Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit annoyed DH has decided he’s going back to the office the day I go back to work

172 replies

Pinknoises · 31/08/2021 21:13

Have been pleading with him for weeks to go back, and he announces this tonight.

Sigh.

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 31/08/2021 23:21

Perhaps he enjoyed wfh because he was with you and the baby?
Now you're going back to work he may as well if that was his reason.

TempName01 · 31/08/2021 23:21

I give up, you’re being a martyr and like typical martyrs will not take any advice such as simply telling your partner you need some space and privacy. YANBU for your feelings but you will be in this situation for your whole life if you never address it.

TempName01 · 31/08/2021 23:24

Also you should not have to worry about your partner walking in on you in the bathroom

Original poster
Pinknoises · 31/08/2021 23:24

That’s just a way of keeping me in my place though, and it won’t work.

My friendships are important and DH WFH has impeded upon them, because I can’t realistically ask friends who live a long way away to come up to spend a couple of hours in Starbucks or wherever.

I’m not going to be told that’s not important.
It is.

I don’t think I am a martyr either, but if you ask someone to do something and they won’t, then there’s not a lot you can really do. I’m not sure why you have dramatically declared that you ‘give up’ though. I actually think these threads bother some people more than the situation actually bothers me.

OP posts:
ChaneySays · 31/08/2021 23:26

But what about what he wants? All I'm hearing is "me, me, me".

Original poster
Pinknoises · 31/08/2021 23:29

He’s getting what he wants, so I’m not really sure I see your point there, I’m afraid.

He wanted to WFH and did.

Now he wants to go back to the office, and is.

So genuinely, what point are you trying to make?

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 31/08/2021 23:33

@Pinknoises

Full time, yeah. Will have holidays though … I swear if he decides to stay at home those days Angry
Well you won't say anything to him if he decides to stay home on your holidays, so he probably will. If you don't want him to you will need to have a conversation rather than skirting the issue.
thenewduchessofhastings · 31/08/2021 23:35

So you're returning to work following maternity leave;and he decides now to go back to the office.

Well of course he would because him being WFH and not having to commute might mean he'd get roped into nursery pick up and drops offs or be asked to help get the baby ready in the morning;no doubt OP that'll be your job.

Out of interest when you return to work will he be pulling his weight around the house or assisting with night wakings?

Original poster
Pinknoises · 31/08/2021 23:37

I’ve tried to have that conversation but haven’t got anywhere. So I have pretty much given up. I still feel a bit annoyed, though!

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 31/08/2021 23:40

I agree with this

Well of course he would because him being WFH and not having to commute might mean he'd get roped into nursery pick up and drops offs or be asked to help get the baby ready in the morning;no doubt OP that'll be your job.

Sometimes blokes we think of as really nice do things just to suit themselves.

Are you able to wfh?

UrbanRambler · 31/08/2021 23:43

So, you were on mat leave but he cramped your style by dominating the space by WFH. Your home is on one level (bungalow perhaps?) so wherever he is you never felt you had any real headspace to do your own thing, either with or without female friends. Then right at the end of your mat leave, he decides to return to the office, meaning your home will be empty for hours each day, for the first time in a year, but you no longer have the opportunity to enjoy that space quietly. No wonder you're pissed off, that would do my head in! It's almost as though he's racked his brain to come up with the most annoying thing possible, then has done it at just the time to maximise the annoyance caused!

YANBU, that all sounds maddening! In truth, I think a lot of men don't realise how much women crave their own space, and it does seem to be a common theme on many threads where men are WFH and their wives come on MN to let off steam about their annoying ways. I struggled with similar feelings when DH and I were both on furlough during lockdown - we live in a 2 bed semi and it seemed that no matter where I went, or what I did, he was there, getting in my space. In the end I had to spell it out to him, that just because we're married that doesn't mean I want his company 24/7. So, I feel your pain, OP, but have no answers, except maybe talk to him honestly.

RedHelenB · 31/08/2021 23:43

@Pinknoises

Shining, a typical conversation would be

‘If you went in the office maybe a day next week that would be GREAT because I could have Rebecca and Davina round? They’ve been wanting to visit.’

‘They could visit, it’s not a problem.’

‘But we’ll be loud and disturb you.’

‘You won’t, it’s not a problem.’

aarrrrrggghhhh

So I'd have had them round
DoubleEx · 31/08/2021 23:51

From his POV WFH isn’t a problem. I can do whatever I want, it’s just he’s there. And he’s on hand to help

But from your other posts it sounds like he doesn’t help and is in fact strategically going back to the office so he can swerve night walkings and nursery drop offs.

I’ve tried but he doesn’t get it and I can’t find the words, without sounding like ‘you are annoying.’ Even though he is

Why are you afraid to tell him he’s annoying? I tell my husband when he’s annoying me. If he’s manspreading his work all over the kitchen he gets told to move and stop taking up all the communal space. Once it’s pointed out to him, he can easily understand that his space-hogging is inconveniencing me. The problem is your DH is either oblivious to the point of there being something wrong with him, or he’s being maliciously obtuse.

I should have been more direct, but I don’t want a horrible atmosphere

This is concerning. How would this horrible atmosphere manifest? Him passive aggressively sulking? Him getting hurty feelings and guilt tripping you because you quite reasonably pointed out he was being a selfish arse?

It’s very hard to put my finger on what exactly it is about your threads that are clanging alarm bells for me. This situation has always been so easily solvable, assuming everyone involved are rational and reasonable people. The fact that you’ve had three threads about this and he’s been ignoring your pleading (although still unsure what form or content the pleading actually takes beyond indirect hints that it might be nice to have some friends over) for weeks.

He definitely gets it. The concerning question is why is he pretending not to?

DoubleEx · 31/08/2021 23:53

@Pinknoises

I’ve tried to have that conversation but haven’t got anywhere. So I have pretty much given up. I still feel a bit annoyed, though!
What conversation?
me4real · 01/09/2021 00:09

if you ask someone to do something and they won’t, then there’s not a lot you can really do

@Pinknoises I think what people are saying is that you could be more assertive. I know it's done now but that is something you could do going forward. Especially as you say he's an ok guy really. If you had pushed for it would he've pulled faces? That's not ok.

One random point- could you all move to somewhere with a bit more privacy? I would need that and it seems like you do too.

minipie · 01/09/2021 00:24

“Shining, a typical conversation would be

‘If you went in the office maybe a day next week that would be GREAT because I could have Rebecca and Davina round? They’ve been wanting to visit.’

‘They could visit, it’s not a problem.’

‘But we’ll be loud and disturb you.’

‘You won’t, it’s not a problem.’”

OP, surely at this point your next line is “Ok maybe it’s not a problem for you, but it’s a problem for me because we won’t really be able to chat and relax in the same way if you’re there working”. But you say you don’t want to be that direct as it would cause an atmosphere??

It seems like either a) he is a very literal type and if you say “I don’t want to disturb you” he thinks that’s literally all you mean, so if he says it won’t disturb him, the problem is solved.

Or b) he is deliberately being obstructive, and you feel obliged to make everything about his needs rather than yours because you’re worried about his reaction if you express needs of your own.

You won’t know which it is until you start being more direct.

As an aside, why would him returning to WOH have any impact on night wakings? You are both parents, you both need sleep, you share the night wakings.

minipie · 01/09/2021 00:27

Sorry I seem to have made up the bit about him not doing night wakings if he WOH, apologies if so

Moelwynbach · 01/09/2021 00:55

YABU it's your home.......and his too!

ChaneySays · 01/09/2021 01:35

@Moelwynbach

YABU it's your home.......and his too!
Exactly!

The way it's transpired is the fairest as both parties got to enjoy an equal amount of time wfh. I'd be annoyed as the husband if it was demanded that I gave up the opportunity to wfh, especially so somebody could sit and drink wine with their mates whilst I slogged away.

timeisnotaline · 01/09/2021 01:53

Do not let him get out of night wakings because he’s working in the office!!

TheStoic · 01/09/2021 03:52

How soon will you be back in the office? Have you had a proper conversation about how night wakings/drop offs/sick days will work?

HoppingPavlova · 01/09/2021 05:49

*I don’t understand why you didn’t just say to him “okay, it might not be a problem for you but I want the house to myself so my friends can come round and we can have some space, so please go to the office on X day. I want to spend time with them without you here”.

Is this a thing? I have a full house of numerous adult children and a DH, now all a combo of WFH full time, WFH part-time, studying at home full-time, studying at home part time.

In no world do we make some weird roster to ensure only one of us are home at the one time, dictating everyone else must be out, so we can invite friends around! If we want friends we invite them. The reality is there will be others home, and as we are a packed house with numerous adults, chances are there will be quite a few people here. I can’t think of a time where any one of our ‘general common’ areas (not bedrooms) wouldn’t either have someone else in it doing something or people walking in and out for whatever reason. We don’t ‘spy’ on each other, we don’t ‘control’ each other - it’s just living with other humans. You can’t ask people to go hide in their rooms because you want friends over FFS, how very odd!

I’m not getting the issue. If you wanted friends over just invite them. Do whatever you want around your DH. If it’s an issue for him, he can take himself out. If it doesn’t bother him he stays in-situ. Problem is what?

MattyGroves · 01/09/2021 07:12

What people tried to tell you in the last threads was exactly the same thing: be direct and communicate better. You then told everyone they were mean to you.

You're also just kind of obsessed with this one thing. The last threads in involved so much catastrophising "I won't have any friends left because I can't have anyone over and that is the only way I can possibly socialise and if my DH hears one word of my chit chat my life is over". Honestly a bit obsessive over one way of socialising. There are other ways to see people than in your house!

DappledThings · 01/09/2021 07:33

What people tried to tell you in the last threads was exactly the same thing: be direct and communicate better. You then told everyone they were mean to you
Indeed. And you seem terrified of even slightly upsetting him by telling him how you really feel and just hoping he will suddenly get it. There is nothing wrong with actually saying that his presence is actually difficult when it is continuous, and that it is annoying. That doesn't have to mean it's a personal attack, just an explanation of your needs. And as many people said previously you really are allowed to explicitly state your own needs. It isn't unreasonable to do so.

Original poster
Pinknoises · 01/09/2021 07:34

I don’t think I am obsessed, although I think some posters are over invested. I think the problem is Matty, once you’ve tried to communicate and it has not worked, you’re stuck!

I think it is his home and I don’t object to it being used as such. It’s living in a workplace which is hard. It isn’t the case DH is typing away on his laptop for ten hours a day, he pings out as soon as I try to watch something or read or relax. There really is a lot I can’t do because I am just in the way.

He had a holiday last week - no problems with him being home. But WFH is different.

I agree a rota would be very peculiar. The lack of leaving the house does worry me though. I am not sure it is healthy.

OP posts: