Does anyone have a book recommendation for my partner? I think he’d read it, so long as it’s not called ‘How to stop being called a total dick by mumsnet’
It's all so qualified, isn't it?
A book he can read as long as it doesn't confront him with the truth about himself.
'He's nice with the children except when he isn't, and the times he hasn't been nice I have spoken to him about it, so he knows I'm serious about it, and he has felt bad - until he does it again'
You will always be in the position of chasing him down to explain to him what civilised behaviour around children looks like.
You are playing with words here - using phrases like 'he's not a monster' to defend behaviour that is unacceptable.
You do not have to balance behaviour against circumstances.
You have to balance behaviour against expectations.
You have to balance behaviour against what other people do in the same circumstances, and you have to look objectively at the effect of that behaviour. What effect does it have on you? Does it prevent you from rocking the boat? What about the effect on the children? Would you like a teacher to become aware of it? A social worker?
Nobody is perfect - this is another word game of yours - but that doesn't mean anyone stops making a huge effort to NOT mistreat a child in the house of his own mother. The reason a man mistreats a child under his mother's roof is to find out what he can get away with, to test the extent of his own power and to assess the weakness of the mother.
We’re in an odd situation where I’m studying at home to try and get back to work after the kids (two of which are biologically his and the two older kids were 2 & 4 when he moved in). I’ve always paid food bills for all of us and we live in my house (I inherited some money) dp pays utilities and half of the younger kids stuff like school bags etc. He pays extra hours at nursery for me to work, which is a big deal on his wage. As the study picks up- next year I’ll be on site, the year after on placement- we are going to have to adjust. I feel okay asking him to help as I pay for me and my older kids and some of him and the younger kids, besides I was at home looking after his babies too. But it’s a tricky situation and I have to navigate it.
My partners relationship model is ‘I ask you for nothing and you ask me for nothing’
What part of that ^^ makes you believe this cocklodger asks for nothing?
He is living in YOUR HOUSE - and he kicks up a stink when your hairdryer is in what he calls 'his' half of the room you share in YOUR HOUSE. He takes over YOUR HOUSE and boots you out so he can make a fucking cake in peace, and then upsets your plans to see friends because he decided to go out for the evening, leaving you cooling your heels in YOUR HOUSE.
He leaves you to take care of four children and do all the housework all day and comes home to mock you about your work, mistreats YOUR CHILDREN in YOUR HOUSE, in which you pay the bills, and you expect that he will 'adjust' next year when you are on site and have your placement for your studies?
Snap out of it. He complains to his mates about your studies, and he is going to sabotage you at every turn. Why would the prospect of you having a career and being able to support yourself and the four children be one he welcomes? He is living in YOUR HOUSE, for free, fgs.
He is playing with you here, trying to see if there is anything he says, any low insult, that causes you to show the smallest piece of backbone:
Last fight was because I said I’d like to spend some time with him as a couple- like have a cup of tea together once the kids are in bed- he said no, he spent enough time with me and had no interest in me as a person. Then he says I mustn’t hold onto the things he says but also that I mustn’t infer anything from his behaviour and only pay attention to what he says.
You are right that change is hard, but you need to pull up your big girl knickers and give this horrible man the boot.
Stop future-faking yourself.
Don't force the children to put up with this, and don't ascribe to them your own fear.