DH 'too busy' for housework

[Terriblyterriblybusy]

DH is still working from home, and is often 'too busy' to clear away any of his lunchtime dishes or unload the dishwasher from the overnight wash.

This means I have to do it when I get home from my (also) very busy day at work.

I wouldn't mind if he was genuinely busy but I came home to a shithole today; DH had been to the supermarket to buy himself lunch and left evidence of it everywhere, while I had actually given up my lunch break in order to do a family shop at the supermarket.

I've now arrived home with the children, and he has hidden away in his office, leaving me to clear up his mess and do all the evening duties while he is 'too busy' and must continue working.

I know I am not BU in hoping that he can at least clear up after himself, but I have no idea how to broach it without basically accusing him of lying. What should I do?

@MurielSpriggs

Get a cleaner.

There are not enough 🙄 in the world for this suggestion.

Unless you’re suggesting a live-in 24/7 house-keeper? Which, I’m assuming, if the OP could afford that, she’d already have it?

Leave him to it. That removes half the negative atmosphere. Go for a walk, go for a drink, go to a movie, go for a drive - leave him to it.

(Re the dishwasher, my daughters have learned the hard way that the longer they leave the kitchen, the bigger the job that they will still have to do, when they do get to it. And they don't just empty the dishwasher, they have to reload the dishwasher, and do the hand washing, drying, putting away, and wipe down the benches. Is your H so inferior to a teenaged girl that he can't manage that? Oh, and they have to do it before they leave for school. Or it's waiting for them when they come home. . . and boy howdy has the job grown by then!)

I have the same situation and it drives me MAD. Luckily DH is going back to the office a few days a week soon, I’m not sure I could deal with it much longer.

How does he show you love?

He likes to buy lots and lots of presents. The other day he gave me some fancy pâté all wrapped up in plastic. I rarely eat meat, and I avoid single-use packaging. He buys shit tons of stuff and leaves it laying around for me to tidy up and lament over the mass of needless resources and waste that he's dumped on me. I've told him this and he continues to do it.

But of course I get to do all the birthday-party-present buying, school stuff buying etc, because apparently I really enjoy it.

Did I mention that we eat his favourite food every week, prepared by me, yet if I want my favourite food, I have to prepare and eat it alone?

Did I mention that I make him a coffee whenever I have time in the morning, yet he has probably made me less than 5 cups of tea in a decade?

Did I mention that he has only walked his OWN FUCKING dog (whom I love dearly) twice in a decade? I walk him, I brush him, I take him to the vets myself.

Op
You don’t like him
Let alone love him

Baffled

@Terriblyterriblybusy

He does do childcare work - he puts them to bed every other evening, and gets them dressed every morning. It could be a lot worse

Listen to yourself. You both work. He couldn’t do much less if he tried.

Did I mention that we eat his favourite food every week, prepared by me, yet if I want my favourite food, I have to prepare and eat it alone?

Did I mention that I make him a coffee whenever I have time in the morning, yet he has probably made me less than 5 cups of tea in a decade?

Martyr

What was that article? Something like 'She left me because I left a Cup in the Sink'?

Start to reciprocate.

Don’t do his laundry or buy groceries. Don’t send his sister/mum/nephew a birthday card. Don’t have his favourite brand of mouthwash or teabags in. Don’t iron his work shirts and don’t cook.

You’re being taken for a bloody mug.

@Terriblyterriblybusy

How does he show you love?

He likes to buy lots and lots of presents. The other day he gave me some fancy pâté all wrapped up in plastic. I rarely eat meat, and I avoid single-use packaging. He buys shit tons of stuff and leaves it laying around for me to tidy up and lament over the mass of needless resources and waste that he's dumped on me. I've told him this and he continues to do it.

But of course I get to do all the birthday-party-present buying, school stuff buying etc, because apparently I really enjoy it.

Did I mention that we eat his favourite food every week, prepared by me, yet if I want my favourite food, I have to prepare and eat it alone?

Did I mention that I make him a coffee whenever I have time in the morning, yet he has probably made me less than 5 cups of tea in a decade?

Did I mention that he has only walked his OWN FUCKING dog (whom I love dearly) twice in a decade? I walk him, I brush him, I take him to the vets myself.

Well STOP DOING IT.

@Terriblyterriblybusy

How does he show you love?

He likes to buy lots and lots of presents. The other day he gave me some fancy pâté all wrapped up in plastic. I rarely eat meat, and I avoid single-use packaging. He buys shit tons of stuff and leaves it laying around for me to tidy up and lament over the mass of needless resources and waste that he's dumped on me. I've told him this and he continues to do it.

But of course I get to do all the birthday-party-present buying, school stuff buying etc, because apparently I really enjoy it.

Did I mention that we eat his favourite food every week, prepared by me, yet if I want my favourite food, I have to prepare and eat it alone?

Did I mention that I make him a coffee whenever I have time in the morning, yet he has probably made me less than 5 cups of tea in a decade?

Did I mention that he has only walked his OWN FUCKING dog (whom I love dearly) twice in a decade? I walk him, I brush him, I take him to the vets myself.

OP - why are you putting up with this?

This is heartbreaking - I've told him this and he continues to do it. - he simply doesn't see you as an equal adult with her own agency. And you are buying into it by allowing it to continue.

How - HOW? - has it never occurred to you to at least stop making all this coffee for him, when he never makes you one? Why are you performing these small acts of service for zero reciprocation?

He's shown you who he is for many years now.
Why not believe him, keep the beloved dog, & divorce this man who thinks you are his servant?

Stop doing it all and start standing up for yourself
And start setting a better example to your children

@Terriblyterriblybusy

How does he show you love?

He likes to buy lots and lots of presents. The other day he gave me some fancy pâté all wrapped up in plastic. I rarely eat meat, and I avoid single-use packaging. He buys shit tons of stuff and leaves it laying around for me to tidy up and lament over the mass of needless resources and waste that he's dumped on me. I've told him this and he continues to do it.

But of course I get to do all the birthday-party-present buying, school stuff buying etc, because apparently I really enjoy it.

Did I mention that we eat his favourite food every week, prepared by me, yet if I want my favourite food, I have to prepare and eat it alone?

Did I mention that I make him a coffee whenever I have time in the morning, yet he has probably made me less than 5 cups of tea in a decade?

Did I mention that he has only walked his OWN FUCKING dog (whom I love dearly) twice in a decade? I walk him, I brush him, I take him to the vets myself.

Why??

Why do you do all this for no reward, for someone who treats you with such disregard?

Has the camel's back just broken?

No the camel's back hasn't broken. I'll wallow for a while then pick myself up and get on with it.

And the reason I make his coffee is because I'm a nice person, and I think it's nice to do thoughtful things for people, not just him.

Tomorrow, pick the children up from school (if that's what you normally do), leave them at the front door and go to a hotel for the weekend.

Don't answer the phone when he calls. Send him one text saying you can no longer live like this and he has the weekend to think about it. Go back Sunday evening. If he isn't contrite and apologetic, file for divorce on Monday.

@Terriblyterriblybusy

No the camel's back hasn't broken. I'll wallow for a while then pick myself up and get on with it.

And the reason I make his coffee is because I'm a nice person, and I think it's nice to do thoughtful things for people, not just him.

There is no moral virtue in enabling and rewarding people for treating you poorly.

Why on Earth haven't you divorced him?

OP you have mug written over your forehead.

Do all you bitches making comments like "martyr" and Sorry OP your latest post is embarrassing. I hope you don’t have daughters watching this debacle. And I tell me daughters (as I was told) to avoid men raised by mother in laws like you. Sounds harsh. But true.

Feel good about your nasty little selves?

I just wrote a post about dumping his stuff in his office at the end of each day so he mouldered in his own crap. I was hugely sympathetic. But then I read all your posts and I've lost sympathy.

He leaves his crap on the corner of the table, he doesn't empty the dishwasher, he doesn't fold laundry, he doesn't clean the bathroom. Why would he when you just let him get away with it? He creates a bad atmosphere and you give way. Get a backbone and tell him how it's going to be. You don't have to aggressive or rude. Just be matter of fact and resolute. If he won't fold laundry, don't do his washing or ironing. If he leaves crap around, stick it in his office. If he won't empty the dishwasher, don't make his tea or unplug the dishwasher and get him to do the dishes by hand. If he won't do the bathroom, down tools and refuse to do anything. He's a lazy arse and you're a soft touch. Time to kick ass.

I've found it quite useful, when someone has been getting a little bit cavalier about the little things that show you matter to them, is to stop doing them for them. So, not offering a cuppa when I get one. Then when they ask me about it, then I point out the disparity and why I stopped.

I try to be a nice person, but I'm nobody's bitch, except my own.

Does he have a 12 inch golden penis?

There is not enough orgasms in the world to make me live with a man like this.

I used to put all the crap my children left lying around the house on their beds, including their dirty plates/dishes etc. They learned to deal with them. I suggest you put his on his desk.