Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I tell bf about what he ate?

337 replies

troobleflooble · 03/09/2021 19:55

I'm in a new relationship and he is vegan. While I'm not, I understand and appreciate his viewpoint and want to be respectful of his choices so I've become quite thorough at checking labels on things to make sure they are suitable for him.

Was at his place recently and noticed he had something in his fridge I've never tasted before so I picked it up to have a look. Out of habit I checked the label and noticed that it isn't vegan, in fact it's not even vegetarian! I don't think he has realised as, while he isn't militant about it, I'm sure he wouldn't want to eat it if he knew. The jar was half empty so he has definitely been eating it.

I don't want to make him feel bad by pointing it out but if you were vegan would you want to know? Should I say anything?

OP posts:
WinTheNight · 03/09/2021 23:53

Someone who "wants" to be vegan but can't be bothered checking labels is an idiot.

Personally I check all labels. I don’t necessarily think someone is an idiot for not and assuming it’s vegan or being in a rush or maybe picked up the wrong jar or whatever. I’d still choose to be kind and tell him, I mean, he’s OPs boyfriend presumably she likes him and doesn’t think he’s an idiot.

DogsandCatsB4u · 03/09/2021 23:56

He knows
My friends did the same said they were vegan but there was honey and cheese in their cupboard

WinTheNight · 03/09/2021 23:59

He knows

Do you have inside knowledge? 🤣 What a load of shit.

TractorAndHeadphones · 04/09/2021 00:08

@DogsandCatsB4u

He knows My friends did the same said they were vegan but there was honey and cheese in their cupboard
DOn't have to rain on their parade - tell them they're not vegan but vegetarian :D
HelgaDownUnder · 04/09/2021 00:35

@FleasInMyKnees

Was it a fatball
No, one of those artisan Scotch eggs, obvi.
NoSquirrels · 04/09/2021 00:53

Don’t even step a toe into the territory of checking his diet. I mean - nah, c’mon. That’s his dietary restriction. Either he gives a shit to check the labels or he doesn’t.

Don’t be his mum.

VenusTiger · 04/09/2021 01:24

Weird.
His place.
His fridge.
His food.
Half eaten.
Are you his mom?
You're making it sound as though it's your fault for nosing on the ingredients.
Leave it well alone.
He's clearly not vegan or is trying to exempt himself.

Enough4me · 04/09/2021 01:32

I would try to make it a casual comment. Make a drink, 'notice' the kimchi and casually look at ingredients. Say something along the lines "oh, I was thinking about making some of this, but just noticed this one has shrimp in it and think I can make it without". Then you have been honest in a non "you aren't a vegan" way.

me4real · 04/09/2021 01:39

He's clearly not vegan or is trying to exempt himself.

@VenusTiger If someone was going to cheat at veganism, it wouldn't be by eating a brand of fermented vegetables that happened to have a small and unnoticeable spoonful of a fish ingredient to make it taste a bit saltier.

WinTheNight · 04/09/2021 01:40

People are making far too much of it. He’s your boyfriend, just tell him it’s not vegan and get on with the rest of the day. 🤷🏻‍♀️

WeirdArchitecture · 04/09/2021 02:17

weird attitudes to vegans in this thread, im not a vegan myself but the sniggering and smart-artiness remind me of a food version of the original working-class 'chip' Grin

"vegans are inherently pretentious'
"I don't relate to this so I must take the piss out of it"

BarbaraofSeville · 04/09/2021 03:47

Sounds to me like he's more interested in cachet of being a vegan without all the boring hard work of checking labels and sacrifice of not having certain foods.

If you're serious about veganism you can't assume that anything is vegan because there's always the chance of hidden dairy, egg or non vegetarian seasonings and sauces.

For the average performance neo vegan who says they are doing it 'for the planet' they should be content if most people massively cut down the amount of animal products they ate and just ate a diet that was mostly plant based with small amounts of animal products so demand was significantly reduced so intensive farming wasn't required but that would deny them the chance to stand out as being special, which would never do.

WinTheNight · 04/09/2021 03:53

Sounds to me like he's more interested in cachet of being a vegan without all the boring hard work of checking labels and sacrifice of not having certain foods.

I’m not sure how you get that from having one jar in a fridge. 🤷🏻‍♀️

ThanksItHasPockets · 04/09/2021 08:07

I was going to say that it doesn’t really matter because there is no such thing as the vegan police but as this thread demonstrates there really is, isn’t there?

minatrina · 04/09/2021 08:08

@BarbaraofSeville

Sounds to me like he's more interested in cachet of being a vegan without all the boring hard work of checking labels and sacrifice of not having certain foods.

If you're serious about veganism you can't assume that anything is vegan because there's always the chance of hidden dairy, egg or non vegetarian seasonings and sauces.

For the average performance neo vegan who says they are doing it 'for the planet' they should be content if most people massively cut down the amount of animal products they ate and just ate a diet that was mostly plant based with small amounts of animal products so demand was significantly reduced so intensive farming wasn't required but that would deny them the chance to stand out as being special, which would never do.

Christ alive, is the poor guy not allowed to make a mistake?! 🤣

I've been a vegan for a really long time, 10 years, and I was a vegetarian my whole life before that. Even as a lifelong veg who is pretty clued up, there are still things that trip me up!

My husband is veggie (not vegan) and me and my mum were shopping recently and I went to buy some yoghurt for him. I would never ever have thought twice before, but by chance I checked the packet and realised the yoghurt had gelatine in! Me and my mum thought that was so strange, until we checked the packaging of lots more yoghurts on the shelf and realised that actually, quite a few yoghurts contain gelatine. I don't know how this escaped my attention all those years as a veggie (obvs not had yoghurt in years since being vegan anyway) and my mum's attention as an omni who raised a veggie (me lol), but it did. It's easily done - if you've been a veggie/vegan for years, you get used to assuming certain things are a safe food!

Also, consider that recipes often change, he might have picked up the wrong jar by mistake (maybe the vegan kimchi brand has a similar packaging), all manner of other reasons - we're all only human!

OP, if the jar was empty I'd maybe consider not mentioning it as the damage is done. But since there's some left, I'd definitely tell him! Smile

Booknooks · 04/09/2021 08:15

I'm vegan and have been for a number of years, its odd how some people have such a weird attitude towards vegans when it doesn't affect them at all Confused

I'd mention it OP, I reckon you're right in that he has had it before and just assumed all of it was vegan. I always check labels now as some really weird stuff has animal products in, but when I started I was a bit naive and just assumed it would be more obvious.

BarbaraofSeville · 04/09/2021 08:20

Well he clearly doesn't put as much effort as the OP into checking his labels does he? A lot of Asian food has either fish sauce or shrimp paste in, it's a very standard ingredient, you'd need to look for one that's been deliberately made vegan for that not to be the case.

minatrina · 04/09/2021 08:21

@BarbaraofSeville maybe he had a bad day, maybe he has bad eyesight, maybe he's simply an idiot! Who knows! I don't get why you're so determined to be all high and mighty about it 🤣

NantesElephant · 04/09/2021 08:37

I would casually mention that a lot of traditional kimchi contains fish products.

Booknooks · 04/09/2021 08:38

@BarbaraofSeville

Well he clearly doesn't put as much effort as the OP into checking his labels does he? A lot of Asian food has either fish sauce or shrimp paste in, it's a very standard ingredient, you'd need to look for one that's been deliberately made vegan for that not to be the case.
He's probably had it before and just assumed, as plenty of people do. I don't think it's widely known that fish sauce makes its way into a lot of things, for example the curry sauce at the chippy here has it in, I wouldn't have known that if I hadn't asked.
ShingleBeach · 04/09/2021 09:24

Yeah, I would mention it in a low key way. Not the ‘hah!, you’re either vegan or you aren’t and I’ve caught you out’ way suggested early in the thread. But ‘I noticed the kimchi isn’t vegan, shall I show you how to make it?’

Harlequin1088 · 04/09/2021 09:24

I'd just point it out to him along the lines of "Oh hun, have they changed the ingredients on this? I don't think it's vegan anymore?"

Either it's a straight up mistake and he'll be grateful that you've pointed it out or he'll sheepishly admit that actually he doesn't eat vegan food ALL the time.

I once had a boyfriend who was an absolute militant vegan. Hates anyone who wasn't vegan, talked about veganism constantly, barely tolerated me because I was "only" vegetarian. Anyway, I started noticing Ginsters Cornish Pasty wrappers appearing in the wheelie bin. I mentioned it to him and he dismissed it as, "Oh I imagine a passerby has put their rubbish in our bin as they've been walking past". Ok, plausible, I guess.

Then one day, boyfriend took himself off to McDonald's while I was out at work, completely unaware that my student sister had just got a job there. She took great delight in leaning out of the drivethru window to hand him his Big Mac in a bag with a cheery, "Hiya X! Lovely to see you! Enjoy your meaty burger!"

Bloody dickhead 😂

BelendaCarlisle · 04/09/2021 09:33

I’m vegan but I still use leather products. However I’m vegan for environmental reasons and the leather products I use are ones that I owned prior to being vegan. It makes no sense environmentally to stop using them. I won’t buy more leather products though.

JingsMahBucket · 04/09/2021 09:45

@TractorAndHeadphones
There's no such thing as 'culturally vegan'. Only vegetarian , in which dairy (milk and cheese) play a huge part.

Tell that to a lot of people in India then.

TheRabbitStoleMyHat · 04/09/2021 09:50

You'd tell him with relish?

Like a chutney maybe?

Swipe left for the next trending thread