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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm not a bridesmaid

502 replies

again2020 · 02/09/2021 22:39

Posting here for traffic.
A bit shakey so excuse typos.

I've found out tonight that DPs sister is not having me as a bridesmaid/maid of honour.
Every other woman in the immediately family is involved; (obviously) MIL, 2 SILs, her neice and grooms 2 sisters . My daughter is also a flower girl!
They are all going to try dresses on at the weekend and it's only through a chance text that was mistakenly sent to DP that we found out.
MIL has rung me apologising, but she's can't give me a real reason why.
For 9 years, bar an admitted quite bad argument between my mother and MIL which SIL was involved in when my daughter was young, we have been reasonably close, had fun together and I've always got on well with her. I will admit I'm not as close to her as the other two SILs. But SIL (bride to be) didn't tell me, MIL let slip after the chance text.
I feel pretty upset and numb. DP is very close to his sister and I can tell he isn't happy either.

I'm certainly not one to ruin the day or anything else over it. It is her wedding after all and I know that!
So how do I behave now? I need to be the bigger person and not let it show it upset me but I also need to take a large role in the wedding as DD is the flower girl. How can I do this? I have a year to get used to the idea but I'm not someone who hides feelings well.
What about hen do etc? I feel like I don't really want to speak to any of them at the moment.
Tell me if I'm hugely overreacting.
Thanks

OP posts:

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 03/09/2021 14:01

PS. The 'hen do', I would not go to. They're my idea of hell in any case. Swerve that one and go to the wedding instead, then keep a civilised distance.

zingally · 03/09/2021 14:02

My DH has a sister... We're friendly, certainly, but I wouldn't expect to be asked to be a bridesmaid! In fact, I'd be extremely surprised if I was!

She's a fairly tenuous link to you personally, and not even a blood relative of yours.

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/09/2021 14:09

@Anonymouslyposting

But you aren’t a SiL. Engaged is not the same as married. If I were her I wouldn’t want someone in the pictures who might not be part of my family life forever - unless that person was someone I was close to independent of them being my brother’s fiancée. Perhaps I would if you were about to marry my brother or if you were in a long term committed relationship and had no intention of ever marrying. But after 4.5 years of being engaged I’d be starting to doubt whether you were ever going to get married (unless the date was booked).

But a couple who are married and in pics could split up and Divorce weeks after the wedding

So might not be in their lives forever

Bride has no sisters 5 sister laws - 3 via brothers - 2 via her husband to be

Having 4/5 is rude

Anonymouslyposting · 03/09/2021 14:10

@TurquoiseDragon obviously people can get divorced but at some stage you have to treat a relationship as though it’s going to be permanent. For many people, that’s when they get married. If the OP didn’t want to get married ever then I’d treat a relationship after nine years and DC as equivalent to a marriage but as the OP is engaged they clearly do see marriage as something they ant. After 4.5 years of engagement and no marriage I’d wonder if they were ever going to get married (unless they had set a date for example) and so would think the relationship was less serious.

It’s about the seriousness of the relationship, not the piece of paper that says “these people are married”.

ZoeCM · 03/09/2021 14:14

I haven't read the full thread, but I'm genuinely stunned that there are posters saying they would tell their daughters they weren't allowed to be flower girls because they - grown women - were angry at not being asked to be bridesmaids! That's incredibly childish. I could never imagine my mother behaving like that, and I certainly wouldn't behave like that as an adult.

RampantIvy · 03/09/2021 14:18

I've just also had a quick flick through some of your more recent posts, again2020 and I begin to see why you've been excluded - not because you "don't fit in" as such, but because you are in an unhappy relationship

I don't like to look at previous postings because I think new threads need an unbiased opinion, but prompted by other posters I have had a look.

I'm sorry that these people aren't being very nice to you

PiscesScot · 03/09/2021 14:19

@FrozenCremeEgg

Your daughter is flower girl

Her aunties will organise her, not you

You havent got a big part in the wedding because of your daughter

Why do adults want to be a bridesmaid anyway?
I think its weird!

Well, that could well be it - you're not actually/legally part of the family (in the nicest possible way!).

She doesn't have to tell you that you're not in the wedding party (just like she doesn't have to tell everyone else invited to the wedding). Didn't you figure it out when your daughter was asked to be flower girl, but there was no mention of a 'role' for you?

I think you're over-reacting in quite a big way, sorry.

PiscesScot · 03/09/2021 14:20

Sorry, misquoted - was going for the OP post where she says she's been engaged for 4.5 years...

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/09/2021 14:20

I read your other threads. Use the time you would have spent on bridesmaids duties to plan a way to leave the abusive piece of shit you're engaged to and a way to reduce the amount of contact your daughter has with his horrible, enabling, misogynist family. Why you'd want to be part of their wedding day at all after everything is beyond me. You're being abused, your daughter is growing up in an abusive household. Her being a flower girl is irrelevant as would you being a bridesmaid be. Focus on leaving your abuser, not on considering the motivations of his family.

Unsure33 · 03/09/2021 14:20

I can totally see why you are upset , however you will be able to concentrate on looking after your daughter and probably have more fun. If you don’t like where the hen party is then you don’t have to feel guilty about not going and no bridezillla arguments about the dress or anything . .

It is good look bad on her on the day that you were not asked , not you.

And yes withdraw a bit from the family dynamic . Only join in when it suits you .

Ispini · 03/09/2021 14:26

@JustLyra

Make sure you don’t end up as the on the day babysitter of all the kids while the adult members of the bridal party are off for photos and the likes.

A spectacularly good point!! Be busy, busy talking to everyone and their granny to a) avoid babysitting and b) to make everyone aware of your exclusion. Bet it will get tongues wagging!

Bywayofanupdate · 03/09/2021 14:33

I would be upset about this if I was in your shoes too, though looking at it from the outside I think you had a lucky escape as others have said. You can just show up to the hen do and the wedding with no responsibilities other than to enjoy yourself! I reckon your dp should be chief flower girl care giver too 😁

grapewine · 03/09/2021 14:37

Make sure you don’t end up as the on the day babysitter of all the kids while the adult members of the bridal party are off for photos and the likes.

Definitely this!

Hawkins001 · 03/09/2021 14:45

All the best op

phishy · 03/09/2021 14:50

I think YANBU.

take a step back from the wedding
let DD be flower girl but tell DH he needs to deal with SIL re dress
don't attend hen do

toomuchlaundry · 03/09/2021 14:54

@phishy I would be taking a step back from the family not just the wedding if I was the OP

phishy · 03/09/2021 14:54

@toomuchlaundry agreed.

Iwantcauliflowercheese · 03/09/2021 14:57

[quote again2020]@judgeJ I don't know, but I always call them my ILs even though we technically aren't married as we've been together a long time plus I've always seen a lot of them. Is that not generally the done thing?[/quote]
It means "in law" which is legally married. You can't call them in-laws until you are. Do you think your long relationship and engagement has them puzzled and that they deep down think that your DP isn't committed to marrying you. If you want to be genuinely part of the family, get married. It doesn't cost much at the register office with two witnesses.

cakewench · 03/09/2021 14:58

YANBU, OP. You're allowed to feel left out here because you clearly are being left out, quite specifically from the sound of it if you're the only one of the females in an otherwise close knit family who has not been asked.

However I agree with those who say to enjoy it, as I find the dynamic of several women trying to find one dress to suit them all, a hen do they all agree on, etc, not very fun. I know you'd rather have the option to be involved of course, but as you don't, you might as well enjoy it.

I'm glad your DP empathises with you at least.

SnoopyLights · 03/09/2021 14:58

I think you are entirely reasonable in feeling excluded and hurt.

You are the only SIL to be excluded from the wedding party. They have all kept your being excluded a secret, until MIL accidentally let slip.

Now she has let the secret out, she can't or won't explain why SIL has chosen to leave you out and include all the others.

You say that the family is usually close and socialise with each other a lot, yet she's chosen to leave just you out and none of the others have breathed a word.

You are now wondering how often they are meeting without you and chatting online in groups you are not part of, which has made you wonder if you are not as close to any of them as you thought you were.

And you're probably going to have to sit through the family get togethers while they talk about the exciting plans for days out trying dresses etc that they have excluded you from.

Your DP is hurt as well.

And it's likely that some bigmouth in the family will get pissed at the wedding and want to know why you're the only SIL not part of the bridal party, but they'll ask you rather than the Bride.

The only option for you now is to book your wedding for the week before hers and steal every bit of thunder she's got. You could also invite all the other SILs to be your bridesmaids and ask if they can wear the bridesmaids dresses to both weddings to save on costs, leaving the Bride out of course because she can't wear her wedding dress to be a bridesmaid can she

Seriously, I think all you can do is take a dignified step back and let them get on with it and hope they are not crass enough to start making plans for days out trying dresses or getting hair and make-up done etc in front of you now MIL has spilled the beans.

sadie9 · 03/09/2021 14:59

It's because you are not married to your DP. How long have you been going out with him, are there other kids of his before he met you?

mamaoffourdc · 03/09/2021 15:03

This post doesn't match your previous posts with your abusive partner - you need to worry more about that than being a bridesmaid

CaptSkippy · 03/09/2021 15:26

Normally, I'd say not to think too much of it.

But the fact that they tried to hide this from you and your partner and that fact that they do want your daughter as a flower girl, despite you not being that close to you, is extremely rude.
What were they thinking? You would have found out a few days before the wedding at least. Did they think being so sneaky and obvious aware of the fact that this would hurt you would not cause any drama?

I would not want to go if I was in your position and I would pull my daughter out of this wedding too. If they had been open about this, it would have been a different matter, but now it's basically "Oh yeah, we want the daughter but not the mother."

netflixfan · 03/09/2021 15:27

She has included you by having your daughter as a flower girl. Its enough, enjoy the day. Your gorgeous little girl will steal the show anyway.

duckme · 03/09/2021 15:31

It's so much more fun to go to a wedding as a guest than as pet of the wedding party anyway!

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