughter. Thank you for sharing here. I 100% agree with you, it's completely offensive to ask someone to put a trigger warning on a photo of their child and I'm shocked other people can not see that.

It was shared on a Facebook group, not her own page.

Today is a significant anniversary for her and she has posted a photo of them on her personal newsfeed

Thank you @Mickarooni and @MistyFrequencies.

I'm 2 decades on from my sons death and over a decade on from my daughters now and realise the shit I put up with at the start of my journey as a bereaved parent so others didn't feel uncomfortable. I won't let another bereaved parent put up with the shit I did if I can possibly help it.

Today is a significant anniversary for her and she has posted a photo of them on her personal newsfeed.

It’s on her personal feed

People keep on saying she posted it 'in the group' but if you read the OP and her subsequent posts it clearly states she shared it on her personal newsfeed. She can share what she likes on her own page.

@Plumtree391 I presume people on her FB not strangers?

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult I'm sorry. 💐 xx

• It was shared on a Facebook group, not her own page.

I must say I don't understand why she would share something so precious and painful with strangers, it is such a private thing. I wouldn't want my little one exposed to the gaze of everyone, she would be mine and her father's and family's. I'd post my memories of her. However it's done now, poor woman. I doubt the op was the only member of the group to find it upsetting and it may not happen again.*

1.It was her own page not a group.

2.until you've been there you can't judge what you'd or wouldn't do or how things would feel. Even then, it's personal and individual.

1. Exactly how many memories do you think people have of their babies that were still born or died soon after birth?

This is a general comment , not necessarily aimed at you but most protest seem to be made by people with completely subjective and arbitrary rules over the "done" thing.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

Thank you *@Mickarooni and @MistyFrequencies*.

I'm 2 decades on from my sons death and over a decade on from my daughters now and realise the shit I put up with at the start of my journey as a bereaved parent so others didn't feel uncomfortable. I won't let another bereaved parent put up with the shit I did if I can possibly help it.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

Unless you've had a late loss like her (you say your loss wasn't as late hers) then you have NO fucking idea what this woman is going through.

Maybe she is triggered by seeing healthy full term babies all day every day all over social media? Should we put trigger warnings on every photo we post?

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

I think it’s awful that bereaved parents have to navigate the painful loss whilst also considering other people’s feelings. What the fuck is that all about?! Would I be upset at seeing a stillborn baby? Well, of course, it’s very sad and I’d feel sad for the family. As a non bereaved parent, I don’t get to say that my sadness trumps their right to share photos nor is my emotion relevant in the grand scheme of things. I fully appreciate bereaved parents are not one homogeneous group, so opinions will vary but honestly, I think it is one of those things if you’ve not been through it, you need to listen to people who have.

Those poor souls. I'm sure they'd much rather have pictures of their children playing with a ball or graduating, but they'll never have that. The only picture of the most precious person to them is one where they are deceased.

Why can't people understand that? It's like saying "oh that picture you put up of Ben playing with his trucks it should have a trigger warning"

Someone might have looked at that picture and it's hurt because their child died last year of cancer. Do you consider that before posting? No, of course you don't because if you are the type of person to share pics of your family on social media, then you do so because you love them, and they are important to you.

If you are constantly being upset by certain posters or social media, then just remove yourself from the situation.

Social media messes with my mental health so instead of staying on it and upsetting myself, I don't use it at all.