To not want to be primary caregiver?

[ttcissoboring]

Not got kids yet but planning to. I don't know any woman that's not the primary caregiver IRL and it's starting to panic me. I don't want to be primary caregiver. Is this going to be enivitable?

Is it impossible to go back to work as soon as I am feeling physically able to and split the parenting at that point? A year off work seems the default but there is no way I want and could do that. Men go back after a week and there is no judgement as to 'how could he leave the child so young' woman does it and the judgement is like she has committed child abuse, I find it very sad and frustrating. And the judgement seems to come from other women as much as it does men.

Does anyone who has children consider themselves not the primary caregiver and completely equal with how they parent with their partner?

The idea of parenting doesn't appeal to me unless it's 50/50 ( of course I understand anything could happen tragically to DH where I'd have to be full caregiver and I'd have no choice)

Is primary caregiver inevitable because I'm a woman? And am I being somewhat naive to this experience?!

Please tell me your experiences of switching this narrative if you have kids, are a woman and not the default parent but share the duties equally from very early on.

Why have children if you don't want to care for them.
Men often earn the highest salary so that is why most men take less parental leave,

@XelaM

One of the female equity partners at my firm had a stay at home husband. It made sense as she earned wayyyy more money than he did. He was very happy with the arrangement and I always envied his laid back life

Except his life won't have been laid back. He will have worked bloody hard with those kids!

I think until you have that child you don’t realise how much you would want to be the primary caregiver, something inside definitely changes and for some people it’s very hard to let go or even want to leave that child, I think your post is very matter of fact and doesn’t allow for the possible emotional repercussions of that decision. I’m not saying it’s like that for everybody though and also understand that there may be PND to deal with etc but I truly don’t think you know how you will feel until it’s really happening

This is basically all there is to it. As a mother, it's usually different. You have the hormones, the mother is the primary caregiver by default. You can plan to share 50/50 but you'll find it hard to be away from your baby (as nature intended, much as some will deny it, it's survival. Mothers are meant to be with their newborn offspring). You may not want to get back to work so soon

Many of us have been there where we expected to spring back and go back to work and it didn't happen. Not misogyny- you can still have a career. But for many of us it didn't turn out how we envisioned

"Where parents are genuine 50/50 it tends to be they are both in low paid jobs or run their own business or have some other set up that allows them more flexibility than traditional jobs."

Totally wrong. Both DH and I have held down increasingly senior jobs whilst sharing the raising our two DC. I can tell you that the more senior and well paid we have become, the more flexible our schedules have been. When you are at our levels, other people work around our availability.

@ChequerBoard

"Where parents are genuine 50/50 it tends to be they are both in low paid jobs or run their own business or have some other set up that allows them more flexibility than traditional jobs."

Totally wrong. Both DH and I have held down increasingly senior jobs whilst sharing the raising our two DC. I can tell you that the more senior and well paid we have become, the more flexible our schedules have been. When you are at our levels, other people work around our availability.

Exactly! Totally wrong.

It's the lower paid jobs that have the least flexibility.

I think it'll be very hard to be 50/50 if you are breastfeeding tbh. I dont mean you shouldn't breastfeed just realistically it's hard to not do more if you are essential to feed your baby.

@hifiive

I think until you have that child you don’t realise how much you would want to be the primary caregiver, something inside definitely changes and for some people it’s very hard to let go or even want to leave that child, I think your post is very matter of fact and doesn’t allow for the possible emotional repercussions of that decision. I’m not saying it’s like that for everybody though and also understand that there may be PND to deal with etc but I truly don’t think you know how you will feel until it’s really happening

This is basically all there is to it. As a mother, it's usually different. You have the hormones, the mother is the primary caregiver by default. You can plan to share 50/50 but you'll find it hard to be away from your baby (as nature intended, much as some will deny it, it's survival. Mothers are meant to be with their newborn offspring). You may not want to get back to work so soon

Many of us have been there where we expected to spring back and go back to work and it didn't happen. Not misogyny- you can still have a career. But for many of us it didn't turn out how we envisioned

Still don’t get it to be honest. Are there really so many women who collapse into hormonal heap on the floor as soon as a baby comes along. Are women’s brains really so simple and one dimensional that they give up their hard won financial independence and career aspirations which they may have nurtured for decades.

These views really reduce women to child rearing, limited use objects. Irrationally hormonal and totally unstable ones. It’s so sad that some women see themselves this way.

I have friends that share care. It is possible. Make sure that you keep communicating and that you talk regularly to ensure that responsibilities are equitable. Even if one does decide to do more childcare, it is important to stay on the same page.

I am SAHM but we are a team. We share responsibilities and communicate.

Wishing you all the best. I think it is wonderful what you are doing. ...be curious and ask questions then find what is right for your family.

@Rainbowpurple

Even earlier months the parenting can totally be shared. I breastfed at night then my DH took DCs over, burped them and put them back to sleep so I could fall back to sleep. Any tasks can be shared and sharing makes the overwhelming role of being new parents more enjoyable.

What is exactly 'traditional nurturing mother'? Mother who wants to single handedly look after the babies? Mother who can't value anything equal to rearing children? Why? Didn't we fight hard against this kind of societal prejudice and pressure to achieve the choice we have now?

Agree with you. We did a mix of breastfeeding and bottle fed to allow more equality so we both got a decent amount of sleep! I expressed for the bottles. Obviously not everyone can express etc (though nor does everyone breastfeed to be fair). There are ways it can be more equal even in early days even if not entirely so

It is not inevitable.

I went back to work when my kids were 8 months and 9 months. When I went back after the second, my husband resigned and has been a stay at home dad for 5 years.

He does 80% of 'kid stuff'. We are a team and very much equal. I do their washing and half of bedtimes and help with homework and buying clothes (because I want to!). I do school drop offs/pickups when I'm not working.

It works out really well. He does food shopping, cooking, school wrap around and school holiday child care, and nearly all life admin, house cleaning and house maintenance.

Our only challenge is other mums who will wait to they see me to organise play dates/invite us to things!

I felt very much like you. I didn’t feel overly maternal before I had babies. I Planned to have 6 months mat leave. In the end I had 15 months off with all of mine, exclusively breastfed, co slept, baby wore, every crunchy parenting thing. I do work full time now and my partner works part time as I earn way more and I’m a bit sad about it really even though I love my job. He does more childcare but I sort the school admin and spend every hour I can with my kids. I know quite a few sahd or part time dads now, it’s definitely not the norm but not particularly unusual now.

I think many women may feel like you before their child is born. Once their child is born many women have an overwhelming biological need and want to be the primary caregiver not all but many.

@bogoffmda

Being a parent is not just about being able to work - it is so much more - the love, the caring, the turning up to school performances, the laughs, the telling off, the planning etc.

No one gets to divide that neatly down the middle and say 50/50 - one does more of one thing than another and less of something else. However, someone is central command - male or female -does not matter which but someone is.

My Ex was fairly fecking useless for 3 yrs age of eldest 6-9. Never did a thing at school, never turned up to matches plays etc. I bust my balls to get to everyone - sneaking in late, getting there early etc. The day I took EX ( he had split up with his DP a few days before) to the DCS school show ( both in it) is a memory I treasure. I told Ex to watch for them, they will be looking for eye contact and do a subtle thumbs up do not wave. The smiles of shock and pleasure are etched in my brain, as they registered me and then him sitting beside me.

It matters to the kids that both parents are engaged and both parents care. It is not a competition or an equality contest - you just have to make it work for you and them.

Sorry this smacks of wokery gone mad. We can not escape our biology but how we manage our lives is up to us and those we share them with.

Honestly don't think people talking 5050 care are suggesting those things are perfectly split! And it isnt wokery either to acknowledge that men have value are care givers too and women as workers. My husband absolutely loves being a Dad. Why should I get first say about staying at home? We both want to be parents.. it is why we are. We both love being ourselves too including our careers. So we do try and 5050 but no we don't meticulously split everything 5050 and woe betide if one of us goes over. It is happily organic for us. And school plays etc we will both go to whenever possible. Part of the reason I havent cut down work more now is to get into the financial position where we can just take lots of time off at the drop of a hat to do all of these things because our daughter is important to both of us - not just me and not just him. And we to her.

If you really think the work both physical and emotional of having children is ever shared 50/50 with a man you are living in la la land, sorry but that's the reality as I've seen it - the school will ALWAYS phone you, for example, whatever you or your partner tell them - get used to it or don't do it

You absolutely are in your rights to not be the primary caregiver if you don't want to. It's only this shirt patriarchal society that pushes all that responsibility onto women and leaves men pretty much free from it.
So yes I think it's completely do able.
However I would want to make sure partner is 100% up for being the primary caregiver himself before even agreeing to have the baby

@Bertiebiscuit

If you really think the work both physical and emotional of having children is ever shared 50/50 with a man you are living in la la land, sorry but that's the reality as I've seen it - the school will ALWAYS phone you, for example, whatever you or your partner tell them - get used to it or don't do it

Wow. You've done well to see how ALL families work!! Well done you .....

BTW a good way to get schools to phone dads first is to put their number as the primary contact 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Elfblossom

My initial thoughts - don't have a baby if you don't want to raise one.

But after some consideration - don't have a baby if you don't want to raise one.

"Men can go back to work after a week with no judgment" ? Yeah ... that's because they didn't grow and birth a baby, you going to get someone else to do that for you too? I mean ... you could! But please don't. Just don't have a baby.

Seriously.

If you went to a dog rescue and spoke about adopting a puppy in the same way, I can guarantee you wouldn't be leaving with a dog!

What a horrible judgemental post

Just to say my DH does more childcare than me as he works 4 days a week and I work 5. He hooks after them himself on Fridays. I earn more than him so it was the best thing to do. I took 12 months with dd1 and 9 months with dd2.
I exclusively pump as breastfeeding didn’t work out for a variety of reasons and pumping has given me the freedom to hand over bottles and be flexible with my time whilst giving my children breastmilk. Kellymom and dedicated Facebook groups have information on it if you wanted to return to work but pump. It’s easier than you think.

My childcare has been great and I have a good work/life balance. Good luck TTC and I am sure you will find something that works for you!

@Bumpsadaisie

I think you might be a bit muddled about attachment parenting though *@ttcissoboring*

The idea of attachment parenting is that close and secure attachment in infancy leads to more secure and independent children in later life.

I am not making any comment on whether or not this is true - but just saying that in terms of your understanding of the theory behind attachment theory you have I think got it a bit awry.

Also attachment theory does not necessarily prescribe e.g. parenting - carrying baby at all times and breastfeeding until they start school.

It means, to me at least, parenting with attention and sensitivity to the attachment needs of the baby/small child and keeping those needs at the heart of every decision/approach.

It is possible to do that in a 50:50 way.

A baby who is cared for by two stable caregivers 50:50 is having a very stable attachment experience.

The route to confident, emotionally healthy and independent children is to provide what they need that is appropriate to their developmental stage and make independence demands on them that are appropriate to their developmental stage.

This can work both ways - not forcing a child into independence before they are ready but likewise not smothering a child unnecessarily and putting all ones own anxieties on to them.

Obviously it is a art not a science in getting it "right" but it is a thing you can feel your way for and become better at the older your child gets and the more experienced you get as a parent.

Absolutely agree with this and I actually think attachment parenting is why my daughter does so well with me working - she had very healthy attachment. She knows I will come back. She has therefore never been one to cling or cry for hours because I have left - but she does run to me when I come back. I was criticised for always picking her up and cuddling her when she was newborn but actually I do think that helped her to feel that I would come and meet her needs, which helped with independence. I did a lot of reading on it when pregnant and when she was newborn, as well as having work related experience. My husband also has a strong attachment with her. So OP I think look at attachment parenting again :)

@RedHelenB

Nurseries and childminders will take babies from a couple of weeks if you want to go straight back to work.

@Waitingforthecowstocomehome

That makes me feel sad.

Me too .... How depressing. Having a baby (you apparently wanted?) just to farm them out to childminders at 2 weeks old. WTAF?

I really do question the reason why some people have a child.

For many people 50/50 is not realistic, because jobs that give you flexibility are generally lower paying.

Not at all true for us. My DH is on a good salary and a senior manager, and his hours are very flexible. He works for the Local Council and that’s one of the advantages. He’s also always been 50/50 when at home, and in recent times he’s been the primary caregiver, since I have Long Covid. (Our DDs are 12 and 9, so they are more independent now, making this more manageable.)

If you had known me when I was younger, I was a complete feminist. When I was pregnant, I had mellowed but was on the senior leadership team in a school, with aspirations to go further. I was going to take 4 to 6 months off and then go back full time. Instead I took a year off, went back newly pregnant, and had another year for my second. I went back part time after my first and came off theSenior Leadership Team. It does annoy me but all I wanted was to be part time so at the time, I didn’t care that much. In fact, if we had been able to afford it, I would not have gone back at all.
I breastfed both my kids well past one. The WHO actually recommends feeding for the first 2 years and I can see why. My first child refused a bottle and cluster fed. I found it really hard to express so my husband just could not have done it. We tried all sorts of different bottles. Unfortunately, if supplementing with formula, the body can stop producing milk, especially if it has struggled to make the milk in The first place, like my body did, and the power of breastfeeding in terms of the immunity it offers the baby, can be reduced.
Also, giving birth was pretty awful and I had treatment for a year after (until I was pregnant again) and pain for years. Other mums were out running with a 6 week old, I got told I couldn’t do the postnatal exercise class because I was still in pain.
I also really enjoyed maternity leave. I enjoyed meeting new friends and going to baby groups.
In nature, the 4th trimester is spent in the womb. However, in humans, the baby is born but nature does intend for it to be with its mum, where possible.
Like many have said, you really don’t know how you will feel until the baby is born.
Finally, I will just say that the worst boss I have ever worked for, was as cold as ice. She returned to work when her baby was 2 months and she gleefully told us in a meeting how her child had been ill with croupe during the night and how she had slept and left her husband to deal with it. I just felt so sorry for that baby and couldn’t wait to get home to my kids.

@telvg

I have worked with a few women like your boss. Cold as ice and totally detached from their child(ren.) They'll regret it later in life when the kids want fuck-all to do with them.

We parent 50/50 very happily.

The first year was different (for me), I breastfed both our DS and wasn't willing to share maternity leave when I was doing the night feeds. Also, being honest, hormones made me clingy with a neonate.

But from a year.we both dropped our hrs to 0.75 and do opposite long shifts. Dh loves parenting and we always planned to share it. One of us is always around. We are very similar in parenting styles and ideology, so rules & expectations are consistent. We of course have some differences, DH plays more physically and I am a bit keener on education. I do tend to be the family organiser but Dh is better at calmly (& with humour) tackling challenging behaviour. I hope we compliment each other.

We both get to carry on working in jobs we find interesting and no one shoulders the full financial burden.

There are lots of very involved fathers where we live so it's pretty normal here.

Different set ups work for different families but it definately isn't unattainable to parent 50/50 and not wanting to shoulder all of parenting does not mean you shouldn't be a mother.

@Thevoiceofreason2021

You are right to be concerned. We agreed on 50/50 and I ended up as primary care giver. Fucks me off tbh, it’s not what I signed up to. Covid didn’t help - we couldn’t get a nursery place till DC was 1 year old and of course I was the one who had to stay at home as he earns slightly more than me. I would recommend sorting a nursery place ASAP, many of them have long wait lists. Also don’t be shy in taking up any offers of help from friends and family, the sooner your little one gets used to being baby sat the better. I found a full year on maternity leave beyond tedious and was great full To be back at work.

What a thoroughly depressing post.

You couldn't WAIT for your baby to be at the point where people could babysit your child? And you couldn't WAIT to get back to work?!

You sound very resentful of your own child here!

Also, why did YOU have to stay home, and be 'primary care giver' to your child, and be FORCED to have a year of mind numbingly BORING maternity leave, if your DH only earned slightly more than you?

Makes naff-all sense to me. Why did your DH not stay home, whilst you went out to your wonderful exciting job? Your DH would probably have been a lot more grateful and happy to spend the first year of his child's life with his child, than you were.