To not want to be primary caregiver?

[ttcissoboring]

Not got kids yet but planning to. I don't know any woman that's not the primary caregiver IRL and it's starting to panic me. I don't want to be primary caregiver. Is this going to be enivitable?

Is it impossible to go back to work as soon as I am feeling physically able to and split the parenting at that point? A year off work seems the default but there is no way I want and could do that. Men go back after a week and there is no judgement as to 'how could he leave the child so young' woman does it and the judgement is like she has committed child abuse, I find it very sad and frustrating. And the judgement seems to come from other women as much as it does men.

Does anyone who has children consider themselves not the primary caregiver and completely equal with how they parent with their partner?

The idea of parenting doesn't appeal to me unless it's 50/50 ( of course I understand anything could happen tragically to DH where I'd have to be full caregiver and I'd have no choice)

Is primary caregiver inevitable because I'm a woman? And am I being somewhat naive to this experience?!

Please tell me your experiences of switching this narrative if you have kids, are a woman and not the default parent but share the duties equally from very early on.

“The idea of parenting doesn't appeal to me”. Interesting choice of words OP. Sounds like you aren’t ready to have kids. Nothing to do with going back to work. I work FT but still parent my kids FT. Believe or not even when your children are out of sight, you are still parenting them.

It sounds like you think children would be an inconvenience to your life, id honestly rethink it. They are a lot harder when they're actually here, what if your child has health issues? Or your DH can't do 50/50 for whatever reason?

@ttcissoboring

Oh when I said going back after a week I didn't mean I want to go back after a week - I meant men can do that and no one cares, a woman goes back after six months (a friend of mine) and gets judged. I was trying to highlight men are able to basically parent how they want with very little/no judgement. Or at least that's how it feels

Yes but the reason men go back is because they are not the ones who have just had the baby. I honestly think you are massively ignoring the huge impact carrying a child for 9 months and giving birth will have upon your body both emotionally and physically.

I also know loads of menn who would loved to have had longer off after their baby arrived but didn't because they needed to earn money to financially support their partner whilst she was on maternity leave.

@ttcissoboring

Oh when I said going back after a week I didn't mean I want to go back after a week - I meant men can do that and no one cares, a woman goes back after six months (a friend of mine) and gets judged. I was trying to highlight men are able to basically parent how they want with very little/no judgement. Or at least that's how it feels

I don’t think you are understanding the huge emotional and physical toll pregnancy, birth and a baby has.

Because, just like men, you haven’t had a baby yet. If you do you’ll see what I mean.

That’s why they can go back to work after two weeks paternity - because they haven’t gone through it.

It’s an absolute emotional mindfuck. A bloody amazing, magical one, but a mindfuck all the same and if you were able to leave that child even a couple of months after birth I would be concerned something had gone wrong with your bond.

Actually OP lots of people, mainly women, do choose to be a lone parent. It's much harder for men to actively choose it.

Personally I wouldn't, for a variety of reasons. And many of those that choose likely because they are not in long term relationship or partner is a potential risk to child.

I believe very few people would choose That route if given a choice, I could be wrong.

I am also not knocking like parents at all - I was bought up by lone parent and see how hard it is which is why it worries me. If it happens I cannot control it then obviously I have to deal with it but given a choice I wouldn't enter into things knowing I was to be a lone parent.

How much housework does your husband do? Are you genuinely 50:50 at home already? If not I would probably be a bit suspicious of his promises to do 50:50 childcare.

Ignore other women's views. If you're a SAHM you get equal amounts of abuse but in a sarcastic, put you down way, so you might as well do what's best for you and your family. A year off is the maximum, not the requirement.

It sounds like the best thing for you is to take less time off and do less of the childcare. So that's what you should be arranging and bugger everyone else.

I took 6 months maternity leave (didn’t occur to me I could take more, as I was higher earner and I had 6 months leave full pay) and went back full time.
After a few years my husband went part time while I was still full time. Even though we had been very very equal parenting, it was noticeably different when he had more “sole care” times - it was great.
Since then I also went slightly part time - 4 days - and we continue to share very equally.

More and more dads at my work are taking longer paternity (ie shared parental) leave - it makes a big difference in taking real ownership and sole responsibility rather than always looking to the person who had those first few months of parental leave.

I would say we are as evenly shared as anyone I know. And I love it that way. We have each others backs. We each have different things we are a bit better at - we aren’t interchangeable precisely - but I don’t ever feel like if I’m busy I have to leave instructions or worry he can’t cope with the kids as a matter of course. And vice versa.
And nobody’s career has suffered. Though we are both fortunate to work in places where it’s not deeply frowned on to be part time.

@JoanOgden yes currently 50/50

[quote ttcissoboring]@cheesemarmitepanini - my username is called ttcissoboring because I've been ttc for three years followed by multiple miscarriages - so yes I'm not afraid to say, the process is becoming draining and every month waiting for tww and tests is becoming frustrating.
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For those saying OP sounds emotionally detached / should rethink becoming a parent..... please make sure you've read the update I've quoted/
I conceived easily each time and only had one miscarriage but it made me scared to become emotionally attached to my next pregnancy. Thankfully a very wise person helped me think differently.

OP I come back to what I said before this update - you may feel differently once you have had the baby - and you may not - but keep an open mind.

The idea of parenting doesn't appeal to me

It probably isn’t a good idea to have DC if you’re going to stick them in nurseries for most of their waking hours. It’s totally fine if you don’t want DC. Women don’t have to have DC if they’re not maternal.

My DH is currently a SAHD while I work full time. I have two friends whose DHs have gone down to 4 days a week so they can have a day with their kids. Also know a fair few who have taken shared parental leave, normally for around 3 months so mum takes 9 months and then goes back to work and dad does the last 3. It’s a lot more normal now than it used to be.

There is judgment whatever you do so I wouldn’t worry about that. I’m sure plenty of other mums at the school gates judge me for rarely being there and DH doing everything. Equally I judge some of them for not being interested in having a career. It’s swings and roundabouts!

You really do need to consider if children are right for you though, because it comes across like you would view them as an inconvenience. That's not s nice way to grow up.

Unless you're a bloke. In which case no one bats an eyelid if he wants what the OP wants.

@ttcissoboring

Oh when I said going back after a week I didn't mean I want to go back after a week - I meant men can do that and no one cares, a woman goes back after six months (a friend of mine) and gets judged. I was trying to highlight men are able to basically parent how they want with very little/no judgement. Or at least that's how it feels

That goes back to the point that men and women are not the same.

I never wanted to be a SAHM, hated maternity leave, didn't want to go PT and went back to work at 16 weeks and back to travelling for work by the time ds was a year. I bf to 2 years though.
DH saved up all his leave, and so had his 2 weeks paternity leave and then 8 weeks where he had 2 days a week off, and then once I was working it was all very 50:50 and still is when ds is 15.
Nothing wrong at all with your stance on this imo. People told me I'd want to change my mind when ds was born, that I wouldn't be able to bf, that I wouldn't want to travel again - but I did.

@RockingMyFiftiesNot thank you for your post. Unless you've had a loss very difficult to understand the detachment you have to mentally do to protect yourself.

Thank you so much for understanding. Your post means a lot

When you have many miscarriages until a child is physically born I will not believe it is really happening. Because it can be harmful otherwise, from experience.

The reality is that no one can give you assurance that your DH will stick by what he says and genuinely be 50/50 with you. Some men do, some men don't, it's a risk you have to take into consideration if it's that important to you.

However, I do agree that if you're only having kids because it's the thing to do rather than because you really want them and would be interested in and involved in their lives then you shouldn't have them.

An uninvolved parent is really bad for children (just that that doesn't mean you have to change all the nappies! Or give up your cricket)

We are every much 50/50. We did shared parental leave, and then for a few years I was the one who worked full time while my wife dropped a day to spend it with our son. But as we’re two women (I have birth) there we’re no expected gender roles.

If both parents want to parent equally there is no reason they can’t

[quote ttcissoboring]@cheesemarmitepanini - my username is called ttcissoboring because I've been ttc for three years followed by multiple miscarriages - so yes I'm not afraid to say, the process is becoming draining and every month waiting for tww and tests is becoming frustrating.
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I went through similar so can sympathise.

I can't square your apparent effort to get pregnant, with your desire to get back to work straight away

Also people judge women whatever- went back to work too soon, didn't go back soon enough, do too few hours, work too many hours; the best thing to do is what you want and what works best for your family.

Babies are physically dependent on their mother's body for breast milk and physical security. You can replace these things with man made options such as formula feeding and paying other people to be the care giver. These is completely up to you as the person with parental responsibility.

Me and my partner do 50/50 he is a fab dad and probably does a wee bit more tbf. Both work full time but i have a 2 hour commute to and from work so he does most drop off/ picks from childminder.
The only thing we argue about is housework

The 1st 9 months though I did all! Breast feeding/nights etc but then I loved every minute of it. Was definitely ready for work by then though.

Imo patterns of parenting are established on maternity/paternity leave.

If you want a 50/50 split rather than being left holding the baby:

• Your DP/DH needs to do everything else apart from feeding if you're breastfeeding while he is on his initial paternity leave. Housework, cooking etc. You need to share night wakings or, if you're breastfeeding, he needs to be changing and resettling the baby. Fine to give him a few hours "protected" sleep but every aspect of babycare needs to be both of your responsibility from the start. No "Well I'm breastfeeding so may as well do all the nights and let him sleep" shit. You are recovering and he needs to step up.
• While you are on maternity leave and he is at work, the baby/chores are 100% your responsibility. As soon as he gets home, they are split 50/50. And he doesn't get a "free pass" to do no night wakings because he is working.
• You need to split your maternity leave so he can have a few months being sole carer for the baby. Repeat the pattern from during your maternity leave... so you share childcare and chores 50/50 when you get back from work.

If he doesn't feel the baby is as much his responsibility as yours when you both return to work, then I'm afraid there's no hope really. You are default and he is free to have hobbies and go to work drinks whenever he pleases in his mind.

@Phobiaphobic

Nope. That was my whole point. I judge men who declare that parenting doesnt appeal to them and they're leaving it to mum a lot more than I judge a woman who goes to work and parents outside her working hours. Because se is stil being an active parent. Dads with that attitude are the ones you know go home and sit in front of a games console.
If a woman does that, then I'll judge her for being a shitty parent just like I do a man.

Going back to work and splitting the kids between you is great. Saying that parenting doeant appeal to you isnt great.