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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I have done more to accomodate their dietry requirement

166 replies

sliversurfer · 31/08/2021 22:04

I got married in 2019. We had a couple of vegan guests, so when picking options with experienced caterers, ensured that there were vegan options. The wedding breakfast was a cold buffet - bread, ham, cheese, vegan salads, olives, quiche plus individual vegan tarts for our v guests. The evening meal was chilli and there was a bean version.

One of the v. guests left early and we never saw her again. I heard through friend of a friend that she was annoyed that we'd not catered for her. I was slightly bemused but honestly, was one of many things I felt 'went wrong' at our wedding, and hadn't given it much thought until I bumped into another mutual friend recently who confirmed that she was indeed offended by our catering efforts and that she'd have needed more than salad to make the most of the free bar.

WIBU?

OP posts:
TractorAndHeadphones · 31/08/2021 22:32

She's probably got a bee up her bonnet about something else entirely and is choosing to make it all about this

spongedog · 31/08/2021 22:36

I have been a vegetarian for 40 years and have been on the receiving end of some absolutely shit vegetarian wedding food. Always I have been assured by the hosts that it has been taken care of and ordered - I believe the many friends/family who have said this.

My worst - late 80's - bridesmaid on top table - poached salmon turned up. I spoke discretely and politely to the waitress - ended up having to go to speak directly to the chef. Unluckily(?) for me groom's mother who had really organised the wedding saw and came over. I ended up with some shit. Apparently the chef thought vegetarians ate fish. (Later I was told the order had been clear but that didnt help me on the day).

I am guessing, as others have said, that other guests ate the vegan food. Normally labelling is poor and there is little to no supervision from wait staff with any knowledge of difference. I think you and the caterers could have guessed there could be issues. So I dont think you perhaps did all you could to accommodate the vegan request.

Niconacotaco · 31/08/2021 22:38

I sat next to a vegan at a posh wedding. Her pudding was a plate of sliced strawberries. Mine came with a variety of fruit plus some sort of dressing.
She wasn't annoyed at the bride and groom but she was v annoyed at the venue for making no effort but charging the same per head as for my delicious and beautifully presented food.

SmokeyDevil · 31/08/2021 22:39

Meh not that much of a loss of a friend. Sounds a bit entitled, thinks the world should revolve around them and their veganism. To still be annoyed about it 2 years later is just sad.

Benjispruce5 · 31/08/2021 22:43

Who do they think they are?? Forget them.

JollyAndBright · 31/08/2021 22:45

Life long vegan here.

I would have been ok with salad and olives, I would have been thrilled with an individual tart and even more so with me friendly chilli.

Just to have specific safe dishes is lovely and thoughtful.

Your friend is a dick.

LargeBouquet · 31/08/2021 22:47

I’m vegetarian and if I’d fallen out with every well-meaning friend whose wedding catering was a disaster for me — presented with salmon/ a stuffed marrow that tasted of watery mush/a plate of vegetables from which a portion of meat had obviously been removed from the steak-shaped splashes of gravy/ a vegetarian lasagne that looked as if it had gone through another person’s digestive system/ a pasta with tomato sauce from the hotel children’s menu/ shellfish etc etc — I’d be a hermit.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 31/08/2021 22:48

Being vegan is usually a lifestyle choice and if she chooses not to eat the food you provide then that's up to her. It's called fussy eating and I'm sick of people expecting to be served totally different food because of a passing fancy.

WimpoleHat · 31/08/2021 22:49

This is bonkers. As an adult, you accept that, when you attend a catered function, you may not like/be able to eat the food that is there. So you eat what you want and not what you don’t….and if you’re hungry on the way home, then you pick something up. Worst case, you basically miss a meal, which is unlikely to be the end of the world for most people (unless they have some sort of health condition, but then they’d be well advised to have had a snack in their bag as a precaution in any case). She may have been disappointed by her meal, which is a shame both for you and for her. But to be “offended” by it? Ridiculous.

NigellasCookalong · 31/08/2021 22:51

YANBU. I’m vegan and if I was close enough to someone to be attending their wedding then I’d be happy to make do with a plate of chips. Annoying but it’s only one day.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 31/08/2021 22:52

The vegan tarts were given directly to the vegans, not left on buffet

Fair enough - and why would non-vegan wine be an issue if they're "a big beer drinker" and could always pick a soft drink if they fancied a change?

NigellasCookalong · 31/08/2021 22:55

Just to say as well that as a vegan I’ve become used to having limited choice at places I can’t control. We went to a wedding recently where we had to stay overnight and I brought a variety of snacks and pot noodles so I wouldn’t starve - thank god I did too because the options were shocking. If I went to a full day wedding where I was returning home in the evening I’d pack a few protein bars in my bag. No big deal

SpindleWhorl · 31/08/2021 22:58

So a vegan friend is in a two-year huff because they couldn't get shit-faced on vegan wine at your wedding?

Really?

DroopyClematis · 31/08/2021 22:59

I wouldn't take it personally. It was two years ago.
Veganism is only just now being catered for in mainstream settings.
Maybe meat eaters just fancied the vegan option at your wedding. It's really difficult now to cater for large numbers, particularly if it's a buffet option.
If she's still annoyed then that's her problem, not yours, you catered but she didn't get. Tough.
Same goes for coeliacs, IBS sufferers. Hiatus hernia sufferers, gluten intolerant folk and those who are downright difficult to please.
Please don't fret.
It was two years ago.

spongedog · 31/08/2021 23:04

@WimpoleHat

This is bonkers. As an adult, you accept that, when you attend a catered function, you may not like/be able to eat the food that is there. So you eat what you want and not what you don’t….and if you’re hungry on the way home, then you pick something up. Worst case, you basically miss a meal, which is unlikely to be the end of the world for most people (unless they have some sort of health condition, but then they’d be well advised to have had a snack in their bag as a precaution in any case). She may have been disappointed by her meal, which is a shame both for you and for her. But to be “offended” by it? Ridiculous.
No, what is bonkers is that the lovely hosts ask their guests various questions and provide answers to the catering team. The catering team then do whatever they feel like doing, lie to the hosts and let down everyone. That is the bit that is not OK. My family and friends haven't invited me to their weddings/celebrations expecting me to "pick up something later" to eat.

I went to my cousin's wedding earlier this summer. I confess I cried - it had been delayed several times. My food was lovely. Proper veggie food. But it was a dry wedding- no alcohol. How would my cousin have felt if suddenly they had found that alcohol had been included in the dishes? A good caterer will accommodate.

ANameChangeAgain · 31/08/2021 23:04

As a life long vegetarian I think you did a good job. We have so many different diets in our house its ridiculous- I'm vegetarian but eat majority vegan, DD eats white meat only and is lactose and gluten intolerant, DS has Childline on speed dial in case I give him two vegetarian evening meals in a row, DH eats anything but has a buffet phobia. My DD and I will make do, but DH and DS always have a local chippy clocked, this way they can sneak out, under the pretence of having to move the car, for a quick chippy tea and be back again without offending anyone.
Your friend sounds hard work.

gofg · 31/08/2021 23:04

She doesn't sound like anyone I would want as a friend. Just forget about it OP, as a previous poster said she sounds like an entitled dick! What did she expect - all the food to be vegan just to accommodate two people? I would never complain about the food at a wedding, I'm mature enough to know it isn't all about me.

EspressoDoubleShot · 31/08/2021 23:07

You’ve made a considerable effort which was thoughtful (I’m vegetarian
It does happen meat eaters snaffle the veg & vegan options, annoying but not fault

Plumtree391 · 31/08/2021 23:18

It sounds as though you did your very best! Your guest is not very nice if she is still talking about it, for goodness sake that is downright rude. Nothing is ever perfect.

I'm glad you don't still see this rude person. Forget her.

spinachandchickpea · 31/08/2021 23:19

Your friend is forgetting the enormous amount of wedmin you’ve nearly sunk under, plus the fact that on your wedding day you’re a bit too busy with other things to ensure her meal is hand-delivered. I’ve been a vegetarian the last 25 years and back in the 1990s you often had to bring a sandwich or go hungry. Ignore the diva, you did great. Hope you enjoyed your day. Sounds like you were very generous and she’s massively overreacting. Don’t think about it again.

Hellotoallmyfans · 31/08/2021 23:28

Nah - she's a CF!

If I was at a friends wedding and couldn't eat the food, I'd buy crisps from the bar if I had to. A true friend wouldn't leave your wedding in a strop because her dietary needs were not catered for.
She's no friend - you're well rid!

Chloemol · 31/08/2021 23:46

Hmm be interesting to know if she intends to cater for the good old meat eaters and vegetarians at her wedding, or impose her veganism on them ( which has happed at some weddings)

midlifesomething · 31/08/2021 23:53

I’m vegan and what you offered seems more than fine to me. When I go to parties, weddings it’s for the event and the people, not the food. I am the “awkward” one so always have a few snacks on me just in case, i’d never expect anyone to stress over feeding me. You did good xx

TonyThreePies · 01/09/2021 00:02

Sometimes with buffets the vegan and vegetarian stuff gets nabbed by the meat eaters.

Exactly this. I have catered for a number of events and watched the meat eaters shovel the veggie/vegan option onto their plate of meat as a side dish. It's quite possible this happened and she didn't realise that you had catered for her. It's a bit dramatic to stop talking to you because of it though!

GrandmaSteglitszch · 01/09/2021 00:04

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

Did the vegans get a look in on the vegan tarts? Or did they get snaffled by omnivores?
This is what tends to happen. As a non-vegan host, tho, you wouldn't know that.