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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To choose glastonbury over my friends wedding

789 replies

Campingcarryon · 04/09/2021 13:07

My good friend has just told me she is getting married the same weekend as glastonbury festival next year, for which I have tickets and have obviously by then waited 3 years to go, should it go ahead. I really want to go to the festival as getting tickets is incredibly hard and it’s the first time I have had tickets in 10 years. I love it there &
Post pandemic, I really want to just go and have some fun. I have a camper van so do it in a bit more luxury too.

I feel really bad but honestly I would rather go to the festival than the wedding but am I being really unreasonable? I can’t do both either as wedding is in a different part of the country. I don’t want to upset her either obviously 😬

OP posts:

ttcissoboring · 05/09/2021 09:22

If you've already paid for the tickets then I'd go - she's unlikely to offer you the refund so why should you waste your money!

Also if your friend was that bothered about your attendance she would have checked dates with you first - that's what we did with people whom we cared about and wanted there.

saladcreamandegg · 05/09/2021 09:22

Glastonbury definitely. You've had the tickets ages and like you said they're hard to get. You say she's a close friend but she's clearly not a best mate as if she was;
a. She'd already know you've got Glastonbury tickets as I would expect that has come up in conversation previously with your best mates

b. A best mate would have been talking to you a long time before sending out invitations about possible wedding dates.. at which point the fact that you had Glastonbury tickets this weekend would have come up

c. If she actually thinks her wedding trumps your Glastonbury weekend she needs to get over herself anyway.

Go to Glastonbury and have the best time ever!

Mistletwee · 05/09/2021 09:24

Op, Glastonbury without a doubt. My own brother didn't come to my wedding as he was already booked into compete at a bike race, loads of those every year but I didn't hold it against him. Not at all.

Just imagine the day coming and picture yourself in each scenario. Which one fills you with more regret? My bet would be you at the wedding wishing you were at Glastonbury! And she's not much of a friend if she falls out with you over it tbh! Go to Glasto and have an amazing time!!!

CecilyP · 05/09/2021 09:24

But your friend will no doubt be seeing it as you choosing, preferring and prioritising Glasto over her wedding and your friendship. So she isn't high maintenance or unreasonable to feel upset by that IMO.

I think a lot of people are projecting their own feelings onto OP’s friend. She might simply think, ‘oh dear, I forgot about Glastonbury’ which she would definitely have known about if she and OP are that close. Or it might have been the only date available for her choice of venue and she’ll be a bit disappointed if OP can’t come. I’m sure she’ll have made other friends in the last 25 years who will help make her wedding day extra special. She won’t be as devastated as people are making out just because one person can’t come- unless it’s the bridegroom, of course.

junglejane56 · 05/09/2021 09:27

Go to Glasto, enjoy it. It's obviously what you want to do.

But please don't try to justify your decision by calling your friend bridezilla or unreasonable or demanding or high maintenance just because she might feel a bit upset by it.

You are entitled to do what makes you happy, she is entitled to have her own feelings about it. Unless she gives you a load of abuse then I think you will have to accept that you've disappointed her a bit and try to make amends another way - if you dont want the friendship to suffer of course.

TheRabbitStoleMyHat · 05/09/2021 09:28

Wow if they are a true friend you absolutely have to go to their wedding. I would be hurt if a friend chose a festival over my wedding! This is all about priorities, if you go to Glasto this is effectively a nail in the coffin that is your friendship. Some things matter and this one does in my opinion.

When planning a wedding do people really expect that every guest should attend, regardless of anything else, and then potentially drop them as friends if they can’t? Because that’s just nuts and you need to get some perspective.

RubySlippers123 · 05/09/2021 09:29

[quote Campingcarryon]@RubySlippers123 but why aren’t the other people the issue either? It seems to be that weddings come above anything else on mumsnet- as I already said, if it was a week in the Seychelles instead would people be so clear that I had to go to the wedding? I am still letting people down as I have arranged to spend 5 days with them at a festival which is also a holiday - I still have to take annual leave to go etc. Why do weddings trump everything and everyone else?[/quote]
Because people get married once in a lifetime. Hopefully.

It's obviously not important to you so hey just crack on 🤷‍♀️

junglejane56 · 05/09/2021 09:30

@CecilyP well I wouldn't say I'm projecting my feelings. It's impossible to say what the response would be from the bride without knowing her. My guess would be that she might be a bit sad about it. But as you say, hopefully she will just suck it up and accept that it's bad luck that the two events have fallen on the same weekend.

CecilyP · 05/09/2021 09:31

You've probably made your friend feel hurt OP, you just need to try and own that now instead of labelling her probable feelings as being bridezilla esque. If you can't see why she'd feel hurt then that's a little worrying- but I suspect you can which is why you started this thread.

OP has not labelled her friends feelings as bridezillaesque as her friend hasn’t responded yet. However, a lot of posters on this thread have betrayed quite strong Bridezilla sentiments - but they are not OPs friend.

MerryHellbreakingloose · 05/09/2021 09:31

To those who would "expect" a friend to attend their wedding over pre-made plans, where do you draw the line? Would you expect them to choose your wedding over another close friends? A relatives? An operation? A holiday? Do you really expect them to lose money, and then fork out more money, because you've decided to get married that day?

I'm pregnant and both of my brothers have double checked my due date so they don't book holidays around that time. I think they're batshit (which I've told them) and I think a lot of people on this thread are batshit. Significant events in your life do not trump significant events in other peoples.

permaconfused · 05/09/2021 09:34

This thread is nuts. OP booked an event before she booked and announced her wedding.

It's not something that can be changed or postponed. Glastonbury is a major event, tickets are very hard to get. We've all missed out on so much over the last year.

No more debate. And don't bash the op for not being a good friend.....it doesn't apply here. She feels bad and was questioning her decision.

Those short, succinct statements that are aimed to make OP feel bad are nasty and would not likely be said to her face.

midgemagneto · 05/09/2021 09:35

They get married once in a lifetime for life

The marriage is what counts and it's for more than a day

"Sorry I already have plans for that day but would love to celebrate with you both , how about...."

ablutiions · 05/09/2021 09:35

If I were your friend I'd be disappointed if you didn't go to Glastonbury.

anon12345678901 · 05/09/2021 09:36

[quote Campingcarryon]@RubySlippers123 it’s more that I can’t believe the number of people on here who would actively guilt trip dump friends who couldn’t come to their wedding in a ridiculous childish fashion. It’s unbelievable.

I would never actively hurt my friend obviously but I had to make a decision and this thread has helped me do that.[/quote]
I agree. It's surprising how many people think that their wedding should be the most important thing for their friends. It's so self entitled and absorbed to not understand people could have other commitments already and even if they do understand that, expect them to change them.

PieceOfString · 05/09/2021 09:36

I actually think your choice is entirely reasonable op, but I absolutely wouldn't have done it via message, even if she asked for replies that way. I'd have called and talked to her out of if respect for the fact this is a big deal to her and so you could convey that it wasn't a decision you made lightly.

Original poster

Campingcarryon · 05/09/2021 09:38

*Because people get married once in a lifetime. Hopefully.

It's obviously not important to you so hey just crack on 🤷‍♀️*

Whoa @RubySlippers123 is this how you react to your friends when they don’t do what you want? Completely passive aggressive!

OP posts:

PammieDooveOrangeJoof · 05/09/2021 09:38

If you had already booked a break away or a holiday no one would expect you to cancel it so don’t think that this is any different.

LetsGoFlyAKiteee · 05/09/2021 09:42

It's no different to if you had a holiday booked. It's just unfortunate that it's been rolled over and falls on the wedding date but can't be helped. They'll be people who can't make it for various reasons and even if close friends you can celebrate in different ways. Its not like you are not going just because you don't feel like it or making up a excuse. Tickets aren't easy to get especially as it's been cancelled twice now..hopefully she'll understand.

bowchicawowwow · 05/09/2021 09:42

I would go to Glastonbury. I think you are doing the right thing and telling her now that you cannot make it. My DH's aunt couldn't make our wedding as she has tickets for that same night for a tribute band in the local social club and I had a couple of no shows too. I'd always much rather know in advance that someone wouldn't be there.

PieceOfString · 05/09/2021 09:44

To anyone giving grief to someone for not attending a wedding let's just consider the fact that anyone getting married checks the availability of people they absolutely must have before they pick the date! So parents of the couple, best man etc don't have the date sprung upon them they are consulted. If that didn't happen then your attendance is a bonus but not vital.
Obviously if you accept an invitation then bail that's different.

Jumpingintosummer · 05/09/2021 09:49

You have pre booked plans, you won’t be the only one. Enjoy Glastonbury!

jozipozi31 · 05/09/2021 09:50

You will go to Glastonbury. But your friendship won't be the same again. Unless she's a really really good friend snd totally understands.

But I think she'll still feel hurt.

You are totally set on Glasto and will hate the wedding if you don't get to go there because of it.

So explain to her it's more important than her wedding. Because for you it is.

What we would do is immaterial.

jozipozi31 · 05/09/2021 09:52

@PieceOfString

To anyone giving grief to someone for not attending a wedding let's just consider the fact that anyone getting married checks the availability of people they absolutely must have before they pick the date! So parents of the couple, best man etc don't have the date sprung upon them they are consulted. If that didn't happen then your attendance is a bonus but not vital. Obviously if you accept an invitation then bail that's different.

But this is so true too.

She should have checked with you before, if you're important to her. I forgot that bit. Of course - it's the first thing anyone would do, with their close friends.

So just say sorry you can't come. And go have fun.

bocodilloconqueso · 05/09/2021 09:58

I would go to Glasto @Campingcarryon. It's a prebooked event that's been in the diary for a long time and can't be changed.

I had a similar situation with a good friend who booked her wedding with only three months notice for BH weekend. She called me to ask me what I was doing that weekend (she's already booked). When I told her we'd booked a holiday she got quiet and humphy. It was made worse that I couldn't go to her hen either as I also had another immovable commitment for that weekend. I did feel guilty, and our friendship is definitely not as close now. But it was really silly to not expect people to have booked holidays for a bank holiday weekend with such short notice, or to expect them to cancel plans.

BuffyFanForever · 05/09/2021 09:58

Feel free to go to the festival but most likely have the friendship be entirely altered...it depends which is more important to you.

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