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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nursery being totally unsupportive of toilet training - AIBU

142 replies

SparrowMaiden · 31/08/2021 19:08

Sorry in advance for long post.

My dd is 2y, 2m. We did three-day intensive toilet training with her the weekend before last and it went incredibly well. She is still in nappies at night, but during the day as she proudly says "no more nappies". Last week she was back at nursery and it didn't go well. She was having 4-5 accidents a day, yet at home, in the loo, every time. I was told this was normal, and it would get better. Over the bank holiday, she had one accident, in the whole three days. During this time we went to a playback play park for an hour, we went on two 1.5hour car journeys and she visited both sets of grandparents, so was using other people's loos. And still, only that one accident on Saturday and none at all on Sun and Mon. Then today she was back at nursery. She was incredibly distressed in the car on the way and did not want to go at all. This evening when I went to collect her, I was told she had one accident today - a poo. Better, I thought, although still not ideal. Then the nursery owner came out to have a little chat with me. Started telling me how anxious she seemed about potty training (at home, she is not, she is super proud of herself) and how they didn't understand why we had started training her when she clearly isn't ready. They said they had been putting nappies on her for meals and naps (even when I had expressly said not to) and that if it carried on like this they would tell me to send her back in in nappies. I was absolutely furious and felt like I was being accused of not knowing my daughter or her needs (that was definitely the tone). Honestly I feel like taking her out of nursery. Whatever they are doing or not doing is clearly upsetting her and she is so brilliant at home, I know it is not her that is the problem!!! AIBU to be angry???

OP posts:
ScaredOfDinosaurs · 31/08/2021 19:18

She is young to be fully trained but it seems like she is ready. The trouble is, if you move her to a new childcare setting she may regress anyway.

As a first port of call, I'd try to work with the current nursery. However, them not listening to you is concerning, what are they like generally?

Disneycharacter · 31/08/2021 19:20

Is there a nursery policy on toilet training? Do they say anything about wearing nappies.

Angryfrommanchester1 · 31/08/2021 19:21

Not good, you really need your nursery to be onboard with what you are doing.
I’d ask them what their routine is fit toilet training and what they think they can do to support you.

Sirzy · 31/08/2021 19:24

Is she actually communicating to you when she needs the toilet or are you just taking her regularly?

poshme · 31/08/2021 19:26

Just to put another point of view- children can react differently in different places.

One of my DC was fully toilet trained at home several months before they cracked it at nursery. Kept wetting endless pants.

We sent pull ups in for a while, and then tried again a few months later at nursery.

MrsFin · 31/08/2021 19:27

She is young to be fully trained

Really Hmm. I wouldn't have said so.

shockedNeighbour · 31/08/2021 19:28

I can see both sides here.

The issue with nursery (compared to home) is that there is a LOT of stimulation - with lots of different areas/friends/activities. Many children that get on well with toilet training at home can struggle with transitioning that skill into a busy distracting nursery environment.

Also - with accidents in nursery it can be a bit of nightmare if it happens around others (trying to keep them out of the mess) and disinfecting any resources/rugs/carpets.

That said, given your daughter is just 2 years old there should be a fairly low ratio of adults to children (1-5 for 2 year olds in Scotland) so her key worker should be working with her to regularly remind/encourage her to use the bathroom.

As others have mentioned definitely go through their policy on this.

Forserious · 31/08/2021 19:29

YABU.
Our children react differently in different settings. What is all very well and good at home, can be a whole different scenario at nursery/school/work situations and that goes for adults too.

It's impossible to be rightfully angry at the nursery. They've expressed their concerns to you and you're dismissing them. Listen to them and remove this unnecessary extra pressure from both your sides.

Communicate with your child. Are the toilets scary at nursery. Is the flush different. Do they close the doors. Is there a smell in there. Is she having too much fun to think about going to the toilet, because accidents are OK you just want to understand what the difference is. Is she scared of missing out when she does go to the loo. Are her friends toilet training as well or is she being "treated differently" I.e. the odd one out. All these things can have an effect.

Communicate with the nursery. You feel she is ready at home so let's figure out the differences. At home she does/doesn't need encouragement. She does/doesn't have difficulty in removing her bottom half on order to go the loo etc.

Don't be angry. These things take a long time. Not 2 or 3 days. I know - my eldest took 1-2 weeks whereas my youngest is 7 (although ASD and LD) and we're still trying after around 4 years!

Don't change her setting, work with the nursery and you will both succeed I'm sure. Good luck

OoglyMoogly · 31/08/2021 19:29

@Sirzy

Is she actually communicating to you when she needs the toilet or are you just taking her regularly?
Good question.
PlanDeRaccordement · 31/08/2021 19:29

Nursery is a completely different environment and many children who are happy to practice potty training with their parents, cannot do it at nursery. So some regression is normal. I do think you are putting a lot of pressure on her to essentially be fully potty trained after only 3 days intensive training with you. Yes, she can do it now with you (think of it as you are her coach), but doing it without you can be frightening and create anxiety. I’d be more relaxed and keep practicing at home, but let her know it’s ok to have accidents in nursery or to take a break and just wear a nappy there if she wants to. It’s about building confidence and comfort with their own bodily functions. This takes more time than 3 days!

Whinge · 31/08/2021 19:30

Does she have free access to the toilets at nursery?

Just over 2 is on the younger side to be trained, and some nurseries might not be used to children her age being trained. If she has to wait to use the toilet then that could cause anxiety, and lead to multiple accidents.

phishy · 31/08/2021 19:33

YABU, I think. She is probably getting wee/poo on surfaces which will need constant cleaning, it must be very time consuming for the nursery.

UndertheCedartree · 31/08/2021 19:33

I remember my DD being great at home but at nursery lots of accidents. They were very supportive, however.

I agree with the point are you taking her to the toilet regularly or is she asking? Perhaps a chat with nursery about how it works at home would help?

Nurseynoodles · 31/08/2021 19:33

They should be asking her regularly if she needs the toilet. Both my DC trained early (24 and 22 months) and nursery/childminder were fantastic with asking them regularly. Will they do that or will they just leave her to tell them?

I don’t think you should be asking them to make her nap without a nappy though until she is reliably dry post sleep.

Tataru · 31/08/2021 19:35

How's her communication? Is she able to say/recognise when she needs to go? Or will she just go if she's taken?

Thesearmsofmine · 31/08/2021 19:35

Is she able to tell them when she needs to go and go independently?

SunbathingDragon · 31/08/2021 19:36

Lots of children are reliably dry at home but struggle when elsewhere for a while. If she’s not capable of being dry when distracted, then I agree she is not ready to be classed as trained.

Tumbleweed101 · 31/08/2021 19:37

We find that under 2.5 they have more accidents if they are toilet training in a nursery setting. This can be down to the fact they are busy playing and leave it too late and the adults around them are busy so may miss the more subtle signs they need to go which you may spot one to one at home. As they get older they need to be reminded less and can manage alone more easily. They may also be shy to tell an adult they need to go.

We will always work with the parents but occasionally we've had to tell parents that at nursery they aren't quite ready even if they are doing OK at home. In regards to nappies at nap time, we don't unless a child is having a lot of sleeping accidents at which point we'd talk to the parent.

Load3 · 31/08/2021 19:38

@Sirzy

Is she actually communicating to you when she needs the toilet or are you just taking her regularly?
This is everything. You have the time to be asking every five mins if she needs to go to the toilet. Her nursery setting, likely, do not.
PileOfBooks · 31/08/2021 19:39

It sounds like she isn't ready for it at nursery. Maybe nappies for nursery and not anywhere else? Then in a while try again?

It's not unusual for it to be different in different settings (and tbh without you there) or for it to take longer than 3 days

ThisOneNow · 31/08/2021 19:39

It sounds like the nursery dealt with the situation badly but I can see why they are frustrated. We just did potty training at home for the first month and only took nappies away at nursery when DS was very good at asking to go, instead of having to be reminded. It didn't seem to affect his potty training.

Northernlurker · 31/08/2021 19:41

I think you've screwed thus up tbh. She is young to be reliably trained and you have clearly not communicated enough with the nursery.
I found our nursery very supportive with toilet training fwiw.
Intensive training is bollocks btw, they are either ready and get it and don't need endless pro,lying and timing or they aren't.

WiggIyWoo · 31/08/2021 19:45

She is young to be fully trained
I disagree with this. On MN children always seem to be potty trained around 3 or even later but that's not my experience in real life at all. Girls have tended to be younger than boys and I know many little girls, including my daughter, who were trained in a week around age 2.

mynameiscalypso · 31/08/2021 19:46

I don't really understand why you'd persevere with something that is causing your child to be upset? Why not just go back to nappies until both you and nursery can work together and both think she's ready? It will presumably only be a few months. I have a DS of the same age and am not even thinking about it at the moment.

Goldbar · 31/08/2021 19:46

If she's having 4-5 accidents a day at nursery, send her in pull ups for a bit until she can reliably recognise and communicate that she needs to go even in a busy environment. It must be so stressful for her constantly having accidents and needing to be changed.