Upset by triggering photos

[ChockaChick]

A lady in a group I’m in lost her twins at 20 weeks. Today is a significant anniversary for her and she has posted a photo of them on her personal newsfeed.

I have also suffered from loss and waking up to dead baby pictures really wasn’t what I needed this morning. I want to tell her to put them behind a trigger warning.

That would make me a nasty insensitive bitch though, wouldn’t it? She has every right to mark the anniversary as she chooses. She wasn’t protected from suffering at all so why should she have to protect others from it?

By using your own logic, your siblings death isn’t the same, just like my parents isn’t. Unless you’ve lost a baby and have had exactly the same grief journey as OP’s friend, then you have no idea. By saying you would post a TW and she should to means you are dictating. You don’t get to dictate. You do you, you leave others to do what they want with their grief.

Me giving my opinion that at I would and should is not dictating. Dictating would be reporting the post because it has no TW and insisting it should be taken down

I literally have personal experience of grief. Being bereaved doesn't mean you can't be considerate of others, it's not a big ask to just give a warning. Still confused what the objection is. To reiterate, I am not bothered by such pictures, I find them emotional, but not disturbing. The TW is for other mothers with lost babies, not for me. Why not just put a TW for them? You can still have your picture up, just so it's not sprung on them.

My siblings death obviously isn't the same but it's sensitive so I'd put a TW, that's literally it, I didn't say I know what it's like to lose a baby and it's not a competition to prove which is worse.

@EvenRosesHaveThorns But women who can’t conceive or continue to carry a baby has to look at living children.. not at all a baby is a baby Angel or not!

Your ‘triggers’ are yours and yours alone to manage. If you find things upsetting you need to put things in place so that you have processes to deal with it.

It’s not up to anyone else to censor their feelings and wishes to make your life trigger-free. That’s up to you.

I lost my first daughter at 20 weeks. I have two photos. They were taken by the nurses on duty as I was too out of it (I had to have a d&c under general and drugged up to the eyeballs. That whole day is fuzzy.) to do it myself so they are quite clinical and definitely not as 'staged' as I would have liked them to be. I would have preferred her to be covered, like she was tucked up, for example. There isn't much I can do about it though so they are what they are and they are immeasurably precious and beautiful to me. They are all I have. There will be no other pictures.

I have never shared them publicly. I don't want too. I'm not brave enough to be honest. If someone were to use words like 'grim' and 'tasteless' about my daughter or to imply that she's some kind of secret that should be kept private I would be heartbroken. There is a stigma around loss, around death in general actually, around talking about it and definitely about sharing images and I don't have it in me to fight that fight. Not right now.

I think your friend is very brave to share her photos. And I don't think you should say anything to her. It isn't yours or anyone else's job to tell her how she gets to grieve or what she gets to share about her children or imply they should come with some sort of warning. I am sorry for your loss, truly I am but she doesn't have to censor her children to spare another's feelings. I was very triggered by posts about pregnancy and babies in the months after my loss but I never would have expected people not to post about them, especially on their private feeds with their family and friends, I simply quietly unfollowed so I didn't have to see it.

This week has been really, really hard for me, my first daughter should be starting year one of primary school. Yet there will be no back to school photo. I don't get to see her grow up. My second daughter is starting reception and there is a always a voice at the back of my head saying 'there should be two', two new pairs of shoes, two little people skipping off to school but there isn't and there never will be. So I skim over the posts of kids of a similar age and swallow it down because this is my grief and I have to deal with it.

@Ostryga

Your ‘triggers’ are yours and yours alone to manage. If you find things upsetting you need to put things in place so that you have processes to deal with it.

It’s not up to anyone else to censor their feelings and wishes to make your life trigger-free. That’s up to you.

How can you manage it if there's no warning? That's the whole point. If there IS a TW and someone clicks on it, they can't blame anyone

That's exactly what warnings are for. If there is a TW for suicide, I can keep scrollling. Likewise a TW for stillbirth and miscarriage gives others the option to keep scrolling.

@DeadButDelicious

Very well put! Sorry for your loss

I lost at 22 weeks and people putting these pictures up is probably the only thing that actually 'triggers' me on social media and the only reason I understand the purpose of a trigger warning.
It's so painful.

@Theunamedcat

My friend had a late loss her photos are covered by a "sensitive content filter" which you can click on and it reveals the photo

Perhaps suggest that?

No don’t do that

Just scroll past if it's triggering to you, you can hide posts, snooze people for 30 days or unfollow to. I lost my son at 26 weeks and find photos of other people's living babies triggering, especially baby boys, I never say anything just snooze them and scroll past its my issue not theirs. Likewise I have shared a few photos of my dead son, he is dressed and the photos are black and white, they are the only photos I will ever have of him and I love him. No one has said anything negative about them, I will not put a tw on photos of my son. If anyone has a problem they don't have to look. I have done lots of things other people who havent lost a child think are weird. I hugged and kissed his body and spent 8 hours with his body before leaving the hospital, his dad and I visited him daily at the funeral home before his funeral and cremation, and would talk to him and hold him because that's the only time we were ever going to have with him. It's not something I would do with an adult relative but probably would do if my living son died as a child or teen. Iv never been squeamish about death or bodies, I don't view them as gross or something to feel shame about. People frequently post photos of their deceased children in the loss groups I am in, it is helpful for them to be told how beautiful their child is. Most berevement/baby loss groups have a scroll past rule if you don't like it. Please don't ever report her photos or suggest she puts a sensitive content filter on them, that would be intensely hurtful.

People are more than entitled to put photos of their own children on their own social media.

You are more than entitled to unfriend or hide that person if you don't wish to see the photos of their children.

You could see anything on the internet at any time, so if you feel that something could 'trigger' you, take a break for a few days. Do not try and police the grief of others.

Its absolutely offensive to suggest putting a trigger warning or sensitive content warning on photos of our children.

@DazzlePaintedBattlePants

I think it’s really quite grim to share photos of deceased people full stop, let alone babies. I don’t think the OP is unreasonable at all; if they are going to share graphic content, at the very least they should use a warning. Grief does not give you carte blanche to do what you like.

I’ve got to agree with this. I know a lady who posted a photo of her baby that had tragically passed away and it didn’t look like it was asleep at all.

It’s an absolutely tragic situation and my heart really goes out to the parents it if I were you OP I would just unfollow her.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP.
I’ve lost at 6 weeks which I obviously have no photos of and 36 weeks in which my daughter was stillborn. I wouldn’t ever think of putting up a trigger warning, to me she is perfect. She looks like she’s sleeping in some photos but in time she’s clearly dead, dark lips etc. But she’s still my girl and I wouldn’t think to write trigger warning. I’ve only got 85 photos of her and that’s so much more than some.
Please unfollow or hide the images but don’t tell her x

I have a friend who has suffered baby loss, and in subsequent years has blogged about dealing with it, and life following. She is incredibly open and blunt around the topic and shared photos of her darling babies. I did find it so uncomfortable at first, but you know what? That was my issue. Her babies are her babies, and the way she has shone a light on her experiences has helped many other people and very much not about me. I’m super proud of her.

My cousin put a photo of her baby who died not long after birth on Facebook. I found it harrowing, especially as I was pregnant at the time myself. I personally would never have done that or shared such an intensely private and painful moment with strangers. However, like PP has said we all grieve in different so I would never ever risk adding to her pain by sharing my thoughts to her on her putting a photo of her deceased baby on Facebook.

@Wineandroses3

My cousin put a photo of her baby who died not long after birth on Facebook. I found it harrowing, especially as I was pregnant at the time myself. I personally would never have done that or shared such an intensely private and painful moment with strangers. However, like PP has said we all grieve in different so I would never ever risk adding to her pain by sharing my thoughts to her on her putting a photo of her deceased baby on Facebook.

Yes, I should say though I do personally think it's perhaps not the best idea to put these pictures online outside of baby loss groups, that doesn't mean I would dream of saying anything or reporting the posts.

I haven’t suffered a loss so I can’t speak from that perspective. I do have one DD though and when I see photos of peoples babies they’ve lost it gives me a bit of a panic attack, I just can’t imagine that feeling at all and it’s not something I want to see, although they do have my utmost sympathy.

I do think social media should monitor more closely the images that are uploaded by general users. You see some thing that have the blank “are you sure you want to see this - it may contain distressing images/content” and you can choose wether to view it - I do think this should be a manual option too. So parents who have had losses can upload the photos as they please but also give others the option to view from their feed. That way they’re not restricted in posting what helps them and others who grow we differently can choose not to see but to sympathise nonetheless.

@loveyours

By using your own logic, your siblings death isn’t the same, just like my parents isn’t. Unless you’ve lost a baby and have had exactly the same grief journey as OP’s friend, then you have no idea. By saying you would post a TW and she should to means you are dictating. You don’t get to dictate. You do you, you leave others to do what they want with their grief.

Me giving my opinion that at I would and should is not dictating. Dictating would be reporting the post because it has no TW and insisting it should be taken down

I literally have personal experience of grief. Being bereaved doesn't mean you can't be considerate of others, it's not a big ask to just give a warning. Still confused what the objection is. To reiterate, I am not bothered by such pictures, I find them emotional, but not disturbing. The TW is for other mothers with lost babies, not for me. Why not just put a TW for them? You can still have your picture up, just so it's not sprung on them.

My siblings death obviously isn't the same but it's sensitive so I'd put a TW, that's literally it, I didn't say I know what it's like to lose a baby and it's not a competition to prove which is worse.

Because saying your child is a trigger or could be offensive to someone is offensive in itself. Can you not see your own hypocrisy? Just because they’ve died they don’t stop being your children. You’ve been very quick to tell others their grief for people close to them is not the same, we’ll take your own advice. The loss of your brother isn’t the same experience of other people’s grief and frankly, your opinion of how others deal with theirs means sod all. Your suggestion that a trigger warning in a post of a child isn’t a lot to ask us really offensive.

The people that say to just hide or unfollow.. it means having to see the images first to know to do this, then the ‘damage’ is already done as the saying goes.

I don’t think it’s fair to post photos of dead babies for all to see without choice. She chose to post them, but other don’t choose to see them - it should be made a feature that you should put a ‘are you sure you want to view this’ button on photos you know are or may be sensitive to others.

Excuse typos. I’m cooking.

People should hide their children and their grief so it doesn't upset you, who is lucky enough to have your dd with you? Pretty selfish of you really.

Why should we have to hide our children so others don't have to think about infant loss?

Hi, she should put a warning on regardless. I can’t think that anyone else needs to see those photos apart from her and her other half. Posting nice words in memory of the babies -yes; posting photos of tiny, dead babies - definitely not. You can never tell what people will post so something to give others the heads up would be appreciated.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

It’s not about your children, no one have a vendetta against your children, alive or not. It’s the fact it’s a photo of the deceased - there are people that have been through infant loss and would find it extremely upsetting to see a deceased child on their page. I don’t see anything wrong with posting photos of deceased children if that’s what you/they want to do - but others should have the choice to protect their own mental health against physically seeing a dead body. That isn’t fair.

The written post is enough to raise awareness or whatever it is you want to do, not everyone needs or wants to see photos of dead babies and just because someone lost an infant doesn’t make them entitled to see a dead baby. Sorry to be blunt but I don’t understand why people can’t see how that is unfair. Death is a really difficult subject at the best of times.

It is a vendetta against our kids though.

I find it upsetting to see photos of kids that are the age my kids should have been, should I request a trigger warning on photos of people's children because it upsets me?

I see people on here complaining about their kid, and sometimes I feel like telling them how lucky they are to still have their kid. Should I request trigger warnings in those posts?

Things trigger people all the time. We should not have to hide our kids away because it may upset others.

Do you think we got trigger warnings before our babies died?

If you feel triggered by it, and have a friend who's child has died, then protect yourself and hide them or don't friend them on social media. Protect yourself.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult how does that apply to women, including the OP who started the thread very clearly explaining the situation, who have lost children saying they find it upsetting and triggering? You can’t force everyone in a similar situation to feel the same way you do.

I think the reality is that if it were an image of an older person who was dead, there would be a trigger warning. It's not a vendetta against anyone's children. But there is an existing mentality that it isn't appropriate to post pictures of dead bodies, especially without a trigger warning.