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Original poster

DH 'too busy' for housework

176 replies

Terriblyterriblybusy · 02/09/2021 16:35

DH is still working from home, and is often 'too busy' to clear away any of his lunchtime dishes or unload the dishwasher from the overnight wash.

This means I have to do it when I get home from my (also) very busy day at work.

I wouldn't mind if he was genuinely busy but I came home to a shithole today; DH had been to the supermarket to buy himself lunch and left evidence of it everywhere, while I had actually given up my lunch break in order to do a family shop at the supermarket.

I've now arrived home with the children, and he has hidden away in his office, leaving me to clear up his mess and do all the evening duties while he is 'too busy' and must continue working.

I know I am not BU in hoping that he can at least clear up after himself, but I have no idea how to broach it without basically accusing him of lying. What should I do?

OP posts:
DogFoodPie · 02/09/2021 17:23

By get angry back in my last post I don't necessarily mean shouting or even putting his stuff in his office. Just not taking any shit and letting it go because he gets angry.

Marni83 · 02/09/2021 17:24

I read your thread

And made me so so so so so so happy

Thanks I’m a single parent

Therealjudgejudy · 02/09/2021 17:25

He gets angry at you when you ask him to clean up after himself??

I cant understand why you are putting up with this. I hope you dont have daughters that are witnessing this nonsense

ChargingBuck · 02/09/2021 17:27

Shame on you OP, for not recognising the superior nature of his ManJob, & rushing home to massage his poor feet, which must be sore from all that pottering around creating mess in the kitchen.

It's outrageous that he thinks he's busier than you.
That his time is somehow more valuable, & you will skivvy for him when you get home from your own busy job, plus (I'm presuming) collecting kids as you have said you've just arrived home with them to clear up yet another mess he's left for you.

If you've tried talking to him & he's blithely ignoring you, you need to start demonstrating how much his arrogant behaviour is pissing you off. Pick up his dishes & mess & put them on his desk.
When he - inevitably - kicks off about that, tell him you are too busy to be his maidservant, & he needs to shape up & start respecting your time in the same way he expects you to respect his.

He's not too busy.
He just doesn't want to do housework or childcare.
If he were genuinely busy, he could start earlier in the day, leaving himself enough time to tidy up his own mess & actually participate in family life in the evenings.

You need to go a bit batshit at him OP. His entitlement is deeply unattractive - tell him so.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/09/2021 17:27

Your children are watching you skivvy for him and martyr yourself to his ego and his massively important fucking job while running yourself ragged.

If you don’t want them repeating this behaviour in their own future relationships then stop it.

cushioncovers · 02/09/2021 17:28

Sounds like you have a man child at home. You know what you need to say to him. Whether he will listen or change his behaviour only time will tell. Are you afraid to have an argument or a frank discussion with him op?

LimeRedBanana · 02/09/2021 17:29

Oh God, another one of These Threads.

Feckless men children, and women too timid / seemingly scared of them to raise it, and/or do anything about it.

Time for my daily DH appreciation reminder.

Brindisi32 · 02/09/2021 17:29

Take photos of any mess he’s left, plaster across social media with captions of his lazy, arrogant, lame ass excuses. It takes a few mins to clear up meal debris and wipe down the surface, it’s not strenuous or difficult. And no, it’s not alright he leaves the pile to clean up when he feels like it, it’s unhygienic. Also if he had the time and energy to go to the shop for his wee lunch then he could’ve got a few bits of household shopping. Does he want his bottom wiping too? Get angry, stand your ground OP. Mumsnet is with you in spirit!!

mbosnz · 02/09/2021 17:31

It takes 10 minutes to empty the dishwasher. He can do that BEFORE he starts his big important job.

There is no excuse for cleaning up your lunch mess. It's part of your lunch time.

If that's all he's required to do, he's got fuck all excuse, he's being lazy and entitled. Don't get apologetic, get mad as fucking hell.

EmeraldDiamondBeryl · 02/09/2021 17:32

How old are the kids? Because unless they're under 5, surely they don't need help getting dressed? So putting them to bed every other night and getting them dressed is fuck all.

HalzTangz · 02/09/2021 17:33

I WFH but I still find the odd 5 minutes to sort the dishwasher, clean away lunch dishes, even hang out washing.

Your husband has time as he's entitled to breaks during his working day, he just chooses not too (which puts him in the bone idle lazy category)

Parker231 · 02/09/2021 17:33

How long has he carried on like this? If it’s a while, why haven’t you stopped the rot earlier. If you both work full time, parenting and household I’d 50:50.
Does he organise DC’s dentist appointments, buy their school shoes, buy and wrap presents for family and parties DC’s go to, organise getting the washing machine repaired etc?

Marni83 · 02/09/2021 17:34

Take this out of the question and how’s your marriage

Someone like this I suspect is shit in other areas

juliej00ls · 02/09/2021 17:35

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

Whilst you are not there yet it’s hard to feel the love when someone refuses to meet you even half way. I wouldn’t bother arguing just ask him where he thinks this will end. It’s the little things that count.

LemonWeb · 02/09/2021 17:35

All those posters saying “do nothing”: the consequences of this are living in a dirty house. If a man doesn’t feel like doing the dishes and picking up his socks then there’s little you can do, short of divorce, if you don’t want to live like that. So we clean up. Sad

cookingisoverrated · 02/09/2021 17:36

Dump it all on his desk.

all of it

Tell him you work just as hard as he does plus deal with the children around your job more than he does and he can now stop being an entitled twat and do his share. He's not helping you or pitching in. He's a grown up who needs to do his share at home instead of trying to dump it all on you.

PleasantBirthday · 02/09/2021 17:36

@Parker231

How long has he carried on like this? If it’s a while, why haven’t you stopped the rot earlier. If you both work full time, parenting and household I’d 50:50. Does he organise DC’s dentist appointments, buy their school shoes, buy and wrap presents for family and parties DC’s go to, organise getting the washing machine repaired etc?
In fairness, she's not there to parent him. He should have sorted out the rot himself, but didn't. Another job he just couldn't be bothered doing that isn't anyone else's responsibility to pick up and rectify for him.
Original poster
Terriblyterriblybusy · 02/09/2021 17:37

Now that his pride is wounded, he's attempting to do everything himself - baths and dinner. As expected, he's so late getting them in the bath (it's 6.30pm here) and hasn't even started dinner, that my poor poor children are going to be at least an hour late to bed, and both have been crying because they can feel the negative atmosphere.

Did I also mention that when he goes to bed before me, if there's any washing to be folded (and left on the bed where I normally fold it) he pushes it on to my side and gets into bed?

Also, did I mention that he hasn't cleaned the bathroom in 7 years?

OP posts:
LimeRedBanana · 02/09/2021 17:38

@LemonWeb

All those posters saying “do nothing”: the consequences of this are living in a dirty house. If a man doesn’t feel like doing the dishes and picking up his socks then there’s little you can do, short of divorce, if you don’t want to live like that. So we clean up. Sad
God that’s so depressing.

The man actually pulling his weight is obviously completely unthinkable.

I don’t understand how you can have a loving, intimate relationship with someone who cares so little for you that they treat you like a skivvy.

DrSbaitso · 02/09/2021 17:38

@Terriblyterriblybusy

Now that his pride is wounded, he's attempting to do everything himself - baths and dinner. As expected, he's so late getting them in the bath (it's 6.30pm here) and hasn't even started dinner, that my poor poor children are going to be at least an hour late to bed, and both have been crying because they can feel the negative atmosphere.

Did I also mention that when he goes to bed before me, if there's any washing to be folded (and left on the bed where I normally fold it) he pushes it on to my side and gets into bed?

Also, did I mention that he hasn't cleaned the bathroom in 7 years?

What's the point of him? How does he show you love?
arethereanyleftatall · 02/09/2021 17:39

What should I do?

Well, what I'd do is get divorced.

And, be far far happier. Like ever other ex-wife when the scales fall off and she finally realises she doesn't have to put up with this shit.

MurielSpriggs · 02/09/2021 17:39

Get a cleaner.

Paq · 02/09/2021 17:39

He's a dickhead and I hope you go batshit at him. It takes minutes to clear up after yourself.

ChargingBuck · 02/09/2021 17:40

@Terriblyterriblybusy

He does do childcare work - he puts them to bed every other evening, and gets them dressed every morning. It could be a lot worse
Oh fucking hell OP. Raise your bar.

Does he menu plan, shop, cook, wash up & tidy up?
Does he know when their activities are, & sort out kit/clothes/snacks & drive them about?
Does he wash their clothes? Make their beds? Sort out their new shoes & school uniforms?
Does he keep tabs on their dental appointments, & take them to GP's as necessary?
Does he arrange play dates with other parents, & sort out the logistics & favour-returning that entails?
Does he check their homework, & make sure they clean their teeth, & get to bed on time?

Does he fuck.

It's time to explain to him how much more housework & childcare he'd have to provide, solo, if you divorce him.
From your updates, he clearly just shuts you down when you try to explain how unfair he's being. I don't know how you can live with this level of contempt - if you can't snap him out of it, how many more years are you prepared to invest in being his unpaid skivvy?

PleasantBirthday · 02/09/2021 17:41

@Terriblyterriblybusy

Now that his pride is wounded, he's attempting to do everything himself - baths and dinner. As expected, he's so late getting them in the bath (it's 6.30pm here) and hasn't even started dinner, that my poor poor children are going to be at least an hour late to bed, and both have been crying because they can feel the negative atmosphere.

Did I also mention that when he goes to bed before me, if there's any washing to be folded (and left on the bed where I normally fold it) he pushes it on to my side and gets into bed?

Also, did I mention that he hasn't cleaned the bathroom in 7 years?

You know this just isn't on love, don't you?