Do I tell bf about what he ate?

[troobleflooble]

I'm in a new relationship and he is vegan. While I'm not, I understand and appreciate his viewpoint and want to be respectful of his choices so I've become quite thorough at checking labels on things to make sure they are suitable for him.

Was at his place recently and noticed he had something in his fridge I've never tasted before so I picked it up to have a look. Out of habit I checked the label and noticed that it isn't vegan, in fact it's not even vegetarian! I don't think he has realised as, while he isn't militant about it, I'm sure he wouldn't want to eat it if he knew. The jar was half empty so he has definitely been eating it.

I don't want to make him feel bad by pointing it out but if you were vegan would you want to know? Should I say anything?

@JulieS1919

There is a huge variety of kimchi brands out there, a lot of them are vegan. As a vegan myself I buy /make kimchi all the time, absolutely love that stuff! It is quite possible that he really did not realise that it contains shrimp paste, because in my experience I've only come across vegan varieties in UK supermarkets, and it is only in specialised Korean shops that I can recall coming across the shrimp-added version. As yours is a new relationship, I would thread very carefully, you don't want to embarrass him by pointing out this faux-pas (assuming that it is indeed a faux-pas and not intentional). I'd come up with some casual convo scenario where you'd start discussing, say, Korean cuisine, and what recipes are /aren't suitable for vegans, then light-heartedly mention "oh, I didn't realise that the traditional Korean kimchi recipe contains shrimp paste" or something along those lines. Will give him an opportunity to register this information and then do with it what he choses, rather than bluntly pointing out the non-vegan item in his fridge.

Don't do that - just tell him.

@ChargingBuck

She's probably asking vegans whether they would rather know they have eaten fish to avoid eating it again, or live in blissful ignorance. It's a thoughtful question to ask

@CloseYourEyesAndSee - thank you.

That wouldn't have occurred to me - I'd just have calmly pointed it out in the moment, in case he didn't know. Give him the facts, let him make his own decision ...

Exactly - and that's what vegans on the thread have suggested she does. But it was nice of her to ask.

Tell him, he will know it comes from a place of care. I'm vegan and would want to know. We often make silly mistakes (Hellman's organic looks v similar to vegan). Maybe you could source some vegan kimchi for him as a gift. I want kimchi now!

@WinTheNight

Let the guy enjoy it. If it was that important for him to be 100% vegan he would have checked the label.

Rubbish advice. If he’s vegan, he’ll want to know.

I agree. I have made mistakes, such as eating Aldi brown sauce for years before finding out it had anchovies in it! I wish someone had told me.

I don’t eat dairy- but l am not vegan. Is it possible that’s him too?
Lots of people imagine l am vegan because l don’t eat dairy… they’ve just assumed.

You're sceptical about veganism??
Most vegans understand that we cannot live lives that are entirely free of animal abuse. Just because you met one flaky twat doesn't mean veganism isn't real

Well said.

The thing I’m sceptical about is all these people who know vegans who eat meat and dairy. And the language used is always ‘interesting’. The ‘vegans’ they describe almost can’t control themselves, they shovel this food in their mouths, desperately. The language used reminds me of the daily mail where women can’t just walk along the street, they are ‘flaunting their figures’ or whatever. I don’t dispute some people are weird attention seekers and want the label of vegan whilst eating animal products. But all the vegans I know are involved in animal welfare in some way, Some work in animal rescue, some are heavily involved in campaigning for example. They just wouldn’t want to eat animal products.

@WinTheNight

You're sceptical about veganism?? Most vegans understand that we cannot live lives that are entirely free of animal abuse. Just because you met one flaky twat doesn't mean veganism isn't real

Well said.

The thing I’m sceptical about is all these people who know vegans who eat meat and dairy. And the language used is always ‘interesting’. The ‘vegans’ they describe almost can’t control themselves, they shovel this food in their mouths, desperately. The language used reminds me of the daily mail where women can’t just walk along the street, they are ‘flaunting their figures’ or whatever. I don’t dispute some people are weird attention seekers and want the label of vegan whilst eating animal products. But all the vegans I know are involved in animal welfare in some way, Some work in animal rescue, some are heavily involved in campaigning for example. They just wouldn’t want to eat animal products.

Some people really can't believe that we don't want to eat animal products and think we are all secretly yearning for a steak which we will 'narff' (apparently) when drunk...

This thread is like a meeting for Vegans Anonymous

I would definitely tell him , after all you will have worse conversations than that in years to come if you make it as a couple .

Just say "doenst bother me either way, but did you realise this had shrimp paste in it?" Easy, done.

@speakout

I wouldn't know how to feel OP. I had vegan relative come to stay for 6 weeks few years ago- she is from New Zealand, so no an eas trip to make. She and her OH stayed over christmas and it was a lot of work Many of my family love meat and dairy and catering for 7 people over the fesive period was challenging. Things like separate potato mash without butter, different gravy, cashew cream, oat milk We visited an ice cream parlour on the last day she was visiting us and she ordered a huge knickerbocker glory. Full dairy ice cream, piped whipped cream- and scoffed the lot. I was gobsmacked. I had spent the last 6 weeks making sure I used different knives and chopping boards for butter and vegan spread.

I am sceptical about veganism. Any vegans even posting here should think about devices they are using.
Most smartphones and tablets use adhesives and stearates from animal bones.
Buses and bicycles use lubricants and materials in tyre production from animal sources.

One 'bad vegan' doesn't mean all are.

The claim about smartphones, buses etc isn't entirely true- but even if it were the case, it's a little unfair to expect vegans to be 100% perfect in every tiny aspect of their lives, or not at all- we're not perfect, but we try pretty damned hard.

I would have thought he would have read the label. My husband is vegetarian and looks for the green V. Maybe he has cooked for a non vegan

I think people that say they are vegan who knowingly eat some animal products would come under flexitarian who eat a small quantity. I think we come under that but personally wouldn't use the term because as far as I'm concerned we still do eat some so why would I need a name for it? Vegans and vegetarians need a term for it for when they go out so they have a better chance of finding what they can eat.

You should tell him, and offering to make him a vegan version would be lovely.

@GreenTortoise

Maybe he is like Pam from Gavin and Stacey and stuffs his face with ham when no one is looking .

No, in all seriousness just tell him. I'm sure he'll get the vegan equivalent once he knows.

it's a little unfair to expect vegans to be 100% perfect in every tiny aspect of their lives, or not at all- we're not perfect,

Your own rules though. You vegans set the standards. Why call yorself vegans if you use smartphone or watch TV? I could equally call myself a vegan then because I only eat meat once a month, or sometimes take milk in my coffee. Am I also a vegan that is not 100% perfect?

think people that say they are vegan who knowingly eat some animal products would come under flexitarian who eat a small quantity. I think we come under that but personally wouldn't use the term because as far as I'm concerned we still do eat some so why would I need a name for it? Vegans and vegetarians need a term for it for when they go out so they have a better chance of finding what they can eat.

Maybe call themselves human?

I rarely eat dairy or meat, I wou;dn;t drean of calling myself a vegan or a vegetarian. So much posturing and flouncing about, when most vegans are carrying about dead anmal parts in heir phones.

@speakout

it's a little unfair to expect vegans to be 100% perfect in every tiny aspect of their lives, or not at all- we're not perfect,

Your own rules though. You vegans set the standards. Why call yorself vegans if you use smartphone or watch TV? I could equally call myself a vegan then because I only eat meat once a month, or sometimes take milk in my coffee. Am I also a vegan that is not 100% perfect?

Great, so if we set the standards- and I agree that makes sense- it's a little odd for omnivores to say that someone who meets vegan standards (avoiding, as far as practically possible, all animal products) isn't vegan.

So I guess we both agree that we can call ourselves vegan- glad that's cleared up!

If he bought it and is eating it, it’s his choice.
I’d say nothing. If you don’t mention having noticed it, he can’t ask why you didn’t mention it or take offence at you questioning his food choices. If you were vegan, that’s a different matter.

@speakout

think people that say they are vegan who knowingly eat some animal products would come under flexitarian who eat a small quantity. I think we come under that but personally wouldn't use the term because as far as I'm concerned we still do eat some so why would I need a name for it? Vegans and vegetarians need a term for it for when they go out so they have a better chance of finding what they can eat.

Maybe call themselves human?

I rarely eat dairy or meat, I wou;dn;t drean of calling myself a vegan or a vegetarian. So much posturing and flouncing about, when most vegans are carrying about dead anmal parts in heir phones.

I assume you wouldn't call yourself vegan because you do eat meat and dairy, so don't meet vegan standards. Makes sense.

Vegans who do meet vegan standards- which you said yourself are set by those same standards- are welcome to label their diet correctly.

*set by those same vegans, my apologies

So you can be a vegan and use a smartphone which contains dead animal derivatives?
Can I identify as vegan because I only eat a ham sandwich once a month?

@speakout

So you can be a vegan and use a smartphone which contains dead animal derivatives? Can I identify as vegan because I only eat a ham sandwich once a month?

Hang on, I thought we were allowing vegans to set the standard for veganism?

There's plenty of really great reading online that explains why veganism is a valid label, despite the impossibility of absolute perfection. Your argument is akin to saying 'well, can't avoid all cruelty to animals, so might as well kick a kitten every hour' or 'well, can't avoid all oil usage, so may as well leave every appliance and car running 24/7, and burn a pile of plastic while we're at it'. Bit ridiculous really.

Honestly, vegans are very, very aware that nothing's perfect. We do our best. Feel free to try yourself, or not- fully your choice- but don't bash those who are trying their hardest whilst also trying to be functioning members of society, without harming you.

I rarely eat dairy or meat, I wou;dn;t drean of calling myself a vegan or a vegetarian. So much posturing and flouncing about, when most vegans are carrying about dead anmal parts in heir phones.

You wouldn't call yourself either because you eat meat and dairy.

You wouldn't call yourself either because you eat meat and dairy.

No.
And vegans consume animals.