I'm not a bridesmaid

[again2020]

Posting here for traffic.
A bit shakey so excuse typos.

I've found out tonight that DPs sister is not having me as a bridesmaid/maid of honour.
Every other woman in the immediately family is involved; (obviously) MIL, 2 SILs, her neice and grooms 2 sisters . My daughter is also a flower girl!
They are all going to try dresses on at the weekend and it's only through a chance text that was mistakenly sent to DP that we found out.
MIL has rung me apologising, but she's can't give me a real reason why.
For 9 years, bar an admitted quite bad argument between my mother and MIL which SIL was involved in when my daughter was young, we have been reasonably close, had fun together and I've always got on well with her. I will admit I'm not as close to her as the other two SILs. But SIL (bride to be) didn't tell me, MIL let slip after the chance text.
I feel pretty upset and numb. DP is very close to his sister and I can tell he isn't happy either.

I'm certainly not one to ruin the day or anything else over it. It is her wedding after all and I know that!
So how do I behave now? I need to be the bigger person and not let it show it upset me but I also need to take a large role in the wedding as DD is the flower girl. How can I do this? I have a year to get used to the idea but I'm not someone who hides feelings well.
What about hen do etc? I feel like I don't really want to speak to any of them at the moment.
Tell me if I'm hugely overreacting.
Thanks

Why do people cause so much friction themselves.
So what if your thinking poisonous thoughts about someone else, the only person it hurts is yourself. LET IT GO.
Find the good in not being a bridesmaid and don't let the MIL cause panic, Tell MIL your fine with not being the bridesmaid, and as said, ask if she will babysit the night before the wedding and make it a win for yourselfs....

@Notcoolmum the bride is also having the wives/partners of her other 2 brothers as well, just not this brother's partner ie the OP

Thing is you can get on with someone because they’re married to your brother and are part of your family, but that doesn’t make them your friend. Iyswim.

She may genuinely have a friendship with her other SILs which goes beyond them being married to her brothers, and if as you say she’s someone who doesn’t really have friends this may be important to her, and as such she may have asked them as friends, not as SILs. Iyswim. It just so happens that they’re part of the family.

I think it’s important not to overthink it really. Getting on with someone doesn’t mean you have a friendship, especially when it’s your partner’s family.

My sister gets on with my DP as does my BIL. If I wasn’t family they wouldn’t likely be friends with him, not because there’s anything wrong with him but because I just can’t imagine it would happen that way.

Conversely my DP’s sister and his brother’s partner have a close friendship which goes beyond their being family. If the brother wasn’t in the equation they would likely still have the friendship.

Being accepted as part of the family doesn’t mean you’re a friend, it means you’re a part of the family.

I totally get where you are coming from OP. I would be hurt too. I'm sorry that this has happened to you. Xx

It is her choice who she wants as bridesmaids and she hasn't chosen you. It hurts but it's not the end of the world but it is her wedding, her choice.

[quote toomuchlaundry]@Notcoolmum the bride is also having the wives/partners of her other 2 brothers as well, just not this brother's partner ie the OP[/quote]
Ah I somehow missed that and mistook the groom's sisters as the SILs. I'd be hurt under those circumstances.

OP do you have the relationship to sit down and ask why you aren't included in the same way as the other SILs. Or can your partner?

That seems a lot of bridesmaids! My DS was a pageboy at one of my friend's weddings and she had one adult bridesmaid, one flower girl and him. I and a couple of her friends did readings. I didn't play a huge part in the day, just got DS dressed and on time. It was so lovely.

My friend is close to her SILs but she had me and two other friends and nieces as bridesmaids. Another friend didn't have her SIL or nieces involved other than as much wanted guests.

I know you are feeling a little left out. But it is her day and her choice.

@BeachDrifting

I don't think YABU and it is hurtful BUT you have to rise above it. It's so blatant that she could be trying to scapegoat you. Whatever response you make to your family about this could be written as "ruining the wedding" or "drama lama" do you see what I mean? So yes, rant about it here but you have to be zero emotion about it in real life. Don't give anyone any ammunition. As far as you are concerned this is the best wedding ever, you are thrilled for them and you couldn't have arranged it better yourself. Kill everyone with kindness. Its the only way you come out of this smelling like roses. However, I'd be tempted to swerve the hen party. You now have no obligations to go to anything or attend. You have a get out of jail free card. If it was me, when the hen party invite comes through I'd respond "Oh no! I'm so sorry but I can't make that date. Gutted :( really hope you all have a brilliant time and look forward to seeing all the drunk photos ;) "

This is spot-on, Beach.

OP, everyone scolding you for being "upset about not being a bridesmaid you big baby" has totally missed the point.

The specific exclusion is such a ludicrously pointed gesture that it's clear it's a form of bullying. Even the SiL's own mother is embarrassed for her (hence the secrecy & apology).

It's very. very satisfying to give bullies a clear demonstration that you've totally failed to notice their bullying. Damn, they hate that!

You now have a whole year to quietly adjust & protect your feelings about SiL & the family dynamic, a totally valid reason (which you will invent) to duck the arseache of the Hen party & certainly any planning for it, & eventually, a lovely day out to look forward to where you will see your DD enjoying her flower girl role & be free to have a great day in a fab outfit of your own choice.

All while being dignified & unruffled. Go, you!

def does sound a bit rubbish if true. But honestly just get over it. I think i'd be more miffed if my children had been excluded but thats not the case here.

Bridesmaids and being a bridesmaid is just hassle tbh. Consider it a lucky escape and focus your energies on making sure your children enjoy the day.

[quote again2020]@Angelonagelee Yes I did think she might ask me now through guilt! But I think more likely that she won't.
Yes, I'm sure there is a group bridesmaids chat on whatsapp etc. It's hard not to feel snubbed.

I think most MNetters think I ABVU.[/quote]
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I feel for you and can understand how you must be feeling but I think she knew what size of wedding party she wanted and decided to make things fair (in her eyes) by having your daughter as a flower girl.

That’s not to say however that you don’t have to keep things in mind regarding how stung you feel going forward.

@TooManyDinosaurs1

You sound like my sil, I think she assumed she'd be bridesmaid even though she's been a total cow ever since the day she met me. She really can't stand me, yet still thought she'd be asked?! I had my sister and best friend from childhood. I had 5 other girlfriends who I'd been friends with 15-20 years at the time who I lived with at uni who I'd have liked but 7 bridesmaids and 3 flower girls would havd looked like a circus. I went with my sister and oldest friend as adult bridesmaids. The groom choses the groomsmen and bride the bridesmaids. Unless you are friends with the bride, not just her brother's wife I'm not sure why you'd assume you'd be part of the bridal party?

No idea why you think your daughter being flower girl gives you a big role either? My cousins children were my flower girls, my cousin got them ready and dropped them off, she didn't escort them down the aisle or stand in on pictures etc!

So ... totally UNlike your own SiL then?

As OP socialises regularly with, & likes her own SiL.

Have read some of your previous posts, it sounds like you need support with gerring rid of your? your partner before you let anything else worry you.
Please put yourself and dd first, reach out and don't look back. The whole family sounds v. Clicky and damaging. 💐

I do understand where you're coming from OP. I'm getting married, one sil said from the start she didn't want to be bridesmaid but has done loads to do with decor and flowers. Other one said she did but I ended up just having my bill's little girl as flower girl, not even his girlfriend as I'm already having two and 3flower girls and to have 3 sil as well would've been too much but I did speak to them and explained and they were happy to not be. I couldn't have had one with the others.

Sorry that was a bit of a ramble! I am trying to say to have the others and not you is very rude and spiteful

@again2020

So people wouldn't go to the hen do?

No. And to be quite honest this is one of those situations where I’d hope my partner manned up and said he couldn’t be part of the bridal party.

She’s probably looking at it that she has a representative from each family. Dd is the representative from your family.

@Martyitsyourkids

Have read some of your previous posts, it sounds like you need support with gerring rid of your? your partner before you let anything else worry you. Please put yourself and dd first, reach out and don't look back. The whole family sounds v. Clicky and damaging. 💐

I agree.

Your MIL has phoned social services on you twice, your DH sounds lazy and unpleasant and says you don’t ‘deserve’ oral sex any more etc. Being a bridesmaid really is the least of your problems. It sounds like there are huge issues going on here-I would be finding a way to leave this toxic family and finding some happiness.

OP, I don’t think most people think YABU. You’ve been snubbed and it’s hurtful.

There’s always a huge brigade of “her wedding, her choice” on here which is usually just a shitty excuse to condone bad behaviour from the bride.

I agree with your husband not being in the wedding party if asked. I wouldn’t be involved if I were him. Not to cause drama, but I’d just say “thanks, but I’d rather just be a guest, otherwise @again will just be on her own for a lot of the wedding”.

@again2020

So people wouldn't go to the hen do?

I wouldn't.

She is very close to my daughter and I take her to see her every other week now I can.

I wouldn't be doing this anymore, either.

I understand that you're hurt, and I'd take it personally, too. Would take Kindlethefourth great advice.

Have also now read some of your previous threads, and TBH given the dynamic with your DP’s family and the fact your MIL has openly said you don’t fit in, it’s not really that surprising that you haven’t been asked.

Be honest, this notion that they don’t like you isn’t a new one. Your relationship with both your DP and his family has been volatile for a very long time.

What you need to do at this stage is take a step back and ask yourself whether this is a family you want to be a part of anyway.

It's only natural you'd feel rejected. Out of the 3 husband's wives you are the only one not chosen. So if it were me I'd throw myself a pity party for a while, then pull myself together, look FABULOUS at her wedding, maintain a good relationship but always remember to keep a tiny wall up for her so she can't hurt my feelings again.

Another thing is, won't it look odd if they do a photo with the bride's family? (2 of my siblings each got married last month and ime this is a pretty standard photo.) So you'd have:
MIL and FIL (presumably with buttonholes/FIL in wedding colour tie)
Bride
Groom
3 brothers in groomsmen suits (OP hasn't confirmed this but seems likely)
2 SILs in bridesmaid dresses
All the female grandchildren in flower girl dresses
1 SIL dressed as a guest
Won't it be really obvious you've been snubbed?

I wouldn't be bothered about not being a bridesmaid, but to be the only one not being a bridesmaid.

Exclusion hurts. At the very least she could have spoken to you before you found out.

I've often been excluded in my life. I'm quiet, won't make a fuss, don't like to be centre of attention. It seems I'm easily forgotten, and it hurts every time. Certainly makes me feel like people don't like me, whether that's the case or not. And sometimes that is the case, but when it's someone you thought did like you it's upsetting.

I hope by the time the wedding comes around you can enjoy it, and that this doesn't damage your relationship with your family long term.

@NigellaSeed

It's only natural you'd feel rejected. Out of the 3 husband's wives you are the only one not chosen. So if it were me I'd throw myself a pity party for a while, then pull myself together, look FABULOUS at her wedding, maintain a good relationship but always remember to keep a tiny wall up for her so she can't hurt my feelings again.

The OP isn't a wife. She and her partner are not married...

@again2020 YANBU to be upset, but they can have who they want.

Also, (and I apologise if this has been said but I don't have time to read 400 posts,) but it's probably because you're not married.

Even though you've been together nearly 10 years, if you're not married, many people won't think of you as a serious, solid, committed couple.

Also, your DP's mother isn't your 'mother-in-law,' as you're not married to her son. She's your partner's mother. And from what I have read on this thread, you'd be better off if she never WAS your mother-in-law. I'd run a mile from this family AND your DP if I were you. 9 years together and still not married? It's never going to happen. You deserve better.

@Martyitsyourkids

Have read some of your previous posts, it sounds like you need support with getting rid of your? your partner before you let anything else worry you. Please put yourself and dd first, reach out and don't look back. The whole family sounds v. Clicky and damaging. 💐

This.^