To feel sad my looks are fading

[Losinglooks21]

Name changed for this, I know Aibu but just feel so sad that in every photo anyone takes of me I look awful. I am now 42, feel like I have progressively aged over the last two years (maybe covid/ lockdown related). Does it ever get better in your mid forties or should I just hide from the camera forever more?

Yes, I did too, but it doesn't mean I'm not sad that I don't even register as a woman with men these days.

I do too, but only with men who I find attractive. I do miss spontaneous flirting with men and that buzz of a fleeting attraction. But that's different from saying I miss having unattractive middle aged blokes admire me. In fact, dare I say some of them still do.

I think it's likely you do, just that they don't all admit it to you. Women generally do care about becoming invisible in middle age.

I think it's a bit sad to compare not being noticed by unattractive men to being 'invisible'. I don't feel 'invisible'. I don't get male attention in the way I used to of course, and as I said above, that does bother me. But only when I also find the men attractive. I honestly do not believe that middle aged women are harking for the days when one of their dad's mates used to perve at them in the pub.

"I honestly do not believe that middle aged women are harking for the days when one of their dad's mates used to perve at them in the pub."

No, but they may miss having an attractive man ten years older than them offer to buy them a drink with no expectations from that. Older doesn't have to mean 30 years older and I didn't say unattractive men either.

"that's different from saying I miss having unattractive middle aged blokes admire me. In fact, dare I say some of them still do."

Yes, but my point about older men was for those of us who are not attractive and don't normally get attention from men our own age. If you're good looking, it's different.

@malificent7

I've been comimented by men half my age even though i look a mess...i think they like " experience!"

Ime younger men are far less bothered by age. They either find a woman attractive or they don't. If they're much younger they often haven't got a clue how old you are either, other than that you're older than them, and they couldn't care less about it. They don't have the insecurities of some middle aged men who need to prove they can still attract young women and so reject older ones on principle.

No, but they may miss having an attractive man ten years older than them offer to buy them a drink with no expectations from that. Older doesn't have to mean 30 years older and I didn't say unattractive men either.

I'm not sure all that many attractive men buy drinks for unattractive women a mere 10 years younger.

Also, not everything is about looks or youth. Most people aren't especially physically attractive at any age. A man who considers relative youth to be the only asset a woman has isn't worth bothering about.

I look much better in my late 30s then I did in my 20s when I had acne and didn't take care of myself. But these days, I eat really well, take supplements and get lots of sleep. I also got a stylist to do my colours and found out which ones to wear and not to wear. Wearing the wrong colours makes you look old and worn out. Honestly this is better than botox.

Looking back over photos made me realise that you can actually look better as you age, not worse.

@Gwenhwyfar

" I now see my mum/grandma in me when I never did when I was young!"

I see my brothers and uncles. I'm turning into a man!

this made me smile!

I haven’t become invisible. Like a pp I receive compliments from other women which is really nice. Men my age still notice me but in the same way that I notice them - a kind of wistful “if only we were 40 years younger...” kind of way. I know of only one man my age who’s matured into a silver fox, most of them have fared far worse than the women.

@Blossomtoes

I haven’t become invisible. Like a pp I receive compliments from other women which is really nice. Men my age still notice me but in the same way that I notice them - a kind of wistful “if only we were 40 years younger...” kind of way. I know of only one man my age who’s matured into a silver fox, most of them have fared far worse than the women.

Definitely agree with this.

I see stylish, attractive women in their 40s, 50s and well above every day.

I can't remember th last time I saw a similar aged man about whom I could say the same.

@IcedPurple

No, but they may miss having an attractive man ten years older than them offer to buy them a drink with no expectations from that. Older doesn't have to mean 30 years older and I didn't say unattractive men either.

I'm not sure all that many attractive men buy drinks for unattractive women a mere 10 years younger.

Also, not everything is about looks or youth. Most people aren't especially physically attractive at any age. A man who considers relative youth to be the only asset a woman has isn't worth bothering about.

I think the point being made is that there's almost a hierarchy of looks that goes: attractive young women, attractive older women/less attractive young women (with debate as to which is highest of those two) and unattractive older women. When an unattractive woman gets older she falls a place down the hierarchy and thats reflected in withdrawal of attention even from men who would previously have offered it based on her youth. I think this is what's being said?

Younger men might compliment me but they wouldn't take me home to meet their mum. Not that it's a bad thing...i prefer older men nowadays and dp is lovely!
For some younger men i think scoring an older woman is a right of passage.

I think the point being made is that there's almost a hierarchy of looks that goes: attractive young women, attractive older women/less attractive young women (with debate as to which is highest of those two) and unattractive older women. When an unattractive woman gets older she falls a place down the hierarchy and thats reflected in withdrawal of attention even from men who would previously have offered it based on her youth. I think this is what's being said?

Yes, I think that's right.

But are women really that caught up on attention 'offered' to them from men, even from men they'd never fancy themselves? I honestly don't think so. I can't imagine men categorising themselves into 'hierarchies of looks' in this way, and lamenting that their mum's friends no longer leer after them.

I have ASD so I don’t know if that colours my view but I am only vaguely aware of what anyone (including me) looks like, what they wear etc. I am rough-looking as fuck but my self esteem has never been in any way linked to how I look . It must be difficult for those who are conscious of losing their looks though.

@IcedPurple

I think the point being made is that there's almost a hierarchy of looks that goes: attractive young women, attractive older women/less attractive young women (with debate as to which is highest of those two) and unattractive older women. When an unattractive woman gets older she falls a place down the hierarchy and thats reflected in withdrawal of attention even from men who would previously have offered it based on her youth. I think this is what's being said?

Yes, I think that's right.

But are women really that caught up on attention 'offered' to them from men, even from men they'd never fancy themselves? I honestly don't think so. I can't imagine men categorising themselves into 'hierarchies of looks' in this way, and lamenting that their mum's friends no longer leer after them.

I think being thought of as attractive by men is one yardstick by which heterosexual women measure their attractiveness, yes. Because after all that's what attractive is generally taken to mean, sexually attractive. Men do do it as well, most fully get the concept of a hierarchy of attractiveness and would place themselves on it. They're just typically more generous to themselves than women, and more inclined to include their other attributes, wealth, success etc rather than looks alone.

To the posters saying you can look good at any age.. good maybe, the same? No. Op I also find it hard. I’m in my mid 50’s and even a good haircut/makeup doesn’t give me the spark and glow I once had. My dd has that now!

Botox helps a bit but i am lucky that I’m happy with my life in other ways. There’s nothing we can do anyway!!

I think it’s just about adjustment. Accepting change . But,you can still look good, that has nothing to do with age. My DM always had an interest in clothes, tailoring and fashion. She would make clothes for us too as children and adjust my clothes as an adult. She regularly shopped in charity shops, changing buttons and adapting things.She never stopped making an effort right up until she died in her mid 70s. I remember the consultant at the hospital checking her notes and apologising for putting her on a geriatric ward. That made her day!

To all the people saying, ' now that I am older I am really glad that I no longer attract male attention/ why do you want male attention anyway, it sucks!'

Well, I'm a heterosexual woman in her very late 40s and I have an active sex drive and so unsurprisingly, yes, I do want men to look at me and find me sexually attractive. Just because you are in your late 40s or your 50s, it doesn't mean your desire for sexual pleasure has pissed off.

I’m 47 and I feel (and look 😁) great! I look after myself though, as soon as I stop exercising regularly, drink too much and over eat, I start to bore DH about how rubbish I feel, until I get off my arse and start back on my healthy happy path. I do HIIT, heavy weights, lots of long dog walks, mountain biking, kayaking and horse riding. I eat a plant based diet in the main but so have some cheese every day. Loads of water. These things make me feel strong and happy and this shows in my face. I take skin and hair vits and I’m on HRT which really helps with how I look and feel. So to summarise, yes, it can get better with some work!

@AWonderfulNewName

I find older women beautiful. You are not invisible. What's wrong with ageing? Whilst we should look after ourselves, we should also embrace the lines and grey hair etc.

Thank god someone posted this.

Ladies we are our own worst enemies! Saying you can't compete with hottie thirty somethings? Compete for what? The only thing we should be striving for us to feel good about ourselves and we don't need anyone's permission for that.

OP, fill your fridge with fruit, veg, organic meat and fish that you really like and take time cooking some lovely meals. Knock off the caffeine after midday, load up on water. Give the sugar a break. Book a haircut, exfoliate and use a very subtle fake tan. Get out for a walk every morning and make time for some weight training and yoga during the week. When you're buying new makeup ask for a lesson, you might need to adjust what suits you.

@anonymname

To all the people saying, ' now that I am older I am really glad that I no longer attract male attention/ why do you want male attention anyway, it sucks!'

Well, I'm a heterosexual woman in her very late 40s and I have an active sex drive and so unsurprisingly, yes, I do want men to look at me and find me sexually attractive. Just because you are in your late 40s or your 50s, it doesn't mean your desire for sexual pleasure has pissed off.

Hear hear 👏🏼

I had attention from men before I was 30 - I was definitely the ‘end of the night’ option. Luckily I decided at 30 to stop all emotional/sexual contact so it matters even less how I am perceived by others

@anonymname

To all the people saying, ' now that I am older I am really glad that I no longer attract male attention/ why do you want male attention anyway, it sucks!'

Well, I'm a heterosexual woman in her very late 40s and I have an active sex drive and so unsurprisingly, yes, I do want men to look at me and find me sexually attractive. Just because you are in your late 40s or your 50s, it doesn't mean your desire for sexual pleasure has pissed off.

Exactly this. I'm horrified by the replies here.

Why are you horrified?

I think being thought of as attractive by men is one yardstick by which heterosexual women measure their attractiveness, yes. Because after all that's what attractive is generally taken to mean, sexually attractive. Men do do it as well, most fully get the concept of a hierarchy of attractiveness and would place themselves on it. They're just typically more generous to themselves than women, and more inclined to include their other attributes, wealth, success etc rather than looks alone.

I don't disagree with this, but I really don't think that you'd find middl aged men on an internet forum lamenting now that they're old they no longer get attention 'offered' to them by women they don't even fancy.

@anonymname same here, I do want to be attractive to middle-aged men as I'm also single, and so all this 'thank god I don't attract anyone' stuff isn't relevant to me either. I don't want to attract random men in the street, I didn't at 25 either, usually because it's often quite hostile and steeped in misogyny rather than flattering. I do want to be attractive to men of my own age though, as a potential mate. I think most people would like their partner to still find them attractive too, no?

@LukeEvansWife

Why are you horrified?

I imagine the same as me because there are so many on here in their 40s who talk as if they are finished, invisible and are going to do what ? Live like this for another 40 years ?