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Original poster

DH 'too busy' for housework

176 replies

Terriblyterriblybusy · 02/09/2021 16:35

DH is still working from home, and is often 'too busy' to clear away any of his lunchtime dishes or unload the dishwasher from the overnight wash.

This means I have to do it when I get home from my (also) very busy day at work.

I wouldn't mind if he was genuinely busy but I came home to a shithole today; DH had been to the supermarket to buy himself lunch and left evidence of it everywhere, while I had actually given up my lunch break in order to do a family shop at the supermarket.

I've now arrived home with the children, and he has hidden away in his office, leaving me to clear up his mess and do all the evening duties while he is 'too busy' and must continue working.

I know I am not BU in hoping that he can at least clear up after himself, but I have no idea how to broach it without basically accusing him of lying. What should I do?

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 02/09/2021 18:50

It's not masses of mess to be cleared up. The dishwasher tales always make me laugh, as though it's a 10 hour job to do. I would do all the clearing up of things myself, as it's quicker and better than telling people to do all the mundane things.

Haywirecity · 02/09/2021 18:51

Eek! Don't mention Christmas, that is clearly going to be entirely OP responsibility!

Not if she starts the training regime now. In three and a half months, he'll be in the groove and will be much more equipped to doing his share. Op, make sure you have a Christmas rota drawn up. Dont leave it til the last minute. Slide it in in mid November.

Haywirecity · 02/09/2021 18:52

@1forAll74

It's not masses of mess to be cleared up. The dishwasher tales always make me laugh, as though it's a 10 hour job to do. I would do all the clearing up of things myself, as it's quicker and better than telling people to do all the mundane things.
That thinking is why 7 years on the op is expected to do everything.
merryhellbrokeloose · 02/09/2021 18:54

Think of it this way. If you have a dog and you tell it not to jump on the settee but it ignores you and does it anyway and you say OK and stroke it. Is it the dogs fault that it keeps jumping on the settee? Your words say one thing, but your actions say another. Be consistent. Follow through. Great dog training. Great husband training.

So it's OP's fault for not training her husband properly despite the fact he's a full grown adult HUMAN, who can presumably train himself?

Hunkydory99 · 02/09/2021 18:55

Pile it all on his desk so he has to clear it before he can start work?

Marni83 · 02/09/2021 18:56

@Terriblyterriblybusy

No the camel's back hasn't broken. I'll wallow for a while then pick myself up and get on with it.

And the reason I make his coffee is because I'm a nice person, and I think it's nice to do thoughtful things for people, not just him.

But clearly very pissed off about and have been stewing about it for years

To make someone a drink - nice
To do it for years silently strewing that no been reciprocated, and probably with a face like thunder - not so nice

He’s a pig
You’re behaving like a martyr
It’s been going on for years
Depressing

Confusedandshaken · 02/09/2021 18:59

@Terriblyterriblybusy

No the camel's back hasn't broken. I'll wallow for a while then pick myself up and get on with it.

And the reason I make his coffee is because I'm a nice person, and I think it's nice to do thoughtful things for people, not just him.

There's a thin line between being a nice person and being a doormat and I think you have crossed it.

If you won't change this for your own sake do it for your D.C. Don't let them grow up thinking that women should be skivvies grateful for any little thing that men do about the house.

Seesawmummadaw · 02/09/2021 19:00

He’s a grown man not a child. He can do this stuff he just chooses either not to or to do it badly because he knows you will pick up after him.

Stuff all of his shit in his office, literally just dump it in there as a junk room.

nanbread · 02/09/2021 19:01

Stop enabling him

This.

Maybe I'm just lucky but I've only ever been in relationships with men who've pulled their weight.

Eeiliethya · 02/09/2021 19:01

To the PP who said they do all the cleaning and loading of the dishwasher because it's easier than telling someone -

Yeah but it's the point isn't it? It's the assumption that my time is less important than theirs, it signifies a lack of mutual respect.

My DM has this problem with her DH. They both work full time but because my DM earns minimum wage and her DH earns 6 figures she feels like she has to compensate by waiting on him hand and foot. Drives me mad, I can't even talk to her about it.

You do have to lay the law down early on otherwise this is where it ends up. Not long after me and DP moved in together, he left an empty cup on the bath where he'd had a cup of coffee during his morning shite. I left it, but alas it was still there at bedtime.

The next day he was under no illusion that should he leave shitting cups for me to clear he would be removing them from his rectum with a plunger. The bar was set and there it stayed.

nanbread · 02/09/2021 19:02

What would he do if you weren't there?

Who would walk the dog
Who would clean up his mess from lunch
Who would clean the bathroom

He'd have to do it, or employ people to do it.

Haywirecity · 02/09/2021 19:02

So it's OP's fault for not training her husband properly despite the fact he's a full grown adult HUMAN, who can presumably train himself?

No, its the ops fault for not putting her foot down when the problems started 7 years ago. When he didn't clean the bathroom and she smiled and made him a cup of tea and cleaned the bathroom herself, that was giving the message its OK not to clean the bathroom. He is human, he isn't training himself. So unless the op wants to clean the bathroom for another 7 years, waiting while her husband doesn't train himself, she needs to get on and lay down the rules for the new regime.

Original poster
Terriblyterriblybusy · 02/09/2021 19:06

Well there we go. I poured myself a g&t and has it out with him as he was making the dinner, with the children safely in the sitting room watching telly.

I told him all the quantifiable stuff, and then all the rest of it too. I suggested that if his day was too busy to tidy up the remnants of his lunch, that he didn't have time to buy it from the supermarket.

I told him that it was frankly embarrassing that the last time we had friends round for drinks, he got up to grab a new round from the kitchen, for everyone except for me, and I had to pretend like I didn't want a drink anyway.

He was quite meek about it all, and told me that he understands my anger.

And now he is giving the children a stupidly late dinner and I am hiding in his office drinking gin.

Thank you ladies of Mumsnet for giving me the courage to confront him. I know it's just a first step, and I've had a go at him before with no real change in behaviour, but I'm really going to die through with it this time GinStar

OP posts:
Antsinyourpanta · 02/09/2021 19:07

It's not masses of mess to be cleared up. The dishwasher tales always make me laugh, as though it's a 10 hour job to do. I would do all the clearing up of things myself, as it's quicker and better than telling people to do all the mundane things.

It's the cumulative effect though. I tell this to my DH and DC if they constantly leave dirty clothes on the floor, leave the light on in their room, dont draw the curtains in their room, dont put stuff in the dishwasher, dont feed the pets, leave bags of sports kit or shopping in the hall etc...each task takes the person seconds (or less if you turn off a light as you leave the room) if they do it at the time required. (Its barely even a task tbh) If I have to deal with everyones crap because they cant spare a few seconds, then it can mean me leaving the house 10-15 min later because I'm going from room to room doing all these non-jobs that only become a thing when one person is expected to do all of them.

Akire · 02/09/2021 19:07

Well done glad it’s gone well. Hope it doesn’t take repeating to many times.

Penistoe · 02/09/2021 19:08

Accuse him of lying because he is. ‘Sorry I don’t believe you’ works well.

Original poster
Terriblyterriblybusy · 02/09/2021 19:08

Unfortunate typo. I meant go, not die.

OP posts:
thevassal · 02/09/2021 19:09

If he's soooooo busy can you ask him, if any of his colleagues are single, presumably they don't turn up to work in unwashed clothes, live in a filthy pit, and slowly waste away through lack of food? so if they (and you!) can manage to shop, cook, clean and tidy up after themselves despite your big important busy jobs, why can't he?

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 02/09/2021 19:10

@Terriblyterriblybusy

How does he show you love?

He likes to buy lots and lots of presents. The other day he gave me some fancy pâté all wrapped up in plastic. I rarely eat meat, and I avoid single-use packaging. He buys shit tons of stuff and leaves it laying around for me to tidy up and lament over the mass of needless resources and waste that he's dumped on me. I've told him this and he continues to do it.

But of course I get to do all the birthday-party-present buying, school stuff buying etc, because apparently I really enjoy it.

Did I mention that we eat his favourite food every week, prepared by me, yet if I want my favourite food, I have to prepare and eat it alone?

Did I mention that I make him a coffee whenever I have time in the morning, yet he has probably made me less than 5 cups of tea in a decade?

Did I mention that he has only walked his OWN FUCKING dog (whom I love dearly) twice in a decade? I walk him, I brush him, I take him to the vets myself.

Sorry OP but some of these updates reflect almost as badly as they do on him. Why have you put up with this? You're his skivvy.
mbosnz · 02/09/2021 19:11

You rock! Now stay strong, and don't let things stray back too far as to how it was before.

(Oh, and I'd have said, 'and where's mine dear', rather than feeling embarrassed. He's the one that should be embarrassed - how do you forget to get the most important adult in your life?!)

Twix74 · 02/09/2021 19:12

You could invoice him for being the "office cleaner" or throw all his rubbish into the office with the message what happens at work, stays at work and if he was really annoying, i would hide the kettle

HadEnoughofOtherThreads · 02/09/2021 19:13

It’s ultimatum time!
Tell him he needs to start pulling his weight in all areas or else. He’s a lazy g*t who’s not going to change with a bit of nagging every now and again.

Working FT and managing kids and the house is hard enough without also wiping another adult’s arse.

It doesn’t sound like you’re ready to leave him yet. You only know if you can continue to be miserable and live like this indefinitely. I couldn’t.

DH used to work aboard during the week several years ago. I would dump his crap (mainly clothes and gadgets) in his office every week for him to come home to. Not so much of a problem anymore. Dirty dishes/kitchen mess was not an issue. We all try to keep on top of the kitchen everyday and our primary aged kids know how to load and empty the dishwasher. Letting dirty dishes build up in another room and not having limited access to them would drive me mad, even if I couldn’t see them!
DH works a lot so I do more childcare and household stuff as I’m PT & WFH, but he’s hands on with kids when he’s home and does a fair amount of school runs, car ferrying to clubs, picks up shopping, medical appointments, etc.

It’s easy to take others for granted, esp. when living busy lives, but every now and again words need to be had.

Our adult DD started to take the P, so she finally had to remember how to operate the washing machine.

Always nip that sh*t in the bud or you’ll become resentful and it’s hard to come back from that.

Doubledoorsontogarden · 02/09/2021 19:13

I wfh and don’t empty the dishwasher until after work. So when you get back home he empties dish washer and cleans up his shit, can you suggest that?

misskatamari · 02/09/2021 19:14

Well done for getting angry and confronting him! He's taking the piss. You have every right to feel angry. Boo hoo if he doesn't like it. Tough shit, he's behaved badly and taken you for granted, he should feel bad about it! Hopefully it's a wake up call for him and he mends his ways. You don't deserve to come home to a shit tip because he doesn't want to be a responsible adult

GintyMcGinty · 02/09/2021 19:15

Leave it for him to do.

He is a grown up and you are not his cleaner or housekeeper. Everytime you pick up after him you give him permission to keep treating you like this.