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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH 'too busy' for housework

176 replies

Terriblyterriblybusy · 02/09/2021 16:35

DH is still working from home, and is often 'too busy' to clear away any of his lunchtime dishes or unload the dishwasher from the overnight wash.

This means I have to do it when I get home from my (also) very busy day at work.

I wouldn't mind if he was genuinely busy but I came home to a shithole today; DH had been to the supermarket to buy himself lunch and left evidence of it everywhere, while I had actually given up my lunch break in order to do a family shop at the supermarket.

I've now arrived home with the children, and he has hidden away in his office, leaving me to clear up his mess and do all the evening duties while he is 'too busy' and must continue working.

I know I am not BU in hoping that he can at least clear up after himself, but I have no idea how to broach it without basically accusing him of lying. What should I do?

OP posts:
MadinMarch · 02/09/2021 18:06

This is an excellent post from @ ChargingBuck
*Shame on you OP, for not recognising the superior nature of his ManJob, & rushing home to massage his poor feet, which must be sore from all that pottering around creating mess in the kitchen.

It's outrageous that he thinks he's busier than you.
That his time is somehow more valuable, & you will skivvy for him when you get home from your own busy job, plus (I'm presuming) collecting kids as you have said you've just arrived home with them to clear up yet another mess he's left for you.

If you've tried talking to him & he's blithely ignoring you, you need to start demonstrating how much his arrogant behaviour is pissing you off. Pick up his dishes & mess & put them on his desk.
When he - inevitably - kicks off about that, tell him you are too busy to be his maidservant, & he needs to shape up & start respecting your time in the same way he expects you to respect his.

He's not too busy.
He just doesn't want to do housework or childcare.
If he were genuinely busy, he could start earlier in the day, leaving himself enough time to tidy up his own mess & actually participate in family life in the evenings.

You need to go a bit batshit at him OP. His entitlement is deeply unattractive - tell him so.*

I think he needs to find a time to clear up that suits you both equally. Otherwise you'll still be coming home to a dirty kitchen, and resentment will continue to grow.
Can you suggest that he tidies up the breakfast things you've all used in the morning BEFORE he starts work, and that he also makes himself lunch at this time, so doesn't need to make a mess in the kitchen at lunchtime?
You really need to stand up for yourself, and get as angry as he does when you try to discuss it with him. Stop shopping in your lunchbreaks- especially as he has time to go to the shops in his working day. He really is doing a number on you, and treating you as his skivvy.

phishy · 02/09/2021 18:07

@Terriblyterriblybusy

No the camel's back hasn't broken. I'll wallow for a while then pick myself up and get on with it.

And the reason I make his coffee is because I'm a nice person, and I think it's nice to do thoughtful things for people, not just him.

So why are you wasting our time with this?
HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 02/09/2021 18:07

You’ve mentioned a lot of things however you’re enabling him and being a martyr about it!

arethereanyleftatall · 02/09/2021 18:08

@EmeraldDiamondBeryl

Do all you bitches making comments like "martyr" and Sorry OP your latest post is embarrassing. I hope you don’t have daughters watching this debacle. And I tell me daughters (as I was told) to avoid men raised by mother in laws like you. Sounds harsh. But true.

Feel good about your nasty little selves?

I think you've misunderstood why those types of comments are made. The op is getting completely trampled on by her husband. It's clear from subsequent posts that she's learnt to just shove her own feelings and happiness to the bottom of the pile and struggle on. I think these comments are made in a - cruel to be kind - fashion. Ie an attempt to make the op understand when the softly softly approach clearly doesn't get heard.
Guineapigbridge · 02/09/2021 18:08

I'm nobody's bitch, except my own.
Yass Queen! I love this!

Chicchicchicchiclana · 02/09/2021 18:09

When my dd was about 13 and kept leaving plates lying around I put them on her pillow. She quickly got the message.

Haywirecity · 02/09/2021 18:11

@Terriblyterriblybusy

No the camel's back hasn't broken. I'll wallow for a while then pick myself up and get on with it.

And the reason I make his coffee is because I'm a nice person, and I think it's nice to do thoughtful things for people, not just him.

But every time you do something nice for him, he takes it as confirmation that he doesn't have to do anything. Now, unlike most people on here, I have no problem if you like to take care of him and clean up after him. That's certainly what you've been telling him. But if that's the case, why are you coming on here moaning about him?

Think of it this way. If you have a dog and you tell it not to jump on the settee but it ignores you and does it anyway and you say OK and stroke it. Is it the dogs fault that it keeps jumping on the settee? Your words say one thing, but your actions say another. Be consistent. Follow through. Great dog training. Great husband training.

Pissinthepottyplease · 02/09/2021 18:11

@Terriblyterriblybusy

He does do childcare work - he puts them to bed every other evening, and gets them dressed every morning. It could be a lot worse
‘It could be worse’ is not the standard if relationship I expect - what do you think you deserve?
Baboutheocelot · 02/09/2021 18:11

Take all his dirty lunch dishes and put them in his office. Every single time.

Terriblyterriblybusy · 02/09/2021 18:11

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Chicchicchicchiclana · 02/09/2021 18:13

And when I lived in a shared house and a flat mate and her non-resident friend went on holiday leaving the remants from their cooked lunch in the kitchen and their dirty plates on the living room floor I did the same thing for her to come back to after a week away. Don't be shy of making your feelings clear.

mbosnz · 02/09/2021 18:13

Good on you! Also, it doesn't have to be an argument, (once he gets over the shock of his male entitlement being challenged), it can be a dialogue.

proudwomansexmatters · 02/09/2021 18:15

@Terriblyterriblybusy

Wait until he finishes work then ask help to clean kitchen down and empty dishwasher. If he can’t spare 5m lunch break then don’t waste yours either. When he appears hand him kids and say they need tea cooking and all dishes are in dishwasher oh and I’m off Tesco as I was to busy lunch time.

I sincerely wish I could, but his time management skills are lacking; they would end up in bed two hours late with a belly full of McDonald's if I left him to it

Maybe you need to do this for a week. It won't hurt the kids to end up with McDs every night for a week.

It will hurt your husband to have to deal with tired children and a dwindling pocket of cash due to his ineptitude.

Don't be a martyr. Make him see how Shjt he is

Haywirecity · 02/09/2021 18:20

@Terriblyterriblybusy
"I've decided I'm going to challenge him on things that are quantifiable. We can argue about who is busier until the cows come home, but he can't argue about certain things (eg dog walks, tea making, cooking, meal planning, bathroom, favourite dinner making). I'll see how I get on with that."

Perfect. You have a strategy. Remember your weakness is you can be too nice so you must remain consistent. Use 'the look' and 'the eyebrow' if he tries to get away with stuff. The regime is not just for Christmas, it's for life. 😉😁

Antsinyourpanta · 02/09/2021 18:21

I'm hearing you. My DH has a leisurely shower and makes himself a cooked breakfast before going to work each morning, often leaving plate and cutlery on the table and always leaving frying pan and half a cup of tea. Today (while washing up) I asked him to put the recycling out but he couldnt because he only had x minutes to get the train!!

He sometimes says he will clear up or wash up "later" but I cant wait that long!

thelastgoldeneagle · 02/09/2021 18:22

What a selfish twat!! Tell him you're too busy to clear up too, and what does he suggest?

phishy · 02/09/2021 18:25

@Terriblyterriblybusy you’re directing your anger at the wrong person. But if it’s making you take action at last, then you’re welcome to swear at me.

Cyw2018 · 02/09/2021 18:26

[quote Haywirecity]@Terriblyterriblybusy
"I've decided I'm going to challenge him on things that are quantifiable. We can argue about who is busier until the cows come home, but he can't argue about certain things (eg dog walks, tea making, cooking, meal planning, bathroom, favourite dinner making). I'll see how I get on with that."

Perfect. You have a strategy. Remember your weakness is you can be too nice so you must remain consistent. Use 'the look' and 'the eyebrow' if he tries to get away with stuff. The regime is not just for Christmas, it's for life. 😉😁[/quote]
Eek! Don't mention Christmas, that is clearly going to be entirely OP responsibility!

Rainbowsew · 02/09/2021 18:27

I voted yabu because you don't HAVE to clear up after him.

Leave him to do his own. On your way out tomorrow/next week say that if he's going to supermarket for lunch stuff he can pick up the groceries too.

Stop enabling him and if he is "too busy" for house stuff in the day so are you...

SunshineCake · 02/09/2021 18:27

Stop clearing up after him.

Be too busy to have sex, watch tv with him, etc.

Or just tell him to stop being a twat and start being a functional, pleasant to be around adult.

Mydogmylife · 02/09/2021 18:28

@Terriblyterriblybusy

No the camel's back hasn't broken. I'll wallow for a while then pick myself up and get on with it.

And the reason I make his coffee is because I'm a nice person, and I think it's nice to do thoughtful things for people, not just him.

Yes it is nice to do things for people - WHEN THEY APPRECIATE IT !!!!!! Stop being a complete wet rag and expect things to change, why should they when he continues to have everything just the way he likes it? What type of behaviour are you modelling for you children for heavens sake!! What's the old Einstein saying ' the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results' -this is where you are now
Kuachui · 02/09/2021 18:35

I accidentally put yabu but yanbu.... He's selfish

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 02/09/2021 18:39

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Eeiliethya · 02/09/2021 18:41

I'd go fucking mad the lazy bastard.

Eeiliethya · 02/09/2021 18:43

I'd start to pile the dishes outside of his office door.

He is a grown man. I WFH in a senior position and I still have time to make sure I don't leave the house a shit tip each day.

It's not that he "doesn't have time" and more likely he "can't be arsed".

Don't let him get away with this, makes my blood boil when men think we are their personal butler service. Hell to the fuck no.