To be a bit annoyed DH has decided he’s going back to the office the day I go back to work

[Pinknoises]

Have been pleading with him for weeks to go back, and he announces this tonight.

Sigh.

Deliberate and nasty move by your DH.

@Pinknoises

And TBH I suspect it is an attempt to get out of doing any night wakings, as he will be up early and back later. I could be wrong.

How does that work? You'll be working too. It needs to be split.

Can you not just invite people over anyway and if it annoys him he might go back earlier? That's what I did in similar circumstances last year.

‘It is possibly true I should have been more direct, but I don’t want a horrible atmosphere, he is a decent person’

Communicating your needs to someone who likes and respects you doesn’t end in a ‘horrible atmosphere’ - so why would he create one?

My ex was like this. He hated me being at home without him. If I took a day off sick he'd stay home to 'look after me' but it usually involved him picking a fight. He was a nasty control freak who turned into an abusive bully. It took 8 years before I left him, it was a relatively slow build of increasingly controlling behaviour. Not saying your OH is anything like this but I remember the feeling of having no time to myself very well. Sorry it's so rubbish OP.

Your husband must be really thick to not 'understand' that him wfh in an open plan space caused you issues!
You explained it often enough to him.
As said often on your previous thread he is an asshole. I don't know why you refuse to see it.

I’m on leave this week. DH is wfh today.

He asked what time I was going out this morning. I said I’m taking the dc to nursery and then I’m coming back to veg on the couch and watch tv for a bit.

Apparently that won’t work. Because he’s working (from the dining room table). He knew I’d be home this week. So I’m just going to carry on.

Unlike the op my dh can work upstairs so I’m going to suggest this. If not. I’m just carrying on as planned.

If you want your friends around during the day send him to work in the bedroom. Could they come around at the weekend when he wasn't working and you could send him of on his own with the baby for a few hours?

He's probably happy working from home because you're there. Now you're gong back to work that big plus is no longer there so he may as well go back to the office where he'll have company. On the plus side he prefers being with you and the baby to being at the office with work mates. On the downside he may find a post work visit to the pub with said workmates is better than an evening at home with a resentful wife and baby.

@ememem84

I’m on leave this week. DH is wfh today.

He asked what time I was going out this morning. I said I’m taking the dc to nursery and then I’m coming back to veg on the couch and watch tv for a bit.

Apparently that won’t work. Because he’s working (from the dining room table). He knew I’d be home this week. So I’m just going to carry on.

Unlike the op my dh can work upstairs so I’m going to suggest this. If not. I’m just carrying on as planned.

It's your home not an office.

Unless you have a set 'office' available in its own room then you both need to be accommodating of each other. He needs to understand you want to relax at home so go find somewhere quiet to work, You just leave him to get on with it.

@TheStoic

How soon will you be back in the office? Have you had a proper conversation about how night wakings/drop offs/sick days will work?

Definitely have this conversation if you haven’t! As you work in education you (presumably) can’t have term-time absences easily but will cover the holidays so get an agreement up front about who’s calling their boss when nursery is closed/DC needs an early pick-up/is too ill to go in. Nothing worse for resentment than feeling simultaneously put-upon to be the parent who stays and letting down work. And it’s easy for even the best-intentioned partner to just fall into the trap of not being along responsibility for childcare, chores etc as the patterns often set on maternity leave of the woman doing the bulk of everything persist. If your husband struggles to see why things are difficult for other people and is rigid in his viewpoint then he won’t be anticipating your needs and how things change. So get a rock-solid agreement.

The thing is that you have always basically had the same two options:

Communicate more clearly - every time you post an example, your communication is passive and hinty "I would like you to go to the office for a day, I know you're not bothered but I am" not this weasily "it will disturb you" stuff

Get over it and work around it - socialise outside of your house or at weekends or whatever.

Whinging about it on here and basically just saying endlessly that there are no possible solutions isn't going to make you any happier

OP are you scared of him?

I may not be remembering correctly but did he buy the house before he met you?

Are you worried that he'll ask you to leave if you push too much to ask him to go back into the office?

If you are not scared of him then for whatever reason there's a communication issue or he really is a vindictive twat who doesn't care about you.

@BigFatLiar That’s what I’m doing. Just leaving him to it and carrying on. He has the option of working in another room.

You need to communicate more clearly.

No not scared. Matty I have acknowledged this. I know that this is just life, now. Doesn’t mean I can’t moan about it.

Matty?

@Pinknoises

No not scared. Matty I have acknowledged this. I know that this is just life, now. Doesn’t mean I can’t moan about it.

But why moan if you're not willing to do anything about it?

Why can you just tell him you want the house to yourself for a bit before you go back to work?

I like a good moan! It's ok to have a moan about stuff.

But why can’t you tell your husband directly he’s being annoying? Why can’t you scream at him? Why do you have to pretend you don’t have feelings or that they don’t matter? The ship has sailed on this WFH thing now which is a real shame but there will (frequently) be other times when you need to speak up for what you need. It’s interesting that you think being direct about what you want will cause a horrible atmosphere.

Oops didn't realise that we couldn't link to a previous thread, was that not you OP?

Op, I have been pondering on this (up about a billion times last night with dc2 who after 2 am only slept for 20 minute intervals. I had a lot of time to think 😂 )
So we all have a "thing" that others might find odd or difficult but it might not occur to us that others find it strange. I might considering, from the outside looking in, what your DH does as inconsiderate or selfish but maybe he just doesn't see it that way.
My DH is great but he is totally forgetful. To the point where it's little things, like buying takeaway coffee and leaving it in the shop, to bigger things like leaving the hob on (that one worries me but we have a system in place now.) I used to think that he didn't care enough to remember and it hurt my feelings but over time I realised that it is just who he is. It's his "thing." I can't change it, I've tried! I've just learned to accept it and make the best of it. I genuinely believe he doesn't do it on purpose either. He's just really bad at remembering things.
This doesn't stop me having the occasional moan/worry or conversation about it. I am still affected by his forgetfulness but I just live with it. Op, I think I get where you're coming from. Don't ask me what my "thing" is though, I'm pretty close to perfection 😂

@Pinknoises

Callmeastalker

Sorry didn't realise that wasn't you in the last thread

@Pinknoises

Shining, a typical conversation would be

‘If you went in the office maybe a day next week that would be GREAT because I could have Rebecca and Davina round? They’ve been wanting to visit.’

‘They could visit, it’s not a problem.’

‘But we’ll be loud and disturb you.’

‘You won’t, it’s not a problem.’

aarrrrrggghhhh

So why didn't you call his bluff and invite them round?

I was wondering if it is deliberate? Does he want to keep an eye on you or something, and feels it safe to go back because you have? Obviously I realise that could be nonsense.

Op were you the one that didn't like the living room because you couldn't work the blinds and wouldn't change the blinds.

And also had a room set up with a TV and things for the baby, to spend time in there instead of the living room. But he would just appear in the doorway almost like he was supervising you?

Has he been WFH the while entire Mat leave even though he's had a choice? My employer would let me go into the office if I was unable to work from home. Why didn't you just invite the people round who you wanted round? Have you actually asked him to go back as you find his presence stifling?