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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

lettuce for fifth birthday

325 replies

Franklyfrost · 03/09/2021 20:29

I asked my partner to pay for and pick up some party food for ds 5th birthday and gave him a list on his phone. He calls me from the supermarket to ask what to buy and I end up reading out the list and adding it all to the online shop and buying it myself to save him from carrying it home. I do this nicely. After reminding him about the list on his phone. He doesn't thank me. We agree he should pick up cake ingredients to save me looking up the recipe.

I'm at home looking after four kids under 11 this week, and he asks me if I've done all my work. He's asked me this every day this week and I've told him every day that I can't do my (academic) work while looking after four children, plus doing house work and cooking. I got annoyed today and said that him asking me makes me feel like I'm failing and I've explained to him it's impossible.

So he's come home with four, brown at the bottom, reduced because the best before date is today, gem lettuces from Tescos. For the party on Sunday. He has to go put again now because he's forgotten to buy the cake ingredients. I can't mention to hime that it's a very weird thing to buy for a fifth birthday party as he would be very offended and I'd be a terrible nag. He's no health freak and they weren't on the list. AIBU to think he's losing the plot?

OP posts:

Goldbar · 03/09/2021 22:01

Look, this may be meant to be funny but the part I'm picking up on (and which is making me feel stressed just reading it) is that you're looking after 4 young children, cooking, cleaning, trying to plan a party AND trying to do your own academic work. And he can't even pick up some fucking party food. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! You matter. Your health matters. Your sanity matters.

If there is no way round the work and childcare at the same time, he needs to be doing his share of the cooking and housework and taking over from you the minute he steps through the door so you can go and work quietly in peace in the evening.

WizardOfAus · 03/09/2021 22:05

@Goldbar

Amen. Not sure why anyone would think this is funny?

WhatMattersMost · 03/09/2021 22:05

I'm not laughing at all.

StrawberrySquash · 03/09/2021 22:10

Konitor and Cook do a recipe where they use a cabbage leaf as a mould and decorate a cake with chocolate cabbage leaves. Maybe you should do a variation on that?

Feedingthebirds1 · 03/09/2021 22:12

He’s not thick. I don’t think he’s bad either.

He might not be bad, but he's not sounding too good either. He's:

Nagging you about your academic work, ignoring that you have four DCs to look after.

Can't cope with a shopping list you've given him on his phone, so you have to do an online order.

'Forgets' the cake ingredients but buys lettuce. Possibly because it was the most random thing he could think of to make sure you didn't ask him again.

Nah, he's not coming out of this well.

mrsfollowill · 03/09/2021 22:15

When I worked in an office (until covid) I sat on a pod of 6 desks and the 3 blokes there all admitted to Strategic incompetence. Twats. It made sure they were not bothered by these type of requests- to be an adult and share the load with their partner.

Annasgirl · 03/09/2021 22:16

@Soupsseason

Is there more going on here?. Sounds like this is the tip of the iceberg

NewlyGranny · 03/09/2021 22:17

He sounds a real little gem! When is it his birthday? I hope there's time for you to find lots of lettuce-based recipes for his special meal...

thelastgoldeneagle · 03/09/2021 22:29

The worst thing is that I can't laugh about it with him because HE IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

He sounds like a horrible gaslighting twat.

CanofCant · 03/09/2021 22:31

I couldn't be arsed with this. Sounds like very draining and tiresome behaviour.

Yogsgirl · 03/09/2021 22:31

WTF do you mean 'you can't mention it to him' ? DP didn't buy what was on the list and bough four lettuces that were out of date instead! What a dick-head! Why do women put up with this shit! ?

KaycePollard · 03/09/2021 22:32

I swing between feeling gaslit and thinking he's a lovely sensitive soul

Is this really meant to be a light-hearted thread!. Your DH sounds nasty and borderline controlling to me. Nagging you about not doing your work, but clearly not deigning to do his share …

HHSchultz · 03/09/2021 22:32

Come on, how could you not be really annoyed with something like this. It's taking the absolute piss. Do yourself a favour and let the Rose tinted glasses come off!

MilesOfSand · 03/09/2021 22:33

Is he like this often? Forgetting things?

Cocossponsor · 03/09/2021 22:34

I agree with the strategic incompetence. I understand that you meant this thread to be lighthearted but I think you know deep down something is very wrong.

AnneElliott · 03/09/2021 22:36

You need to make him feel the consequences of his actions- so he has to sort party food. Don't take it over or in any way make it easier for him.

I've learned e hard way that doing that only encourages further incompetence. Definitely put him in charge of stuff that MIL cares about. It's one of the ways I've managed the issue - as she has no hesitation in going nuclear if he ducks up or forgets something she's involved with.

whynotwhatknot · 03/09/2021 22:38

You admit youself you somtimes feel gaslighed

thats nit really lighthearted

SirVixofVixHall · 03/09/2021 22:40

@Milkbottlelegs

He’s not lost the plot at all. He’s making sure you never ask him to get things from the shop again.

This.

Backtoblack1 · 03/09/2021 22:49

Omg throw the lettuce at him!!!

Lesina · 03/09/2021 22:50

Sorry. I am confused. Does he not know how 5 year olds work? If he has seriously bought lettuce for a child’s party he his a twat of the highest order. Once you have gone back to Tesco to buy proper party food, kick the cunt out.

miltonj · 03/09/2021 22:52

Urgh he sounds useless and unappealing

Enough4me · 03/09/2021 22:55

People often cannot see the truth until they are ready for it. I recall telling my friends about exH always being right but doing horrible and selfish things, but when they told me that wasn't acceptable behaviour I couldn't take that in and defended him.

OP, believe he's great and go along with him always being right if you need to for now, but what about the other voice in your head that knows this is wrong?

Hellotoallmyfans · 03/09/2021 22:56

It's called strategic incompetence OP - there is a plethora of information about it out there (99% of this behaviour is performed by men - its scientifically proven)

LTB. It will get worse.

After 20 years with dh I do everything - everything domesticated/child related because if I don't we won't eat/have clean clothes/will live in a shithole. He can't be bothered learning how to work the dishwasher/washer/dryer. If he had to cook it'd be pasta or takeout every night.

He earns the money - I do everything else.

Does that make me feel good? No. But it's just the way it is and I'm used to it.

They don't think of others bc they've never had to. They move from their mothers looking after them to a wife looking after them. Sexist twats who think that everything child/house related is a woman's work. That's the bottom line.

sorry to project and rant but I've had enough of my own dh tonight and ive drank a bottle of wine

Enough4me · 03/09/2021 23:00

@Hellotoallmyfans do you have a short or long term plan as now you can see the truth, do you really want to accept it forever?

FrauleinF · 03/09/2021 23:02

he sounds like a little gem
tip of the iceberg
it's not rocket science

Dying here 😆 Romaine in control, OP...

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