To be a bit annoyed DH has decided he’s going back to the office the day I go back to work

[Pinknoises]

Have been pleading with him for weeks to go back, and he announces this tonight.

Sigh.

@Pinknoises

And TBH I suspect it is an attempt to get out of doing any night wakings, as he will be up early and back later. I could be wrong.

And who is doing childcare drop offs when this happens? It sounds like his work is flexible as to where and when

@Pinknoises

I don’t think he really dislikes anyone. I’m a bit lost as to why you think he doesn’t like me … I’m not being rude there, just genuinely don’t see what you’re apparently seeing.

From his POV WFH isn’t a problem. I can do whatever I want, it’s just he’s there. And he’s on hand to help. Great!

Except …

Except what?

I would be so annoyed if I were you. I'm actually seething on your behalf right now...

But I don't get one thing - if you pleaded with him for weeks how could he just 'not understand how WFH causes problems'? Surely you were making the problems very clear as part of your pleading? In which case, he chose to just ignore your feelings on this, in deference to his own. In which case, I agree with others, twat.

Except he’s a pain in the bloody arse!

Shining, a typical conversation would be

‘If you went in the office maybe a day next week that would be GREAT because I could have Rebecca and Davina round? They’ve been wanting to visit.’

‘They could visit, it’s not a problem.’

‘But we’ll be loud and disturb you.’

‘You won’t, it’s not a problem.’

aarrrrrggghhhh

@Pinknoises

Shining, a typical conversation would be

‘If you went in the office maybe a day next week that would be GREAT because I could have Rebecca and Davina round? They’ve been wanting to visit.’

‘They could visit, it’s not a problem.’

‘But we’ll be loud and disturb you.’

‘You won’t, it’s not a problem.’

aarrrrrggghhhh

Why didn't you invite them then and be extra loud

Because there would have been no enjoyment at all for me or them. And he meant it. He wouldn’t care. He genuinely can’t see why it’s a problem.

Was the living room the only place he could have worked?

You were being too passive in your request, you haven’t told him that you want him out the way for YOU

I understand why you would want him out of the house at times but I don't understand why you phrase your "typical" conversation as you describe about? I.e. about inconveniencing him. Why don't you say it affects you?

Couldn’t you have communicated that?

So he says ‘they could come it’s no problem’ and you could say ‘it is a problem, we won’t be able to use the house comfortably as you’re working in the middle of it.’

He is a decent and kind man and human being.

And yet…

You’ve had a fair few threads about his ‘inability’ (or unwillingness) to see a problem or even understand a problem and change behaviour.

You’re suspicious he’s doing this not to do night wakings and early mornings.

You’re so uncomfortable in his presence you curtail your options/bend to his preferences whilst he doesn’t ever change.

Many posters have pointed out he seems potentially a huge arse - but you always defend him whilst saying you hate the effects of living with him.

Is he decent and kind?
It really is quite hard to know.

He wouldn’t care. He genuinely can’t see why it’s a problem

Because you'renot telling him .

It made no difference. It was actually the dining room, but the layout of the house means wherever he works there is little space or privacy. So him WFH did massively impede on me, tbh. Not when I didn’t have DC but afterwards.

That obviously could not be helped during lockdown. I wouldn’t suggest it could.

I have struggled with the lack of personal space and privacy. And it does rather grate that once I am out of the house, he will return on a part time basis to the office.

I bet you're a joy to live withp

But nowhere have you indicated that you are telling him how much you are struggling with lack of personal space and privacy.

If you have and he refused to alter his behaviour he's an arse.

If you haven't told him then how's he to know?

So you say - is there a day this week you could work in the office as I want to invite some friends round for a coffee?
If he insists it will be fine if he stays you say ‘no, we need some privacy to talk’

Squirrels no. That’s not it.

My mum was fundamentally a lovely woman. Very kind, the sort of woman who used to buy presents for siblings when it was their brother or sisters birthday ‘so they wouldn’t feel left out.’ She also absolutely did my head in bustling round the house all day. Sticking her head round the door ‘aren’t you up yet’. Made a lemon loaf cake and offered me a slice at least once an hour. I’m watching TV, I go to the toilet, I return, the TV is off.

None of it meant I didn’t absolutely adore her or she me. I’m sure she would have been able to list equally irritating things I did too.

But these are normal when you live with someone. I shouldn’t have to explain this and have a more sinister twist out on it. The difference between DH and my mum is he never leaves the house. I get no respite at all.

I’ve tried but he doesn’t get it and I can’t find the words, without sounding like ‘you are annoying.’ Even though he is!

And it is done now so berating me for doing it all Wrong is pointless.

I have struggled with the lack of personal space and privacy. And it does rather grate that once I am out of the house, he will return on a part time basis to the office.

It is 100% shit.
But to be strictly fair you did know that was going to happen as you mentioned it on your last thread.

You just have to get more comfortable with asserting your needs unequivocally.
Either he’s controlling/abusive (you say not), selfish (not uncommon!) or you’re not ‘speaking his language’.

I need space & time & the house to myself. I sympathise HUGELY. My DH does not and actively prefers everyone being together. It is a challenge but I am good at saying ‘I need this’ and he is good at understanding ‘OK, if I give this we all win.’

No one’s relationship is without challenges but clear communication is so so important.

@youaresunshine

I bet you're a joy to live withp

Go on, what makes you think I’m not. Pray do tell.

Is it the fact I go out for hours every day so DH has quiet and space to work in?

No? Must be that I do all the housework and try not to make too much of a mess during the day.

Still not that? Must be that I always get up to see to the baby overnight, right?

No? So do tell me, what is it?

Problem is Squirrels I say I need apples he says here have an orange.

That is the issue. And like I say it is now done.

Still annoys me though!

Oh calm down, will you? Nothing like proving a point. I read your other thread. No one could do enough to help you even when they were just listening to you.

And it is done now so berating me for doing it all Wrong is pointless

People are trying to help you - not berating you. Yes, maternity leave may be over but the issues will arise in different ways. If you can't find a way of communicating that works for both of you, then you will continue to be miserable

@Pinknoises

Problem is Squirrels I say I need apples he says here have an orange.

That is the issue. And like I say it is now done.

Still annoys me though!

So he doesn't listen to you at all? Is he this clueless with other people? Or is it just you he disregards?