To not want to be primary caregiver?

[ttcissoboring]

Not got kids yet but planning to. I don't know any woman that's not the primary caregiver IRL and it's starting to panic me. I don't want to be primary caregiver. Is this going to be enivitable?

Is it impossible to go back to work as soon as I am feeling physically able to and split the parenting at that point? A year off work seems the default but there is no way I want and could do that. Men go back after a week and there is no judgement as to 'how could he leave the child so young' woman does it and the judgement is like she has committed child abuse, I find it very sad and frustrating. And the judgement seems to come from other women as much as it does men.

Does anyone who has children consider themselves not the primary caregiver and completely equal with how they parent with their partner?

The idea of parenting doesn't appeal to me unless it's 50/50 ( of course I understand anything could happen tragically to DH where I'd have to be full caregiver and I'd have no choice)

Is primary caregiver inevitable because I'm a woman? And am I being somewhat naive to this experience?!

Please tell me your experiences of switching this narrative if you have kids, are a woman and not the default parent but share the duties equally from very early on.

@gogohm

I don't know how old you are but I'm guessing you are just not in the right place mentally for kids yet. Longer term you can plan to be 50/50 but you need to be in a mental place where you could parent 100% if needed, whether that's due to relationship breakdown, accident or sickness it unfortunately happens.

She wants to be an equal parent. She isn't saying she would NEVER do 100% even when her partner or child is ill. What do people think 5050 is? Even if split absolutely down the middle, you're then 100% parenting when it is your turn (even though 5050 isnt as black and white as that) so of course she would understand she will be 100% parenting alone sometimes.

I also think just because someone aims for 5050 doesnt mean they don't appreciate that if they split or partner died or just f'd off they wouldnt have to be primary carer 100% of the time. Honestly.

OP, what we, a bunch of strangers, think about your personal situation is of no relevance to you whatsoever.
What I have noticed is a slight lack of communication between you and your partner.
You need to keep having ongoing open and frank discussions with your DP before deciding anything. A one-off discuss is not going to resolve anything.
Just because some mumsnetters give their opinions, whether they happen to agree with your views/wording/ideas or not, none of it changes the outcome of your own personal situation.
My advice would be talk, talk, talk to your partner about your feelings and their feelings about parenting. You will find a way to make work for you

It really isnt as black and white or tedious as "you made yesterday's dinner so I have to today even though you're vomiting your guts up"

This exactly this.

650 posts later and feel like I'm still repeating myself it's getting exhausting.

For the record, I will return to work when I feel ready to. I am self employed so can efficiently go back when I want - I don't need to set a strict time on it.

Right now I feel three months is about the time but - if I have a baby and don't want to go back after three months - so what?

Why are posters getting so annoyed I've even suggested it? If I don't feel like going back after three months then guess what? I WONT!!

I posted to hear experiences of those with 50/50 parenting from early on.

@SkinnyMirror

This. The super ambitious 'working mums' can't see at ALL how rude they are being to women who prefer to be with their children.

And you don't seem to be able to see how your posts just ooze misogynistic contempt for women who have chosen a different way of bringing up their children.

My choice to work and be ambitious is not a reflection on your choices. I fully support all women to make informed choices about what works best for them and their family. If that choice is to stay at home, then I fully support that choice. I don't see it as a personal attack on my choices that have been made to suit the needs of my family. I also don't believe that these choices are a reflection on how much we all love our kids....... to suggest that is the case is a low blow and I will judge you for making that comment!

Agreed that what I do doesn't impact on others. I personally think being a SAHM for me personally would be a waste of my skills, would mean I would lose a large part of myself, and I would be very very bored. That wouldnt make me a good mum. I dont love my daughter less. She is everything to me. But I think she deserves a happy, well rounded mummy as a role model and this is how I do that best. When I have my 3 full days childcare with her she has my attention and we do quality things. The other days I do dinners and bedtimes shared with my husband as well as drop offs. If I finish work early I get her early, because I miss her. But my husband deserves to parent as much as me. He wants to, he is a fantastic Daddy and why should me being a Mum mean I get the say over him? We are equals so have equal say.

This set up isnt for everyone and if someone wants to be a SAHM that is up to them. I think there are benefits to both and just as I couldnt stand being at home, I know plenty of people who couldnt stand being at work and want to be home. Therefore the same logic applies- they are the happiest, best Mummy at home and so that is right and best for their children and makes them the best role model they can be in their situation. It may be that their partners arent like mine and dont mind not sharing the care and being equally involved. Whatever works.

No judgement from me unless you decide to force your views and attack other mums for their choices - unless those choices equate to children act level risk of significant harm. And choosing to be SAHM or working mum in principle doesnt.

*so of course she would understand she will be 100% parenting alone sometimes.

I also think just because someone aims for 5050 doesnt mean they don't appreciate that if they split or partner died or just f'd off they wouldnt have to be primary carer 100% of the time. Honestly.*

Exactly this, I didn't think I'd have to explain this but clearly it does need explaining for some posters.

I'd say me and DH are split equally but I take on the mental load still, thinking about GP appointments, booking dentists and haircuts etc, looking into nurseries and schools.

@Dandy0911

Another one for re-thinking having children.

A newborn / young baby needs its mum.
Also - the sleep deprivation when you have young babies would make working FT very hard.

If you do want a baby, you need to be open to your whole mindset changing. You may not want to go back to work. You may be too tired. Mix feeding might not work out.

It sort of sounds like having a child would be an inconvenience if you're focused on going back to work full time once you've recovered from the birth.

I was focused on going back FT. My baby has never been an inconvenience to me. It is possible to want to work and also prioritise and love your child.

Had a friend who felt like this before kids - then had a baby. Then didn’t want to go back to work, created her own business and spends 80% of her time with her baby. You might find you feel differently.

Also I'm happy to take on the mental load / have already looked is to schools and nurseries - I don't mind being primary in that sense.

What I don't expect is every weekend DH to eff off with his friends doing stuff and also continue his career without interruption while I am left always holding the baby (as you see countless threads on this forum of women moaning about.)

So I had posted to see how 50/50 parents have made it work - and to hear their experiences. And I'm talking 50/50 in terms of the actual childcare aspect of it - the supervision element of actually watching the child 24/7.

I guess what I'm getting at is I don't want it to be become DH is the occasional babysitter and I'm the mum doing everything else.

I want children to see mum and dad as equals in terms of childcare.

I understand you don't always get what you want I wish people stop pointing this out because if that's the case we wouldn't bother plan for everything and bother leave the house in case we get hit by a bus!

@ttcissoboring

It really isnt as black and white or tedious as "you made yesterday's dinner so I have to today even though you're vomiting your guts up"

This exactly this.

650 posts later and feel like I'm still repeating myself it's getting exhausting.

For the record, I will return to work when I feel ready to. I am self employed so can efficiently go back when I want - I don't need to set a strict time on it.

Right now I feel three months is about the time but - if I have a baby and don't want to go back after three months - so what?

Why are posters getting so annoyed I've even suggested it? If I don't feel like going back after three months then guess what? I WONT!!

I posted to hear experiences of those with 50/50 parenting from early on.

I had 4 months total so baby was 3.5mths. That worked well for me. I had surgery after birth and it was enough time to be rested (tbh my midwife had to tell me to relax more as I couldn't stand sitting still and wanted to get out of the house from the word go). I see you're self employed - me too. That is a factor financially as no attractive maternity pay. I just went back but with less travel initially. Husband did shared parental and would come with me on any trips so I could be with our child and breastfeed - was actually really good fun travelling as a family. Whenever I worked from home husband was primary caring but I would feed and spend breaks with them. It worked really nicely. I was open to changing the plan to have longer off, as was my husband - though he really wanted his time. However if anything I could've gone back sooner as I found monotony of it very dull even though I love my daughter and spending time with her. If I did it again I would probably stop the statutory maternity pay sooner and take on some low level work very part time a bit sooner but then have a bit longer doing that before FT. But then next time I would have 2 so who knows. I am fully prepared to be more overwhelmed with multiple and take longer than 4 months. Maybe 6 at most with some admin type work.

Btw you get 10 KIT days regardless of how much leave you get and I used all of them in my 4mths. I think because my job is demanding and i often get little sleep, childbirth and childcare in early stages didnt impact me as much. Tbh I think toddler stage is much tougher as they actually need so much more engagement and you cant work and monitor them very well at all if trying to work from home. I really think for me I am better having less maternity leave when they're newborn and then taking more leave when they're toddlers and can interact and, I think, need me more

@ttcissoboring that’s us, I take a bit more of the mental load, otherwise it wouldn’t be done my way, but we are both hands on, dh wanted to be a dad, not just facilitate me being a mum, the main point to look at, from my perspective, is whether your dp wants to be hands on, as in school calling him, taking child to the doctors, the swimming lessons, stay home when ill, or jus when he fancy cos there’s always you to do it, from the outside, people look at me as a good mum, but dh is a fucking hero, for doing the exact same I do, but he ‘doesn’t have to’.

@Newmumatlast your setup sounds great!

Like you my work couldn't be more flexible which is why I don't think what I am planning is as shocking as some of the posters might like to believe.

@Bangolads

Had a friend who felt like this before kids - then had a baby. Then didn’t want to go back to work, created her own business and spends 80% of her time with her baby. You might find you feel differently.

This is fair.

I also think it depends on the job you did before and how much you actually love it, as well as how much money your family needs to cover outgoings (and where it comes from).

I dont know anyone who absolutely loved their job pre birth who did this and entirely changed their plan. However I do know loads who hated their job who took full maternity and then went back PT or not at all. Also know people who were meh about their job who decided to either SAH or change their careers. I have a friend who set up businesses instead. It really depends. But you can see as a matter of logic that the more you love your work, the more it is flexible and conducive to family life, and the more your family relies on the money from it the more likely it is that your plans wont change

[quote ttcissoboring]@Newmumatlast your setup sounds great!

Like you my work couldn't be more flexible which is why I don't think what I am planning is as shocking as some of the posters might like to believe.

[/quote]
It really does make a difference. I can choose to do more stuff that is home based albeit the travelling jobs pay more. But I can balance it. My work is such that if I went back PT less than 4 days it impacts my income potential more than the amount of days deducted as there are some jobs where you have to be available for 4 days in the week if that makes sense. So income would likely go to a third whereas doing 4 days a week instead of 5 doesnt really make much difference. I am also lucky as I have GParent help so I can be a bit more flexible because of that too - and if I finish early I just collect my daughter early and we have the rest of the day. Similarly if I need to finish late although she then has Daddy time.

I agree with a previous poster that what would make most sense is to sit with your partner and really discuss what you both want from parenting and how you expect it to work so you're both on the same page.

My dd is almost seven and we share all parenting more or less 50/50 and have done from about three months in as breastfeeding didn’t work out for us. He actually did most of the night feeds.

We both work ft and it’s ok. I do the majority of the emotional labour though and, although dd had a clear phase of preferring her dad when she was 2-3 (possibly because I was preoccupied with trying and failing to conceive again), she is currently very much a mummy’s girl and she does require more input from me. As a pp said babies and children are individuals with their own preferences and personalities, so splitting the load equally is not always easy.

Consider your partner as well. If you do not currently split everything equally, don’t expect some miraculous turnaround when you bring a child into the equation.

Motherhood can be deeply satisfying, and sometimes I do have twinges of regret about how militant I was about splitting everything. They are very small for such a short time, putting my own desires on hold for a few years might not have been the disaster I perceived it to be at the time.

Equally, I always knew I didn’t want to lose myself completely in parenting and now she is becoming more independent I’m pleased I still have a career, and that my dp pulls his weight, because I think it sets a good example to her and hopefully will deter her from cocklodgers in the future.

@Newmumatlast completely agree that it depends how you see your job in the first place as to how keen you'll be to return to it, and also how flexible it is will have an impact and how much money you make.

I neither love nor hate the job - I'm somewhere in between. It pays very well and is very flexible and is what I'm good at and have years experience in so isn't a career I want to throw away I'm keen to keep it going post baby.

My DC are all in their 20s now and it seems easier for young parents these days to divide childcare and parenting more equally, than it was for me.
What I would say though, is don’t underestimate the impact of hormones and how you might feel when the baby is born.

My DH loved our DC every bit as much as me but he found the baby stage pretty challenging whereas I loved it.
He would have hated 6 months paternity leave!

Over the years though, there were many times when our DC needed/ wanted their DDad more than they did me, especially our DSons in their mid to late teens.
Did I do most of the childcare ? Yes.
Was our parenting split 50/50 ? No.
But that doesn’t negate the role my DH played or make me some downtrodden handmaiden.

Find what works for your family unit and keep lines of communication open.
Parenting is long old game, sometimes the balance is right, sometimes not. Good luck.

Hey OP - I’ve read all your posts. One question which I don’t think you’ve answered, apologies if you have, is - does your DH honestly do 50% of everything now? I would not have confidence in a man who wasn’t already sharing the burden genuinely equally to do so once kids come along. As you’ve said, you’re aware of the need to have a plan B in case you end up parenting alone for whatever reason. But I do think in a lot of cases it’s pretty obvious a man has no intention of doing half the work of having kids, because he isn’t pulling his weight before the kids come along. Just a thought.

Whilst 50/50 is entirely possible and your dh seems keen, I'd be wary of firm plans. Wait till baby is here and see how it works out. My first was prem and once tried on the breast refused anything else, 2nd was happy to accept the bottle. Both times it took around 6mth till I recovered. Neither slept properly till they were around 4/5 yrs old and it was me they wanted not daddy. You need to talk this through with dh and be sure of how both of you want this to be, but be prepared for the unexpected.

We share the duties 50/50 now but I took 9 months off with my first and so I was primary caregiver whilst I was off. I wanted to take that time off though- my husband would have taken half of that time if he had been able to (his paternity leave at work didn't allow it and as I said I wanted 9 months off). It doesn't have to be the default that you're the primary caregiver unless you want it to be. What's your relationship like now? Are you equal in everything now? Does your husband/partner agree that you should both be 50/50 when the baby is born? If the answers to those questions are yes then I don't see why you shouldn't both be 50/50 with any future children too.

@ttcissoboring

Also I'm happy to take on the mental load / have already looked is to schools and nurseries - I don't mind being primary in that sense.

What I don't expect is every weekend DH to eff off with his friends doing stuff and also continue his career without interruption while I am left always holding the baby (as you see countless threads on this forum of women moaning about.)

So I had posted to see how 50/50 parents have made it work - and to hear their experiences. And I'm talking 50/50 in terms of the actual childcare aspect of it - the supervision element of actually watching the child 24/7.

I guess what I'm getting at is I don't want it to be become DH is the occasional babysitter and I'm the mum doing everything else.

I want children to see mum and dad as equals in terms of childcare.

I understand you don't always get what you want I wish people stop pointing this out because if that's the case we wouldn't bother plan for everything and bother leave the house in case we get hit by a bus!

This is me and my husband. Again why I use the term SAHP rather than SAHM.

From my own upbringing I really don't think it matters if mum works or not. It's about Dad's attitude to mum and to parenting.

A couple of tips that I got before embarking on my SAH life.

1. both of you take a day to fully look after the baby / go to work. KIT days are great for this and it doesn't have to be until baby is much older if you're breastfeeding. Having that time experiencing each side helps you to appreciate what the other does. My DH never thinks I sit about at home while he works because he knows what having both kids all day is like.

2. think of life as working hours. My SAHP working hours are from DH leaving work to DH coming home. When he was commuting he also appreciated that he had an hour to decompress after work before being on parent duty. First thing he did when he got home was to send me to the loo. I took about 20 mins just sitting there decompressing from my dad lol.

3. communicate, we don't 'ask permission' but we run all plans by each other first. On a Thursday or Friday we'll usually ask each other if we have anything we want to do over the weekend. Together we work out the plan so that we can each have the space and time to do the things we need to.

@SimonedeBeauvoirscat thank you for reading.

Yes at the moment we do 50/50 with household things if even say DH probably does a bit more if anything.

When it comes to emotional load however it's definitely me. He never even registers birthdays etc. If we attend a social event he doesn't remember the dates even when it's his side. He never organises holidays etc. So I'm aware the mental load is likely to be me but that's probably for the good because I like things doing a certain way!

In terms of household cook and cleaning though we are down the middle currently

When it comes to emotional load however it's definitely me. He never even registers birthdays etc. If we attend a social event he doesn't remember the dates even when it's his side. He never organises holidays etc.

I bet he managed to do this when he was single and I bet that he is able to remember dates and organise things for work.

It's great that you are planning ahead but I would seriously address this issue as it has the potential to breed resentment. It doesn't feel too bad when there aren't any kids involved but children do bring a whole load of things that need organising and things that someone needs to remember and it is pretty shit when it all falls on one person.

When it comes to emotional load however it's definitely me. He never even registers birthdays etc. If we attend a social event he doesn't remember the dates even when it's his side. He never organises holidays etc. So I'm aware the mental load is likely to be me but that's probably for the good because I like things doing a certain way!

Perhaps they're more important to you than to him.

[quote ttcissoboring]@SimonedeBeauvoirscat thank you for reading.

Yes at the moment we do 50/50 with household things if even say DH probably does a bit more if anything.

When it comes to emotional load however it's definitely me. He never even registers birthdays etc. If we attend a social event he doesn't remember the dates even when it's his side. He never organises holidays etc. So I'm aware the mental load is likely to be me but that's probably for the good because I like things doing a certain way!

In terms of household cook and cleaning though we are down the middle currently [/quote]
Don't get me wrong because I think you are in a good starting place, but don't underestimate how the emotional load can take a toll. And I would say that the fact that you're talking about it now is a good sign. there's an opportunity to highlight from the start that you expect him to step up and perhaps the way you handle that is as things come up, you agree together which are his problem and which are yours. eg you will handle medical appointments and planning but he's in charge of thinking about and updating clothing as needed. There will still be things that slip through but this sets you up to flag these as they go.