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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a 3 & 4 year old should sit quietly through a wedding?

264 replies

appleturnovers · 01/09/2021 22:08

I went to a wedding last week and I was pretty embarrassed as there were two children, 3 and 4 years old, who were just walking around wherever they wanted and speaking quite loudly, at points drowning out the vicar and even the bride and groom saying their vows. They were wandering around the altar, walking up the aisle, coming and standing next to the bride and groom, one of them even walked up behind the vicar as they were exchanging the rings.

In fairness, both sets of parents were part of the wedding party so were unable to do much, and the grandmother who was supposed to be minding them both was clearly trying but struggling to keep them in check.

I normally love seeing children at weddings as in my view weddings are a family event, and there were almost a dozen babies, toddlers and young children at my own wedding, but I don't remember a single one of them behaving anything like that. Then again, I don't have kids of that age myself so maybe I have unrealistic expectations about what sort of behaviour children that age are capable of...

So, AIBU to think that children aged 3 and 4 are old enough to sit reasonably still and quietly, (and I don't mean in complete silence, but perhaps whispering if they absolutely have to say something, and not wandering up to the bloody altar) during a 45 minute wedding ceremony?

OP posts:
Summerfun54321 · 01/09/2021 23:42

My bet is that they had to sit quietly and do boring things even before the 45 min wedding started. To have kids at a wedding and for it to work they need to have some time to run around and burn off some steam before and after the ceremony.

WhisperedWords · 01/09/2021 23:45

It’s a completely unreasonable expectation that they could sit quietly for 45 minutes but not unreasonable to expect the person in charge of them to keep them quiet/entertained or take them outside.

mathanxiety · 01/09/2021 23:46

YANBU

3 year olds though? Literally toddlers?

I see children this young sitting quietly through an hour of Mass every Sunday, and my own DCs managed it when they were that age.

Hillary17 · 01/09/2021 23:48

If I had my way we’d have no children at our upcoming wedding but my MIL would lose her mind. For this exact reason - some kids will be fine and others running riot. I had hearing a screaming child during the vows!

Lockdownbear · 01/09/2021 23:49

The point is we're the B&G bothered?

I had a couple of LOs at wedding who escaped their parents and ran down the aisle, the minister spoke to them "have you come for a better look?" And carried on.
Certainly didn't ruin my service or anything else nor did I expect them to be taken out.

LittleBearPad · 01/09/2021 23:53

Your expectations are unrealistic.

They were never going to sit quietly that long - especially without 1-to-1 parental supervision and a bag of toys, colouring and sweets to keep them entertained

mathanxiety · 01/09/2021 23:58

Also, how many children have had the opportunity to practice needing to sit quietly for any length over this last 18 months?

Mealtime at home?

Even watching tv at home?

I know there are parents who let their children run wild at home though, and mealtimes are not as decorous as they could be.

TableFlowerss · 02/09/2021 00:00

@Hillary17

If I had my way we’d have no children at our upcoming wedding but my MIL would lose her mind. For this exact reason - some kids will be fine and others running riot. I had hearing a screaming child during the vows!
It’s your wedding, how dare she dictate you must have kids there!
Anordinarymum · 02/09/2021 00:04

@appleturnovers

I went to a wedding last week and I was pretty embarrassed as there were two children, 3 and 4 years old, who were just walking around wherever they wanted and speaking quite loudly, at points drowning out the vicar and even the bride and groom saying their vows. They were wandering around the altar, walking up the aisle, coming and standing next to the bride and groom, one of them even walked up behind the vicar as they were exchanging the rings.

In fairness, both sets of parents were part of the wedding party so were unable to do much, and the grandmother who was supposed to be minding them both was clearly trying but struggling to keep them in check.

I normally love seeing children at weddings as in my view weddings are a family event, and there were almost a dozen babies, toddlers and young children at my own wedding, but I don't remember a single one of them behaving anything like that. Then again, I don't have kids of that age myself so maybe I have unrealistic expectations about what sort of behaviour children that age are capable of...

So, AIBU to think that children aged 3 and 4 are old enough to sit reasonably still and quietly, (and I don't mean in complete silence, but perhaps whispering if they absolutely have to say something, and not wandering up to the bloody altar) during a 45 minute wedding ceremony?

Not a chance in hell :)
SnipSnipMrBurgess · 02/09/2021 00:06

Why were you embarrassed? What embarrassed you about it? Or are you using that word incorrectly?

Oceanbliss · 02/09/2021 00:06

CattyMcNips
If heavily sedated of course they would.

@CattyMcNips 😂 Brilliant

Cattenberg · 02/09/2021 00:09

This is a useful thread for me as I’m taking DD (aged 3 1/2) to her first wedding soon. I can’t see her sitting still and quiet for 45 minutes without a book or snack to distract her. I’d like for us to sit right at the back near the exit, but that would be tricky as we’re both part of the bridal party.

Phrowzunn · 02/09/2021 00:10

I took my 2 year old and 4 year old to a wedding the other week and they both managed to sit quietly for the duration. The 2 year old with a book and some colouring and the 4 year old just sat quietly on her dad’s knee. The 2 year old I would have taken out if she had started getting tetchy but at 4 years old there’s no excuse for that in my opinion. But then I’m a very strict mum by today’s standards and can’t abide bad behaviour. So I’m with you OP.

SarahAndQuack · 02/09/2021 00:11

@Maskless

Serious question: how come that decades ago, until recently, children DID sit still and shut up throughout weddings, funerals, Sunday morning church services every single week (and more for Catholics). There is not a chance in hell that children would have been allowed to be wandering around by the altar - vicar - marrying couple at any time in the last hundreds of years right up until the last 20 years, when all of a sudden it's deemed acceptable for children to run about, make noise and disrupt everything.

How did parents manage during all those decades/centuries?

Not that it matters, but until relatively recently, people did a lot more moving around during church services. Sure, wandering around the altar, probably not. But people moving around, getting up, sitting back down, breastfeeding a child - yes, definitely. It's relatively recent (like decades or 150 years tops) that people have decided 'church' behaviour means tiny children sitting absolutely motionless for the whole service.

I take DD to church regularly, and she is perfectly capable of getting through a longish service without being hugely disruptive (ie., she might need shushing occasionally and might not sit perfectly still, but she'll stay in our pew and won't talk or anything). But she usually doesn't have to, because the vicar will have her do altar service or help with collection, or someone will beckon her to come sit by them.

If you read accounts of churchgoing in, say, the Victorian period, although there's a lot of emphasis on older children needing to be disciplined (which in itself indicates they were regularly not very well behaved), people don't seem to have expected a three year old wouldn't be moving around a bit.

Bigballer · 02/09/2021 00:15

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MrsTerryPratchett · 02/09/2021 00:17

A 45 minute ceremony is about 40 minutes too long for me, never mind DD at 3.

I love children at weddings. My friend's loudly proclaimed she needed a poo just before the start. Friend was the bride! And at mine at least one child ended up in the fountain. More fun than watching a couple at the front of a church for 45 minutes!

Enough4me · 02/09/2021 00:22

My DD at 3.5yr was a bridesmaid alongside me for my friends wedding and sat quietly next to me through a Catholic wedding of around an hour with a bit of whispering towards the end.

I think the problem was probably having 2DCs and a nan who wasn't able to quietly manage them both.

Yaya26 · 02/09/2021 00:59

I'm puzzled why you were embarassed if they werent your kids? Were the bride and groom bothered?

Suzi888 · 02/09/2021 02:23

The children belonged to the B&G didn’t they? Grandma sounds a bit uselessGrin but probably wanted to see the ceremony.
My cousin’s children attended her wedding and were very well behaved, it’s all down to luck, and chocolate!

Kakser · 02/09/2021 03:54

4 year old maybe, but only with constant reminders. A class of reception children need constant shushing and managing in church, and many need to get up to go to the toilet. I can absolutely see that without someone capable looking after them, both a 3 and 4 year old would be noisy and fussy. A 3 year old would need to be properly prepped beforehand but realistically would need taken out after 10 or 15 minutes probably. There's a big difference between just 3 and nearly 4 though.

Poppins2016 · 02/09/2021 04:07

I suspect it depends on the child... Having said that, I voted YANBU due to my recent experience attending a wedding with my (almost) 3 year old and two other children who were actually 3... They all sat quietly with adults and only muttered quietly if at all. It probably helped that the adults with them were able to give them attention (rather than being part of the wedding party) though!

Themeparklover · 02/09/2021 05:04

Who on earth ticked Yanbu, you have clearly never been around young children... they might have adhd, asd etc, why are you shaming young children and their families op shame on you?

Meatshake · 02/09/2021 05:25

My almost 3 year old is a total hellion, i wouldn't expect him to be able to manage it so I wouldn't even attempt it. The more I shush him the brattier he becomes as he's a feral, defiant little beast 😂 he's a work in progress.

My daughter at the same age managed a very solemn wedding ceremony just fine, her personality is just a bit more quiet and observant. She was a lot more verbal at the same age, so she seemed to have better control of her emotions.

Difficult for Gran because she's out numbered!

Balonzette · 02/09/2021 05:32

YABU. Even I struggle to sit through a wedding ceremony 😴

Goatinthegarden · 02/09/2021 05:53

My nephew was 3 at my brothers wedding. My nephew was a very active, boisterous child. We made a big deal of how he had to be super quiet and my sister (his mother) and I sat either side of him. Various shiny trinkets were whipped out, the window next to our seats looked out onto an interesting estate which helped, there was a bit of shushing and eventually a sweetie. We got to the end without any outbursts but it wasn’t exactly relaxing.

He didn’t get anything out of being at the ceremony and he’s now 16 and doesn’t remember it. I missed big chunks of it because I was concentrating on entertaining a small child. It was probably a bit pointless having him in the room…