To not want to be primary caregiver?

[ttcissoboring]

Not got kids yet but planning to. I don't know any woman that's not the primary caregiver IRL and it's starting to panic me. I don't want to be primary caregiver. Is this going to be enivitable?

Is it impossible to go back to work as soon as I am feeling physically able to and split the parenting at that point? A year off work seems the default but there is no way I want and could do that. Men go back after a week and there is no judgement as to 'how could he leave the child so young' woman does it and the judgement is like she has committed child abuse, I find it very sad and frustrating. And the judgement seems to come from other women as much as it does men.

Does anyone who has children consider themselves not the primary caregiver and completely equal with how they parent with their partner?

The idea of parenting doesn't appeal to me unless it's 50/50 ( of course I understand anything could happen tragically to DH where I'd have to be full caregiver and I'd have no choice)

Is primary caregiver inevitable because I'm a woman? And am I being somewhat naive to this experience?!

Please tell me your experiences of switching this narrative if you have kids, are a woman and not the default parent but share the duties equally from very early on.

Even those dads that seem fully supportive, always the woman dropping her hours and career as if it's a given. And I'm reluctant to do that.

Don't do it then. I didn't.
We both work full time

I went back to work when my child was 11 weeks old and then my husband took over.

It was far too soon (for me), to be honest, but I didn't want my career to suffer. I didn't think I'd want to be home any longer as I'd never felt particularly maternal but I actually loved having a baby.

My husband has done far more for our son in terms of childcare than I have.

You definitely don’t sound ready to be a parent yet.

Ignore those telling you to re-think having kids.

You are right to consider the impact they will have in your life and there is nothing wrong with wanting to make sure your child's dad is an equal parent. I would never consider myself the primary carer. It's something we share equally.

Best thing I would suggest OP is, if possible, to split the 'maternity' leave. DH and I did 4/5 months each, and not only was it good for all three/four of us in terms of bonding, it set the path for the future.

We now split everything, albeit with different emphases... eg drop offs, sick days are 50/50, but DH does all the driving (I don't) and I do most of the organising.

Do you actually want 50 50 or your DH to be primary caregiver? I think both can work as long as you are clear upfront but also willing to be flexible because having a young baby is hard and what you think you want doesn't always stay the same after the baby arrives (thinking more maybe your DH will change his mind).

Regarding going back to work 1 week after birth, I thought you had to have 2 weeks but haven't fact checked that. I wouldn't underestimate recovery time though. It took months after a difficult birth for me to just stop feeling faint and dizzy walking across the room! Childcare providers often accept from 6 months too. The other thing you mentioned is breastfeeding. When they are little they often want very regular feeds so may be tricky unless you work at home. Just some things to consider. Not impossible.

I took six months off and breastfed. Then went back part time for another 18months. But my partner did lots and lots of solo childcare despite the bf and I wasn’t “default parent” around the home. I think that between age 2 and 3 we achieved proper 50/50 parenting. I think it’s very hard from day 1 but if you know you want to go in that direction you can look out for “default parent” traps when they arise.

Apart from the early days which you're aware of, there's absolutely no reason it shouldn't be 50:50

I have an extremely supportive DH who did lots. I'd say I still did more but that's only because I wanted a to .

What you don't know is how you will feel both physically and emotionally after pregnancy and becoming a parent. I was fairly ambitious and had a 'big job' but No way on this earth could I have left a 2 week old to go back to work. It was hard enough at 7 months.
You will love that baby more than you ever thought possible and that may change you in a way you can't imagine at the moment.
So be prepared to keep an open mind.

Posters suggesting not to have children please validate your points instead of just throwing out one line statements.

There so many threads on here of women regret children or have children and start complaining DH isn't pulling their weight - and their is always a pile on to say did you discuss equal parenting or how things were going to work before the kids! So posters suggesting don't have kids perhaps be a bit kinder.

I understand there are situations I cannot control that could mean I am a lone parent - obviously. I'm not sure anyone would choose to be a lone parent and therefore stating parenting isn't something I'd like to do alone seems reasonable?!

So long as your partner is on board, you'll be fine. I've often thought how much I'd like to be "dad" to a brood of kids. As it happened, after having my first I very much switched into a hands on mum (which took both me and DH by surprise!) But DH has always done at least his share plus some when it comes to parenting, is more organised than me and far calmer. We both work long hours but he has cut his down or rearranged to work more in the evening so he gets to see more of DD (WFH in the pandemic has really drummed home to him how much he was missing with the commute, whereas I work a lot closer to home so he has pushed hard for a split between home and office). However, you can't force a parent to be like this, and that is a risk you'll have to take.

My partner is definitely the primary care giver. I work full time, he's mostly at home with DC. I have 2 much older DC but he only has our 1 together. Although I was more than happy to have a third I really wanted to keep working etc and he wanted time to experience the early years. Works for us.

It's not the 50/50 parenting that's the problem. Plenty of families make that their way. Equal time off work for sick kids, equal split of kid's activities and mental load for things the kids need.

That will all work fine if that's the way you want it. Your husband needs to fully understand what it means though so make sure he isnt just paying lip service.

The only thing that stood out to me was that parenting doesn't interest you if it will affect you more than your husband. That's putting parenting into the inconvenient column. And tbh, it's the mindset of a lot of dads I know and I judge them a hell of a lot more than I judge a woman who goes back to work, because they've gone back to work 2 weeks after birth and do the bare minimum they need to for the kids. They leave it all to mum. They're terrible parents, because kids are an inconvenience to them.

For me I couldn't physically separate myself from my kids. I think it's a natural biological tie that you have to try very hard to break in order to go back to work immediately after birth like a man can (plus your body has been through a massive trauma that a man's hasn't). I actually couldn't leave mine for more than an hour without worrying and feeling a kind of loss even after 6 months old. And I found that I didn't actually want to.

This is how I felt. I'm just letting go a bit now he's 3.5

Although just to add, dad is definitely the favorite. If he's hurt or upset he generally cries for daddy not me, which is to be expected but does occasionally hurt a bit

Your username is interesting.

Given that and your posts, it doesn't sound like you want children all that much?

I think it's hard to guage how you will feel till you have one. I wasn't keen to be the main carer but when my baby came along. Like a PP, I couldn't be apart from him. I remember going for a walk and leaving him behind for an hour and feeling desperate to return.
There is a difference between men and women in the immediate aftermath of birth and breastfeeding has hormonal implications where you feel very connected to your baby. Pumping and mixed bottle and breast feeding doesn't always work.

You've clearly got a husband who is keen to co-parent 50/50 so that's a good starting point, but apart from that I think you'll need to just see how things go. Try to just enjoy the time you have when you have a newborn as it's so precious rather than focussing on how you can be with them less. You'll have plenty of time to establish more time to yourself later on.

The couples i know who managed to make it work of 50/50, tended to earn similar amounts and both took some time off.

Can you ask him to be day numbers on this - rather than you both try to work full time, or just you reduce your hours, could you both drop to 4 days a week, meaning baby only need to go into childcare for 3 days a week, with you both having a day that the other is off and fully in charge.

How much of your mat leave does he want to take? Eg. If you went back to work after 4 months, would he take over thr next 4 months?

Sadly if you take a year off then both work ft, it will often default to you to be the primary care giver outside of work time- you both need a period/a day when you are solely responsible for the child without the other one there to defer to.

Okay - to elaborate further. You have the mindset of a part time parent with little empathy or associations of love towards children.

You would be carrying and birthing this child. If you wanted to go back to work as soon as you could I would be concerned you hadn’t bonded with your baby.

You should emotionally detached. Hence why I think you should rethink.

*sound not should

I think you’re getting the ‘re-think having children’ because you mentioned going back after a week. Many men find the short paternity hard and they don’t get flack because the mother is generally at home. A newborn wants to be close to its mother and many women would not be happy leaving a newborn. I don’t think your general questions about how to make parenting more equal are bad ones though.

You do of course have options. You can have a short mat leave and hire a nanny or the dad becomes a sahp. I know lots of people who have made the model of 2x parents doing 4 days a week work well.

Maybe OP sound emotionally detached because it's a hypothetical baby?

@cheesemarmitepanini - my username is called ttcissoboring because I've been ttc for three years followed by multiple miscarriages - so yes I'm not afraid to say, the process is becoming draining and every month waiting for tww and tests is becoming frustrating.

Oh when I said going back after a week I didn't mean I want to go back after a week - I meant men can do that and no one cares, a woman goes back after six months (a friend of mine) and gets judged. I was trying to highlight men are able to basically parent how they want with very little/no judgement. Or at least that's how it feels

Actually OP lots of people, mainly women, do choose to be a lone parent. It's much harder for men to actively choose it.

Leaving that aside I do know a few families where the childcare is split evenly, or there is a stay at home dad. But it needs to be agreed between the couple and preferably before TTC. Some people think a lazy man (or woman) will change and step up. They won't.

I do know one colleague who feels trapped in her marriage because her DH is the primary caregiver and if she leaves him she'll see less of her children and have to pay him maintenance but equally there must be men who feel that way.

I would talk with your partner about what you both want and whether that plan is compatible, as a starting point.
You can both work full time but check if he is actually on board with splitting everything, not just theoretically but spell it out.

I think it's increasingly common. I know of a few SAHDs now, whereas when my eldest was a baby I didn't know any.

I don't judge women who enjoy / prioritise their career. Children aren't the only thing in life. I judge parents who 'check out' though, and aren't interested in their kids. I know a lot of men like that. Aren't around all week, at golf / cycling / running / pub all weekend.