To not want to be primary caregiver?

[ttcissoboring]

Not got kids yet but planning to. I don't know any woman that's not the primary caregiver IRL and it's starting to panic me. I don't want to be primary caregiver. Is this going to be enivitable?

Is it impossible to go back to work as soon as I am feeling physically able to and split the parenting at that point? A year off work seems the default but there is no way I want and could do that. Men go back after a week and there is no judgement as to 'how could he leave the child so young' woman does it and the judgement is like she has committed child abuse, I find it very sad and frustrating. And the judgement seems to come from other women as much as it does men.

Does anyone who has children consider themselves not the primary caregiver and completely equal with how they parent with their partner?

The idea of parenting doesn't appeal to me unless it's 50/50 ( of course I understand anything could happen tragically to DH where I'd have to be full caregiver and I'd have no choice)

Is primary caregiver inevitable because I'm a woman? And am I being somewhat naive to this experience?!

Please tell me your experiences of switching this narrative if you have kids, are a woman and not the default parent but share the duties equally from very early on.

Nurseries and childminders will take babies from a couple of weeks if you want to go straight back to work.

In my NCT group there's two stay at home dads, it's something that is becoming more common so not a given that it has to be you. Have you spoken to DH about who would stay at home? Can both of you go to work and the baby goes to nursery/a childminder/has a nanny?

I took 9 months, but now I'm back to work (FT) we're very even in our parenting. I wouldn't say I'm the primary carer, much more like 50/50.

Breastfeeding is the one thing that obviously your DH can't do. Five if you don't want to do it, but there are so many benefits for your baby that I would think carefully before deciding that I didn't want to try to give my baby those advantages.

But the biggest thing is whether your partner is on board- does he want to take extended pat leave?

Men and women aren't interchangeable. It's something we all have to accept.

My DC is 25 and we shared everything except breastfeeding. Not inevitable at all.

We are 50/50.

However we have an usual set up in that we are older and can afford to work part time. And are consciously choosing that so we spend a lot of time with the kids (as we are older the grandparents are dead and we have no family support).

But if someone has to work 40 hours a week and are out of the house 50 hours with commute, that set up is absolutely impossible and they default to being the secondary caregiver.

@Zarene yes apologies I should have out in original post I completely am happy with being primary initially and yes I would like to breastfeed so I am happy to take that one on the chin! And if that makes going back to work tricky then I would either push back a bit or mix bottle and breast.

You can go straight back to work. Many women in other countries do not get maternity leave. If that's what you want then you can.

The nurseries in my town take from 6 months old though, they wont take younger. In other areas, they do. You'd need to check that though.

All I'll say is that birth is hard on you, and s newborn is exhausting. Maternity leave is partly for you to recover. Your husband doesn't need that. You need time to recover.
Its also for the baby. This is a living being with thoughts and feelings and needs. Babies need bonding time. Putting a 2 week old into nursery for 8/9 hours a day is something I would never do u less I had no choice (like no paid leave).

50/50 parenting is absolutely possible. As the child grows, you and your husband would be able to work that between yourselves. There is no reason for you to be parent number 1.

You really do need to consider if children are right for you though, because it comes across like you would view them as an inconvenience. That's not s nice way to grow up.

We both do exactly the same for work and yes he has hinted he wants to be stay at home (I don't think in reality he would!) but so far he is saying all the right things to imply he would be 50/50 but I don't trust what he's saying purely on the basis that this just doesn't happen IRL from what I see!

Even those dads that seem fully supportive, always the woman dropping her hours and career as if it's a given. And I'm reluctant to do that.

We shared the responsibility from early on, but not quite in the same way. Neither of us were working following our son's premature birth (for unforeseen reasons). I wanted to BF but DS wouldn't latch, so I pumped instead: this led to a rather cute, shared arrangement whereby I would pump whilst DH simultaneously bottle-fed DS from a previous batch.

DS had health issues, we knew we would need one parent at home going forwards; so we decided that whoever got a job first, would be the working parent. That turned out to be me, and I've worked full-time since DS turned one year old. DS is now 12, and DH is responsible for before/after school and the school holidays. Because I have a flair for organising and admin, I'm still responsible for school matters such as our son's EHCP. DH is more practical/physical, and that is suited to handling our son's autistic (mis)behaviours.

I'd say we are at least 50:50 on parenting, and more like 10:90 on actual childcare.

You really do need to consider if children are right for you though, because it comes across like you would view them as an inconvenience. That's not s nice way to grow up.

See - this is the judgement I am referring to! I have already decided I would like children.

This statement is completely unnecessary and judgemental.

I would re-think having a child.

And I've also made it very clear in my post when I am physically able to return - irrespective of how long that takes.

I understand that birth needs recovery period. I mean once recovered.

It's also worth remembering that maternity leave is just as much for your recovery as it is to bond with baby and get to grips with parenthood.

You may plan to go back to work ASAP but you can never know how you will feel physically until you've actually experienced labour. Additionally you won't be able to predict whether you will actually want to leave your new baby. Hormones are wonderful at messing up even the best laid of plans.

@user1493494961 could you elaborate?!

For the last year I’ve worked away during the week full time. DH is the parent at home doing school runs and pack lunches and face to face parenting. Youngest aged 5.

My ex was a terrible husband but a great dad. I took 5 months off (most we could afford, baby completely unplanned) but he was often the default care giver because he loved it and was always hands on. His job meant he spent most of his afternoons with our son.

The choice is nothing to do with outside expectations and all to do with your own set up and attitudes.

DH and I both went part time when DC1 came along, as it happened he became a SAHD and I went back full time.

A colleague of mine did consciously equal shared parental leave - she did the first six months (bf), and then he did six months. They now have an enviable parenting setup where neither has ever really been the default parent.

There is a societal bias towards women being primary carers, so you will need to do a bit of "and why are you asking me that..?", but with a bit of thought it's perfectly do-able.

For me I couldn't physically separate myself from my kids. I think it's a natural biological tie that you have to try very hard to break in order to go back to work immediately after birth like a man can (plus your body has been through a massive trauma that a man's hasn't). I actually couldn't leave mine for more than an hour without worrying and feeling a kind of loss even after 6 months old. And I found that I didn't actually want to.

I do know families that do supposed equal parenting. My sister put hers in all day childcare after a few months and parenting and household chores are supposed to be entirely equal. They're not. She is still forced to deal with the kids more when both her and her husband are home. It's not that her husband refuses, he just... doesn't do it. He'll sit there and let her do it because she's pretty much given up giving orders of what needs done next. And he claims he can't cook so add all the cooking to her list of chores.

That, I think is what seems to happen. Men still "help" their wives by doing housework, and "babysit" their kids. The world has a lot of changing still to do to get rid of that bullshit. My DH hates when people coo over him "helping" me by pushing the pram and having a newborn in a carrier. He's even asked them before if they would say the same to me? And his reply to babysitting comment is, "on no, I'm not babysitting. I'm their father. I thought it was obvious? Rene and I have been married for years!"

I agree with pp and think you should probably rethink children.

The biggest thing I've learnt since having children (and I had to learn it twice after each one!), is not to make too many firm plans until they're actually here and you see how you feel. Before I had my first the plan was for my husband and I to each drop down to 4 days a week and split childcare down the middle. I wanted everything 50/50 (although I did want 6 months maternity leave). When I actually had my first, I changed my mind. I enjoyed parenting more than I thought I would (a lot more in fact) and we changed the plan so that he'd work full time and I'd go let time. It's been entirely my choice and one that I'm happy with (he is too as it turns out). I'm the primary caregiver and I'm fine with it. Pre children I would have been horrified at this but like I said, I’ve learnt now that it's best to wait and see how you feel once they're here before making any big plans and be open to changing your mind.

Nothing is set in stone and you definitely don't have to be the primary caregiver, but of course you need the complete support of a like-minded partner.

If your partner is willing to stay home (in practice, not just theory) then it’s possible. But you’ll be initial carer due to the feeding and fact you need time to recover physically.

You may also be faced with a child that, after breastfeeding, refuses point blank to take a bottle.

Then there’s the default setting of schools, nursery, etc - mum gets the first call in the event of...well...everything.

There’s also the question of how much you can let go of being I control. If your partner is primary, you will have to defer to them on many things - nothing more irritating than having a partner that doesn’t do the job but tries to micromanage it!

I took 9 months mat leave so was obviously primary carer then, but now we both work full time and DH is every bit as involved in parenting as I am. Neither of us reduced our hours, but he moved his slightly (to 8:16:30) to enable me to do nursery drop off and him to do pick up.

You specifically said that you would not want to parent unless it was 50/50.
Wanting children isnt usually conditional.

I'm a single mum to 2 kids and have a business to run. My kids were in nursery from 6 months and I was working full time. There is nothing wrong with wanting your career and kids. And no judgement around that.

But that's not what you've said. You've said you dont want kids if you will end up being the default parent (the one the school calls, the one your kids come to first etc).

I wanted kids. We planned 50/50. That was the ideal. But I wouldn't have said I dont want children if it's going to be anything else than 50/50.... because I wanted kids. Its lucky I felt like that because my ex left and we didnt see him for 5 years. I didnt resent my children. I didnt resent doing it alone.

Anything can happen. If you genuinely do not want a child that you might be fully responsible for then you may need to have another think.

It is inevitable you are the one giving birth. I didn’t want children for this reason. I couldn’t cope with the thought but things happen and I am now nearly 20 weeks pregnant. Still terrified of the thought but I know I am the primary caregiver and that feels natural and right. I am carry this little baby and have a bond with it already. When it is born I will breast feed. My partner will do what he can 🤷🏻‍♀️