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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a 3 & 4 year old should sit quietly through a wedding?

264 replies

appleturnovers · 01/09/2021 22:08

I went to a wedding last week and I was pretty embarrassed as there were two children, 3 and 4 years old, who were just walking around wherever they wanted and speaking quite loudly, at points drowning out the vicar and even the bride and groom saying their vows. They were wandering around the altar, walking up the aisle, coming and standing next to the bride and groom, one of them even walked up behind the vicar as they were exchanging the rings.

In fairness, both sets of parents were part of the wedding party so were unable to do much, and the grandmother who was supposed to be minding them both was clearly trying but struggling to keep them in check.

I normally love seeing children at weddings as in my view weddings are a family event, and there were almost a dozen babies, toddlers and young children at my own wedding, but I don't remember a single one of them behaving anything like that. Then again, I don't have kids of that age myself so maybe I have unrealistic expectations about what sort of behaviour children that age are capable of...

So, AIBU to think that children aged 3 and 4 are old enough to sit reasonably still and quietly, (and I don't mean in complete silence, but perhaps whispering if they absolutely have to say something, and not wandering up to the bloody altar) during a 45 minute wedding ceremony?

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 01/09/2021 23:00

Our children have been to church a fair bit. We have never ever managed to keep them still and quiet with both of us sitting next to them working at it. (3 & 6 so well over 4!!) they might behave better at a wedding if it were suitably formal and their grandparents were sitting next to them but we wouldn’t be keen to both be in a wedding party at this stage. Maybe if it were aunts and uncles on the job, wouldn’t be fair putting that on grandparents.

ChristmasArmadillo · 01/09/2021 23:02

Mine are fine at weddings at that age, sit quietly etc, but they’ve been sitting through church services their whole lives so nothing new. If it was their first time at an event like that then it would’ve been near impossible. Their GM should’ve taken them out but probably didn’t want to miss the ceremony.

MyPatronusIsACat · 01/09/2021 23:04

Yeah I agree 'Churchgoer' children seem to be quite well disciplined/well behaved, but no way would a 3 year old be able to sit for 45 minutes without getting bored/fidgeting/chatting etc. No, not even a 3 year old of a Churchgoer.

Janaih · 01/09/2021 23:05

My 4yo sits through just over an hour of sunday mass but it has taken her whole life to train her and a steady supply of cheerios and books/quiet toys.
Between 2-3 years she mostly just ran around annoying everyone. But that's how kids learn.

Goldbar · 01/09/2021 23:05

How did parents manage during all those decades/centuries?

You were allowed to clout them around the ear if they so much as twitched in those days. My father was caned as a boy for misbehaving in church - he only did it once, apparently.

MyPatronusIsACat · 01/09/2021 23:05

It's because of the behaviour of children like the ones in @appleturnovers post, that people want child free weddings!

surreygirl1987 · 01/09/2021 23:06

Yes, I had a child-free wedding. And I don't take my children to weddings (1 and 2 years old) even if they are invited.

ANameChangeAgain · 01/09/2021 23:10

Catholic family here, where children were used to attending Mass from a very young age. They were provided with books, bribed with snacks and taught to whisper whilst Mass was read. They wandered up and down the pew, but never allowed to wander into the asile. They can have little lapses, my favourite moment was my DD loudly singing Happy Birthday when the Priest lit the candles, which made a few people laugh. Allowing children to stand with the Vicar or beside the bride and groom for goodness sake is ridiculous. Some people think everything is about their child and their children aren't given boundaries. If they were playing up they should have been taken outside.

Ugzbugz · 01/09/2021 23:12

When my DS was 3 he couldn't and wouldn't sit still for 45 seconds let alone 45 minutes being bored shitless

50ShadesOfCatholic · 01/09/2021 23:13

Four minutes or five at a stretch, yes. 45 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂

Goldbar · 01/09/2021 23:13

Masking tape and rope might do the trick.

converseandjeans · 01/09/2021 23:17

YANBU both mine would sit through mass at that age for at least 45 mins.

It sounds like nobody was really telling them what to do/not do though. So the problem is with the allocated baby sitter.

Peanutbuttercupisyum · 01/09/2021 23:17

I dunno..they did at my wedding!! Mine would, tbh. My 3 yo sat through an hour long funeral once!! Completely silent! Other than a very very quiet rustling of her haribo packet and her book. I was quite shocked. Most 4 year olds can be told and understand in advance of the need for quiet I would say. Particularly if everyone else is quiet

ChristmasArmadillo · 01/09/2021 23:19

@ANameChangeAgain

Catholic family here, where children were used to attending Mass from a very young age. They were provided with books, bribed with snacks and taught to whisper whilst Mass was read. They wandered up and down the pew, but never allowed to wander into the asile. They can have little lapses, my favourite moment was my DD loudly singing Happy Birthday when the Priest lit the candles, which made a few people laugh. Allowing children to stand with the Vicar or beside the bride and groom for goodness sake is ridiculous. Some people think everything is about their child and their children aren't given boundaries. If they were playing up they should have been taken outside.
My DD shouted out the (well, her) answer to a rhetorical question in church when she was about 2. Grin
DelphiniumBlue · 01/09/2021 23:21

I’d be wondering why no one was looking after them, it’s a pretty poor show if neither the parents nor the grandparents nor any of the guests were able to control the children and take them outside. OP says the parents were in the wedding party, not that they were the bride and and groom. Of course pre school children are not going to be able to sit quietly for 45 minutes without a lot of support, what were the parents thinking?

godmum56 · 01/09/2021 23:22

Did the wedding party mind? Do any of you know about the "messy church" movement? www.messychurch.org.uk.

BungleandGeorge · 01/09/2021 23:22

When I was young the little children were scooped out of the church service for Sunday school, which was play based. Likewise at weddings there might be a random adult outside with several kids. I don’t think kids have changed that much but society has and we now expect ofstead inspected premises, DBS checks and the like. Not necessarily a bad thing but it does mean that circumstances are different

Goldbar · 01/09/2021 23:25

It would be fantastic to have a cage play area for the under 5s at weddings. I would probably start gatecrashing weddings just to drop mine in the pen with the others if that became the norm. I could then hide my book in the order of service and have a relaxing read while the service was ongoing.

PullTheWeeds · 01/09/2021 23:26

You are both reasonable and unreasonable I think. I wouldn't let my children walk about or talk so loud that they drown out the vicar, that's rude, but neither could I make them sit quietly for 45 minutes.

It's just not a good environment for most children that age. I'd have to have them engaged with drawing or maybe lego, they could listen for a bit at the beginning but then also probably I'd need to take them out at some point before the 45 minutes was completed. Even as an adult I'd struggle to sit quietly and engaged for such an occasion. I mean I would mange to sit quietly but I'd feel fidgety, id get uncomfortable on my wooden pew, my mind would wander etc.

TableFlowerss · 01/09/2021 23:27

And that why I decided against having kids at my wedding. I’m so pleased with my decision for this exact reason.

Gimlisaxe · 01/09/2021 23:28

How did parents manage during all those decades/centuries?

Clip round the ear, with the mutterings of when I get you home, you will see what I can do?

I can't sit through a wedding without wanting to fidget, normally why I get the kids, at least we can all go out for a breather and I can happily blame it on the children why I missed it.

BungleandGeorge · 01/09/2021 23:30

@DelphiniumBlue

I’d be wondering why no one was looking after them, it’s a pretty poor show if neither the parents nor the grandparents nor any of the guests were able to control the children and take them outside. OP says the parents were in the wedding party, not that they were the bride and and groom. Of course pre school children are not going to be able to sit quietly for 45 minutes without a lot of support, what were the parents thinking?
Perhaps they didn’t realise? CofE and registry office weddings are usually a fair bit shorter than 45 mins. The only one I’ve been to longer than 30 mins is a catholic ceremony
NannyR · 01/09/2021 23:36

I think a lot of it depends on the parents expectations of their child's behaviour, as a nanny, I'm confident that I can keep a 3/4 year old quiet and engaged through a school assembly or church service, however I've also been in the same situation when the child's parent is "in charge" and she doesn't think it's possible for him to be quiet without loads of snacks and noisy activities and she thinks it's OK for him to walk about the room. His behaviour is totally different with the two different approaches.

I see in church too, that different parenting styles result in children behaving differently. We have a lot of African families at our church and (on the whole) their young children sit quietly, looking at books and drawing throughout the service, whereas other parents just look on adoringly as their kids run up and down the aisles.

My nephew is three and he sat through a funeral Mass a couple of weeks ago (no one to watch him, so he had to attend) and he did brilliantly, just needed the loo once but otherwise sat still and quiet.

Lessofallthisunpleasantness · 01/09/2021 23:37

Yes 3 and 4 year olds totally can but only if they are used to it from a young age. So church every Sunday for example. Daily family mealtimes sitting for an hour or more. It is like anything, training.

If they are not used to it then no they probably wouldn't stay sitting down and quiet.

Flipthatpancakehighboy · 01/09/2021 23:39

My 3 year old could sit for perhaps 20 minutes with colouring, games etc, but not much longer, I wouldn’t let her run around, we’d go outside quietly