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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a 3 & 4 year old should sit quietly through a wedding?

264 replies

appleturnovers · 01/09/2021 22:08

I went to a wedding last week and I was pretty embarrassed as there were two children, 3 and 4 years old, who were just walking around wherever they wanted and speaking quite loudly, at points drowning out the vicar and even the bride and groom saying their vows. They were wandering around the altar, walking up the aisle, coming and standing next to the bride and groom, one of them even walked up behind the vicar as they were exchanging the rings.

In fairness, both sets of parents were part of the wedding party so were unable to do much, and the grandmother who was supposed to be minding them both was clearly trying but struggling to keep them in check.

I normally love seeing children at weddings as in my view weddings are a family event, and there were almost a dozen babies, toddlers and young children at my own wedding, but I don't remember a single one of them behaving anything like that. Then again, I don't have kids of that age myself so maybe I have unrealistic expectations about what sort of behaviour children that age are capable of...

So, AIBU to think that children aged 3 and 4 are old enough to sit reasonably still and quietly, (and I don't mean in complete silence, but perhaps whispering if they absolutely have to say something, and not wandering up to the bloody altar) during a 45 minute wedding ceremony?

OP posts:
darksideofbuttonmoon · 01/09/2021 22:17

DD1 could have managed that. DD2? I'm getting cold sweats just thinking about it!

Mscarna · 01/09/2021 22:18

It would be worrying if DC that age sat in silence for that length of time with nothing to do, without their main carers. I'd think there were something wrong with them myself.

Planty13 · 01/09/2021 22:18

No way would my 3 year old but at 4 then I’d have higher hopes but it wouldn’t a easy. I wouldn’t allow them to walk around though, I’d take them outside and I know my mother would do so for me if I was unable to.

toomuchlaundry · 01/09/2021 22:18

And this is why some people have childfree weddings on the basis that unless you have other entertainment for them large parts of weddings are really boring for young children.

Elverybaby · 01/09/2021 22:19

Totally depends on the child.

MeredithGreyishblue · 01/09/2021 22:19

They wouldn't have been happy to sit through a wedding, no. But equally mine wouldn't have been that badly behaved under their Granny's watch either! She'd have removed them if they played up.

Jangle33 · 01/09/2021 22:19

Grandmother should have taken them out and/or the parents should have had a proper contingency plan in place. Unacceptably poor planning - 45 mins at an adult event for small children is far too much.

ExecutiveHodCarrier · 01/09/2021 22:19

I voted YANBU by accident. My DD just turned 4 and would struggle for that long. We were at a guided tour (casual, drift in and out as you like vibe) recently at a historical site and she was super engaged and interested for about 25 mins, then got bored and started messing about so we moved away.

megletthesecond · 01/09/2021 22:20

Yabu.
Is this a reverse? Are you their stressed parent?

Ionlydomassiveones · 01/09/2021 22:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Zinfandelli · 01/09/2021 22:21

I wouldn't expect children that young to sit quietly through a long wedding ceremony. Which is the reason why mine will be child-free Grin

I was at a wedding recently where the bride's elderly grandfather apparently gave a very moving reading. I wouldn't know, because I couldn't hear over the sound of children crying, playing clapping games, and being placated with toys and snacks.

Cuddlyrottweiler · 01/09/2021 22:22

Not without someone looking after them. Poor planning there. My nieces were those ages at my wedding. They were sandwiched between their mothers and had activity packs for during the ceremony. I'd never have expected them to sit quietly through the whole ceremony without their mothers with them.

LuaDipa · 01/09/2021 22:25

Sorry but yabu.

My ds would probably have sat at that age but he was an absolute angel child. Dd would no doubt have tried to leg it out of the church as soon as my attention was elsewhere to find somewhere more interesting to play. Her behaviour would have been much worse around dgp (from both sides) as none of them were at all capable of ever saying no to her.

Age 3 and 4 is still very young, they can’t be expected to sit quietly for that length of time.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 01/09/2021 22:25

Why were you embarrassed?

And YABU. It could have gone better with some preparation and planning (distraction,toys,snacks,even a tablet) or if grandma could leave she should've taken them out. But your expectations are ridiculous for a 3 and 4 yo who had nothing to do , except listen to some boring speech and who weren't even with their own parents.

RedHelenB · 01/09/2021 22:27

3 and 4 years old is nursery age where they will be expected to sit quietly on a carpet for periods in the day at nursery school/reception. Obviously not as long as 45 mins but with colouring/screens/snacks/toys it should be doable.

Milkbottlelegs · 01/09/2021 22:28

Kids only start to learn to sit still and quietly once they go to school, and even then 45 minutes would be a stretch for most 5 year olds.

proudwomansexmatters · 01/09/2021 22:29

Our 2&3 yr olds managed to behave perfectly well through our wedding. The 2 year old by fluke tbh as he fell asleep pretty much as soon as he entered church 😂. The 3yo (almost 4) sat quietly for the service until the end and came up with us for the blessing.

I don't think it's too much to expect some level of good behaviour but I do think there needs to be a level of realism. And preparation. We spoke to the kids about what was going to happen on the day. Took them to church so it was familiar to them. Told them what was going to happen and who they would sit with etc etc.

If we had just rocked up to a wedding with no prep then I'd have been chasing my DS down the aisle and taking him outside!

itsgettingwierd · 01/09/2021 22:29

Some 3/4 yo will be able to sit down for that long - most likely they'd need something to entertain them.

However if they aren't sitting down then they should have been taken outside to run around rather than disturb the ceremony.

Fairunibutterfly · 01/09/2021 22:30

No, mine would never have sat still for 45mins at that age.

It’s hard without a main carer and at that age an activity pack would have only kept them interested for a short time unless you had lots of different things for them.

I get why granny couldn’t leave the wedding if it was her son/daughter getting married. Best thing would have been to have other caters who could take the children out of the wedding or have one parent out of the wedding party and with the kids. But a tough situation either way.

TheWelshposter · 01/09/2021 22:31

Church services are boring for kids, it's not their fault. They should have been taken out as soon as they started to disturb the bride and groom in any way

I have never brought my children to a church as I wouldn't expect them to sit through it quietly.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 01/09/2021 22:32

@RedHelenB

3 and 4 years old is nursery age where they will be expected to sit quietly on a carpet for periods in the day at nursery school/reception. Obviously not as long as 45 mins but with colouring/screens/snacks/toys it should be doable.
Yes for about 10 minutes at a time if that long and normally to listen for a story,do an activity,song,have a snack etc so suitably entertained.
Limitedhelp · 01/09/2021 22:32

It's not ok for a 3&4 year old to do this.

However to expect them to sit still for 45 mins. I think it's unrealistic. Especially if the parents are in the wedding party. I.e up front and where there were wandering (by the sounds)

It might have been quite different if the parents were in the audience.

Tricky though as it's not really great for them to be wandering around do stop. The grandma should have taken them out the room if they couldn't be discreet/minimise the wandering and interruptions

RubySlippers123 · 01/09/2021 22:32

@Poppop4

Honestly I’d struggle to get my 3 year old to sit and be quiet but I’d also take her outside if she wasn’t able to sit quietly I wouldn’t have let her roam around and be noisy at a Wedding
This.
Thatsplentyjack · 01/09/2021 22:33

That's quite a while for them yo sit, bit they absolutely should not have been allowed to roam freely. Unfortunately that's all too common now. I see it in restaurants amd cafes where waiting staff are trying to dodge children while carrying roasting hot food and drinks. Far too many selfish parents and indulged children around.

SeaToSki · 01/09/2021 22:34

Yes (with the caveat that it sometimes goes tit up despite best preparation), but the Gparent should have had a quiet activity in her bag to amuse them, like pipe cleaners or stickers. Then if they got chatty or restless should have taken them out. They would even have been better off playing at the back of the church than messing around the vicar etc and then the Gparent could have watched the service and managed the dc. Piss poor planning by all.