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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not a bridesmaid

502 replies

again2020 · 02/09/2021 22:39

Posting here for traffic.
A bit shakey so excuse typos.

I've found out tonight that DPs sister is not having me as a bridesmaid/maid of honour.
Every other woman in the immediately family is involved; (obviously) MIL, 2 SILs, her neice and grooms 2 sisters . My daughter is also a flower girl!
They are all going to try dresses on at the weekend and it's only through a chance text that was mistakenly sent to DP that we found out.
MIL has rung me apologising, but she's can't give me a real reason why.
For 9 years, bar an admitted quite bad argument between my mother and MIL which SIL was involved in when my daughter was young, we have been reasonably close, had fun together and I've always got on well with her. I will admit I'm not as close to her as the other two SILs. But SIL (bride to be) didn't tell me, MIL let slip after the chance text.
I feel pretty upset and numb. DP is very close to his sister and I can tell he isn't happy either.

I'm certainly not one to ruin the day or anything else over it. It is her wedding after all and I know that!
So how do I behave now? I need to be the bigger person and not let it show it upset me but I also need to take a large role in the wedding as DD is the flower girl. How can I do this? I have a year to get used to the idea but I'm not someone who hides feelings well.
What about hen do etc? I feel like I don't really want to speak to any of them at the moment.
Tell me if I'm hugely overreacting.
Thanks Brew

OP posts:
duckme · 03/09/2021 15:31

*part

IARTNS · 03/09/2021 15:38

Dumb question here - why would you be alone if your DP is part of the grooms party/best man? My husband has been a best man a few times, and he's always sat with me for the meals etc... just had to leave at a different time.

His best man also sat with his wife when we got married.

Kitchendrama1 · 03/09/2021 15:38

Has your husband said anything?

Yes it’s weird.

Just have the convo if it’s anything you’ve done and make its clear it’s her day and you wish her well.

CounsellorTroi · 03/09/2021 15:42

@IARTNS

Dumb question here - why would you be alone if your DP is part of the grooms party/best man? My husband has been a best man a few times, and he's always sat with me for the meals etc... just had to leave at a different time.

His best man also sat with his wife when we got married.

My DH was a groomsman/usher at a wedding and he was put on the top table while I was put on a table of people I didn’t know.
LizzieW1969 · 03/09/2021 15:46

But the OP has said that one of her other SILs isn’t married either, and yet she is a bridesmaid. So I think the issue of marriage is a red herring which posters have seized upon to explain the bride’s decision not to include the OP. It’s much more likely to be because she’s closer to the other two (which the OP has said is the case).

diddl · 03/09/2021 15:55

Is your OH for example the oldest brother & she asked the wives of the 2 younger brothers or the youngest & she asked the wives of the older 2?

If you know that you're not as close to her as the others though then surely that is your answer?

Would you have wanted to be a bmaid just because the other 2 SIL are?

TomFuckery · 03/09/2021 16:00

Let it go over your head and do all you can to make it a lovely experience for your DD
Graciously accept an invite to the Hen night, or decline saying you have something else on if you really don't want to go
On the day pull up your big girl pants and have a lovely time as a guest
Personally I can't think of anything worse than being part of the bridal party, but your little one is going to love it

Franticbutterfly · 03/09/2021 16:02

I think that when it comes to other people's weddings you can't get upset by their choices. It's their wedding and they don't have to consider anyone they don't want to. They obviously haven't got a huge problem with you because your DD is flower girl. You will probably have a better time as a normal guest anyway, and won't be obliged to do anything exceptional eg expensive hen parties/holidays or other arranging things as you aren't "in the wedding".

Gonnagetgoing · 03/09/2021 16:03

@ZoeCM

I haven't read the full thread, but I'm genuinely stunned that there are posters saying they would tell their daughters they weren't allowed to be flower girls because they - grown women - were angry at not being asked to be bridesmaids! That's incredibly childish. I could never imagine my mother behaving like that, and I certainly wouldn't behave like that as an adult.
I only said this because:-

a) SIL has a good close relationship with OP's DD (SIL's DN) - OP takes her to see her every week.

b) Based on this request they can't be that close as I see this as an obvious snub to SIL. And she does too.

I wouldn't say that OP should tell her DD she isn't allowed to be a flower girl but I would be very tempted to tell SIL that she couldn't be and explain to DD (not sure of her age) why.

Why should SIL have a presumably attractive little flower girl at her wedding to look all cute and have the mother (her SIL) blatantly excluded from the wedding and bridal party? Nah not happening in my view.

I do think and I said this before - it's not so much the not telling OP she shouldn't be a bridesmaid (which SIL didn't even have the balls to do, to her face or by phone/text etc) - it's the going behind her back, people talking about her in the bridal party and downright meanness behind her back which is more hurtful and yes I do think she has a right to be hurt as does she and her DP. All very well for a few here to say have the upper hand and breeze through it but you're not in OP's situation.

phishy · 03/09/2021 16:08

I do find the posts saying ‘concentrate on your dd’ and ‘make it lovely’ for dd a bit cloying, as if OP is an outsider only there to facilitate the day for her dd.

Mrstamborineman · 03/09/2021 16:17

What a horrible way to treat you and their brother!
People saying you should take it graciously - wtf … would you also agree her family should treat her with grace as well.
Wow that would change things for me. Bear minimum input from now on. All the secrecy means they know the arrangements will hurt your feelings and want to avoid discomfort for themselves.

2bazookas · 03/09/2021 16:24

It's her wedding; she gets to pick the bridesmaids she wants and she's got enough.

Of course her mother is involved; you can't possibly resent MOB being the MOB!!

Mother of the flower girl is NOT "taking a large role in the wedding".

You're getting everything out of proportion.

If you're a bit of a primadonna/ drama queen that could perhaps explain why you've been sidelined?

Notonthestairs · 03/09/2021 16:31

Op I've read your previous threads now. I appreciate that crosses MN etiquette. But I'm glad I did because you've weathered a great deal more than not being invited to be a bridesmaid (although I can see why it has added to your feelings of isolation and not feeling good enough).

Go and see a solicitor about your house. The money can be sorted. You should not stay with a man who is so disrespectful- you deserve more. He doesn't have your back and he won't stick up for you.

I really hope by the time this wedding comes around you are well shot of your partner and his family.

Gonnagetgoing · 03/09/2021 16:33

@Notonthestairs

Op I've read your previous threads now. I appreciate that crosses MN etiquette. But I'm glad I did because you've weathered a great deal more than not being invited to be a bridesmaid (although I can see why it has added to your feelings of isolation and not feeling good enough).

Go and see a solicitor about your house. The money can be sorted. You should not stay with a man who is so disrespectful- you deserve more. He doesn't have your back and he won't stick up for you.

I really hope by the time this wedding comes around you are well shot of your partner and his family.

Well this certainly explains a lot!
CornforthWhite · 03/09/2021 16:35

I’m sorry this has happened, as it is mean and it has been done entirely on purpose. The thing you have to decide is how to react to it, as it is your partner’s family and, all being well, they are going to be in your and your daughters life for a very long time. You have to take your time and get into a stronger head space so you can move on from this and see it as funny/ sad for her. She has wanted to hurt you, no question of that. But you have to be able to move on from it and hold so ill feelings to her because it’s family and it will be incredibly sad to distance yourself from any of them, including SIL. Family and friends will undoubtedly notice your exclusion, but if you are gracious, respectful of her decision, kind to SIL and with a big smile on your face on the day it will be SIL who looks petty. All of that said, no one will point out that pettiness as it’s not human nature, but people will quietly judge her. If possible, keeping up the air of cheeriness, I would hope that your partner could breezily decline any requests to be a groomsman, as he’d like to have a wonderful day with his wife (who is not part of the bridal party) and daughter.

Larryyourwaiter · 03/09/2021 16:38

Am I being daft, but traditionally aren’t bridesmaids meant to be unmarried. MOH are the only married ones?

It is rude. Really she shouldn’t have any of them as BM as it’s kinda silly, but to exclude one of the three is rude.

I’d make sure I had a backup social engagement prepared for the hen do. I wouldn’t be investing any money in this occasion. Flower girls don’t go to fittings do they, just get an age sized dress so hopefully won’t have to be involved with that.

phishy · 03/09/2021 16:42

I agree with @Notonthestairs.

Concentrate on leaving your abusive/gaslighting husband and ignore this wedding.

toomuchlaundry · 03/09/2021 16:56

@2bazookas or it could be that the in-laws are toxic if you read the whole thread

billy1966 · 03/09/2021 17:05

Being a bridesmaid is a PITA IMO.

I think a wedding is far more fun as a plain guest.

I think this is a gift.
A real gift.

Enjoy the day and your daughter looking gorgeous.

I have been in this position and felt nothing but relief.

My daughter was the only flower girl and I just loved watching her enjoyment.

Don't allow it to come between you and your SIL, it's so great ye are fond of each other.

Oldbutstillgotit · 03/09/2021 17:06

Bluntness100
“I genuinely can’t understand posts like this and some of th responses. To be so emotionally involved in someone’s wedding, to want to be a bridesmaid so bad and to declare that you’re having a large role in thr wrdding because you’re kids a flower girl, I just can’t even get my head round,

You’re a guest, your child is the flower girl, it’s her wedding, you’re not entitled to be a bridesmaid, she needs to pick those she’s closest to, it’s her wedding and it’s so so not about you.

Please stop making it about you becayse you’re just going to cause even more issues, there’s nothing to be hurt about here. You’re not entitled.”

I don’t always agree with this poster on MN , but this time I 100% do . I have read the thread and am astounded by the number of people saying you should have been included . You have been invited , surely that’s the most important part ?
I also don’t understand why you think you have a large role in the wedding as your DD is a flowergirl . When my 5/6 year old DD was a flower girl at a friend’s wedding , I simply dropped her off at bride’s house to get ready then proudly watched her walking up the aisle.
Yes only thing that would bother me in your case OP is the suggestion of sneakiness.

Eralos · 03/09/2021 17:10

@again2020 are they very loud and out going? You’ve said you’re quieter than them (it doesn’t make it right what she’s done) just thinking a reason why? I can totally see why you’re hurt, but it’s her choice maybe she just thinks she hasn’t boned with you? Do you think you’re close friends?

Oldbutstillgotit · 03/09/2021 17:14

I didn’t read any of your other posts before I posted but I have now . Not being a bridesmaid is the least of your problems 💐

diddl · 03/09/2021 17:15

@phishy

I agree with *@Notonthestairs*.

Concentrate on leaving your abusive/gaslighting husband and ignore this wedding.

If he's abusive, be glad he's not your husband.

Hopefully that will make getting away easier.

Although to a point I can get why this has made you feel shit, if you want out of the relationship then being a bmaid is completely irrelevant.

phishy · 03/09/2021 17:21

Sorry partner not husband!

Astella22 · 03/09/2021 17:36

I really don’t think YABU to be so hurt, to be excluded can rally hurt. I ducking hate the mention of wedding it really brings the bitch out in some brides. If she has a good reason for leaving you out then she would just of said but the secrecy around the fittings tells u all you need to know.
Get a fab dress and book makeup and hair on the day so that ur ‘busy’ so can’t be asked to run around after everyone after all that’s what her bridesmaids are for.