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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nursery being totally unsupportive of toilet training - AIBU

142 replies

SparrowMaiden · 31/08/2021 19:08

Sorry in advance for long post.

My dd is 2y, 2m. We did three-day intensive toilet training with her the weekend before last and it went incredibly well. She is still in nappies at night, but during the day as she proudly says "no more nappies". Last week she was back at nursery and it didn't go well. She was having 4-5 accidents a day, yet at home, in the loo, every time. I was told this was normal, and it would get better. Over the bank holiday, she had one accident, in the whole three days. During this time we went to a playback play park for an hour, we went on two 1.5hour car journeys and she visited both sets of grandparents, so was using other people's loos. And still, only that one accident on Saturday and none at all on Sun and Mon. Then today she was back at nursery. She was incredibly distressed in the car on the way and did not want to go at all. This evening when I went to collect her, I was told she had one accident today - a poo. Better, I thought, although still not ideal. Then the nursery owner came out to have a little chat with me. Started telling me how anxious she seemed about potty training (at home, she is not, she is super proud of herself) and how they didn't understand why we had started training her when she clearly isn't ready. They said they had been putting nappies on her for meals and naps (even when I had expressly said not to) and that if it carried on like this they would tell me to send her back in in nappies. I was absolutely furious and felt like I was being accused of not knowing my daughter or her needs (that was definitely the tone). Honestly I feel like taking her out of nursery. Whatever they are doing or not doing is clearly upsetting her and she is so brilliant at home, I know it is not her that is the problem!!! AIBU to be angry???

OP posts:
WoMandalorian · 31/08/2021 19:47

YABU. Nursery is different to home with mum. You already said she was incredibly distressed on the way to nursery and didn't want to go in. That was your 2yo telling you she wants a nappy in nursery.

KingdomScrolls · 31/08/2021 19:51

DS seemed ready at that age, he wasn't unless we took him to the toilet a million times a day and kept reminding him he wasn't wearing a nappy. My friend has a daughter she claims has been trained from two, she hasn't she had accidents for months and friends still takes her to the toilet all the time. We tried again with DS at 2.7 during two weeks annual leave for us, he just got it straight away, he goes a long time between toilet stops takes himself to the toilet without being reminded even in the middle of play, no sleep accidents etc, so you need to focus on or even ask what the nursery mean by ready for their setting as it may be different to what is ready for you at home. DS has had one accident at nursery the first time he was there without a nappy, he woke up groggy from his 2 hour nap, jumped straight up and said I need a wee, ran to the toilet but went the wrong way, his keyworker stopped him and turned him in the right direction and he'd had a little accident but had stopped himself rather than a full wet. That's the only time. His keyworker even said to me I wish more people would wait and do it when they are properly ready.

Teacupsandtoast · 31/08/2021 19:56

How long is she going between toilet visits at home? Are you just regularly prompting her/taking her? 26 months IS early, and if she is in a busy toddler room and cant express when she needs to go, it's unreasonable to expect staff to toilet her every 30 mins/60 mins

Calmdown14 · 31/08/2021 19:58

This is precisely what pull ups are for.
You are on her at home, looking for signs, asking if she needs to go. She'll never get that level of attention at nursery and certainly not at meal times.
Explain to her they are her special big girl nursery pants and show her how easy they are to put up and down.
Nursery aren't being unreasonable with meal times and naps. Meal times are chaotic and they need to supervise other children. Cleaning up a mess and changing a child makes this hard. Nap times are quiet and calm and again, accidents disrupt this.
Do a week just in pull ups, then either put normal pants under them or buy the washable training underwear that will prevent a big puddle but she will be aware she's wet.
It really doesn't seem worth falling out with the nursery over and you did say she was distressed so forcing it isn't making anyone happy.

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 31/08/2021 20:00

Can you try cloth toilet training pants for nursery?

Twizbe · 31/08/2021 20:00

My daughter was an early and quick trainer. Within a few days she was reliably dry during the day. She's only just 2 and a half.

She had some accidents at nursery and nursery have told me she is a bit more emotional about using the toilet. She's a VERY good speaker and has told me that she doesn't like the nursery toilet's flush. My son didn't like it either.

It's perfectly possible that she's not as comfortable using the potty at home. It's fine to be trained at home and not at nursery.

Don't make her stressed, use nappies for now and see how you go.

3teens2cats · 31/08/2021 20:02

Quite often when there is the situation of accidents at nursery but not at home we find out that at home the child is either taken to the toilet every half an hour or so or they have a Potty in the living room, neither of which nursery can do so it is tricker for them to be dry.

girlmom21 · 31/08/2021 20:02

My little girl is 2y 3m, attends nursery full time and is potty (and uses the toilet at nursery) trained so I disagree with the comments saying she's too young, however the question about communication is very relevant. Is she telling you she needs the toilet or are you constantly asking and encouraging?

Leftphalange · 31/08/2021 20:03

I agree, try pull ups. Explain to the nursery this isn't how she is at home, however you appreciate she is struggling at nursery, and therefore you will do pull ups for a few weeks as a compromise and see how she goes. My son is currently in pull ups but doesn't associate them as nappies , just big pants. So you can continue to work on the training but it gives the nursery a security blanket so to speak

Dfhugdhvdnjrs · 31/08/2021 20:04

Clearly she is not ready and it seems unfair to expect so much of her (and by extension her nursery). If she is uncomfortable/worried about going that there is a redline in my view, you don’t want her to associate toilet training with something negative. Just over two is extremely young - why do you feel the need to push this so much? Give her more time.

twinningatlife · 31/08/2021 20:04

She is on the younger side to be expected to be dry all day and especially away from home

The difference I would imagine is that when she is home you are able to check with her every 20 mins or more if she needs the toilet and will be able to notice her cues that she needs to go - best willI in the world nursery staff have more children to monitor so can't do that as often? And at 2 presumably she can't get her own clothes off to get on the toilet herself - so is she
Confident and articulate enough to ask to be taken?

I had similar with my childminder and whilst I didn't agree with it she did put DD in nappies for the school run and also whilst napping but DD was 3 and it didn't seem to make her go backwards

The nursery can't be expected to deal with that many accidents. I'd continue the potty training at home but whilst at nursery she needs to be in pull ups and working on asking/telling them staff that she needs the loo. If she isn't doing that then she isn't ready to be dry

Out of interest was your "intensive" weekend of toilet training because she showed signs she was ready or because you wanted her to be?

Potty training when children are also in childcare should always be a team effort and I would have checked with them first whether they thought she was showing signs she was ready?

Tataru · 31/08/2021 20:04

If she's getting upset then I would put her back in nappies for nursery. Kids are pretty good at understanding that different places have different 'rules' or expectations. If she's stressed and upset about it at all, that can lead to withholding and all the problems that brings. She's still so little I wouldn't be making this a big deal. If she's happy at home then just continue with toilet/potty there and revisit it at nursery in a few months.

Rainallnight · 31/08/2021 20:05

If she’s not dry at nursery, then she’s not potty trained.

Rainallnight · 31/08/2021 20:05

Sorry, I meant to continue to say it’s no good you stamping your feet and saying she’s fine at home when she’s clearly not fine at nursery where she spends a lot (most?) of her waking hours.

Lottle · 31/08/2021 20:06

How frustrating for you. Having gone through potty training with my son recently I feel really angry for you. They always go back a step at nursery but they should be supportive of you. Could you agree a two week period with them with no nappies, to see how she goes? Is she wearing pants? Could she just wear trousers and no pants? Did you do What the Crap Potty Training?

234Pepperplant · 31/08/2021 20:09

My youngest went through this phase, at over a year older (part of your problem will be that your DD won’t have the vocabulary or emotional maturity to explain if there’s a problem) - turned out she was scared of the different toilets, worried about how to ask to go, distracted by all that was going on and basically needed a couple of days of lots of attention from staff - taking to the toilet 1:1, someone staying with her and lots of praise. Then she cracked it. But it took some staff time and input and positive encouragement- if they’re making your DD feel like a nuisance or telling her off for accidents or not taking her when she needs or keep putting her in nappies then she’s going to end up upset. Yes, she’s young by today’s standards, but that’s not an excuse to just write her off if she can do it at home. But if she is reliant on you taking her or can’t cope in nursery then maybe she goes to nursery in nappies and wears knickers at home - it’s not a big deal.

I think you need another chat with the manager. But without the “us versus them”, “they’re upsetting her”, “it’s definitely not my daughter” thing going on - it’s entirely possible the issue is in part your daughter, children behave differently in nursery - look how many eat things in nursery they will not at home! Don’t set it up as a battle.

JennaPenna · 31/08/2021 20:09

Started telling me how anxious she seemed about potty training

This to me sounds like she's abit nervous to tell them she needs to go etc.

Sweettea1 · 31/08/2021 20:11

My dd was the same went toilet at home no problem but having accidents in nursery. I think she was to busy playing and just completely forgot she must go the toilet. After a discussion with nursery we tried pull ups for nursery the accidents become less an less in nursery and after a couple of weeks she was out off them.

woodhill · 31/08/2021 20:14

Keep going OP

My dgd is under 2 and potty training. Nursery are on board

NigellaSeed · 31/08/2021 20:15

Yes exactly. A nursery worker has lots of children to deal with, they can't follow your DC around 1:1.

SlipSlop · 31/08/2021 20:16

As you have found OP, 3 days intensive potty training is fine if she doesn't go to nursery and you are around to keenly watch her and remind her to go.

But wouldn't it have been more sensible to train her over a week or so, preferably when she didn't go into nursery. To see how she got on with fewer prompts from you. Then for her to go into nursery, when she was more confident and less likely to have accidents through being distracted by nursery life. If accidents are frequent then a few days of being in pull ups should be no big deal for her or for you.

Bimblybomeyelash · 31/08/2021 20:18

I don’t think it is a big deal to keep out of nappies at home if it’s going well at home, and then in nappies at nursery. It may take a while before she is not having accidents in either setting and that is fine, she’s only just turned two. Its seems to be a thing that once toilet training has started , the child can never touch a nappy again, but I have found a more relaxed approach has worked fine with my children. I don’t think it’s fair to the nursery staff, or the child, to have a child that is having very frequent accidents. You know your child, but they know what works at nursery.

Blondeshavemorefun · 31/08/2021 20:18

As others said does dd say she needs a wee or are you taking /asking her every 30mins /hour

Goldbar · 31/08/2021 20:19

My DC was older than yours when they potty-trained but nursery was one of the last stages for them. First they were dry at home, then on short trips out, then nursery then long car journeys and finally naps (they still wear a nappy at night).

We found after they cracked it at home, each stage just naturally followed on from the previous one without us doing anything. So a month or so into potty-training, their nappy was almost always dry at nursery and the staff let us know DC could move to pants. It took a long time but was very low stress and very few accidents.

Santastealer · 31/08/2021 20:19

My DD was 23 months when she potty trained. She had one bad day at nursery with 3 accidents and then had 3-4 days of 1-2 accidents a day at nursery. They were completely supportive, when I wobbled and said I wasn’t sure she was ready they told me to keep going and that it was totally normal for them to have accidents at nursery when distracted. I think the nursery should be supporting you!

I used some Bambino Mio potty training pants for nursery at first. They won’t hold a full wee but they stop it ruining leggings, socks and the carpet if she has an accident!