To not want to be primary caregiver?

[ttcissoboring]

Not got kids yet but planning to. I don't know any woman that's not the primary caregiver IRL and it's starting to panic me. I don't want to be primary caregiver. Is this going to be enivitable?

Is it impossible to go back to work as soon as I am feeling physically able to and split the parenting at that point? A year off work seems the default but there is no way I want and could do that. Men go back after a week and there is no judgement as to 'how could he leave the child so young' woman does it and the judgement is like she has committed child abuse, I find it very sad and frustrating. And the judgement seems to come from other women as much as it does men.

Does anyone who has children consider themselves not the primary caregiver and completely equal with how they parent with their partner?

The idea of parenting doesn't appeal to me unless it's 50/50 ( of course I understand anything could happen tragically to DH where I'd have to be full caregiver and I'd have no choice)

Is primary caregiver inevitable because I'm a woman? And am I being somewhat naive to this experience?!

Please tell me your experiences of switching this narrative if you have kids, are a woman and not the default parent but share the duties equally from very early on.

It just needs an honest sit down conversation with your DP. Before you TTC. That way you both lay your expectations on the table and decide between you what will happen going forward. Though I would say I had similar desire to go back to work asap after the birth, as I loved my job, but the reality once the baby arrives can be different - I actually changed my mind once dc arrived, and wanted to be at home for the maximum length of time for my mat leave. So be prepared for your wants and needs to change as the pregnancy progresses, and baby arrives.

Most of the mums in my professional group have a fairly balanced arrangement. I know several SAH,D, and it seems to work very well.

@Phobiaphobic

You really do need to consider if children are right for you though, because it comes across like you would view them as an inconvenience. That's not s nice way to grow up.

Unless you're a bloke. In which case no one bats an eyelid if he wants what the OP wants.

Because blokes aren't women

My DH knew from the start there was no way in hell I would be a SAHM or even part time. I love my work and I need the mental stimulation (which mat leave proved). Prior to mat leave (and now) I am the higher earner, so financially it didn't make sense regardless for me to reduce my hours.

As it stands, we both work full time but my DH finishes at 3pm, so he bathes DD after I've picked her up from the childminder at 4pm, deals with her snack and then I work another hour with her playing in the front room.

I will watch her then primarily for the evening (and feed dinner) however in that time he is cleaning/tidying up.

At the weekend on one of the days, he will tend to start pottering about the house from midday and I'll watch DD.

The other day he will take the lead.

We rotate who gets up with her each morning so the other gets a brief lie in.

Our set up probably leans more to me with childcare/life administration for DD around 60/40, but he primarily picks up the slack with cleaning.

I’d say we are 50/50. We both have a lot of flexibility in our jobs however, which really helps. The kids are 7 and 3 now.

I know two couples, in which both individuals have gone to 2.5 days each to share the load equally. I think that’s an amazing approach if couples can afford it.

It’s possible, but you need to be clear with DP about how it’s how it’s going to work. Be careful to lay the ground work during maternity leave though. That’s where the balance of power tends to change. He should take a reasonable amount of paternity leave for example.

The arrangement can be what ever you want. I know a couple and he was stay at home dad .

@ttcissoboring

You really do need to consider if children are right for you though, because it comes across like you would view them as an inconvenience. That's not s nice way to grow up.

See - this is the judgement I am referring to! I have already decided I would like children.

This statement is completely unnecessary and judgemental.

I agree, that a misogynistic take on it. A man wouldn’t have that said to them.

My ex was primary caregiver for a few years when ours were toddlers. He was made redundant and my career really took off at the same time. It can work, but it can be lonely if you are in the minority, which at the time I was.

Why do posters keep highlighting that I said parenting doesn't appeal but then miss off the rest of the sentence!!!????

Are you the media trying to reword a quote to make it sound worse???

I said;

Parenting doesn't appeal to me if not 50/50. Why should it? I have seen many threads where woman ends up doing everything she gets upset and posters say LTB!! I say I don't like the idea of doing everything and non maternal shouldn't have kids?!!

Honestly, some posters just constantly looking to pile on,

When you have many miscarriages until a child is physically born I will not believe it is really happening. Because it can be harmful otherwise, from experience.

I can only imagine based on one loss and becoming pregnant again soon after, which is nothing like your experience I know. But someone told me that every pregnancy deserved the same love as the first one. When I said I was scared to love it in case I lost it, she pointed out that it would still hurt even if I had remained detached and would feel guilty if the pregnancy was successful. Harder for you I know but maybe worth thinking about x

@seaandsandcastles yes I will be sure to tell that to my mother who has to go back to work when I’m as 3 months old that she had no emotional born with me and selfishly chose to work so we would have food to eat as she had no acccess to public funds due to her immigration status. How cruel and callous of her that she didn’t sit and watch her children starve to death and instead chose to work.

Strange about the emotional bond because I am much closer to her than the people on MN with SAHM who they know have no contact with. It’s almost as if it is a bit too simplistic to claim that a mother who leaves her child has no bond with them.

This is the judgement OP was talking about.

Also the ignorance of people on here about different countries. In most countries on earth women regularly resume work as soon as physically possible unless they would starve to death. Your judgement is elitist and completely ignorant.

It will be inevitable if you're the lower earner, because that's what makes the most economic sense. If you out-earn your husband by a substantial enough margin that it makes no economic sense for you to be the one missing work, then it will be inevitable that he does it, so long as he's willing. Obviously this should be discussed beforehand. There are reasons this isn't a popular approach, and it's not just latent social gender bias. If you're going to have the same job either way, then marrying someone who earns markedly less than you do means you'll have a significantly lower total household income than if you married someone who earned the same or more. This isn't a situation most women seek out intentionally, particularly if they want children.

Many countries don't allow anywhere near a year as maternity leave. In the US, the minimum requirement is six weeks unpaid, and many go back sooner either because they need the money or are passionate about their jobs. There are serious downsides to that, of course, but for the most part everyone muddles along just fine. So you certainly can go back after six weeks or even less, so long as you're physically recovered enough to do your job - people do it all the time. People might judge you for it, but that's not the same as being unable to do it.

It depends. If you live in MN world where all of the women have high powered careers on £100k or more a year then it can be shared.
In the ordinary world where I live women earn minimum wage - £30k and they are all primary caregiver.

I felt very similar and still do! I don't think anyone would judge a man for saying they want their partner to do at least 50% of the childcare - don't see why it's any different 🤷‍♀️ We took shared parental leave so were both at home together for the first 4.5 months - it was tricky financially but brilliant. My LO was EBF so obviously I was the default carer pretty much, but my husband did almost everything else- housework, keeping us fed and watered, getting the baby to sleep when she didn't crash out on the boob, nappies, swaddling etc etc... and we did lots of play time/bath time etc together which was lovely. He went back to work three days at 4.5 months, I went back three days at 6 months- GPs had LO the day we were both working. We've both fairly recently increased to four days - GPs have LO two days and she does 2 mornings at nursery. We're very lucky to have been able to do what we've done but if anyone is able to do similar I would definitely recommend it! Free time is totally equal and there is zero element of my husband 'babysitting' - he is very much an equal parent with me. The only caveat I would say is that your child may have other ideas - for some reason when my LO is ill/teething/grumpy or whatever she just wants mum, even though my husband has always spent just as much time with her and is amazing! Those times are really difficult (maybe due to a comforting sensory memory from pregnancy/bf or something??) but usually short lived. Good luck with the ttc!

Yeah it sounds like you are ttc because it feels like you have to, not because you want to. I'm not sure if you're trying to be goady tbh.

My sil is a very in demand barrister, so went back to work after a few weeks after both dc and my db stayed home with the babies. It probably is unusual yes but that's what worked best for them.

Yeah it sounds like you are ttc because it feels like you have to, not because you want to. I'm not sure if you're trying to be goady tbh.

Please read all the OP's posts

You say you are 50/50 housework now, which is great. But really take a look at whether that's because you are saying you do X and I'll do Y, so you are still organising it and whether there's specific tasks eg sorting bins or loading washing machine that he'll do,but not things like clean bathroom off his own back or remember a family members birthday,get card and gift themselves These are the sorts of things that are multiplied 100x as soon as there's a baby involved, especially in the first stages.

Nothing can prepare you for how mentally and physically exhausting your baby is. Some are easy going, others will have colic, CMPA, just don't sleep etc. You may have an easy labour, you might be like me and physically be sore and in pain daily for 9m PP so all that's a lottery.

Completely possible, but depends on how you feel about it after you actually have a baby and what sort of partner your DP shapes up to be at that time.

I took a year off for mat leave and DC was completely attached to me for at least 18 months, though we tried our best to get them to go to Daddy, and we managed a more equal hands-on childcare split only by the time DC was 2 ( DH managed other chores in the meantime except cooking) Even now DC prefers only Mummy for some things (both of us are firm parents, but I'm the softy I guess)

At the moment I look after the planning part for several things related to DC, simply because I'm better at it (I love lists and planning) and I prefer to. DH does a lot more of the intense hands-on activities, eg learning activities like numbers and phonics, reading books, outdoorsy stuff which I'd rather not. We split things like bedtimes and drop offs/ pickups and daily discipline and shopping for DC essentials. But we do it on an ad hoc basis rather than prearranging how we split the effort. It would be hard to say either of us is the primary caregiver, we share it 50-50 - we just play to our individual strengths and preferences, covering for the other where we need to.

It took a bit of discussion at one point to feel we were on an equal basis, esp when DC was so clingy with me. But DH could see the enormous strain I was under with the sleep deprivation of the first 3 years (DC being a horrendous sleeper) but both of us actually want to spend time with DC without losing our sanity so we found a way!

I don't think it's possible to be 50:50 with very young children. I think they need a default parent, whether that's mum or dad. One parent needs to take the lead on various things and it just happens that's often mum but it doesn't need to be (although being honest I think it's usually better if that is mum).

I would say that you may feel different after you have a baby. The mixing breast and bottle comment made me wince a little purely because yes plenty do it but it can be very hard to do successfully especially early on, it's naive if you think that's an easy solution to breastfeeding being tricky. But as long as you keep an open mind I am sure you could work through the things that don't end up as you imagine. In reality I don't think you can really imagine having a baby until you do, so much of it is wait and see.

Personally with my relationship it wouldn't have been good for DH to be the default parent/primary caregiver. He is a great dad, but he himself would say he can't give DD what I can. That won't be the case in every relationship, but I do think there are things mums are better at than dads.

I had DD to please DH, on the clear understanding that he would be the primary parent. We’d been together for 13 years by then, so I was pretty confident that I could trust him to do what he said he would. I never wanted children in the abstract - it was very lucky for all three of us that I wanted DD once she was here. I took 6 months maternity leave and then went back full time, DH had some time at home and then went back to part time work. DD is 11 now and it’s worked for us, and she has a strong bond with us both.

So far as being judged is concerned, you just need to develop a thick skin. If someone is stupid enough to think that my working full time is bad for DD, when they’d see nothing wrong with a man working full time, I don’t value their opinion or care what they think. I know DD has been well cared for, and that’s the important thing. I also love my job and wouldn’t be without it, which helps.

I read on here how many dads do sweet FA in comparison to the mother but in many of those cases, the women believed he would change when the baby arrived. As if he would suddenly decide that he would do the housework without being told to just because there's more work to do with a baby in the house.
My DH was good with the chores and when babies 2 & 3 arrived he was handed them for their first nappy change because he was well used to doing it after DD1.
However I do think if I hadn't have established equal responsibility from the get go, it wouldn't have felt like that to him. It was very much a case of, "right, she needs a bum change. You get XX and I'll get her ready."

A friend has two boys. Her husband has never, ever changed a nappy and this was not okay with my friend. I couldn't understand this. "I asked, "Well what did he do when you handed him the newborn and told him to change the nappy and walked away?" and her response was thats she hadn't done that because he didn't want to change nappies and said it was her job. But she had never actually argued that he had to. She had never put him in the position of having no bloody choice. Not blaming the women here but when you automatically do a job for someone else, they won't suddenly decide to take over and do it themselves, no matter what it is.

Once you have a baby you'll want to spend as much time with them as possible, especially if you have a generous maternity package.

Having a baby is a lifestyle adjustment and you'll care more about what you want for you, your baby and your family than breaking the mould.

Yes you can do 5050.
You will struggle to go back full time after a few weeks with a new baby because as a first time mum most of your visitors won't have left you alone yet and you will probably still be bleeding after vag delivery or healing from a C section.

Unless formula feeding you will still be getting your head around feeding. You really wont be expressing full bottles and going out to work for the day.

You could do shared parental leave.

But your priorities will change.

We have four kids. My husband works three days a week and I work two and at the moment that’s how we juggle it all..

However. I am 100% default parent. No question. I didn’t choose that, I don’t think most people do.

What happens is this. You carry the baby so you’re obviously default parent at the point of conception. Then you breastfeed, so again biologically that makes you default for the time your feeding the baby. But you have a community of women around you on here and IRL, your mum, the friends you meet at baby groups, other friends with kids, and you talk to them about weaning and nurseries etc and so then you start to make those decisions too. Don’t get me wrong, your husband will hold the spoon for the weaning and do the drop-offs but will he be the one to have done the research etc? No, because you’re the one on mat leave so you have time to do it and you’re already much more intertwined in the baby’s life and biologically connected to it. And when the baby cries, in my experience the mums physically can’t leave it for more than a second or two so they’re the ones who pick the baby up and soothe it while the men finish their massive morning poo or whatever.

And before you know it, you’re the one picking primary schools because, well, you have the network of other parents who have been through this before and can advise you etc.

So whatever active role your partner plays, however enthusiastically, it’s always really you who’s going to be driving it. And that gets bloody exhausting which is why so many women I know often drop their hours after baby number two, and around we go.

I guess the question you need to be asking yourself about whether your partner is as fully on board with 50/50 is whether he’s on another forum right now, assertively asking about how on earth he can make sure that he’s properly an equal parent and how he can ensure he plays a 50/50 role in everything.

Because if he’s not, then you’re already default parent without intending to be so.

People do manage it, of course, but out of about 100 women whose circumstances I can be confident of, whether they work full time or not, there’s only one who I would consider had her husband as default parent, and he’s retired.

I think there's no problem whether the mum or the dad is the one who's prioritising child over career, but someone has to.

I think the way you've phrased the OP makes it sound like you don't actually want to spend much time with any future children, and you definitely don't want 100% of the responsibility of having a child.

I may have read it wrong though.

It's OK to love your job, and enjoy the money it provides, but to be thinking you would rather be at work than with your child, before they're even conceived, does make me wonder why you want children. Children shouldn't be considered a burden by either parent.

Families do what works for them. I know several stay at home dads, and many families where both parents work full time in demanding jobs.

The women I know who have gone back to work very soon after having a baby have all done a U-turn with work, which gets complicated. With hindsight they'd have been better off having 6 months maternity leave.

You can mentally and philosophically figure out everything you want but hormones can do an absolute number on you after childbirth and totally change all of your plans. Like pps I would suggest a rethink as to whether you would be willing to have your body change your mind or if it would throw you for a loop/depression.