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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want a hairdresser to massage my head?

182 replies

Whatamess582 · 03/09/2021 21:40

I go to the hair dresser to have my hair washed cut blowdried and occasionally coloured. By a trained professional.

I go to a trained masseuse for a massage

WHYYYYY does almost every hairdresser (or training assistant…. or whoever washes my hair) now have to massage my head, without asking, when they are conditioning my hair? And why is it up to me to say ‘please don’t’ when they start…. Or to preempt it when I don’t know for absolute certain that they are going to do it and feel really awkward? I really dislike telling people I don’t like what they are doing. Couldn’t they just ask?? Like opt in instead of opt out?

I dislike it so much. The sensation, the noise of my wet hair being massaged… urrrrgh! I don’t ask for it. I don’t think they are trained in it. It’s not pleasant in any way.

Am I the only one who thinks this?

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 04/09/2021 14:35

now I’m going to say it, offending them be damned

Honestly, no one can reasonably be offended if you ask politely, as in please, no head massage. Any decent hairdresser will want you to be comfortable and would want to know if you prefer no massage.

If you feel a tad awkward turning done their offer, you can take responsibility for your own preference with a smile and a can please, no massage.

Please don't go through your life putting up with things you don't want for the sake of expressing any opinion.

Original poster
Whatamess582 · 04/09/2021 14:36

@freeandfierce
Thanks for that. It’s interesting to know that. So I have really fine, and often falling hair. and someone running their fingers over my hair is really anxiety-inducing. Plus it’s almost never a massage that (IMO as a trained masseuse) would increase blood flow or cleanse (as it’s always done with a conditioner not a shampoo). It’s often half hearted and just sliding fingers over hair ineffectively. Not touching my scalp or barely, and I can hear the noise of wet hair being rubbed together. 😬 which to me is like nails on a chalk board. Usually they have done a lovely job of washing my hair…. With a good solid scalp scrub with fingers spread out over my skull and it’s lovely. But the actual massage is just off putting. That’s what I object to. Genuinely I have never (and I’ve been to all sorts of hair salons….. extremely high end and then the corner salon in my village (which was excellent!)) had a conditioning massage that I have gone ohhhhh yes that made my day! I have been to trained masseuses who have given me a head massage and felt like I had achieved Nirvana.
Hair salons are one place I lose the ability to speak up…. I have no idea why….. I will say no massage from now on.

OP posts:
twelvefiftynine · 04/09/2021 14:37

I hate it. My hairdresser knows and never does it. She's also super gentle with brushing and blow drying. I've had people that brushed my hair so hard I wanted to cry.

I would also pay to have my hair played with. It's amazing.

lockdownmadnessdotcom · 04/09/2021 14:58

In my experience they always ask. I like it, but one day I really didn't want it, so I just said so.

I find they don't do it for long enough.

But my biggest gripe is they never ever rinse your hair properly. I know they can see what they are doing, but they have water softeners, so there is more lather anyway and then they rush the rinse.

lockdownmadnessdotcom · 04/09/2021 14:59

@ClumpingBambooIsALie

Intimate ≠ sexually arousing Confused

I find it intimate because it's an intense physical sensation which provokes an emotional reaction, induced by a stranger touching me in a manner in which I'd normally only be touched by someone I had a close personal relationship with.

I know what you mean. I'd never want to have a male hairdresser.
ChargingBuck · 04/09/2021 15:04

I really dislike telling people I don’t like what they are doing.

Not many people enjoy doing that OP.
But it's a necessary part of being an adult.

Instead of focusing on randomly-applied head massage, you'd help yourself by giving some focus to the real source of discomfort - your disproportionate dislike of asking it to stop.

Some counselling, or this book, could help with that -
www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Catsrus · 04/09/2021 15:06

@namemybabyplease

YABU - it's the best part of the haircut and should last longer!
THIS!

I had a haircut in Canada about 20yrs ago which included a head massage - never experienced it before and it was wonderful! The following year I returned and headed straight back to the Mall for the same experience. There was the option of having a longer treatment with oils before the hair wash - bliss!

Love the fact that it's happening here now.

Surewhynot · 04/09/2021 15:31

I don’t mind the head massage, I just hate it when they push their wet, soapy fingers down the side of my face as they do it because it ruins my makeup.

Original poster
Whatamess582 · 04/09/2021 16:15

@SeenYourArse it’s not rude to assume that if someone gives you a head massage which is about as effective and relaxing as a wet fish being smeared all over your head.

Ok. If they are trained in it….. they either didn’t pass or the pass mark is pretty damn low.

OP posts:
takehomepay · 04/09/2021 16:17

@Surewhynot

I don’t mind the head massage, I just hate it when they push their wet, soapy fingers down the side of my face as they do it because it ruins my makeup.
Surely they’re just trying to get the lather off?

Seems pretty unavoidable?

You could wear one of those headbands to prevent the water going on your face.

ufucoffee · 04/09/2021 16:20

I love it but if I didn't I'd ask them to stop. It's not a big deal. I don't like hot water on my head and I always ask them to turn the temperature of the water down. That's not a big deal either.

RampantIvy · 04/09/2021 16:20

Or not wear make up to the hairdresser.

DawnAttwood · 04/09/2021 16:26

THIS. I hate it so much, and my lovely, lovely hairdresser always does it. I just don’t know how to graciously decline! Before Covid they also always offered a hand massage while I had the cut and I didn’t know how to refuse it! Thank god for for the pandemic which seems to have out paid to that…

Dentistlakes · 04/09/2021 16:30

I hate it as they are always far too rough, but they usually ask beforehand so I say no.

ChargingBuck · 04/09/2021 16:46

@DawnAttwood

THIS. I hate it so much, and my lovely, lovely hairdresser always does it. I just don’t know how to graciously decline! Before Covid they also always offered a hand massage while I had the cut and I didn’t know how to refuse it! Thank god for for the pandemic which seems to have out paid to that…
"Could I not have the head massage please?" should cover it nicely.
TheWayOfTheWorld · 04/09/2021 17:08

@namemybabyplease

YABU - it's the best part of the haircut and should last longer!
Absolutely this!
RampantIvy · 04/09/2021 17:11

Why do people find it difficult to ask whoever is washing their hair to not give them a head massage? It really isn't difficult, and it isn't rude to make this request.

ChargingBuck · 04/09/2021 17:14

@RampantIvy

Why do people find it difficult to ask whoever is washing their hair to not give them a head massage? It really isn't difficult, and it isn't rude to make this request.
Exactly. Stating your needs & wishes is a life skill.

I can understand that people can find it hard for many reasons - but hope anyone suffering from this can at least take from this thread is that it's a skill that gets easier with practice.

The first time may be nerve-wracking, but then it's done.
And then you have all the benefit of someone agreeing to meet your needs or wishes, so the lesson just keeps reinforcing itself.

AutumnBlu · 04/09/2021 17:18

How do you clean your scalp? I thought this was what they were doing?!

sbhydrogen · 04/09/2021 17:20

I thought 100% of people would be disagreeing with you ! I am shocked to discover that so many people do not like a head massage.

It's my favourite part of the hairdressing experience 😜

Datsandcogs · 04/09/2021 17:25

YABU. Love it!

FinallyHere · 04/09/2021 17:49

just don’t know how to graciously decline

Catch eye, smile, no thank you.

MarshaBradyo · 04/09/2021 17:51

I say before they start. So at least it’s clear it’s not them particularly

FinallyHere · 04/09/2021 17:53

If you honestly struggle with expressing your preferences, please, start now and keep doing it til its second nature.

Somehow, somewhere, you have got the idea that you have to put up with things you don't like. You really don't.

Sometimes, it's absolutely right to do something that you don't want to do, if a child needs your urgent attention.

Mostly though.. it's up to you.

The more you do it, the clearer it will become to you that this is a good thing, one of the good things about #adulting.

AngryAngel · 04/09/2021 18:50

Every hairdresser I have ever had asks if I want it in a singsong dreamy voice that makes me worry that they are not even listening to my answer. It's a resounding no from me.

If they did it without asking, I would ask them to stop. Not that it has ever happened. Thank goodness.