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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a 3 & 4 year old should sit quietly through a wedding?

264 replies

appleturnovers · 01/09/2021 22:08

I went to a wedding last week and I was pretty embarrassed as there were two children, 3 and 4 years old, who were just walking around wherever they wanted and speaking quite loudly, at points drowning out the vicar and even the bride and groom saying their vows. They were wandering around the altar, walking up the aisle, coming and standing next to the bride and groom, one of them even walked up behind the vicar as they were exchanging the rings.

In fairness, both sets of parents were part of the wedding party so were unable to do much, and the grandmother who was supposed to be minding them both was clearly trying but struggling to keep them in check.

I normally love seeing children at weddings as in my view weddings are a family event, and there were almost a dozen babies, toddlers and young children at my own wedding, but I don't remember a single one of them behaving anything like that. Then again, I don't have kids of that age myself so maybe I have unrealistic expectations about what sort of behaviour children that age are capable of...

So, AIBU to think that children aged 3 and 4 are old enough to sit reasonably still and quietly, (and I don't mean in complete silence, but perhaps whispering if they absolutely have to say something, and not wandering up to the bloody altar) during a 45 minute wedding ceremony?

OP posts:
tegannotsovegan · 02/09/2021 07:55

They’re 3 and 4. I’m 23 and cannot sit still and be quiet for longer than 5 minutes. I have to say something otherwise I have a meltdown, because my brain runs at a million miles an hour.
Yes, YABU.

ShingleBeach · 02/09/2021 08:20

Some can, some can’t.

Either way they should not be disturbing the ceremony, so left at home or taken out at the first sign if a disruptive fidget

Grandmother’s fault (and / or where was the grandad?)

ShingleBeach · 02/09/2021 08:23

And yes, bad planning if the grandparents were parents of the B&G. They shouldn’t have been expected to wrangle small kids.

All fine if the B&G were happy with the children’s activity.

EatYourVegetables · 02/09/2021 08:24

I blame the grandmother.

As a mother I think I would manage to keep my 3 and 5 yo in check for a while (by the novelty first, then threats of no cake and finally bribes), but if it became clear that they’re at the end of their little tethers I’d take them outside.

I expect a grandmother would have less control of the kids, but when she had seen that she’s fighting a losing battle she should have taken them outside for a stroll.

But I can see my MIL saying “oh I’ll look after the kids don’t you worry” and then at the first sign of misbehaving go “never mind, go run behind the altar then I don’t know what to do” and just enjoying the service while the kids run amok and I blush in the wedding party unable to do anything.

PurpleOkapi · 02/09/2021 08:25

It may have been unrealistic to expect Granny to leave her child's wedding ceremony, but if that was what was happening, it was totally and completely unreasonable to put someone unwilling to leave the ceremony in charge of watching the children during said ceremony. If she was really trying to contain them, she probably missed most of it anyway. If it was her child's wedding, that was a horrible position to put poor Granny in, and IMHO it's perfectly fair to judge the parents for doing that.

vivainsomnia · 02/09/2021 08:26

A generation or 2 ago, most 3 or yo would have been able to seat quietly for that period. I definitely had to when we went to mass, and that was over an hour. I did because I knew I would be seriously told off if I didn't. I didn't like it but accepted it.

So what has happened that suddenly, kids have become incapable of doing so if it is because of discipline is not something many parents are managed to install, and/or kids are now constantly stimulated that they've become incapable of standing still, entertaining themselves with creativity (and a bit of help from parents.

It's really sad and I'm not surprise teachers are leaving the profession fed up when kids being disruptive is considered acceptable by their parents.

Disfordarkchocolate · 02/09/2021 08:27

Some would some wouldn't, they should have taken outside. Or someone should have helped the person looking after them.

RobinPenguins · 02/09/2021 08:46

A generation or 2 ago, most 3 or yo would have been able to seat quietly for that period. I definitely had to when we went to mass, and that was over an hour. I did because I knew I would be seriously told off if I didn't. I didn't like it but accepted it.

You can so clearly remember what you thought and felt from when you were 3, 1 or 2 generations ago? Amazing.

maofteens · 02/09/2021 08:56

I think granny should be old enough to know how to handle two bored kids!
Unacceptable to let them talk loudly or walk around - she should have taken them outside. This is why I had no kids at my wedding - boring for them and the parents would constantly be worried about them and looking to leave as soon as possible.
I had a 5 and 7 year old in my wedding party and had arranged for their grandmother to take them home after the ceremony and photos- they had food to eat and it was just long enough for them to enjoy the fuss without getting bored and tired.
Kids can be a lovely addition to a wedding if the hosts recognise they need entertaining and minding and make suitable arrangements.

queenMab99 · 02/09/2021 09:07

i was a brides maid when I was 3, my sister was too, she was 8, we both behaved perfectly. This was in the 1950s when children were born sensible, and well behaved. Grin

AlrightThereSkippy · 02/09/2021 09:11

My DD was a bridesmaid aged three and was adorable (naturally). My DS is now three though and I can't swear he would sit quietly through a longish wedding ceremony. I'd take him outside though, if he was being a pain. Even if I was part of the wedding. Especially if the granny wasn't able to keep them quiet.

If it was a family wedding and fairly informal though, I probably wouldn't have minded seeing this as a guest...as long as mine aren't doing it!

Lostmarbles2021 · 02/09/2021 09:11

No way would I expect 3 and 4 year olds to sit quietly without some serious adult input. If they have never been to a wedding then they won’t know what to expect. Sounds like the grandmother didn’t know how to keep them in check. She should have taken them outside to play or given them something interesting and quiet to play with. But maybe the bride and groom didn’t mind.

Lockdownbear · 02/09/2021 09:15

I'd take him outside though, if he was being a pain. Even if I was part of the wedding. Especially if the granny wasn't able to keep them quiet

What if you were the bride 👰‍♀️ you'd take your kid out. 🤔

Two kids BOTH sets of parents were in the bridal party.
So at least one mum was a bridesmaid, the other mum, BM or Bride?
And the Dads, Groom & BM or two Best men?

Bitofachinwag · 02/09/2021 09:20

@vivainsomnia

A generation or 2 ago, most 3 or yo would have been able to seat quietly for that period. I definitely had to when we went to mass, and that was over an hour. I did because I knew I would be seriously told off if I didn't. I didn't like it but accepted it.

So what has happened that suddenly, kids have become incapable of doing so if it is because of discipline is not something many parents are managed to install, and/or kids are now constantly stimulated that they've become incapable of standing still, entertaining themselves with creativity (and a bit of help from parents.

It's really sad and I'm not surprise teachers are leaving the profession fed up when kids being disruptive is considered acceptable by their parents.

Yes, it's not that three year olds have changed, it's the way that they're brought up that has changed.
Lockdownbear · 02/09/2021 09:25

Poor Granny is getting a pounding on here. Quite unfairly IMO.
She's probably more than capable of dealing with them individually but together kids can become a handful.
And she's taken the logic if they are wandering around and being quiet it's better than the two of them having a tantrum. Or her missing her DD/DS wedding.

If the B&G were that bothered they'd have hired a nanny for the day, instead of asking DGran to mind the kids.

SleepTalk · 02/09/2021 09:25

Why would someone take a child to a wedding ceremony. The ceremony is dull enough for most adults. To expect a small child to sit quietly through a 45min ceremony is borderline cruel!
It's not really on you OP. I just dont think a wedding ceremony is the place for children full stop.

Overthehillandfartaway · 02/09/2021 09:27

And Mumsnet wonders why there is so many 'no children allowed' weddings.

Basically those kids shouldn't have been in that situation...totally not their fault, they haven't got a clue about the gravitas of the occasion.

So YANBU if the question is 'should kids be allowed to ruin weddings ' , but YABU if you blame them.

CounsellorTroi · 02/09/2021 09:27

@Ionlydomassiveones

“How did parents manage during all those decades/centuries?”

Because children who regularly went to church were used to being quiet and yes, bored for an hour. At our Christingle service all the kids who come just for that once a year event struggle to sit and be quiet but when the vicar calls them all out to front, you suddenly realise there are 15-20 children more than you realised - kids who were sitting quietly - they’re the children of the regulars who have learned how to behave in church. It is possible.

I had a chapel upbringing and yes it was like this. But I married a Catholic and whenever I went to mass it was like a zoo with all thx children’s noise. You could barely hear the priest.
Cuddlemonsters · 02/09/2021 09:30

Lol, have you actually ever met a 3 or 4 year old.

Lockdownbear · 02/09/2021 09:31

Lots of Chapels have a 'cry' Chapel basically a section behind a glass screen so the little kids don't disturb other people. The idea that 3/4 year olds would sit quietly bored out their little minds is bonkers. Rose tinted glasses.

thebabessavedme · 02/09/2021 09:36

I'm nearly 60 and struggle to sit through a wedding, soooo boring watching something that really only means something to the people getting married.

Blossomtoes · 02/09/2021 09:41

Having seen a four year old sit still in complete silence for the duration of a funeral service, I don’t think you’re in the least unreasonable. I think our expectations of children’s behaviour is ridiculously low.

rhowton · 02/09/2021 09:41

My eldest DD3 (almost 4) would sit still if she had her Kindle and things to do. My DD2(almost 3) would absolutely not.

AlrightThereSkippy · 02/09/2021 09:42

@Lockdownbear

I'd take him outside though, if he was being a pain. Even if I was part of the wedding. Especially if the granny wasn't able to keep them quiet

What if you were the bride 👰‍♀️ you'd take your kid out. 🤔

Two kids BOTH sets of parents were in the bridal party.
So at least one mum was a bridesmaid, the other mum, BM or Bride?
And the Dads, Groom & BM or two Best men?

If I was the bride and my kids were at my wedding, I'd have them with me tbh, or wouldn't object to them misbehaving. Weddings where the couple's DCs are there can be lovely, but expecting them to be big, grave, formal affairs when the couple's tiny ones are there is silly IMO.

But if it was my dcs, then I'd take them out if I was MOH or whatever, yes.

Gonnagetgoing · 02/09/2021 09:46

My 3 year old nephew would probably struggle with that. And when my brother and I were at a wedding aged 5 and 3 years ago we sat still, sang hymns and behaved, but we did go to church regularly then.

Personally I either think you concentrate on the service, hymns, seeing people and being quiet when needed to. The person minding them should’ve taken them straight out though once they started acting up.