Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 9 10 11

Original poster

To think a 3 & 4 year old should sit quietly through a wedding?

264 replies

appleturnovers · 01/09/2021 22:08

I went to a wedding last week and I was pretty embarrassed as there were two children, 3 and 4 years old, who were just walking around wherever they wanted and speaking quite loudly, at points drowning out the vicar and even the bride and groom saying their vows. They were wandering around the altar, walking up the aisle, coming and standing next to the bride and groom, one of them even walked up behind the vicar as they were exchanging the rings.

In fairness, both sets of parents were part of the wedding party so were unable to do much, and the grandmother who was supposed to be minding them both was clearly trying but struggling to keep them in check.

I normally love seeing children at weddings as in my view weddings are a family event, and there were almost a dozen babies, toddlers and young children at my own wedding, but I don't remember a single one of them behaving anything like that. Then again, I don't have kids of that age myself so maybe I have unrealistic expectations about what sort of behaviour children that age are capable of...

So, AIBU to think that children aged 3 and 4 are old enough to sit reasonably still and quietly, (and I don't mean in complete silence, but perhaps whispering if they absolutely have to say something, and not wandering up to the bloody altar) during a 45 minute wedding ceremony?

OP posts:

Heckythump1 · 02/09/2021 11:54

No, i'm with you, this is not acceptable behaviour at all.
3 and 4 year olds are more than capable (additional needs aside, obviously) of sitting still for a church service, if really necessary, snacks, books, colouring to keep them occupied.
If they'd been mine, they'd have been forwarned of behaviour expectations before the service, and if they weren't complying, they'd have been out the door!

You only get one chance to have your wedding, why should it be ruined because some parents can't control their offspring?

And yes I did have children at my wedding, including my own then one year old!

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 02/09/2021 11:58

I wouldn't expect it no but I would expect them to be removed. DS was very talkative at a friend's wedding so I took him out. It was sad to miss the ceremony but ultimately it was more important that it was disrupted for them.

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 02/09/2021 11:59

DS was 2 though, I would expect him to now at 5.

Winniewonka · 02/09/2021 12:25

In another life I was a wedding photographer/videographer's assistant and I don't know what the alternative would be but I will say weddings and children under 5 don't mix.
This is by no means the fault of the child but it's a long, long day for them and unrealistic to expect them to sit quietly for a decent length of time. Yes, parents could bring colouring books, crayons but the majority just want to be seen in their finery, not clutching carrier bags full of distractions.
The number of times a wedding ceremony a video has been ruined by a crying child or one shouting noisily and some how it's the photographer's fault that the vows can't be heard properly. Most guests don't want to leave the ceremony and remove the child as they miss out on seeing the marriage, so they stay.

toomuchlaundry · 02/09/2021 12:50

Fo those who remove children from the ceremony, would you have preferred to have actually watched the ceremony and not have your child there?

ddl1 · 02/09/2021 12:58

I think YABU to expect small children to sit quietly for that length of time. Some children might, especially if they have an activity like drawing or looking at books or (dare I say it!) screen time. But most wouldn't. Especially children who have very little experience of big in-person social occasions, which would apply to most children at the moment.

However, I do think that for everyone's sake, the grandmother should have taken the children out until the ceremony was over.

Kuachui · 02/09/2021 13:00

My kids won't even sit through a movie.. So yabu

annie335 · 02/09/2021 13:08

Yanbu. I feel for the B&G. The grandmother should've taken them outside.

Lockdownbear · 02/09/2021 13:08

@toomuchlaundry

Fo those who remove children from the ceremony, would you have preferred to have actually watched the ceremony and not have your child there?

I'd remove them if they were being loud, and I was just a guest. And the only wedding I've been to in that situation was with a tiny baby whom I wouldn't have gone without.

I'd still want my nieces and nephews at my wedding - they after all officially gained an Uncle - wandering so what, as long as they don't make a lot of noise, that others can't hear.

Lockdownbear · 02/09/2021 13:09

@annie335

Yanbu. I feel for the B&G. The grandmother should've taken them outside.

What if one was the B&Gs kid, should Granny have still removed them and the cousin?

NorthLodgeAvenue · 02/09/2021 13:12

They should be able to and should be made to sit for about 20 minutes at that age. One of them is school age.
A designated adult should have had appropriate, quiet entertainment and bribes on hand.
After 20 or so minutes, outside for a run around and come back if at all possible.

No wandering, no interrupting. Its not about them.

FuckPilledLatteplus · 02/09/2021 13:13

45 minutes of droning on would bore me too

WaitingForNormality · 02/09/2021 13:16

Yes YABU!

My DS went to a wedding when he just turned 4 and both me and DH were sat next to him, it was a short ceremony (20mins max) and I'd say it was getting tough to keep his volume down by the last 5 mins - and that is with both of us there to remind him and keep him sat down. He was very excited by the wedding and having all the family together and genuinely couldn't talk in a whisper because he was so excited!

Cuddlemonsters · 02/09/2021 13:25

Also, loads of projecting. When I got married I loved having my little nephew toddling around getting into everything (as toddlers do!). I specifically told my sister to not worry and unless he was screaming to stay in as I wanted them both there.
Not every bride will feel the same.

Ikeeponkeepingon · 02/09/2021 13:36

I would never invite children of that age and expect them to sit quietly. They are just young. My ds is 6 but autistic and no way he would sit still for more than 10 seconds though so I possibly have a higher tolerance for this than a lot of people.

Lockdownbear · 02/09/2021 13:38

@Cuddlemonsters

Exactly - especially if one of these two is the B&Gs own child and the other a Neice or Nephew. It's probably more important to B&G that Granny is in the church than for her to be babysitting outside.

Anothermountain · 02/09/2021 13:44

I don't think YABU op (and can't believe the vote says you are!) but better preparations should have been put in place for someone to take them out. I was taught to sit in church for an hour from the age of 3/4. It can be done. We looked at picture books or coloured quietly. But if the children had not experienced being in church before , it would have been difficult for them.

However, there is absolutely no excuse to allow a child to disrupt the ceremony, concert, or church service for everyone else. Especially a wedding which is a very special day and a one-off. It sounds as though none of the adults took the initiative or took control. Maybe they were deluded and thought it was funny or cute instead of selfish.

Before lockdown, I went to hear my god-daughter sing in a concert, and one family (having listened with rapt attention to their own child) allowed a younger sibling to disrupt all of the other children's performances. They seemed completely unaware or just didn't care!

And I am always surprised when parents don't stop their DC running around in restaurants in quite dangerous situations where the waiting staff are carrying hot drinks. Also on that GP behind closed doors programme where they let the DC rummage in drawers and play with medical equipment. Yes they've probably had a long wait, yes the parents are probably distracted by the matter in hand, but why not have a word outside and prepare the child and give them some idea of how they are expected to behave in a particular situation. It's not fair on the child if the parents don't teach them what behaviour is appropriate for a particular situation.

Bitofachinwag · 02/09/2021 16:05

@FuckPilledLatteplus

45 minutes of droning on would bore me too

Yes but would you have started wandering around the church when you got bored? Stood next to the bride and groom?

Of course children have the right to feel bored, that isn't the issue. Children need to learn that they can't always just do what they want and sometimes you might get bored but you still have to sit down and be quiet.

Drinkingallthewine · 02/09/2021 16:10

We are not church-goers, so whenever we went to a wedding or a funeral my hadbag always had some treats in it - a new small toy, a pocket size colouring book and pencils, some (quiet) snacks, that sort of thing to be doled out at intervals. That, along with explaining the rules beforehand about talking, leaving the pew, and saving all questions until afterwards did the trick really.

I was at one wedding where two toddlers played in the aisle and up around the bride and groom but they were the couple's kids and the couple were happy with them doing that. But otherwise no, disruptive children should be taken out by an adult if they are too young to be quiet.

Thesearmsofmine · 02/09/2021 16:14

It depends on the child, one of mine would have sat quietly, another wouldn’t have done, the third it would have depended what day you caught them on. Weddings can be quite dull as an adult let alone as a small child.
I had lots of dc at my wedding including my own toddler, I couldn’t have cared less about them pottering about or making a little noise.

LegendaryReady · 02/09/2021 16:17

I took mine at 2&4 to my sister's wedding. They were by no means devil children, but no they couldn't sit still and quiet through it. I took them outside althig TBH I'm still not sure if that was the right thing to do as I missed seeing DSis get married, which was important to her.

LizzieW1969 · 02/09/2021 16:31

^This with bells on. My DH and I were also very happy to have little children at our wedding, and indeed it would have been impossible for a lot of our guests (including the best man) to come if we’d said no children.

For me, it made the day even more special. (Although admittedly none of the children came to the front, I’m not sure how I would have felt about that. )

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 02/09/2021 17:12

This happened at my wedding but annoyed the other guests more than me although l can see why.

Anothermountain · 02/09/2021 17:20

This isn't about having DC at the wedding though is it? I'm sure many of us loved having small DC at our weddings. This is about adults allowing the DC to overshadow an event, walk around the altar and distract people from the ceremony. The bride and groom may not mind, but that's a bit of a risky assumption isn't it? Imagine they do; they are not really in a position to protest without appearing churlish so it puts them in an awkward spot. It also is unfair on the DC concerned when you allow them to grow up believing that they don't have to consider anyone else.

flowerbus · 02/09/2021 17:22

My DS1 is just turned 3 and he wouldn’t be able to sit still/quiet for 45 mins. But I wouldn’t let him walk around and be noisy, I’d take him outside

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 9 10 11