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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I have done more to accomodate their dietry requirement

166 replies

sliversurfer · 31/08/2021 22:04

I got married in 2019. We had a couple of vegan guests, so when picking options with experienced caterers, ensured that there were vegan options. The wedding breakfast was a cold buffet - bread, ham, cheese, vegan salads, olives, quiche plus individual vegan tarts for our v guests. The evening meal was chilli and there was a bean version.

One of the v. guests left early and we never saw her again. I heard through friend of a friend that she was annoyed that we'd not catered for her. I was slightly bemused but honestly, was one of many things I felt 'went wrong' at our wedding, and hadn't given it much thought until I bumped into another mutual friend recently who confirmed that she was indeed offended by our catering efforts and that she'd have needed more than salad to make the most of the free bar.

WIBU?

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 01/09/2021 07:47

The catering team then do whatever they feel like doing, lie to the hosts and let down everyone. That is the bit that is not OK. My family and friends haven't invited me to their weddings/celebrations expecting me to "pick up something later" to eat.

There are several points here, though - and none of them should really cause “offence” to a guest. If the caterers have lied and not provided the service they’ve been paid for, then the couple paying have every right to be upset and seek redress. If I can’t find something to eat because I don’t like it/others have raided the buffet before me of all the things I would choose to eat, then that’s a shame, but it’s hardly the end of the world. It’s not my day and a packet of crisps from the bar will tide me over. It certainly isn’t something I’d take offence at and slag off the friends who’d so kindly invited me.

moohoop · 01/09/2021 07:54

She's rude.

I'm a vegan and even if the tarts had been eaten by other guests I'd've lumped it and snuck to my car to get my contingency snacks!

DemelzaRobins · 01/09/2021 07:54

As a veggie I'm just grateful that someone has provided a veggie meal for me which is actually veggie at events.

I used to organise events in an old job and was surprised how many caterers don't know what vegetarian is, let alone vegan. I've had several insist vegetarians eat fish and chicken and a vegan is someone who doesn't eat any meat but does eat dairy, eggs and honey! This is within the last 5 years as well.

DH went to a wedding a few years ago where the veggie option was a fish pie. He just ate the veg on the side, plus the bread and communal veg and potatoes. He hasn't thrown a strop over it and hasn't stopped speaking to the bride and groom.

That said, DH and I did go to a wedding buffet where the bride arranged for veggies and vegans to be called up first which was very kind of her. I've been to a few buffets where there hasn't been enough veggie food as some caterers seem to assume no meat eater will deign to eat a salad or veggie side and don't provide enough to allow for this.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/09/2021 08:46

I’ve just frantically checked the menu email from my wedding from years ago to see if we catered to our vegetarian guests. Phew, we did! Hope no one was vegan

No need to panic; veganism wasn't a silly fad back then with countless pretend vegans jumpng on the bandwagon, but a rational choice which some chose to make and deal with

Obviously I can't know, but I'd lay good money that OP's "friend" is one of the more recent converts, and that it's more about attention seeking than any ethical stance

MumW · 01/09/2021 09:06

If I was at a friends wedding and couldn't eat the food, I'd buy crisps from the bar if I had to. A true friend wouldn't leave your wedding in a strop because her dietary needs were not catered for.
^this
I might be a little disappointed but I certainly wouldn't strop. In this case, the OP had made an effort, just not up do friend's expectations. In this situation, I'd thank the friend for organising a tart especially for me and love her more for making the effort.

youdoyoutoday · 01/09/2021 09:09

A friend stropping over lettuce leaves is no friend. Has your really changed in the past 2 years without this friend? No didn't think so!

youdoyoutoday · 01/09/2021 09:09

*Your life

IntermittentParps · 01/09/2021 09:18

I'm curious: who is she and why have you never seen her again? ie is she someone you could reasonably have expected to see again (part of a group of friends or similar).

'she'd have needed more than salad' is clearly inaccurate if she was personally served a tart and there was bread, vegan salads and olives. Not to mention a bean chilli!

Either she's a massive dickhead or the friend who reported this to you has got their wires crossed and it's got 'lost in translation'.

SoupDragon · 01/09/2021 09:21

Your friend sounds like the sort of vegan who gives vegans a bad name.

m0therofdragons · 01/09/2021 09:27

A veggie relative threw a strop at our wedding because “her” veggie option was offered to others. She had her food but felt only true vegetarians should get the Veggie option (maybe she was worried other veggies would miss out but we’d asked for extra veggie dishes to allow for that).

Lotusmonster · 01/09/2021 09:36

‘Offended’ !!!! Of fgs!!! How ridiculous. Needs to grow up and understand the wedding wasn’t about her it was about the happy couple.

CatJumperTwat · 01/09/2021 09:37

she was indeed offended by our catering efforts and that she'd have needed more than salad to make the most of the free bar.

I find it very hard to believe she said that.

Beautiful3 · 01/09/2021 09:40

A vegan tart with salad sounds nice. Perhaps she didn't like the tart so.just had the salad? Seems strange to be offended when you clearly offered a vegan alternative. Is it worth asking said guests for their feedback, on the food to pass onto the caterers? And do pass it on.

StiffyByng · 01/09/2021 09:47

The best catering I've ever eaten at a wedding was a totally vegetarian menu, lunch and evening buffet. Everything was gorgeous. Even though I'm not veggie, I would happily recreate that food at an event.

Bigassbeebuzzbuzz · 01/09/2021 09:54

Tbh at a buffet I would probably go for the vegan options to try them. As I suspect some other people would too.
I was vegetarian years ago so I can completely understand the lack of choice being an issue but then in a buffet I would cater for vegetarians then add some chicken drumsticks, sausage rolls etc for the meat eaters.
Some venues are brilliant at catering for diets others not so much.

GrannyWeatherwaxsHatpin · 01/09/2021 10:05

As someone who eats vegetarian/vegan when I'm out (i.e. when I haven't bought the meat myself) I understand the issue of the vegetarian/vegan food being snaffled by non-vegetarians/vegans, especially if it looks different and people want to try it.

However, that clearly wasn't the case here and your friend is being a CF. Sadly the entitlement of some knows no bounds - I once got told I was discriminating against someone with dietary needs because I'd provided a vegan/GF cake as an alternative to the standard cakes, but it wasn't the same sort and shape, ergo I was being unfair Confused

hibbledibble · 01/09/2021 10:12

The last wedding I went to had excellent vegan food options. It was varied and delicious, with vegan versions of everything, including the wedding cake, and a selection of vegan cakes for pudding.

A vegan quiche and salad does sound like a rather boring option, but caterers often don't make a lot of effort with vegans or vegetarians. Was it quite a small quiche? Were there vegan dessert options?

It doesn't sound like much effort regarding catering, but then it's silly to fall out with a friend regarding this.

IntermittentParps · 01/09/2021 10:15

A vegan quiche and salad does sound like a rather boring option No more 'boring' than a salad and a quiche Lorraine.
And for the main meal there was a bean chilli, which sounds substantial and interesting.
I'm not vegan or veggie but would and do eat both of these meals quite frequently.

StiffyByng · 01/09/2021 10:16

A veggie friend of mine was at a business dinner once. The first course was a plate of grilled vegetables, which was fine. The caterers then presented it to her again as her main, but without the nicest ones, so she got a large plate of chicory and not much else.

VeganVeg · 01/09/2021 10:16

It sounds like you catered for her, I don’t see the issue. I’m a vegan and to be honest even if the food was crap, not enough or whatever, there’s no way I’d mention it. It’s one day, even if I didn’t have anything to eat, I’d survive.
Just forget it, it was years ago.

SoupDragon · 01/09/2021 10:18

A vegan quiche and salad does sound like a rather boring option

Not in the context of the "cold buffet" that was on offer.

StiffyByng · 01/09/2021 10:22

I've been to many events with very indifferent catering regardless of meat/veggie/vegan specs, and it's never occurred to me to think about it afterwards. Sometimes the food is amazing, and that does stick in the memory, but mass catering is rarely anything special anyway. It would never feel like something I'd combust a friendship over. It all sounds really weird.

Happy36 · 01/09/2021 10:27

If vegan food was labelled clearly as such and ringfenced somehow to ensure that vegan guests were able to eat it (i.e. it wasn't taken by other guests), then YANBU.

Oblomov21 · 01/09/2021 10:28

You did cater for her. I'm flummoxed, both of my closest friends are vegan.

TractorAndHeadphones · 01/09/2021 10:38

@ANameChangeAgain

As a life long vegetarian I think you did a good job. We have so many different diets in our house its ridiculous- I'm vegetarian but eat majority vegan, DD eats white meat only and is lactose and gluten intolerant, DS has Childline on speed dial in case I give him two vegetarian evening meals in a row, DH eats anything but has a buffet phobia. My DD and I will make do, but DH and DS always have a local chippy clocked, this way they can sneak out, under the pretence of having to move the car, for a quick chippy tea and be back again without offending anyone. Your friend sounds hard work.
Why would them eating food they can be offending anyone ….
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