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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think a 3 & 4 year old should sit quietly through a wedding?

264 replies

appleturnovers · 01/09/2021 22:08

I went to a wedding last week and I was pretty embarrassed as there were two children, 3 and 4 years old, who were just walking around wherever they wanted and speaking quite loudly, at points drowning out the vicar and even the bride and groom saying their vows. They were wandering around the altar, walking up the aisle, coming and standing next to the bride and groom, one of them even walked up behind the vicar as they were exchanging the rings.

In fairness, both sets of parents were part of the wedding party so were unable to do much, and the grandmother who was supposed to be minding them both was clearly trying but struggling to keep them in check.

I normally love seeing children at weddings as in my view weddings are a family event, and there were almost a dozen babies, toddlers and young children at my own wedding, but I don't remember a single one of them behaving anything like that. Then again, I don't have kids of that age myself so maybe I have unrealistic expectations about what sort of behaviour children that age are capable of...

So, AIBU to think that children aged 3 and 4 are old enough to sit reasonably still and quietly, (and I don't mean in complete silence, but perhaps whispering if they absolutely have to say something, and not wandering up to the bloody altar) during a 45 minute wedding ceremony?

OP posts:

glittereyelash · 02/09/2021 09:48

My son is 3 and can't sit still for longer than a few minutes. I wouldn't bring him to a wedding or church function as he would definitely start crying/ shouting before the end.

Notjustanymum · 02/09/2021 09:50

“Catholic family here” - oh yes! As a now-lapsed (in all probability lapsed since school, but wanted DC to have a moral framework) Catholic, I found regular Sunday Mass from birth provided an excellent tool for teaching the children appropriate quiet behaviour as they seemed to “get” the solemnity required in certain situations.
For children who haven’t had this experience throughout their short lives, I would imagine it would be very difficult to suddenly impose “Church behaviour”...

Gonnagetgoing · 02/09/2021 09:53

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

*“Have you met any 3 or 4 year olds?”

I just hate this fucking passive ‘what can you do?’ attitude. 3 and 4 year olds might find it boring to sit through a wedding but that is no excuse to let them dominate or disrupt the proceedings - which in church are supposed to be solemn and sacramental. There is no excuse for allowing a child to do this - it’s just the result of selfish lazy arsed rude adults who don’t give a shit.*

Ffs where did I say it was ok to? I answered the op which didnt ask if they should have been removed etc (clearly they should). It asked if 3/4 yrs should be expected to sit still quietly for 45 minutes.

Totally agree. In this case parents were in wedding party (maybe not wise on this occasion!) but I don’t think it’s hard to get kids to sit still without an activity pack!

I certainly managed from 4 onwards most Sunday’s in church to be quiet, follow the service and sing. With ta da no activity packs! Factor in a freezing church etc and we were pleased when we didn’t go anymore at 8/9

Gonnagetgoing · 02/09/2021 09:56

@RobinPenguins

A generation or 2 ago, most 3 or yo would have been able to seat quietly for that period. I definitely had to when we went to mass, and that was over an hour. I did because I knew I would be seriously told off if I didn't. I didn't like it but accepted it.

You can so clearly remember what you thought and felt from when you were 3, 1 or 2 generations ago? Amazing.

I think most of us can yes!

If it sticks in your mind if you’re given a warning or seriously told off to be quiet in a special place (church) then you can remember this. But then my entire childhood was manners, table manners etc.

sashh · 02/09/2021 10:02

I think it depends entirely if the children are used to being in church.

I once went to a christening and you could see which children were used to churches and which ones were fascinated by this new place, with one declaring a hanging of a saint being a Disney character and thinking the steps tot he alter were a new toy.

I think if you are going to have children in church, with the parents in the bridal party then they need to go to church beforehand and be told how to behave.

Mommabear20 · 02/09/2021 10:03

Yabu to expect them to sit quietly for 45 minutes, however, I think it's also unnecessary for children of that age to be at a wedding, the meal and reception is different, but especially if the parents are in the wedding party, the kids don't need to be there.

littledrummergirl · 02/09/2021 10:04

We took my dc to a very posh wedding when they were that age.
We discussed the need for quiet in the church before hand and took comics, paper, crayons and a packet of digestive biscuits!
They were amazing throughout the ceremony so it can be done but it involved us planning accordingly.

AlrightThereSkippy · 02/09/2021 10:16

@sashh

I think it depends entirely if the children are used to being in church.

I think if you are going to have children in church, with the parents in the bridal party then they need to go to church beforehand and be told how to behave.

We are churchgoers in usual times, but our three year-old can't remember going to church, as we haven't been since covid. The older one was great in church and went a lot but even she wasn't perfect at 3 and 4. She was probably better at about 2 tbh. She also goes to RC school and they told her off for fidgeting, saying "yes, well, when they aren't USED to church...". I had to correct them and say yes she is, she just wasn't used to church with all her brand new class mates. So no, you probably can't tell reliably which kids go to church and which don't. Sometimes the excitement of the occasion takes over, especially if their mum and dad are the bride and groom or something.

toomuchlaundry · 02/09/2021 10:16

I think it is quite interesting when you have threads about child free weddings and so many people think they are wrong and children love weddings etc. But then you have this thread saying young children can't be expected to sit still and you should take them out of the service or give them other things to do to distract them from the boring wedding service. So what is the actual point of them being there if you take them out or they look at an iPad during the service. The reception isn't that much more interesting either, apart from the food, and thy have usually finished their meal well before he adults have even started theirs.

Crowtooyo · 02/09/2021 10:20

I think it's a long time for them to sit BUT yanbu in that they should have been taken out.

Tinkerbellfluffyboots79 · 02/09/2021 10:25

Depends on the kid
I have 4 2 I could’ve sat with 2 no I couldn’t. youngest is asd but I didn’t know at 3/4. He wasn’t at school yet either.
However I’d have made sure he was taken out quietly not left to wander about annoying people. Not sure why op was embarrassed these are little more than toddlers, they need to learn to sit if possible but perhaps not practising at the expense of someone else’s wedding. I’m not sure my 10 year old could sit through that now tbh he struggles with a lot, it wouldn’t be fair to him to expect it.

Lockdownbear · 02/09/2021 10:35

@AlrightThereSkippy
OK so if you were MOH you'd have taken your LO out.
What about the cousin, your sisters kid, would you take them out too?

I really am thinking the odds are for BOTH SETS of parents to be in the bridal party one of these kids is the child of the B&G.

Gonnagetgoing · 02/09/2021 10:39

@sashh

I think it depends entirely if the children are used to being in church.

I think if you are going to have children in church, with the parents in the bridal party then they need to go to church beforehand and be told how to behave.

exactly. If it's a church or another religious service there is nothing wrong with if you aren't church (or other regular religious service goers) in going to a few services, even going to an empty church so they're not freaked out or curious about what's there - altar, stained glass windows etc.

In fact I think it's a bit cruel these days to take kids to a church wedding if they aren't used to going and expect them to behave. Contrary to what I said before!

At DB's wedding there were 5 kids - 1 was a last minute bring as the parents childcare was ill at last minute and DB's groomsman (he had more than one) 3 girls from 4-9. Plus bride's god-daughter who was 10/11.

They stayed quiet for the service but it wasn't in a church - was in an old building where they held services. But their step-mum told them what to do and their dad guided them through the ceremony and they're also catholic kids who were fairly used to the church and christening - they don't go to church regularly but at Easter and Christmas etc. Girls are now teenagers and still go at Easter etc.

IamMaz · 02/09/2021 10:40

This is exactly why I didn't want children at my wedding.
It was only a small one though - 31 years ago....

toomuchlaundry · 02/09/2021 10:41

If the parents were the bride and groom I can understand why granny wouldn't want to take the children out and miss her child's wedding. But if the B&G wouldn't they have just scooped up the children to be with them

AlrightThereSkippy · 02/09/2021 10:42

[quote Lockdownbear]@AlrightThereSkippy
OK so if you were MOH you'd have taken your LO out.
What about the cousin, your sisters kid, would you take them out too?

I really am thinking the odds are for BOTH SETS of parents to be in the bridal party one of these kids is the child of the B&G.[/quote]
If I was left in charge of someone else's kids I would definitely take them out. If they were my kids and I was in the wedding party, but not the bride, as we've covered that I think, if take them out. If you want parents of small kids in your wedding party, then you either have to accept they may not sit quietly or else you have to accept that someone might have to leave to take them outside. If granny can't cope with doing that, then the parents have to.

Remembering SIL at a wedding where she was MOH who just decided the whole day she wasn't parenting her three lively kids. Grandparents were useless. I ended up having to actually tell off one of her kids who was literally about to swing a punch at a grown up with a baby in a sling. Nobody else was doing anything at all. I hate telling off kids which aren't my own, but if you've decided "today I'm not parenting cos I'm in my pretty dress and being a princess for the day" with no firm childcare plans, I mean really. Ahem...small rant. Projecting about my SIL tbh, and not to do with the thread before I offend anyone

RobinPenguins · 02/09/2021 10:44

@sashh

I think it depends entirely if the children are used to being in church.

I think if you are going to have children in church, with the parents in the bridal party then they need to go to church beforehand and be told how to behave.

At the moment I don’t think that really applies - DD went to church every week from 6 weeks old then was 2 when covid hit. She hasn’t been since because it’s either been closed or when open it’s been restricted numbers, prior booking only, assigned pews and generally not suitable for a 3-4 year old. We’re what I would consider a church going family but if we went to a wedding tomorrow, it would feel like a very new environment for her.

Lockdownbear · 02/09/2021 11:04

As long as these two weren't doing any harm and safe I'd have left them alone.

But I am assuming, they are cousins rather than siblings, one being the B&Gs the other being Best Man & Bridesmaids. I can't really figure out any other combination that would have both sets of parents in bridal party.

I'd possibly think differently if they were a guests kids. But I'd definitely be upset about any child in any circumstances going to punch an adult with or without a baby in a sling.

I know many like weddings to be like a posh West End flawless production.
I wanted a big wedding but didn't want it getting too formal and stuck up its own backside, so last minute recount of numbers we had space and invited some little people to bring it back down to earth.

AdventuresDownRabbitholes · 02/09/2021 11:12

YANBU

If they couldn't keep the child quiet easily, an iPad with headphones and Peppa pig would have sufficed - and if that didn't work, take them outside.

I'd never let a child wander like that during a wedding ceremony

Kotatsu · 02/09/2021 11:18

The wandering was too far, but 45 mins still and silent would be just about impossible (unless trained from birth!)

My ex's brother's wedding they had a little children's area at the back of the church that the kids sat in and quietly played supervised by me, as ex was in wedding party, and a couple of the women who looked after the church. We just had to remind them to 'sshhhhhh' occasionally which was fine (in fact we got a laugh when DS1 loudly exclaimed UhOohhhhh as part of his game at one point in the ceremony).

At another wedding I fed them haribo, then ushered them out when it became clear that wasn't going to work for long enough (bride and groom started reading poems to each other) but at my cousins they were fine just sitting there and getting frequent sweets (but my cousin didn't hang around with a slow service, so they didn't have to wait 45 mins)