DH 'too busy' for housework

[Terriblyterriblybusy]

DH is still working from home, and is often 'too busy' to clear away any of his lunchtime dishes or unload the dishwasher from the overnight wash.

This means I have to do it when I get home from my (also) very busy day at work.

I wouldn't mind if he was genuinely busy but I came home to a shithole today; DH had been to the supermarket to buy himself lunch and left evidence of it everywhere, while I had actually given up my lunch break in order to do a family shop at the supermarket.

I've now arrived home with the children, and he has hidden away in his office, leaving me to clear up his mess and do all the evening duties while he is 'too busy' and must continue working.

I know I am not BU in hoping that he can at least clear up after himself, but I have no idea how to broach it without basically accusing him of lying. What should I do?

Think it's great you've had it out with him but honestly - his life has to start getting a bit harder if it's going to 'stick', cause and effect type thing. At the moment your work is hidden, because you're just doing it. He'll notice how much you do when it stops. The type of thing I mean:

• if you wash his clothes/iron them - stop.
• lunch rubbish left in kitchen/plates etc? - no probs - return them to his desk
• he leaves you off a drinks round and returns empty handed? DH can I have a glass of wine please?

Basically actions have consequences - only he's not feeling them yet. No need to be passive aggressive about it, I'm not suggesting you slam plates on his desk - but calmly compile them and return to him.

Because clearing up and house jobs don't actually just happen - and he needs to see this.

And what he actually means by 'busy' is - I'm not prioritizing this because I've other stuff that I'd rather do instead. Like have a break and nip to the shops for a takeout lunch. No shit, we'd all rather do that than chores!

@Nayday you're quite right, I don't think he is even aware of a lot of the stuff I do.

I genuinely don't think he treats me like shit on purpose; he is a beloved son whose mother used to make a 90-minute round trip weekly to pick up, clean, press and fold his laundry. He just doesn't realise that I don't want to do the same.

Did his Mum work full time too? While doing the lion's share with her son's kids too?

Sometimes people don't realise that while they weren't paying attention, they became the Mum and Dad, with the Mum and Dad's responsibilities, in the generation and times they live in, not their parents, and it's up to them to step up and grow up.

But don’t let this be the 6 monthly outburst you have. Where he goes meek. And is a bit better for a month. Then you rage inside for 5 months and then explode.

I would send an email repeating what you’ve said calmly and ask for him to come up with some solutions for you both as a couple. Because you are feeling close to the end of your tether.

In writing. And his in writing back.

@Terriblyterriblybusy. I am so proud of you. That was very hard for you and you've done a fantastic job. So now, firm but fair, assertive not aggressive, no backsliding.
I feel like a mamma bird watching her chick getting ready to fly.

Oh and if he can’t stick to that. Just disengage and leave when the kids are 18- that’s what most people seem to do

@Excelthetube

Oh and if he can’t stick to that. Just disengage and leave when the kids are 18- that’s what most people seem to do

Oh my goodness, how easily can I picture that..moving back to England and living a disgraceful and utterly blissful old age just pleasing myself

Where are you living now, TerriblyTerribly? Don't answer if you don't want!

Only in France... Just up the road really

Is he French!!?

@GintyMcGinty

Leave it for him to do.

He is a grown up and you are not his cleaner or housekeeper. Everytime you pick up after him you give him permission to keep treating you like this.

Ha! This doesn't work. If someone acts like a slob and has no problem leaving shit everywhere, not cleaning it up won't do much as they won't notice

It's hard because op doesn't want to leave things unfinished etc. Her DH doesn't care to do it. Just really have to spell it out for him, but even then, sometimes you still don't see results. Just infuriating

LOL, so relatively easy to relocate if need be. . . what would be his response if you told him that you were seriously contemplating the long term future of your relationship if he doesn't reach into the pantry and grab a can of harden the fuck up and do a significant amount more of his fair share of day to day adulting and parenting?

My main reason for working full time is exactly to be too busy to do housework.

I do tidy up after myself, I am an adult.

Just leave it. And the laundry. And the housework. And you definitely don't have time for sex.

Be really careful OP. You will get into a pattern of him changing for a few weeks and then sliding back into his old ways, you'll seethe for a while, kick him up the arse, he'll step up for a while... rinse and repeat until all of a sudden 10 years have gone by.

Are you financially independent? If not I'd start to work towards that as a priority.

@1forAll74

It's not masses of mess to be cleared up. The dishwasher tales always make me laugh, as though it's a 10 hour job to do. I would do all the clearing up of things myself, as it's quicker and better than telling people to do all the mundane things.

Blimey.

So the people you live with are too important to attend to mundane things ... but both they & you think you are not?

Why are you accepting that?

@Terriblyterriblybusy

He does do childcare work - he puts them to bed every other evening, and gets them dressed every morning. It could be a lot worse

That's not childcare work, that's parenting

I told him that it was frankly embarrassing that the last time we had friends round for drinks, he got up to grab a new round from the kitchen, for everyone except for me, and I had to pretend like I didn't want a drink anyway.

This is absolutely awful.

You have way bigger problems than him just not cleaning up after himself. You have become an invisible irrelevance to him.

Buy a big plastic box. Label it "DH's dirty shit that he's too important to clean up". Put everything in there. Clothes, plates, food left lying around. Stop doing stuff/cooking for him. Tell him you'll only start again when the box is empty and he's doing his share.

Many couples have a housework imbalance but expecting someone else to clean up your crap is a step too far. Think about the message it sends to your DC about your respective roles in the family.

Did I mention that we eat his favourite food every week, prepared by me, yet if I want my favourite food, I have to prepare and eat it alone?

Why oh why? Stop preparing it. Eat your favourite food twice a week.

I told him that it was frankly embarrassing that the last time we had friends round for drinks, he got up to grab a new round from the kitchen, for everyone except for me, and I had to pretend like I didn't want a drink anyway.

This one's easily dealt with. Just grab his drink and say "That's for me, is it? Thanks".

I'm actually finding this quite sad now OP. He clearly has no respect or care for you. I bet he'd say he loves you loads, you're the light of his world etc, but he doesn't think about you at all does he? DH got up 15 minutes earlier than me this morning to feed the pets and make the tea. We take it in turns. Because it's nice to have those few minutes extra in bed and a tea made for you.

It never ends. Even if you get him to tidy up and wash up, he'll do a crappy half hearted, passive aggressive job of it and you'll have to go back and do it properly. It comes down to differences in standards and respect to for you

I imagine this is a very unhappy home for the adults and children alike.

A father that has done bugger all for 7 years
A mother who is deeply resentful, angry and unhappy of the situation and yet continues to make morning tea and cook food that he likes and eats alone the food she likes etc etc like a martyr.

Not a happy home. And for 7 years.