lettuce for fifth birthday

[Franklyfrost]

I asked my partner to pay for and pick up some party food for ds 5th birthday and gave him a list on his phone. He calls me from the supermarket to ask what to buy and I end up reading out the list and adding it all to the online shop and buying it myself to save him from carrying it home. I do this nicely. After reminding him about the list on his phone. He doesn't thank me. We agree he should pick up cake ingredients to save me looking up the recipe.

I'm at home looking after four kids under 11 this week, and he asks me if I've done all my work. He's asked me this every day this week and I've told him every day that I can't do my (academic) work while looking after four children, plus doing house work and cooking. I got annoyed today and said that him asking me makes me feel like I'm failing and I've explained to him it's impossible.

So he's come home with four, brown at the bottom, reduced because the best before date is today, gem lettuces from Tescos. For the party on Sunday. He has to go put again now because he's forgotten to buy the cake ingredients. I can't mention to hime that it's a very weird thing to buy for a fifth birthday party as he would be very offended and I'd be a terrible nag. He's no health freak and they weren't on the list. AIBU to think he's losing the plot?

OP, have you considered that your DH's behaviour - what he does and doesn't do; what he expects of you - could be perceived as repeatedly dumping a lorryload of sand against the academic door to greater fulfilment, earning power and status that you're trying to push open?

Consider whether all his carry-on is at some level designed to keep you where he wants you and that when he asks how the academic work is going, he's checking to see if his tactics are working, not merely rubbing your nose in your own frustration.

If it's not intentional and he truly wants you to succeed, he will step up and commit to freeing you from childcare and domestic chores for meaningful chunks of time - half a day is good - on a regular basis. And he will deliver reliably. If he won't commit or finds reasons to cancel or interrupt, it's reasonable to recognise it as sabotage.

Oh this is one of those depressing threads where male disrespect and laziness is meant to be lighthearted and amusing

Yep, soooo funny

I'll step onto my feminist soapbox here and say that we need to stop laughing off this kind of behaviour; finding it endearing and patting the head of our silly men who can't work out how to go to the supermarket

In my experience women like this won’t change, so of course the DH won’t change. You get what you are willing to put up with in unfortunately.

You could duly serve up the lettuce at the 5yo’s birthday and make a point of everyone pausing to say grace beginning with the words “Lettuce Pray”

On the face of it seems humorous to visualise OP but as previous posters have said if it’s against a backdrop of sabotaging you then absolutely I would re evaluate the relationship. I think it’s great having 4 kids and then academic work on top. I think anyone who does that is not afraid to challenge and better themselves - expand their horizons etc

Are they his children? Or is he a new partner who's only moved in within the last year or so, because you just don't get as far as being the parent of an 11 YO or even the younger one(s) without having sufficient practice at grocery shopping or children's party catering to know how to follow a shopping list or what sort of food to do for a 5 YO birthday party.

If this was a work task, I'd expect a school leaver to master it in under a week, given the amount of guidance he's had.

@LuckyAmy1986 or an otherwise good man and an otherwise good relationship does something strange/human mistake and we laugh about it instead of assuming the worst in everybody?

@Soupsseason

Is there more going on here?. Sounds like this is the tip of the iceberg

😂😂 that was was a gem.

@Eralos does he sound like a good man and this is a good relationship from what the OP has said then?

Agree with a poster above. If this had been a task set in The Apprentice it would be “You’re Fired”

Really so many men are just plain stupid when it comes to using their own sense about normal everyday things - sent my ex for a gift bag for a bottle of wine and he came back with the Sainsbo bag that holds 6 bottles of wine 🙄 . He thought it was OK . This is the problem - they don't think and just go for whatever they see.

Maybe he wanted to have a "honeymoon sandwich " to show his love for OP ? Lettuce alone ....

Why has he gone out again? You should have left him with 4 kids and gone to have a restful shopping trip at the supermarket esp at this time of the night. Also stop by McD for a nice hot drink and apple pie on the way back. Buy a ready made cake and a toy your child likes from the supermarket, stick it on. Win.

This was a great suggestion, however it still makes light of quite a grim reality.

Really so many men are just plain stupid when it comes to using their own sense about normal everyday things - sent my ex for a gift bag for a bottle of wine and he came back with the Sainsbo bag that holds 6 bottles of wine 🙄 . He thought it was OK . This is the problem - they don't think and just go for whatever they see.

Stop this, so much enabling of men who are equally capable but, let's face it, just don't want to do so as such women's work is beneath them. The situation has been presented in a lighthearted way but there is nothing funny really about that level of incompetence. I assume this man functions well in his job and doesn't make such ridiculous mistakes such as being unable to follow a very simple list. OP is trying to see the funny side atm as it's easier than the alternative but that will wear thin eventually.

I don’t know why you helped out the first time with the ridiculous ‘can’t buy the items on the list my partner sent to my own phone’. Jesus.

The lettuce is sort of irrelevant, isn’t it?

Twice you’ve asked him to shop for your DC’s birthday. Twice he’s utterly failed.

Perhaps there is something fundamentally wrong with him. I’d be enquiring - and fuck him being ‘sensitive’. I expect your 5-year-old would be pretty sensitive if he didn’t get a birthday cake or a party tea that’s been promised.

Can you wrap them and use as pass the parcel?

@MrsMaizel

Really so many men are just plain stupid when it comes to using their own sense about normal everyday things - sent my ex for a gift bag for a bottle of wine and he came back with the Sainsbo bag that holds 6 bottles of wine 🙄 . He thought it was OK . This is the problem - they don't think and just go for whatever they see.

But there's no biological reason for men to be incapable of shopping, cleaning, laundry etc, it's just that some don't put any effort in to things they don't care about or know that if they don't bother, a woman will do it for them.

If there was a biological reason why men were unable to do basic routine tasks, they wouldn't get anywhere at work would they?

Completely agree with the pp calling strategic incompetence.

And he was supposed to pay for the party food shop, but you ended up paying, OP?
All he’s paid for so far is a reduced price lettuce?

Does he do childcare?
Are all the DC his/yours & his?

[quote Franklyfrost]@SunshineCake

Funny how it is always the sensitive souls who are easily offended when called on On Their Shitty Behaviour hmm.

Yeah, but I might be a sensitive shit too.[/quote]
Do you think you are ?

[quote Franklyfrost]@WeBuiltThisCityOnSausageRolls

It's hardly rocket science and not like you were given as a new mum a handbook during labour of what to do when you are a parent that lists out party foods!

Eh? The midwife wouldn’t let my babies come out until I knew how many french fancies you need per head for birthday parties ages 1-10.[/quote]
This made me actually laugh out loud! Thanks

This behaviour is bonkers. I think if he copes in day to day life and at work this is strategic incompetentce. I do wonder when we talk about this if it is as conscious and deliberate as we imagine though, not that makes it any better. But I wonder if it's more he couldn't be fucked with the list so just thought lettuce = salad bits.so how does he normally manage dady to day?

I like the idea of telling him to crack on with the lettuce when doing party prep.

Also the thing with the work is odd. Did you tell him what you said in your post after the first or second time he asked? Why would he keep asking? I also wonder what experience he has of looking after all of them alone. As I'm not even a parent but know I'd be lucky to get much work done with 4 children under 11 under my supervision. Unless they are maybe very well behaved 10 year old quads!

He's a moron.

It’s a wilting relationship.

Weaponised incompetence at its finest....

The bit I’m struggling to understand is your response to this. If my husband came in with out of date lettuce for a party I would do as others have said. Wtf is this shit? Now get yourself back out and get the things we actually need. I am looking after four kids and cannot do everything. With another few swear words thrown in for good measure. I agree with others I think he is pretty much saying Fuck you with your list. Don’t give me jobs to do. This is your job.

Fuck that

@LuckyAmy1986 it’s impossible to tell from an isolated incident. The op hasn’t said there is anything else going on so I’m going to assume he is good.

Sheesh. I even got told to go on as spa day!

In my experience all humans are flawed and so I’m prepared to bide my time and be a bit forgiving.

We’re in an odd situation where I’m studying at home to try and get back to work after the kids (two of which are biologically his and the two older kids were 2 & 4 when he moved in). I’ve always paid food bills for all of us and we live in my house (I inherited some money) dp pays utilities and half of the younger kids stuff like school bags etc. He pays extra hours at nursery for me to work, which is a big deal on his wage. As the study picks up- next year I’ll be on site, the year after on placement- we are going to have to adjust. I feel okay asking him to help as I pay for me and my older kids and some of him and the younger kids, besides I was at home looking after his babies too. But it’s a tricky situation and I have to navigate it.

I’m not sure if LTB is the great feminist chant mumsnet seems to think it is. Maybe my expectations are too low or maybe all relationships are difficult sometimes. I have four children to look after and getting myself some qualifications so I can earn enough to pay for their childcare. If that needs to be done while prepping lettuces for a cake then that’s leaf.