To think a 3 & 4 year old should sit quietly through a wedding?

[appleturnovers]

I went to a wedding last week and I was pretty embarrassed as there were two children, 3 and 4 years old, who were just walking around wherever they wanted and speaking quite loudly, at points drowning out the vicar and even the bride and groom saying their vows. They were wandering around the altar, walking up the aisle, coming and standing next to the bride and groom, one of them even walked up behind the vicar as they were exchanging the rings.

In fairness, both sets of parents were part of the wedding party so were unable to do much, and the grandmother who was supposed to be minding them both was clearly trying but struggling to keep them in check.

I normally love seeing children at weddings as in my view weddings are a family event, and there were almost a dozen babies, toddlers and young children at my own wedding, but I don't remember a single one of them behaving anything like that. Then again, I don't have kids of that age myself so maybe I have unrealistic expectations about what sort of behaviour children that age are capable of...

So, AIBU to think that children aged 3 and 4 are old enough to sit reasonably still and quietly, (and I don't mean in complete silence, but perhaps whispering if they absolutely have to say something, and not wandering up to the bloody altar) during a 45 minute wedding ceremony?

I had a really well behaved (when out) 3 year old. There is no way she would have sat quietly for that length of time, especially if neither of us were there to keep her entertained.

I wouldn’t have let her disrupt proceedings but unrealistic to expect grandma to keep two of them quiet.

Totally normal natural behaviour for the 3yo at least, and also most 4 year olds.

What is not normal is that the grandparent didn't ferret them away outside when they started causing a disturbance.

First rule of kids at weddings and funerals, sit by the door, be ready to exit.

@PumpkinKlNG

No one is saying it’s ok just whether a 3/4 year old can manage it and mine wouldn’t, I struggle to keep her quite on the bus home from shopping for 15 mins never mind 45

Exactly. My 5yo would really struggle without support/ engagement/ entertainment. My 3yo would stand no chance.

I wouldn't allow them to wander around, but I wouldn't expect them to sit quietly with no interaction either.

I don't take them to weddings, I don't enjoy them if I do.

Difficult for kids, I think. Obviously how the parent/carer deals with it is the main factor.

I took DS to a wedding when he was 4 and he was well behaved until the end of the ceremony when he exclaimed "yay, it's over now!"

Yes of course they can manage it, if they have been brought up that way.

You can't realistically expect kids that age to sit through a wedding. It will be incredibly boring for them. Whoever was looking after them should have been prepared to take them out when they inevitably started playing up.

If heavily sedated of course they would.

Unrealistic, but someone should have taken them out or they shouldn't have gone to that part of the ceremony.

Also, how many children have had the opportunity to practice needing to sit quietly for any length over this last 18 months? It's not like church/ weddings/ events have been a regular occurrence.

My 3 year old wouldn’t be able to do it. Remember these children have been threw a pandemic and missed events even going to restaurants and normal socializing.

I would probably try to be a lot less judgmental if I was you. You don’t seem like a nice person

'Sitting still' - no.

'Not disturbing the service for others' - absolutely.

However, the latter is hard work for the adult(s) looking after them, would almost certainly interfere with the adult's own focus on the wedding, would require significant preparation and might entail a swift exit - ie it's a compromise. It can be done, by many children, with a reasonably firm adult, preferably 1 per child, with a very deep bag of quiet-but-occupying tasks - first the stickers, then the crayons, then the book, then the quiet car with soft wheels, then the tiny box iof raisins....then back to the stickers again....seated close to the back of the church. However it's not infallible and it can't be 'switched on' on the day by children who aren't used to that kind of expectation - it's something that, in general, children need to be brought up with.

*“Have you met any 3 or 4 year olds?”

I just hate this fucking passive ‘what can you do?’ attitude. 3 and 4 year olds might find it boring to sit through a wedding but that is no excuse to let them dominate or disrupt the proceedings - which in church are supposed to be solemn and sacramental. There is no excuse for allowing a child to do this - it’s just the result of selfish lazy arsed rude adults who don’t give a shit.*

Ffs where did I say it was ok to? I answered the op which didnt ask if they should have been removed etc (clearly they should). It asked if 3/4 yrs should be expected to sit still quietly for 45 minutes.

It’s the adults fault for not bringing some sort of activity or distraction for the children. Colouring or a bit of iPad.

YABU to expect children that age to sit quietly. However, the people looking after them were also unreasonable for allowing them to wander about. Someone should have taken them out

Yabu kids that age aren’t going to manage it. I laughed out loud that anyone would think a 3 year old would sit still. I found three one of the most shambolic ages.

I was at a wedding where a 3 year old had a tantrum, couldn't hear a word of what the bride or groom were saying, in the end the groom turned around and nodded indicating get the child out of here.

Yes it’s very possible but the adult needs to be prepared with things to do and lots of chewy sweets! Or prepared to take them out of needs be. Unless it was the best man/ person doing speech I’d have taken them out regardless of being part of the bridal party!

My 2.9 year old did ok at a wedding at the weekend but she was on my knee, whispering occasionally and we were outside so she was easily amused by the plane flying overhead repeatedly and the sun going in and out behind the clouds. To be honest she did better than expected and we'd been poised to dart her away if she was being a bit loud.

Generally at their ages I'd expect it to be possible to keep them reasonably quiet or at least in their seats/on the floor next to the seats with engagement from the adult with them or pre planned distraction tactics. I wouldn't expect to be able to basically ignore them and them stay still and quiet for that long.

A lot of children don’t go to church nowadays and can’t or won’t sit for that length of time however I know several 3 & 4 year old that do sit for that length of time quietly.

They should have been taken out if they started wandering about or had raised voices. I would have been upset if I had been that bride.

I think YANBU, the parents should have prepared activities to keep them occupied and quiet. My daughter was a flower girl at the age of 2 at my sisters wedding and even she managed to stay quiet the whole service because I made sure she was quietly entertained, I would be annoyed at the parents for not planning ahead and letting the kids act like that.

Our daughter sat still through a catholic wedding with full mass at 3.
We were gobsmacked! (And a bit smug )
That’s way too long for a 3 year old.

I was a bridesmaid when my DD was a toddler. DP was best man. DD kept running off so I chased after her and took her outside. The parents should really have done that.

Serious question: how come that decades ago, until recently, children DID sit still and shut up throughout weddings, funerals, Sunday morning church services every single week (and more for Catholics). There is not a chance in hell that children would have been allowed to be wandering around by the altar - vicar - marrying couple at any time in the last hundreds of years right up until the last 20 years, when all of a sudden it's deemed acceptable for children to run about, make noise and disrupt everything.

How did parents manage during all those decades/centuries?

@Nosferatussidebit

Also, how many children have had the opportunity to practice needing to sit quietly for any length over this last 18 months? It's not like church/ weddings/ events have been a regular occurrence.

That's a really good point actually that I hadn't considered. I was just thinking that one of the kids goes to church every Sunday with his parents - except of course he hasn't been for the last year and a half, which is half his entire lifetime!

I think you have a remarkable view of the capabilities of 3 and 4 year olds.