I'm not a bridesmaid

[again2020]

Posting here for traffic.
A bit shakey so excuse typos.

I've found out tonight that DPs sister is not having me as a bridesmaid/maid of honour.
Every other woman in the immediately family is involved; (obviously) MIL, 2 SILs, her neice and grooms 2 sisters . My daughter is also a flower girl!
They are all going to try dresses on at the weekend and it's only through a chance text that was mistakenly sent to DP that we found out.
MIL has rung me apologising, but she's can't give me a real reason why.
For 9 years, bar an admitted quite bad argument between my mother and MIL which SIL was involved in when my daughter was young, we have been reasonably close, had fun together and I've always got on well with her. I will admit I'm not as close to her as the other two SILs. But SIL (bride to be) didn't tell me, MIL let slip after the chance text.
I feel pretty upset and numb. DP is very close to his sister and I can tell he isn't happy either.

I'm certainly not one to ruin the day or anything else over it. It is her wedding after all and I know that!
So how do I behave now? I need to be the bigger person and not let it show it upset me but I also need to take a large role in the wedding as DD is the flower girl. How can I do this? I have a year to get used to the idea but I'm not someone who hides feelings well.
What about hen do etc? I feel like I don't really want to speak to any of them at the moment.
Tell me if I'm hugely overreacting.
Thanks

I'm assuming from some of the comments from other posters that there is a reason you have been engaged for a number of years but haven't married.

Do you actually enjoy your in-laws company, would you choose to socialise with them if they weren't your partner's family? The meeting with the the other 3 couples was that a thing between the bride to be and her brothers before they all got partners.

I know how you feel op-my sil who i was very close to at the time chose her sister and brother(dh) to be in wedding party of course her niece and her sisters partner to be an usher

Me just a guest id already known her for ten years-the partner of her sister broke up with her soon after

then her second wedding she done the same thing again! new partner of sister got to be an usher and me nothing again
We're not close anymore just didnt understand her chocies and she was funn with me after like she felt guilty but never said

I'm so fucking bored with the 'not married' excuse. They are all equal ffs, they are friends! It's as if marriage is the baseline of respectability! Get over yourselves. It's not 'traditional' to have your 'married' SILs as bridesmaids and leave the 'living in sin' ones out. Where is that law written down? What about friends as bridesmaids? They could all fall out next week but no one's wringing their hands about them 'spoiling' the photos in 10 years time. Jeez.

I did think she might ask me now through guilt! But I think more likely that she won't I’d be prepared for your MiL telling her that she’s had a conversation about it with you, and that she may need to talk to you about it. Have you got a response ready for her? Being a guilt bridesmaid would be worse than not having been asked in the first place.

On the plus side, she’s handed you the freedom to do whatever you like if you ever get married. No feelings of obligation, you can do whatever you want.

@faithfulbird20

I'd give her a taste of her own medicine later on. Invite her to a function you're holding and don't acknowledge her but acknowledge the other SILs etc.

I don't get everyone saying YABU because it's her wedding. Once you're married family is family and you don't isolate anyone. But obviously not everyone has a clean heart.

You’re not really serious, surely?

Your previous post accused the bride to be of being a bitch for not inviting every female relative to be her bridesmaid and now you’re offering tips on how to be extremely nasty, but ending the post with
“But not everyone has a clean heart”.

Who pissed on your chips Mrs Grudge lady?

@CoronaPeroni on the face of it, it looked like this could possibly be the only reason why the OP was not part of the bridal party, which doesn't make it right, especially as she has been with the partner 9 years and have DC together. It's not like she is a new girlfriend of a few weeks.

However, there appears to a be a backstory of toxic relationship with in-laws and possibly the partner too, so that is much more likely the reason she has been left out.

again2020 From reading your posts you come across as a nice person who isn't going to make a drama out of it & just feels a bit hurt. I think that's understandable, it is strange to exclude just you, and as for the fact that you're not married - I always refer to my sisters' longterm boyfriends as my brothers-in-law, they've been together as long as the married couples in our family. They were all in our wedding photos.

You can't read your SIL's mind though so if it was me I'd try not to assume that this comes from any dislike of you. The important thing isn't whether you're a bridesmaid after all, it's that you are worrying whether this means she doesn't feel close to you. So if it was me I'd just play it by ear and if she's friendly in all other ways, let it go.

I was in the exact same position as you OP, also included sil's best friend - I had the last laugh, wore a fabulous dress of my choosing, my hair how I wanted it and my favourite shoes whilst the adult bridesmaids all moaned about their polyester dresses very loudly at the reception (one even got changed out of her dress for the evening reception) although my daughter loved being a flower girl and enjoyed the day

Weddings are difficult to include everyone in everything, not least because of the cost. I think the fact that she has included your daughter, she probably thought that you would rather see your daughter included than beca bridesmaid yourself? Enjoy watching your daughter enjoy herself.

@CounsellorTroi

There will be those who ask, on the day, why you are not a brides maid - you can have all sorts of answers lined up here!

I would answer “I wasn’t asked” and let them make of that what they will!

Why would anyone care? I can’t imagine asking someone this. Even if I knew all the relationships I wouldn’t give a hoot who the bridesmaids were, or assume some terrible sight has been inflicted. It’s all very childish.

Oof.
I've just also had a quick flick through some of your more recent posts, @again2020 and I begin to see why you've been excluded - not because you "don't fit in" as such, but because you are in an unhappy relationship and it's possible that your SIL bride is aware that you may not stay in the relationship much longer, especially if you're trying to get out.

So it's not so much that you're "not married" (stupid old fashioned nonsense), more that your relationship is unstable, abusive and unhappy.

Your MIL may have put the boot in as well, from what I was reading, and said that you wouldn't be an appropriate BM.

You won't get to the bottom of this. The only thing you can do is hold your head up high, tell yourself you don't want to be part of this miserable bunch of fuckers anyway, and do your own thing with civility and dignity.

All this talk of the OP and her partner not being married is utter bollocks. So they live together, have a child together, but somehow because they’re not married she’s not family?

It’s up there with telling someone that because they don’t live with someone they’re not a partner they’re a boyfriend, even though they could be engaged and planning to move in together after the wedding.

People have weird ideas.

@CoronaPeroni

I'm so fucking bored with the 'not married' excuse. They are all equal ffs, they are friends! It's as if marriage is the baseline of respectability! Get over yourselves. It's not 'traditional' to have your 'married' SILs as bridesmaids and leave the 'living in sin' ones out. Where is that law written down? What about friends as bridesmaids? They could all fall out next week but no one's wringing their hands about them 'spoiling' the photos in 10 years time. Jeez.

I'm so 'fucking bored' with people who can't be arsed to read posts properly.

I never said that 'unmarrieds' are not equal, but it's a fact that many people will NOT accept peoples relationships as very serious when they're not married, whether you like it or not.

I have know someone who got 2 weeks off with pay, when her husband of 5 years died (and they had been together for 7 years.) She got a massive bunch of flowers, and £300 was collected for her from colleagues.

Another woman at the same workplace had her partner of 15 years die 4 months later. She got fuck all, not a single flower, or a single penny collected, and not even a bastard MINUTE off with pay, no compassionate leave, nowt, nada, FUCK ALL.

The employer did not take the relationship seriously, and neither did most of her colleagues, and neither does the LAW. So you can be 'so fucking bored' until the cows come home, but it makes shit-all difference. The fact is that many people still don't take a couple seriously if they're not married.

Now calm down, you'll give yourself a migraine.

It's her loss, OP, you sound nice. I would take a step back.

I didn't have my SILs as bridesmaids or invite them to the hen do and only realised after how hurtful that might have been! I really regret it and can't believe I was so dumb.

Bridesmaids are the people the bride chooses to support her. It's not a family right. I could understand that you'd be hurt if you were close, but I think you have over-reacted. I wonder if your MIL apologised because of your reaction and not because of her daughter's actions.

I always thought that once you married or have child that you can’t be bridesmaid. Only unmarried women.

OP is unmarried
Not SIL are married

I've never been a bridesmaid before. I wasn't close to SIL when DB got married but my mother was a bit miffed that I wasn't chosen because I'm family. I wasn't that bothered tbh, it would have been nice but we're very different people.

Funnily enough my SIL had a huge falling out with one of her bridesmaids after the wedding and hasn't spoken to her in years.

to be quite honest this is one of those situations where I’d hope my partner manned up and said he couldn’t be part of the bridal party.

I agree. I'd hope he'd say he'd love to take the role offered to him (assuming there will be one) but that he won't be able to as OP will be spending the day alone if he does, but thanks for the offer.

@again2020

Thanks everyone. I think it's just that I'm the only one excluded, if you see what I mean. And she has tons of bridesmaids! Also I still haven't heard it from the horses mouth, mother in law only told me by accident.

Sorry, OP.

I do see this from the perspective of the 'phew! lucky escape' PPs, as well as those questioning why being a bridesmaid should matter in the adult world.

Obviously it doesn't, but your response comes from the position of the only adult woman in the family who has been left out. Of course this looks pointed, and your response in the circumstances is entirely natural.

So what do you do? Don't be tempted to cry off, or decline flower-girl duties on your daughter's behalf. Be gracious. Hold up your head, attend with smiles, and have a fantastic time. If the point is to make you feel awkward and left out, let them see they've failed, and that you don't give a monkeys either way. The biggest way to piss off the kind of people who are into the Grand Gesture (my in-laws are like this too, so my sympathies) isn't just not to care, but not do them the courtesy of even noticing.

It sucks in a big way when you discover that a relationship means more to you than the other person. Your feelings are valid: thus hurts. If that does turn out to be the case I'd continue in a cordial but more distant vein, and would likely cool this connection down a bit in future. If only in my own head.

for you. You can do this, and you'll be the one to keep your dignity intact.

@CoronaPeroni I don’t think anyone is saying they are not equals, just that there is a difference between being married and being engaged for 4.5 years. If they’d been engaged a year and the wedding was booked and definitely happening then I’d probably treat the fiancée as though they were married but otherwise you’re just a girlfriend with a ring. Of course married couples can get divorced but I doubt many people assume that they will when planning a wedding because, unlike engaged couples, they have made a public vow to stay together.

There is nothing at all wrong with being a girlfriend/fiancée rather than, as others have said lots of people don’t see the point of marriage and have relationships that are just as serious as marriages without a wedding. However, this is not the OPs situation - she is engaged so clearly does think marriage is worthwhile but they haven’t done it - that would make me treat the relationship less seriously, especially if, as other posters have pointed out, there is ongoing family drama.

As the OP says the “other” SiLs are closer so it may be they are bridesmaids because they are actually friends rather than because they are married into the family. If so then obviously whether or not they are married is completely irrelevant.

@Anonymouslyposting

But you aren’t a SiL. Engaged is not the same as married. If I were her I wouldn’t want someone in the pictures who might not be part of my family life forever - unless that person was someone I was close to independent of them being my brother’s fiancée. Perhaps I would if you were about to marry my brother or if you were in a long term committed relationship and had no intention of ever marrying. But after 4.5 years of being engaged I’d be starting to doubt whether you were ever going to get married (unless the date was booked).

Given the number of divorces these days, this attitude seems so wrong to me.

I know a good number of people who have been cohabiting far longer than the average marriage lasts. Even I was with my abuser for 30 years until I managed to get out.

Being married does not guarantee that person will be in your life forever, not these days.

@GirlAcrossTheStreet

Weddings are difficult to include everyone in everything, not least because of the cost. I think the fact that she has included your daughter, she probably thought that you would rather see your daughter included than beca bridesmaid yourself? Enjoy watching your daughter enjoy herself.

If she genuinely thought that, she should have given the OP the opportunity to decide, rather than making the decision for her.