Page 7 | To be a bit annoyed DH has decided he’s going back to the office the day I go back to work

Pinknoises · 2021-08-31T20:13:51+00:00

Have been pleading with him for weeks to go back, and he announces this tonight. Sigh.

DappledThings · 01/09/2021 08:47

@Pinknoises

Full time, yeah. Will have holidays though … I swear if he decides to stay at home those days

Trouble is if he does do so then I suspect that angry face emoji will be internal seething again rather than actually explaining out loud how you feel.

IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 01/09/2021 08:47

I think the problem is Matty, once you’ve tried to communicate and it has not worked, you’re stuck! no you just keep communicating. And maybe try communicating differently.

IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 01/09/2021 08:49

@Tinpotspectator

I was wondering if it is deliberate? Does he want to keep an eye on you or something, and feels it safe to go back because you have? Obviously I realise that could be nonsense.

I too am wondering this. How is he in other areas of your life? Is he quite controlling? Does he keep tabs on you when you do go out?

DoubleEx · 01/09/2021 09:03

Why do you feel stuck? There are many different and easy solutions to this issue but you’re very resistant to them - why is that?

The life you describe is joyless and claustrophobic. How you and your DH are loving is not normal.

On your previous threads you never explained why he couldn’t go and work in the bedroom, only to say that it was out of the question. I’m wondering why it was never an option? It’s one thing if your bedroom is literally a cardboard box, but if it’s big enough for a double bed, it’s big enough to work in. Why doesn’t he?

What would happen if you said to him “please can you go to the office tomorrow? I want to invite my friends round and we will be uncomfortable with you here because you’ll be physically in the way, but also able to overhear our private conversation.”

LannieDuck · 01/09/2021 09:13

What reason has he given for going back to the office now after refusing all summer?

gannett · 01/09/2021 09:15

@HoppingPavlova

*I don’t understand why you didn’t just say to him “okay, it might not be a problem for you but I want the house to myself so my friends can come round and we can have some space, so please go to the office on X day. I want to spend time with them without you here”.

Is this a thing? I have a full house of numerous adult children and a DH, now all a combo of WFH full time, WFH part-time, studying at home full-time, studying at home part time.

In no world do we make some weird roster to ensure only one of us are home at the one time, dictating everyone else must be out, so we can invite friends around! If we want friends we invite them. The reality is there will be others home, and as we are a packed house with numerous adults, chances are there will be quite a few people here. I can’t think of a time where any one of our ‘general common’ areas (not bedrooms) wouldn’t either have someone else in it doing something or people walking in and out for whatever reason. We don’t ‘spy’ on each other, we don’t ‘control’ each other - it’s just living with other humans. You can’t ask people to go hide in their rooms because you want friends over FFS, how very odd!

I’m not getting the issue. If you wanted friends over just invite them. Do whatever you want around your DH. If it’s an issue for him, he can take himself out. If it doesn’t bother him he stays in-situ. Problem is what?

This is what I find weirdest about all the "I hate my husband's very presence when he works from home" threads.

If a place is my home I am going to be present in it as and when it pleases me. If I don't feel like going out for a week I won't. If I can WFH then I will (and I have for a decade). I would not take kindly to being asked to leave the house just because my existence is resented.

Don't get me wrong, I crave my own space. So does DP. When we were both WFH (or when he's on summer holiday) it's not my ideal. But we're respectful enough of each other to give each other that space even if we're both in the flat, and not to outwardly resent the other for existing.

sueelleker · 01/09/2021 10:12

Perhaps because you won't be there to run around after him? (Bring him cups of tea, make his lunch etc)

BoredZelda · 01/09/2021 18:27

‘You won’t, it’s not a problem.’

YABU just for this. He told you it was ok to entertain, you decided it wasn’t. The one thing that pisses me off more than anything in our house is if someone asks me if something is ok to me, or if I say something won’t be a problem to me, but they decide I don’t know what I’m talking about and decide for me. They then don’t do the things they want to do and nobody is happy.

Original poster

Pinknoises · 01/09/2021 18:39

It’s a problem for me.

OP posts:

Oldbutstillgotit · 01/09/2021 18:56

What is he like in other areas of your life OP? I read your other thread ( different name?) and at first wasn’t overly understanding ( sorry ) but reading this makes me think there is something else going on !
When I retired my DH tonight we would do everything together . We get on really well but sometimes I just need my own space so I empathise .

Original poster

Pinknoises · 01/09/2021 19:35

Nothing else is going on.

DH was working from home.

I was also at home on maternity leave and because someone was working from home couldn’t really relax and enjoy the time at home.

Now I am back he has decided to go back.

That is it!

OP posts:

AllotmentTime · 01/09/2021 20:02

I get that it’s hard to find the right words, but you’ve had an entire mat leave and a lot of help from MN by the sounds of things to make yourself hard. Instead you have massively inconvenienced yourself rather than try and communicate your needs to your DH.

Why do you think that is?

AllotmentTime · 01/09/2021 20:03

^make yourself heard

Original poster

Pinknoises · 01/09/2021 20:06

I have tried, and while I have no doubt some think they are being helpful, a lot of posts do tend to centre to the point of obsession around him working in a bedroom.

I have sounded off, had a moan, I think that’s all that’s needed

OP posts:

DrSbaitso · 01/09/2021 20:11

Men aren't good at being alone.

ChaneySays · 02/09/2021 20:41

@DrSbaitso

Men aren't good at being alone.

Not sure about this. The thread premise is that some of the women don't want to go out without their husband, which isn't often a situation you see in reverse.

On average, men tend to have more initiative than women IMO - e.g. being able to change a tyre on their own. I'm amazed how many of my mates can't even put screen wash in their car or check and fill the oil. Not bashing women but I call a spade a spade.

KangarooSally · 03/09/2021 06:06

You guys need some couples counselling right away, there's obviously no communication between the two of you

KangarooSally · 03/09/2021 06:25

@AllotmentTime

I get that it’s hard to find the right words, but you’ve had an entire mat leave and a lot of help from MN by the sounds of things to make yourself hard. Instead you have massively inconvenienced yourself rather than try and communicate your needs to your DH.

Why do you think that is?

Definitely this. It is much healthier if you say exactly what you mean and you both try to make each other happy than carry a massive chip on your shoulder and hope that your other half gets the message through passive aggressive hints.

I don't understand why you'd want to be married to someone you can't honestly express your feelings to, who you don't like to have around, and who you don't want to make happy except in some weird passive aggressive way.

Doesn't bode well for the retirement years

chocolateorangeinhaler · 03/09/2021 07:03

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Original poster

Pinknoises · 03/09/2021 07:31

That ‘lifestyle I am accustomed to’ is a misogynistic comment and I am calling it as such.

I work full time. Even if I did not it would not mean I ‘deserved’ never to enjoy my own home. I am as entitled as he is to relax and enjoy being at home when I am at home, whether that is for holidays, on leave when unwell/maternity or just when I am not at work.

There is no problem with him being at home. The problems have stemmed from him working at home.

OP posts:

BigFatLiar · 03/09/2021 09:05

That ‘lifestyle I am accustomed to’ is a misogynistic comment and I am calling it as such.

Don't think the term is in itself misogynistic.

Draculahhh · 03/09/2021 09:32

I get this OP, my DH has been working from home for the last two years. We live in a really tiny house which has meant him sitting on his arse in my living room, with the rest of us tip toeing around trying not to make noise because he's on the phone.

Its bloody soul destroying.

I think he got so used to being at home that he forgot the benefits that come with being around colleagues and the clear definition of work and home life. He went back to the office Wednesday and he's loving it and I have my house back. Maybe once yours goes back into work and sees the benefits of it again it wont be an issue in the future.