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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Moving in to DP's mortgaged house... who should pay?

291 replies

hollsmoi · 02/09/2021 20:36

I'm shortly due to leave my rental property to move in with DP who already owns a property. The plan is to live together there for a while and if all goes well, we will rent out his place and purchase somewhere together which is more suitable. We are in central London so DP currently rents out one of his bedrooms to a lodger (he makes a lot of profit from this), who will be moving out when I move in.

DP has implied that he expects us to split all outgoings for the house 50/50. Having never moved in to a partner's home, I'm not sure this is right. Without question I will be contributing 50/50 to all of the household bills, council tax, food shop etc. but part of me feels uncomfortable about essentially paying half of his mortgage as 'rent'. AIBU?

Also, when I move in we are needing to covert the spare bedroom to an office space and storage area for me e.g. desks, built in wardrobes and drawers for my things. DP has mentioned when "we" buy these things which again implies 50/50. WIBU to expecting DP to fund this since it's his property and in the event that things didn't work out, he would benefit from them i.e. they'd remain in his property. Thoughts welcome as I'm new to this!

OP posts:

museumum · 03/09/2021 08:13

I don’t understand those who object do much to “paying someone else’s mortgage” - have you never rented? It’s an arrangement with benefits for the renter as well as owner.

I think you should pay an agreed amount (probably half what his lodger paid as you’re sharing a bedroom) and call it rent and he remains responsible for all maintenance/ furniture etc.

ManifestDestinee · 03/09/2021 08:16

I'm in a similar situation, living in DP's house. I pay 50% of bills and get half the food shops. Because my job is WFH (always has been) and DP works full time and then some, I also take care of the vast majority of things in the house. He's happy with the arrangement. Bear in mind his son also lives with us, who is 18, so my paying 50% of the bills plus food I think is fine - as he doesn't contribute, so I could be really arsey and say DP needs to cover his 'share'. But I never have

Delusional. You think you have any right at all to comment about the son...it's his home far more than it is yours, since you're freeloading.

bellabasset · 03/09/2021 08:25

When you're paying rent you're either paying towards a mortgage building an asset or it's interest on a fully owned asset. As you will be saving by living together it seems a good move for you.

Hope all goes well

Chickychickydodah · 03/09/2021 08:33

Sit down with him and work out all the bills for the month and give him half .
Talk to him about it and discuss your concerns, if you can’t do this then don’t move in with him…

Kithic · 03/09/2021 08:44

@HarrietOh

I’m about to do same but no way am I going to pay my DP’s mortgage. I’m giving up my own to move in with him so I’ll bank the money I was paying on my mortgage into savings, ready for when we do pay together. I could pay half this mortgage each month then one day he can throw me out on the street if he wanted. It’s his asset not mine.

So you will be living rent free??

And you see nothing wrong with that?

LemonTT · 03/09/2021 08:48

Unless you are a party to the mortgage agreement you won’t be paying the mortgage. You will be paying rent. That’s a payment made in return for shelter. Nothing to do with paying off a large secured loan.

Crazycrazylady · 03/09/2021 08:54

Honestly you do sound totally unreasonable to me. You are 300 better off each month than you are now and you're 'uncomfortable' with it. I'd tell him to run a mile.

Iwonder08 · 03/09/2021 08:58

I would pay because he is losing the lodger and the money in order to move in with you.

WindyWindsor · 03/09/2021 09:02

I can't really believe some people think you shouldn't contribute towards the mortgage at all

You should definitely contribute and pay "rent" to him. How much I think is dependent on your income compared to his. If you can easily afford 50% then pay 50%. You happily paid someone else's mortgage when you were renting elsewhere, what's the difference?

You also want him to solely pay to kit out an office for you? I honestly would have expected you to buy all the office furniture yourself if you were talking over one of my rooms if I'm honest. You could own the furniture and take it away with you if you were to break up.

LittleMysSister · 03/09/2021 09:20

My DP lives with me in my mortgaged flat.

I pay the mortgage, he pays all the bills.

LittleMysSister · 03/09/2021 09:23

I think it's really unfair when people say you should contribute nothing except a portion of the bills when you move in to a partner's mortgaged home. Why should they have to subsidise you that much, just because they're paying a mortgage?

I think you should speak to him and say you're not comfortable paying half his mortgage, but you would be happy to pay X amount each month, which covers your portion of the bills plus a bit of 'rent'.

toomuchlaundry · 03/09/2021 09:27

What happens to the money you will be saving? Will that be joint savings?

scarpa · 03/09/2021 09:28

I'd pay whatever his lodger was paying, or maybe 1/3 of the mortgage cost - not as 'paying toward the mortgage', but as paying your way for where you live, as you would if you were renting, with you paying a smaller amount to reflect the fact that it's not your asset.

And the spare room furniture - YABU. You should pay for that, because it's for you, and in the event you did split why wouldn't you take that furniture with you, surely you'd take any other furniture you moved in with? If you did split and moved out, would he keep that room as an office and does he want the furniture you're choosing? Unless the answer is yes, I think you're being VU there.

LittleMysSister · 03/09/2021 09:29

@Hekatestorch

Oh and I have never got the 'why should you pay part of his mortgage' argument.

Why should an adult live rent free?

Agree.

Also stunned at how many people would be happy to take advantage of their partner in this way. I would not be happy to just give my partner £150 or whatever towards my 'half' of the bills when I knew he was paying over a £1000 himself every month for the roof over our heads.

Half of the bills, to me, is what you would offer a mate who was letting you stay temporarily, not a partner who you're moving in with permanently, even if you plan to move house eventually.

NoSquirrels · 03/09/2021 09:29

So you’ll save money by moving in with him, a d he will lose money by you moving in with him.

In this scenario, regardless of the ownership of the flat, you should become equal in how much it costs you both to live together.

If you’re the property owner, the advice is always to make sure the ‘rent’ payments are not ‘mortgage’ payments. So up to your DP if he calls it something different. And if you’re intending to buy a place together in the future but this flat remains his then I wouldn’t muddy the ownership waters if I were him.

But yes - he shouldn’t be worse off by you moving in if you can afford to pay your share. And definitely go 50-50 on the fittings. They’re for your benefit primarily and they’re really not going to improve the property so significantly it adds value - it’s not a kitchen extension, it’s a fitted wardrobe.

FlowerArranger · 03/09/2021 09:31

You pay whatever rent the lodger paid, minus a friendly discount - to be determined in discussion with your DP.

You pay a share of utilities, council tax and food etc in proportion to each of your net earnings. For instance, if you take home 40% vs his 60%, you only pay 40%.

You pay for whatever furniture you need for your home office. Free-standing, not built in, so you can take it with you if things don't work out.

And make sure you don't become the housekeeper, chief cook, cleaner etc.

TractorAndHeadphones · 03/09/2021 09:32

@CarrotTops

Or you could look at it that he clearly has a mortgage that he can't afford and he needs to find someone to pay it. Moves in his girlfriend so she pays half, ultimately the more he pays off on his mortgage the better the house he'll be able to own in the future.

He could just move in a succession of girlfriends to pay his mortgage. It should be a mutually beneficial. What is the mortgage, what is the rent on a room? What can OP afford? These are all questions you need to answer before just a flat out half. What's the difference between the two incomes?

Say mortgage is 1000, room is 500. Op paying 250 means they both save about 250 each. You say 'we will do this for x months, if all good after x months we will get a place together and rent this/sell this'

That’s why he had a lodger. Did you even read the OP’s post?

Worldgonecrazy · 03/09/2021 09:35

It should only be 50/50 if you both earn the same. Otherwise ratio it to your earnings, so if one partner earns twice the other, bills and outgoings would be split roughly 66/33 and so on, likewise spare money should also be shared. There are so many threads on the relay boards where the lower earner (usually the woman) is scrimping and going without to provide for the children while the higher earner indulges themselves with what they regard as ‘their money’.

That is the fair way to do it in a relationship, by ratio. You are a partnership not a business and each should give according to means.

If you took a year or two out to raise a family and had little income would he still expect you to pay half? If so, the hills are that way —> start running

leakymcleakleak · 03/09/2021 09:35

Is there a compromise whereby you don't pay towards the capital repayments?

So, work out what his interest repayments on the mortgage are every month. Pay half that, and half the other bills. The rest of the amount you 'save' and put into an account that is in your name but will count towards a joint deposit in future assuming you stay together. Yes, he'll 'lose out' a bit from not having the lodger but you'll both gain from having the house to yourselves/being able to wander around in a towel/etc etc. Also, if you decide to do some intensive saving after a year or so you could always get a lodger back again.

The thing I think people miss is that living together for the first time is generally a trial. Yes you're committed, but sometimes things don't work out. If you're married, the court tries to work out what's fair, but if your'e not I think you need to treat every stage with consideration given to 'what would be fair if we split up next month? Next year? In 5 years?'

For lots of people contributing to someone else's mortgage means they aren't saving for a deposit for their own which they would do if still single/if with someone who didn't already own a house. With my now DH, when we first lived together I earned more than him, we rented, and the deal was we split all the bills including rent but I bought all the furniture outright and tried to save a chunk of the difference in our income so if we split, that would be mine, if we didn't it would officially become 'ours'. We now have totally joint finances but it was a staggered process: sometimes advise is given here like it doesn't make a difference whether you've been together a decade or are just moving from dating to trying out living together.

sbhydrogen · 03/09/2021 09:37

I can never understand why people are happy to pay a landlord's mortgage for years on end but then not be prepared to contribute to a loved one's mortgage even when it means they'll be financially better off.

Hear, hear!

I'd get an Idea PAX wardrobe and make it fitted by adding architraves and decorators caulk. That way you can take it with you if you ever split.

leakymcleakleak · 03/09/2021 09:37

@Worldgonecrazy

That is the fair way to do it in a relationship, by ratio. You are a partnership not a business and each should give according to means.

If you took a year or two out to raise a family and had little income would he still expect you to pay half? If so, the hills are that way —> start running

See I don't understand this - they're not partners yet in the way I understand it. Two independent adults just starting to live together are still trying each other out. If you've been together for five years, lived together for three, are committed to each other but have agreed you don't want marriage then yes, that's probably a fair way to do it. But early in a relationship, starting to live together to in part see if you're compatible, with no kids.... I think the 'ratio' way of doing it implies a much higher level of commitment than is right to expect from either party.

Worldgonecrazy · 03/09/2021 09:39

Also ditto to what @FlowerArranger said about not becoming the cleaner. I think there is a biological / evolutionary urge within women to prove what a good potential mate we are by demonstrating our nest / cave/mud hut / house keeping skills by initially taking on all the cleaning and cooking , and before you know it you end up in the role permanently.

idontlikealdi · 03/09/2021 09:40

He should rent the other room out and you rent somewhere together split 50/50.

Katiebee008 · 03/09/2021 09:43

So you're happy to pay your current landlords mortgage and provide a profit, but not happy to split your partners mortgage cost?

LittleMysSister · 03/09/2021 09:48

See I don't understand this - they're not partners yet in the way I understand it. Two independent adults just starting to live together are still trying each other out.

I'd say usually people are pretty solid by the point of moving in together. It might not work out in the long-term, but they have likely still been together a while before even making this move.

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