lettuce for fifth birthday

[Franklyfrost]

I asked my partner to pay for and pick up some party food for ds 5th birthday and gave him a list on his phone. He calls me from the supermarket to ask what to buy and I end up reading out the list and adding it all to the online shop and buying it myself to save him from carrying it home. I do this nicely. After reminding him about the list on his phone. He doesn't thank me. We agree he should pick up cake ingredients to save me looking up the recipe.

I'm at home looking after four kids under 11 this week, and he asks me if I've done all my work. He's asked me this every day this week and I've told him every day that I can't do my (academic) work while looking after four children, plus doing house work and cooking. I got annoyed today and said that him asking me makes me feel like I'm failing and I've explained to him it's impossible.

So he's come home with four, brown at the bottom, reduced because the best before date is today, gem lettuces from Tescos. For the party on Sunday. He has to go put again now because he's forgotten to buy the cake ingredients. I can't mention to hime that it's a very weird thing to buy for a fifth birthday party as he would be very offended and I'd be a terrible nag. He's no health freak and they weren't on the list. AIBU to think he's losing the plot?

How did your friends respond, when you told them (when, today?) that tonight was cancelled, so to call off all their own plans, as your DP had decided to go out with his friends instead?

Surely they were annoyed and concerned?

I bet you lied to them, in an attempt to avoid any unexpected visits, or concerned phone calls that your controller might overhear. Did you? Though, you could have talked to them this evening, while he was out. Did you?

@Horehound

he’s not nice to my kids, grabs them and drags them

Right, I've had enough. We've told you he is mistreating you. But now you tell us he grabs and drags your kids...what the hell are you doing. You need to get him away from you all.

Totally agree @Horehound especially with the ds having sen issues notably attachment issues. My gs has attachment issues due to an abusive father. He is doing amazing now he has stability and safety in his life. Please for the sake of your children take the advice on here before it's too late

There is no chance he would be honest if he posted on dadsnet. ‘She’s trying to study while at home all day with 4 children so I ask her how much she got done every night and she gets upset. I don’t make sure I take over when I get home so she can study. When she asks me to do the shopping, I take her time up on the phone complaining then I fail to get a single item from her list but I do get a few other things she doesn’t want, just to show her who’s boss. I do cook sometimes but only if everyone else has left the house so I can concentrate. I’m not nice to her.’ Whatever, like he’d say that. So the responses would be based on whatever fake image he fed them.

OP, you are so fogged up by his ongoing abuse of you (and of your children) that you can't tell which way is up anymore.

If you don't end this relationship ASAP, you will end up a hollow shell of the person you should be.

Your might also find that your son's behaviour improves when this nast, violent, lazy wanker is out of his life.

Please find the courage to chuck the guy out. Your life will start improving straight away.

You deserve better, and so do your children!

I think OP is looking for someone to say he sounds a good guy. Just compromise a bit more and be kind. If I had a child, sen or not and this tosser laid his hands on him he would be out the door. I wouldn’t be compromising with him and being kind. What does that look like exactly? Can you only shove and drag him a little bit?

There’s a bit of me actually thinking this isn’t real and the whole bizarre lettuce gate was made up as we have been getting drip fed since the beginning. I’m going to focus on lettuce instead of party food because that’s actually quite funny really. But scratch a little seeped. My kids are being abused by this guy, as am I but I think if I’m a little kinder and compromise a bit more for at least five years it will all work out OK.

I also notice that OP has been asked a number of questions that she has avoid answering. Is there an age gap? Do you have any people in RL you can discuss with? Financially what does he contribute? Did you get an inheritance? What did you been about being told off about a hairdresser being on his side of the room.

It’s all a big strange. I do truly hope if there’s an ounce of truth in this that you take on board the advice given about this guy particularly his treatment of your children as I see you are down playing that. If he drags and shoves your son a little (not sure how you actually do this a little) when you are there please be clear it will be much worse when you’re not. The I’m gibing him five years for us to work on our relationship is ridiculous. Imagine the damage he could do you and your children in five years. Pack his bag. Get the locks changes. Report him to the police. Tell everyone in RL that he mistreats the children. I actually woke up this morning thinking about this fucker

Well this took a turn-i believe you are relealsing what hes actually like op after all the lettuce jokes it turns out hes absuive and controlling

Yes I agree @whynotwhatknot

Oh God no I definitely didn't write it!
I hadn't read the full thread either, I thought it was light hearted about lettuce. I'm really sorry to read your updates and I hope you're ok

OP has answered a lot of those questions, at least partly @Orla1970

1. Four year age-gap

2. She has friends. They live far away. It's not clear whether she talks to them freely and openly. (I suspect not).

They were due to come over last night, as arranged months ago but she cancelled them because he decided to go out 'on a whim' - as any adult is free to do, so long as it's him and not her, according to her warped experience of partnership. (Obviously, to show her she is not the boss of him and cannot tell him to babysit for her and he will never do her a favour, ever, because that would make him look weak, compromise his total control and he is the big man and and the boss of the house and will always assert his right to do whatever he wants).

3. Utilities and something else - she states it early on.

4. Yes. She's spending much of it on keeping him, eroding her own and her DCs' longer-term financial security. (She does have an issue here, that she won't be eligible for the benefits many others would be, because of the capital. She needs to seek independent advice on this).

5. I think she meant hairdryer. He likes to set rules and tell her off for breaking them, to show her who's in charge.

So let’s get this straight. For the past 7 years:

1. Your arsehole boyfriend has lived in YOUR house rent-free.
2. You pay for all of his food.
3. You manage the household.
4. You look after the children mostly by yourself.
5. You cook.
6. You clean.

He has got himself a very good deal out if you. Him paying utilities, nursery for his children, and 50% of his children’s needs, in no way compares to all the benefit he’s had from you these past 7 years: free rent, free food, and a surrogate mummy to look after almost all adulting for him, so that he is free to do as he pleases. You have been a total doormat.

In return, he:

7. Pays zero towards your children, despite being their father figure since they were ages 2 and 4. This shows his resentment and lack of acceptance towards them.
8. He manhandles your children. If he’s happy to do this in front of you, he will almost certainly be outright abusing them when you’re not there.
9. He

@Copium

So let’s get this straight. For the past 7 years:

1. Your arsehole boyfriend has lived in YOUR house rent-free.
2. You pay for all of his food.
3. You manage the household.
4. You look after the children mostly by yourself.
5. You cook.
6. You clean.

He has got himself a very good deal out if you. Him paying utilities, nursery for his children, and 50% of his children’s needs, in no way compares to all the benefit he’s had from you these past 7 years: free rent, free food, and a surrogate mummy to look after almost all adulting for him, so that he is free to do as he pleases. You have been a total doormat.

In return, he:

7. Pays zero towards your children, despite being their father figure since they were ages 2 and 4. This shows his resentment and lack of acceptance towards them.

8. He manhandles your children. If he’s happy to do this in front of you, he will almost certainly be outright abusing them when you’re not there.

9. He

(Accidentally posted)

He resents you “telling him what to do”, aka making basic requests for him to contribute to parenting and your household. What a petulant overgrown man child.

He sabotages your studies

He sabotages your social life and friendships. Ensuring your are isolated and get no breaks.

He doesn’t even like you.

Your special needs son is miserable living with him. You blame your son for this.

Yes it really is that bad OP. You say it sounds bad written down: that’s because it is. Manhandling your children, freeloading off of you, and being cruel to you are always bad and there is NO “unique” circumstance that makes your relationship not like those other abusive relationships that other women have.

Dump him. You will save money on food and all your boyfriends other needs. he will have to pay you child maintenance, and will possibly have the youngest a couple of days a week. Further, you will be more entitled to help as a single mum, and your SEN son will be happier.

Stop being a mug and stop putting this abusive waste of space manchild ahead of your children. You can’t change him.

It’s concerning that your only worry seems to be what your precious boyfriend will think if he sees all of this truth written down on this thread.

OP, he needs to never put his hands on your DC again. I understand that you want to stay with him while you train, but your DCs best interests must come first...they can't leave him and need you to do it.

OP you mention your older child has attachment issues?

Were you in an abusive relationship in the past? As I know that's often a cause.

I really feel for you, you obviously feel trapped and your self esteem is so low you think this sort of treatment of ok ..

Btw if I wrote all the negatives about my partner it would say something like, can be grumpy occasionally and snores a bit. That's it.

@nanbread it's a good point to make, my exH was abusive and I couldn't even take in all the twisted things he'd do.

If I moan about my partner it's lighthearted as it's his snoring and forgetfulness

@Franklyfrost

Okay so he’s not nice to my kids, grabs them and drags them a tiny bit. This is awful written down. Dp does try. My eldest is very very hard work because of SEN and is getting support from NHS emotional health and well being who are referring him on for yet another attempt for a ASD diagnosis… he has complex needs including attachment issues and is very difficult to live with, for all of us. That sounds harsh but there’s no denying it. I love my eldest dearly but he is double the work of all the others put together. The dynamic between dp and the eldest is bad but I’m not sure it’s fair to blame dp for that as eldest finds all social interaction very very difficult.

Sometimes it feels okay with dp. And then sometimes it doesn’t. We’ll have a few weeks of us being alright and then it flips for a couple of weeks. I find it really difficult rebuilding our relationship so often. He says more and more hurtful things and I feel sadder and sadder. Last fight was because I said I’d like to spend some time with him as a couple- like have a cup of tea together once the kids are in bed- he said no, he spent enough time with me and had no interest in me as a person. Then he says I mustn’t hold onto the things he says but also that I mustn’t infer anything from his behaviour and only pay attention to what he says.

But, here’s the thing, surely it works both ways. I don’t think dp is happy with me either. I have no idea why we start fighting, dp says it’s me- that I find a problem. What if he’s right? I don’t think he is but I can’t see our relationship from the outside.

I wonder if everyone wrote down the negative aspects of their relationship would they all seem abusive? He does look after the kids sometimes for me to work, although before I started studying he wouldn’t look after them. It’s difficult to explain but I don’t think it’s as bad as it seems on paper. If I was reading this rather than typing it I’d think I was an idiot.

OP he sounded obviously nasty from your first post - he clearly leaves you to look after 4 kids, work hard, shop, cook, everything, while living rent free in your home, and I didn't find the lettuce story funny in any way. I'd have left him over that as he sounds like a lazy disrespectful person who adds nothing to your life and drags you down. I couldn't see how any poster found that lettuce thing funny.

But now I've read this update, wow. Just leave him, get him out the house. I feel really sorry for your kids. Kids come first and I'd bet he makes their life a complete misery.

Nobody's relationship is perfect but when most people write down the worst about their DP it'll be stuff like he works long hours and we don't get enough time together, or he chews loudly, or snores or something. Not that he makes the kids lives miserable, abuses you, treats you daily with utter disrespect, and scrounges off them.

I had a read of a thread about being late today. It’s full of ‘if anyone is late it’s because they’re an asshole who is deliberately disrespecting me’ etc etc. The same attitude, perhaps with better intentions, is guiding all these replies. If someone’s a bit late I don’t think it’s a big deal, we all struggle in our own ways. I don’t want to be paranoid and demanding, most people are trying the best they can. We’re not perfect. My partner could do better, it’s sad sometimes but that’s life. My children are loved, I’m studying to gain more independence and will order that book about being assertive. The fifth birthday went well and the lettuce is my heathy snack for today to compensate for yesterday’s Pringles.

ok so youre now minimising ikt all what does the being late thread have to do with you and your absuvie partner

If I’d said my partner is late people would reply that he’s an asshole for being late. Whereas I think someone can be late and it’s probably not them trying to insult me, it’s them struggling to keep time.

You are minimising and the other thread is a distraction.

He's abusing and he's isolated you.

His treatment of your children should be enough to leave. Never mind anything else.

So I'm guessing you did all the shopping for the party in the end op?

There's a difference between being late, which is somewhat thoughtless, and being a negative and abusive influence in your family's life and making them walk on eggshells around you for fear of pissing you off and provoking violence and aggression from you.

Please bear in mind that there is a big chance that your DC will model their future relationships on what they see at home as being acceptable ways to treat people and to be treated. If they see one parent not contributing, throwing their toys out of the pram, sulking and getting angry, and the other parent accepts this and placates them, what do you think they learn from this?

Sorry, I can’t romaine straight faced over this….

But this is not about being late, OP, and it's not about lettuce!

It is much more serious than that. I imagine that you are finding all the really harsh comments about your DP hard to take, but people have written them because you don't seem able or willing to see what his behaviour is really like.

You seem to think that your DP is at heart a decent guy who is trying is best but doesn't always get it right. Many posters are pointing out that his behaviour would suggest that this is not the case and he is actually not good for you or your children at all.

Please don't allow your kids (or you) to be shoved around, physically, or psychologically. I think you will all feel a lot happier, less stressed and more confident without him around.

Do try to get hold of Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. It might help you see things differently.

Good luck!

Do the people who are late, then move into your house, live off your inheritance and labour, cut you off form your friends, then drag your vulnerable child around?

No?

Not really comparable, is it.

Dp is keep to marry I bet he bloody is!! Dont marry anyone OP. I never understand why people with assets and even more so if they also have children from a previous relationship, marry anyone!