Upset by triggering photos

[ChockaChick]

A lady in a group I’m in lost her twins at 20 weeks. Today is a significant anniversary for her and she has posted a photo of them on her personal newsfeed.

I have also suffered from loss and waking up to dead baby pictures really wasn’t what I needed this morning. I want to tell her to put them behind a trigger warning.

That would make me a nasty insensitive bitch though, wouldn’t it? She has every right to mark the anniversary as she chooses. She wasn’t protected from suffering at all so why should she have to protect others from it?

how does that apply to women, including the OP who started the thread

I presume that the op knew this lady is a bereaved parent.

She should expect this lady to acknowledge her kids ON HER OWN FACEBOOK PAGE and could have unfriended her or muted the page if she wasn't ready to hear about her babies or see them.

She put photos of her children on her own personal Facebook page, where she should be free to share her children with her family and friends.

I wouldn't force anyone to feel as I do, that's why I protect myself, and don't expect others not to talk about, or otherwise show off their kids, whether they are still here or not.

If you can't handle a bereaved parents grief then don't have them on social media. It's really that simple.

An older person would have a lifetime of photos to share, a baby does not.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

An older person would have a lifetime of photos to share, a baby does not.

I appreciate that, but having options isn't the only reason many wouldn't post those pictures, it would be the nature of the pictures themselves.

I appreciate that, but having options isn't the only reason many wouldn't post those pictures, it would be the nature of the pictures themselves.

Do you think if parents had the option to share a photo of their child alive or dead they would choose those photos.

The choice is to hide their child away under trigger warnings and worry about how others may react to the worst thing thats ever happened to them, or to share the photos of their child with love and pride as any other parent would.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult She should expect this lady to acknowledge her kids ON HER OWN FACEBOOK PAGE and could have unfriended her or muted the page if she wasn't ready to hear about her babies or see them.

But it’s isn’t her own Facebook page. It wasn’t private, it’s public to her friends list. Unless she has a “I post about my deceased children” in her bio then it’s not about ‘posting to her own Facebook page’ people use the platform to show/tell the people on their friends list who see their content what they’re doing and what they’re up to usually. - Facebook don’t allow images or videos of abuse, murder, death, animal abuse or death. Why is it ok to share it about babies of all things?

If she wants to share things between her close friends and family who have agreed that they want to see photos of the child she lost them she either need to restrict the post content to only those people (on Facebook this is doable) or make a WhatsApp group with those who wants to see. It’s unreasonable of you to think X out of Y of her friends, family and acquaintances on her Facebook should be solely responsible in restricting the content they see from her on sensitive subjects.

So you expect people who have friends with infant loss to remove them as friends and not see slant of their other content because “I can’t cope with your dead baby”? You really do sound self entitled and selfish.

I can understand being upset by them but I can also understand her wanting to share them and not feeling like she should have to content warn about the only picture she has of her child. So I don't think anyone is being unreasonable, really.

It can be really damaging to see a dead body. Death is a really difficult thing to accept for most - that why pictures of dead bodies are generally frowned upon. Baby or not it’s still very distressing. Yes, it might be the way that the parent of that child copes, but they don’t cope purely on the assumption that everyone else has to look at their dead baby surely? I mean why? Why is ours you find comfort in having every Tom, dick and Harry see your deceased child? Once a photo is out on the internet it is there forever. Nothing is ever private.

But not everyone is that child parent, not everyone can mentally cope with seeing the dead. Even emergency service workers who are trained and warned that they’ll see dead bodies, are given counselling to deal with it when they have to come across this in their role. The general public, who aren’t pre-warned about the loss of an infant or the fact there are photos to follow are prepared for that.

I can understand being upset by them but I can also understand her wanting to share them and not feeling like she should have to content warn about the only picture she has of her child. So I don't think anyone is being unreasonable, really.

^That’s how I view this too. I’m so sorry for your loss, OP, and for your friend’s loss, too.

So you expect people who have friends with infant loss to remove them as friends and not see slant of their other content because “I can’t cope with your dead baby”? You really do sound self entitled and selfish.

Its entitled and selfish to complain about a mother sharing pictures of her children on her Facebook page.

We have to consider others on a daily basis.

We can't talk about our babies to people TTC or who are pregnant because they find it upsetting.

We aren't allowed to mention our kids to other parents because they find it upsetting.

We aren't allowed to post the photos we have to our Facebook pages that have friends and family in there in case other people find it upsetting.

Our children's names cause other people to shuffle uncomfortably.

People even cross the street to avoid talking to us.

We have to put up and shut up all the time so our grief doesn't impact anyone else.

So, yes, she is more than entitled to share her children on her Facebook, the same as anyone else does because it's all she bloody has left, and her children do not need a trigger warning.

Yes, it might be the way that the parent of that child copes, but they don’t cope purely on the assumption that everyone else has to look at their dead baby surely?

Because that isn't their dead baby, that is their baby, who they love just as much as you love your children.

We want to talk about our kids and have them acknowledged just as much as any parent does, but our options are significantly limited.

I'm sorry OP, that would have sent me into a tailspin too. I have some very precious photos of my dead daughter, but I have never shared them online. Partly because they feel so very private and intimate, but also because I would think twice about people who might be just going about their day and being confronted with unexpected pictures of dead babies.

So many people have trauma which sort of lurks below the surface. Most of the time, I can cope very well with everyday life, but an unexpected image like that would really unbalance me and I would be back to experiencing flashbacks. I don't think it is selfish to speak about your trauma, any more than it would be to post pictures of your dead child. But OP, if you do speak to her about this, do it in a few weeks time. This isn't the moment.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

Yes, it might be the way that the parent of that child copes, but they don’t cope purely on the assumption that everyone else has to look at their dead baby surely?

Because that isn't their dead baby, that is their baby, who they love just as much as you love your children.

We want to talk about our kids and have them acknowledged just as much as any parent does, but our options are significantly limited.

The reality is that it is both. It is your baby but it is still an image of a dead child. There's no way around that.

YABU. The key thing here is that it’s her feed. It’s her feed, her babies, and her loss, she can post what she wants. Loss and mourning is very common, and no one has a right to be protected from it or to dictate how other people deal with their own experiences. Telling her that what she considers the sight of her beautiful babies is triggering and should be censored as if they obscene will be very upsetting to her to the point she will never get over it.
She is seeking support and comfort from her post on this anniversary. If - understandably - you can’t provide that, then take yourself away from her feed for a few weeks until it is easy to not see.

The reality is that it is both. It is your baby but it is still an image of a dead child. There's no way around that.

Thanks for the explanation

The fact is a parent has the right to share photos of their child on their Facebook page without having to consider the feelings of others.

Unless every photo of every child comes with a trigger warning then it's completely unfair to expect our kids to be hidden.

Would you expect any other child to be hidden away? What is it about the fact the baby isn't breathing that is so offensive.

I was fortunate that I got photos of my daughter when she was alive, but she was on a ventilator, her bones were broken, some had reset the wrong way around etc, should I not share them just in case they offend someone, or is it OK because she has breath in her lungs?

@MyMabel

It can be really damaging to see a dead body. Death is a really difficult thing to accept for most - that why pictures of dead bodies are generally frowned upon. Baby or not it’s still very distressing. Yes, it might be the way that the parent of that child copes, but they don’t cope purely on the assumption that everyone else has to look at their dead baby surely? I mean why? Why is ours you find comfort in having every Tom, dick and Harry see your deceased child? Once a photo is out on the internet it is there forever. Nothing is ever private.

But not everyone is that child parent, not everyone can mentally cope with seeing the dead. Even emergency service workers who are trained and warned that they’ll see dead bodies, are given counselling to deal with it when they have to come across this in their role. The general public, who aren’t pre-warned about the loss of an infant or the fact there are photos to follow are prepared for that.

What about all the countries and cultures where viewing the body ,saying goodbye, kissing the deceased, keeping watch over them, open casket etc are the norm? Are they all incredibly damaged?

The reality is that it is both. It is your baby but it is still an image of a dead child. There's no way around that.

So it would be ok if it was a picture taken 2 seconds before the baby died?

@AccidentallyOnPurpose - I didn’t say everyone did I?

Also, people in those situation still have a choice of whether to go and see the deceased. They choose themselves whether they have the mental strength to see the deceased. People on Facebook don’t get that advantage when it’s posted by another users without ore-warning. They’re subjecting to seeing that content regardless of their wishes.

They’re subjecting to seeing that content regardless of their wishes.

'Subjecting' people to seeing our beautiful babies? Are you for real?

Maybe you should unfriend any bereaved parents you happen to have on social media just in case their pain and suffering happens to infringe on your life at all.

This is prob the only and def last pic she will have of them

She is allowed to show her babies off with love and pride

They are her children, her love for them is equal to that of any mother. I'm sure she would love to have different pictures to display, sadly that couldn't happen.

I've had loses myself at various stages, but I just couldn't begrudge a mum sharing all she has of her precious children.

Maybe all children's pictures should come with a trigger warning to protect people who never got to bring their babies home.

@AccidentallyOnPurpose

The reality is that it is both. It is your baby but it is still an image of a dead child. There's no way around that.

So it would be ok if it was a picture taken 2 seconds before the baby died?

Well, yes?

I should say again, I'm not saying it's not "ok". I'm just saying I do think it's likely to cause distress.

It can be really damaging to see a dead body.

I think this is a peculiarly English (British?) response to death. A body in the aftermath of an accident or violent death, of course. But a body that has been carefully prepared for viewing, as has been the case in every Irish funeral I’ve been to, isn’t damaging, any more than the grief caused by the loss of that person. It can be cathartic too. I took my then pre-school age DD to my grandfather’s funeral, after I’d sat with him for some time after he’d died, and she kissed him goodbye, as did many of us, or others stroked his hair or his hand. No lasting damage.

I appreciate a baby is different than losing a grandparent, but I have a couple of friends who have lost babies late in pregnancy and I have huge admiration for the fact they have shared photos of their babies. If that helps them in their grief, then good, because I imagine not much helps in that moment or in the many moments that follow.

Can't believe people think it's normal to post photos of dead babies and adults without a warning, I've lost a baby, I would not dream of posting photos without a trigger warning, not everyone is in the right place to see it. Just give people the option

It’s a terribly emotive and complicated topic but in consideration I don’t think you are unreasonable.

No one would post a photo of any other dead relative publicly on social media. It would be seen as disrespectful to the deceased.

@ EishetChayil I’ve looked her up and it wasn’t - it’s driving me a bit mad as I’ve endlessly scrolled to find it but I think it was one of those reels that Instagram suggests you look at