To not want to be primary caregiver?

[ttcissoboring]

Not got kids yet but planning to. I don't know any woman that's not the primary caregiver IRL and it's starting to panic me. I don't want to be primary caregiver. Is this going to be enivitable?

Is it impossible to go back to work as soon as I am feeling physically able to and split the parenting at that point? A year off work seems the default but there is no way I want and could do that. Men go back after a week and there is no judgement as to 'how could he leave the child so young' woman does it and the judgement is like she has committed child abuse, I find it very sad and frustrating. And the judgement seems to come from other women as much as it does men.

Does anyone who has children consider themselves not the primary caregiver and completely equal with how they parent with their partner?

The idea of parenting doesn't appeal to me unless it's 50/50 ( of course I understand anything could happen tragically to DH where I'd have to be full caregiver and I'd have no choice)

Is primary caregiver inevitable because I'm a woman? And am I being somewhat naive to this experience?!

Please tell me your experiences of switching this narrative if you have kids, are a woman and not the default parent but share the duties equally from very early on.

What benefits?! Sorry but this is bullshit.

@IdblowJonSnow Are you joking? Please don’t talk rubbish. The benefits of breastfeeding for mum and baby are well known and scientifically proven.

Breastfed babies have stronger immune systems, fewer illnesses and infections, better vision, lower SIDS and infant mortality rates, and turn into children with fewer allergies, childhood cancers, lower diabetes rates and have a higher brain maturation among many others.

Mums have lower risks of breast and ovarian cancers along with less diabetes, osteoporosis, cardiovascular disease etc etc.

Formula feeding is fine if that’s what someone chooses to do, but there’s no getting away from the fact that from a medical point of view, breastfeeding is better for mum and baby.

@ttcissoboring

We both do exactly the same for work and yes he has hinted he wants to be stay at home (I don't think in reality he would!) but so far he is saying all the right things to imply he would be 50/50 but I don't trust what he's saying purely on the basis that this just doesn't happen IRL from what I see!

Even those dads that seem fully supportive, always the woman dropping her hours and career as if it's a given. And I'm reluctant to do that.

I think a lot depends on whether your DH will actually follow through on staying at home.

Me and DH do 50:50 - he was a SAHD to begin with, then we both went PT to 4 days a week, and now we share pick-ups/drop-offs and other childcare logistics.

Would your DH take 6 months parental leave?
Would he drop his hours if you find you can't both manage FT?
Would he stay at home with a sick child on almost zero notice (with the inevitable impacts on work)?
Would he request flexible working so he can do the nursery pick-up on time?

...this is the practical reality of kids, and one of you will have to do it. Ultimately 50:50 comes down to whether your partner is actually willing to walk-the-walk as well as talking-the-talk.

I think you need to read up on the 4th trimester. Returning to work after a week will be nearly impossible (and illegal you have to take at least two weeks).

50/50 is achievable, I have it with ny eldest but it isnt from birth in my experience. I am primary caregiver to my 9 month old. That doesnt mean I do it all. DH has always taken a month off when my kids were born. And I would say that is very standard amongst my family/friends.

It is absolutely possible. If you set it up from the start. My DH and I share childcare equally (pretty much). He does all the school drop off's as he starts work later and do all the pick-up's. This does mean that majority of the school communication is passed to me as I am there to pick up and speak to teacher at end of the day however any forms that need signing and handed in are done by DH as he takes DS to school. School are very good though and have both our mobile numbers/email addresses so any electronic comms are sent to us both. Evening activities are shared equally - I do scouting
and climbing which are both once a week, he does football which is twice a week with training and matches. I go along to watch the match and he comes along to watch achievement evenings/events in scouting and climbing.

Holidays are split between us with us doing equal share of half terms and summer holidays plus ferrying DS to grandparents for weeks during the summer holidays.

It is easier now that DH has an office job but even when he was on shift work we took the "divide and conquer" approach. Even at the start when I was breastfeeding DH would do his share by making sure I was fed and watered adequately and would change DS/soothe him once I had fed him.

Basically, we both decided to have a child and we both parent him - we just share it out

@Goldbar

If you are not prepared for your life to dramatically change after having a baby then it's not for you OP.

Unless you're a man.

Why do you want to be like a man?

I should acknowledge that of course women could refuse to do all those things too, but societal pressure is so strong on us that its much harder to refuse, where as men seem to have a choice.

Jesus some of the people on here are awful and act like if you want anything more than cookie baking for life you’re a witch. Yes people do do it. It’s a lot easier with money and good jobs and both onboard.

I feel like I parent very equally with my husband, within certain limitations - specifically the fact that I breastfeed, so am responsible for all the feeding, which involves lots of the night wakings too.

But from day one we’ve shared things completely. He took six weeks of paternity leave at the very start, and we did every aspect of it together. When I got up in the night to do the feeds he did the nappies and resettled our baby after. He has done his share of the spending / planning / researching etc unprompted. He does 50% of the housework and 100% of the laundry (which includes cloth nappies).

I have been on maternity leave til now but I’m shortly returning to work and he is having 4 months of shared parental leave during which he will be primary carer.

I think it depends entirely on your partner - mine has NEVER shirked his share of anything. Before we had our baby he did his share of housework, life admin, emotional labour, planning etc. He’s a complete partner who doesn’t need reminded or managed. He just knows what needs done and gets on with it. I never doubted for a second that he would be a totally equal caregiver to our baby.

I don’t think you’re at all unreasonable to want this hammered out in advance. I think my situation is quite rare; in most cases, the work does fall disproportionately on the mother. For some families that works and everyone is happy, but it doesn’t have to be that way for you - it’s completely reasonable for you and your husband to decide in advance that he’s going to be primary caregiver.

plenty of women go back to working full time a few months after having a baby if thats what you mean. Not particularly unusual at all.
I guess you can never guarantee what your partner will feel later on down the line and nor will you. You will also find that a lot of women drop their hours and go part time because they want to.
If your partner says that he would be happy to be an equal co-parent, then what makes you think hes not being honest? Do you have other reasons to think he wouldnt want as modern and equal set up as you?

I think if you're planning to breastfeed it wouldn't be practical for you to go back to work right away. My 9mo still feeds 5 times a day.

IMO totally reasonable to want children conditional to an equal involvement from your partner. As you say it’s far too easy for women to become the default primary caregiver.

Some thoughts based on my experience:
If you can take shared parental leave, do.
If you breastfeed, consider introducing a bottle as early as possible so your partner gets used to feeding baby& don’t default to breastfeeding to soothe so you both develop other tactics (rocking, singing etc).
Again, if you breastfeed, consider night weaning for when you return to work so nighttime settling/feeding can be shared between partners.
Childcare: pick a location where you can both be involved in drop off and pick up , agree days to be the ‘nominated parent’ in case of illness so this doesn’t just fall to you.
GP/dentist/HV - get DP to register using his number for equal share of these so he manages appointments too.

I Definitely wasn’t ready to return to work before 6 months post partum, but enjoyed KIT days from then on. I took 9 months leave. For me that was the right amount.

You may find yourself doing more domestic labour when you are on mat leave. Eg, you will want to hand baby over when your DP finishes work, which means you will likely do more cooking of evening meal while DP does bedtime routine. If you and your DP are aware of this, you can plan for him to pick it back up as you return to work/he takes leave/baby is in childcare. This is the thing I have found hardest, as DP does equal parenting, but I took on most of the baby domestic labour. Currently working on redressing the balance.

Be prepared to sit back and let DP make mistakes/learn for themselves. IMO many women end up taking on responsibility for their partners and make more work for themselves by doing so. It is hard sometimes eg. to hear baby crying and consciously choose not to do anything and allow partner to find their own way.

Finally, I was ambivalent about the baby period, but I have loved every moment of it; even when I’ve felt frustrated/exhausted etc there’s been such a deep undercurrent of love and a strength I didn’t know I had.

I have several friends where parenting is equally shared.
The DFs in both cases stepped up early - in one my friend-worked a rolling Rota with nights/long days etc. after RTW at 6months and her DH had to step up (but even with out that I think he would. She is from a full time nanny/see mummy & daddy once a day background. He isn’t!!)

The other family did shared parental leave.

As an outsider the Father has to want to do it and needs to be given space to learn to do it. I’ve watched some femal friends micromanage their husbands early childcare efforts, destroy their confidence leading to great reluctance to do more.
I’m talking about small things like not doing nappy changes/ bath time in the same way. Not big safety issues.

@Lockdownbear

Regarding going back to work 1 week after birth, I thought you had to have 2 weeks but haven't fact checked that.

I'm fairly sure it's 2 weeks for most jobs but 4 weeks for factory work.

The 4 weeks is one of the earliest bits of employment law going back over 100 years.

Op think carefully about what you want. Including the idea that your instincts may make you change your mind later. Also think carefully about what would happen should you split, would you only want to see your Kids every other weekend.

Sent myself on a search to check my facts the 4 week thing 1891 is when it became illegal to employ a woman in a factory within 4 weeks of birth. So 130 years ago.

I suggest you tell your husband that if you have children together, he must agree to split the maternity/paternity year with you, as in you will each take 6 months of it so the burden is equal. And going forward, you will both be sharing the childcare and home care drudgery (drop offs, pick ups, appointments, sick days, holiday cover, shopping, meals etc).

I think it needs to be an expectation and discussion to be had up front. And committed to.

I think we need smart women to have children and many may not want 100% domestic drudgery. I hope it becomes more common for women to think like you. Pick better partners and have clear boundaries.

Lots of women go back soon after kids. But you don't sound like you want to spend anytime with your baby. I loved maternity leave. They change so much over the first year and I can't imagine letting someone else(even my partner) look after them for 8hrs+ a day at such a young age.
Also parenting is relentless. And often the last thing I want to do when I get home from work is look after my kids and your partner will likely feel the same. What happens then?
Parenting will never be 50/50 all the time. Sometimes you'll have to pick up the slack when your partner is busy at work/family drama/sickness etc. And sometimes he'll have to do the same for you.
The idea that you can switch off being a parent for 50%of the time is a myth.
It really is a full time job on top of the one you already have.

I felt the same way as you. I went back to work full time after having DC. DH works full time. DH and I parent jointly. He is as capable as I am at meeting their needs (but he’s never made out he isn’t and I wouldn’t have put up with it if he had). We both have our own time to do our own stuff. It works out well.

I think the OP needs to be introduced to the word 'oxytocin'.

A baby can be looked after by any competent adult. YOUR baby, that you carried in your body and have a biological link to, might turn out to be a bit trickier to hand over for 8 hours a day than you think.

@Zarene

'Breastfeeding is the one thing that obviously your DH can't do. Five if you don't want to do it, but there are so many benefits for your baby that I would think carefully before deciding that I didn't want to try to give my baby those advantages.'

Honestly what a complete dick statement...

Mind your own about how people want to feed their babies

Oh and WRT breastfeeding, I want you to know that you combination feeding is absolutely an option from day one. I am still breastfeeding my 11 month old but we have given a bottle of formula daily since she was 2 weeks. This has increased as she’s entered regular childcare and we’ve slowly cut breastfeeds. No issues with supply or nipple confusion. She and I have both had all the benefits of breastfeeding but feeding her has never been my sole responsibility and I think that makes a huge difference to shared parenting.

I'm the main caregiver at the moment but when I finish maternity leave it will mainly fall to my partner. I work away for a month then have a month at home so for the month I'm away it will all fall to him and then I'll take over when I'm back so a nearly 50/50 split.

Why do you want to be like a man?

Because some people are defining "like a man" as "not being the primary caregiver."

[quote lookingforadvice21]@Zarene

'Breastfeeding is the one thing that obviously your DH can't do. Five if you don't want to do it, but there are so many benefits for your baby that I would think carefully before deciding that I didn't want to try to give my baby those advantages.'

Honestly what a complete dick statement...

Mind your own about how people want to feed their babies[/quote]
Zarene has magic milk, that makes magic children. Any formula fed baby is to be pitied.

@addler

In my NCT group there's two stay at home dads, it's something that is becoming more common so not a given that it has to be you. Have you spoken to DH about who would stay at home? Can both of you go to work and the baby goes to nursery/a childminder/has a nanny?

Stay at home dad isn't necessarily the primary parent. I know of two families where the father stayed at home, but it was still the mother the children wanted when ill.