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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

lettuce for fifth birthday

325 replies

Franklyfrost · 03/09/2021 20:29

I asked my partner to pay for and pick up some party food for ds 5th birthday and gave him a list on his phone. He calls me from the supermarket to ask what to buy and I end up reading out the list and adding it all to the online shop and buying it myself to save him from carrying it home. I do this nicely. After reminding him about the list on his phone. He doesn't thank me. We agree he should pick up cake ingredients to save me looking up the recipe.

I'm at home looking after four kids under 11 this week, and he asks me if I've done all my work. He's asked me this every day this week and I've told him every day that I can't do my (academic) work while looking after four children, plus doing house work and cooking. I got annoyed today and said that him asking me makes me feel like I'm failing and I've explained to him it's impossible.

So he's come home with four, brown at the bottom, reduced because the best before date is today, gem lettuces from Tescos. For the party on Sunday. He has to go put again now because he's forgotten to buy the cake ingredients. I can't mention to hime that it's a very weird thing to buy for a fifth birthday party as he would be very offended and I'd be a terrible nag. He's no health freak and they weren't on the list. AIBU to think he's losing the plot?

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 03/09/2021 21:25

Funny how it is always the sensitive souls who are easily offended when called on On Their Shitty Behaviour Hmm.

Stop falling for it!

Original poster
Franklyfrost · 03/09/2021 21:25

@Pumpkinstace
I thought this was going to be asking if a lettuce was an odd present for a 5 Yr old that loves lettuce.
no the boy wants pringles

@MrsSkylerWhite
Seriously impressed that your birthday boy likes lettuce grin
he doesn't

@cookingisoverrated
He sounds like a gaslighting jackass. What do you see in him?
well, I don't know but
@EmbarrassingAdmissions
It's known as strategic incompetence.

So I don't know. It seems almost too odd to be done on purpose. Four lettuces that will be mush by Sunday? Strategic incompetence would be buying chilli crisps and saying you hadn't noticed the flames on the packet. This is... I don't know.

@Globaluser
Did you ask him "why the fuck did you buy lettuce instead of cake ingredients?" What did he say when he presented them to you?

I saw them and asked why he'd bought them (he's never bought lettuce before, it's a lot of lettuce and there was already one in the fridge so I assumed there was a reason- might have done it for a recipe).

OP posts:
Original poster
Franklyfrost · 03/09/2021 21:27

@SunshineCake

Funny how it is always the sensitive souls who are easily offended when called on On Their Shitty Behaviour hmm.

Yeah, but I might be a sensitive shit too.

OP posts:
Corneliusmurphy · 03/09/2021 21:28

Was it the yellow labels temptation? Dp is terrible for buying reduced stuff - it’s not saving money if it’s not going to get used 🙄🙄

toomuchlaundry · 03/09/2021 21:29

So has he got the cake ingredients now?

goodwinter · 03/09/2021 21:29

[quote Franklyfrost]@Pumpkinstace
I thought this was going to be asking if a lettuce was an odd present for a 5 Yr old that loves lettuce.
no the boy wants pringles

@MrsSkylerWhite
Seriously impressed that your birthday boy likes lettuce grin
he doesn't

@cookingisoverrated
He sounds like a gaslighting jackass. What do you see in him?
well, I don't know but
@EmbarrassingAdmissions
It's known as strategic incompetence.

So I don't know. It seems almost too odd to be done on purpose. Four lettuces that will be mush by Sunday? Strategic incompetence would be buying chilli crisps and saying you hadn't noticed the flames on the packet. This is... I don't know.

@Globaluser
Did you ask him "why the fuck did you buy lettuce instead of cake ingredients?" What did he say when he presented them to you?

I saw them and asked why he'd bought them (he's never bought lettuce before, it's a lot of lettuce and there was already one in the fridge so I assumed there was a reason- might have done it for a recipe).[/quote]
Ok, and how did he respond?

Corneliusmurphy · 03/09/2021 21:30

Oh but I did used to bribe ds to eat his chicken by promising him extra lettuce 😂 that is probably just him though.

whynotwhatknot · 03/09/2021 21:30

How is she sensitve he got fucking lettuce instead of cake

Enough4me · 03/09/2021 21:32

It is strategic incompetence designed to stop you making reasonable requests.

He's always right to make sure you are always wrong.

He asks you about your academic work every day to show you have failed every day.

Do you ever question your sanity? In a similar situation over many years I did.

Marcipex · 03/09/2021 21:35

What @Milkbottlelegs said.

So send him again. He’s a bit of a dick, isn’t he.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 03/09/2021 21:37

Has LTB gone out of fashion?

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 03/09/2021 21:37

Oh, it’s the good old “break the best jug and I’ll never be asked to wash up again” trick. I first witnessed this about 50 years ago. It never wears out …

Graphista · 03/09/2021 21:38

Strategic incompetence

He's basically in a huff, probably because he's "had to do women's work" and so he's done it badly - consciously or subconsciously- so that you never ask him to do such a task again.

Do not fall for it. Make him do it and do it right. His time and effort is no more precious than yours

because HE IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

My ex is like this! Nip that in the bud ASAP

Ninkanink · 03/09/2021 21:38

Ugh. These threads are so depressing. How do these men manage to be so utterly useless and still have women bending over backwards to make allowances? I’d lose all respect and wouldn’t be able to muster even the most cursory attraction to him.

FAQs · 03/09/2021 21:39

Jesus I hope I’ve bought my daughter up not to put up with or accept this type of crap.

Cuddlyrottweiler · 03/09/2021 21:39

When it comes to getting the stuff ready for the birthday say to him "you do the lettuce, I'll do the sandwiches." Let him work put how he's going to present loads of wilted lettuces and just let him put a bowl out or whatever.

WeBuiltThisCityOnSausageRolls · 03/09/2021 21:39

But he's not right.

Nobody buys lettuces for a child's party. Nor yellow label lettuces that will be mouldy by Sunday party? No toddler eats lettuces .. let alone brown mouldy ones

Your DP is doing strategic incompetence

And needs to go back to the shops to buy party rings, a cake, crisps, sausage rolls , bread jam, ham , (not outdated) cucumber and carrots (he will then peel and cut up) and maybe hummus, quiches, mini scotch eggs, maybe some chicken nuggets for the oven and a plain cheese pizza to cut up into little pieces, and all the normal things that adults buy for child parties.

Unless you married a toddler , your DP is perfectly capable of picking out party food. It's hardly rocket science and not like you were given as a new mum a handbook during labour of what to do when you are a parent that lists out party foods!

What an absolute idiot.

Soupsseason · 03/09/2021 21:42

Is there more going on here?. Sounds like this is the tip of the iceberg Wine

Original poster
Franklyfrost · 03/09/2021 21:42

Ok, and how did he respond?

He got confused because I was on the phone to him. He said I’d wanted salad bits by which he meant I’d written ‘carrots’ and ‘cucumber’ on the list for the mandatory carrot/cucumber sticks. But I’d added those things to the online shop.
It makes no sense. He’s not thick. I don’t think he’s bad either.

OP posts:
DameFanny · 03/09/2021 21:42

You're looking after his children as well as your own aren't you? And he's not giving your any time to do your own work?

Soupsseason · 03/09/2021 21:43

Sorry couldn't resist 🤣

Thatsplentyjack · 03/09/2021 21:46

@goodwinter

Did you ask him "why the fuck did you buy lettuce instead of cake ingredients?" What did he say when he presented them to you?
Exactly what I was going to ask. What the fuck OP? You are actually pandering to this shit. Why would you not say "eh what the fuck are you going to do with them then?"
Original poster
Franklyfrost · 03/09/2021 21:47

@Cuddlyrottweiler
When it comes to getting the stuff ready for the birthday say to him "you do the lettuce, I'll do the sandwiches." Let him work put how he's going to present loads of wilted lettuces and just let him put a bowl out or whatever.

Yeah I think this is what I’ll do. Hopefully he’ll see the light. It’s not a big deal. It’s just baffling.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/09/2021 21:49

@Franklyfrost

Ok, and how did he respond?

He got confused because I was on the phone to him. He said I’d wanted salad bits by which he meant I’d written ‘carrots’ and ‘cucumber’ on the list for the mandatory carrot/cucumber sticks. But I’d added those things to the online shop.
It makes no sense. He’s not thick. I don’t think he’s bad either.

But if he's not thick, and saw your note re carrots etc, why did he possibly think people would want to have some lettuce at a kids party? So isn't it more likely he's being a dick / strategic incompetence / simply doesn't give a fuck enough about his kid to do a decent job?

Him asking if you got your work done when you've got so much on your plate is such a dick move too! Again he's either that oblivious and thick he doesn't realise what a stupid question that is or he's being a dick.

That combined with him not being able to ever admit he's wrong just sounds like he's a dick tbh! Not a nice bloke.

Original poster
Franklyfrost · 03/09/2021 21:50

@WeBuiltThisCityOnSausageRolls

It's hardly rocket science and not like you were given as a new mum a handbook during labour of what to do when you are a parent that lists out party foods!

Eh? The midwife wouldn’t let my babies come out until I knew how many french fancies you need per head for birthday parties ages 1-10.

OP posts: