DP doesn't think DS is disabled enough for a disabled parking space

[TheSoapyFrog]

Yesterday we; me, DP, DS1 and DS2 (both 7) went to the park for the afternoon. DS 1 is autistic and has learning disabilities as well as hypermobility. He receives both components of DLA and has a blue badge.
I spotted two empty disabled parking spaces near the entrance and said we should park in one of them. DP drove over, but started backing into a regular parking space. I asked what he was doing and he said we should let someone who is properly disabled and in a wheelchair have the spaces.
He then stops the car and says that there isn't enough room for DS to get out in the regular space so we should get out now before he parks up.
I was really quite taken aback by his stupidity and told him this is exactly one of the reasons why DS has a blue badge; because there isn't enough room to get out in a regular space. He is disabled and they don't just give out blue badges to anyone who asks. I filled out forms and provided a lot of evidence. No, DS doesn't have a wheelchair but what the hell does he think the wagon that we pull DS1 around in is for?!

These weren't even the only disabled parking spaces in the car park, although I don't think DP was aware. But these were the ones nearest to the main entrance. The usual disabled parking bay has been blocked off due to new facilities being built.

Was I being unreasonable and should we have left the spaces for someone more disabled?

@Rozziie

I think your husband is mostly right. You don't have to park in a disabled space just because you can. Your son getting out of the car before your husband parked up (with your help) isn't that much of a hardship. A disabled person alone in a car would not have the option to do that, so it would ruin their day out to arrive and discover they literally couldn't park at all.

Lots of disabled people need carers but this is not part of the assessment process at all. Nowhere does it say that only independent disabled people are entitled to blue badges or that only disabled people travelling alone are allowed to use blue badge spaces.

@Needtosleepzzzz

People who use a wheelchair don’t trump all other disabilities. It doesn’t work like that.

Nobody said that, it's just about using a bit of common sense.

I have a disability. It's an inflammatory bowel disease which means I often need to use the disabled loo, especially if there's a huge queue for the main loos. I would say this time sensitive need trumps any worry that a wheelchair bound person coming along after me might have to wait an extra few minutes - they're no more entitled to a priority toilet than I am. However, if I'm not having a flare-up and am feeling mostly fine, I don't use the disabled loo just because I can and because it's more pleasant and spacious. It would be unfair to make some in a wheelchair wait when I have the option to use the regular toilets and they don't.

It's just about being considerate and gauging whether or not your 'entitlement' is likely to end up ruining someone else's day.

@BoredZelda

My mum is disabled and wheelchair bound

Wheelchair user. Your mother is a wheelchair user.

She can't get out of it without help. She is nota wheelchair user, it's not some choice she's made. Whatever terminology you try to use to minimise it she had a stroke, she can't move the right hand side of her body and cannot walk, step or do anything other than sit in a wheelchair. She also can't speak.

So you can take your prim little "wheelchair user" and shove it

@LammasFires

No he can't. She cannot be left on her own

@karmakameleon so what, though? Someone who has the ability to avoid taking up a disabled space should do so, full stop. If they were able to get out of the car safely without it, then how much did they really need that space?

I hate this entitled attitude that just because you can do something, that you should. I hate it with people refusing to wear masks on trains ("it's not the law"), I hate it everywhere. It's selfish. What happened to just thinking about other people?

It's just about being considerate and gauging whether or not your 'entitlement' is likely to end up ruining someone else's day.

If you don’t feel you need a specific facility, you don’t need to use it. But in this situation the child’s mother was the best person to judge and she says he needed it.

If Op didn't think that her son needed to use an disabled space, and if the assessment had said he doesn't need a disabled space - he wouldn't have one. However, he does and she shouldn't feel any shame in using it.

[quote Rozziie]@karmakameleon so what, though? Someone who has the ability to avoid taking up a disabled space should do so, full stop. If they were able to get out of the car safely without it, then how much did they really need that space?

I hate this entitled attitude that just because you can do something, that you should. I hate it with people refusing to wear masks on trains ("it's not the law"), I hate it everywhere. It's selfish. What happened to just thinking about other people?[/quote]
@Rozziie

My son has had a blue badge since he was six months old. As his able bodied mother I have never needed to use a blue badge space when I’ve traveled with him. But can you for one moment imagine how much medical equipment we were carrying for a six month old baby to be deemed to qualify for a blue badge and how difficult our lives were? Yes I could have parked somewhere else safely, but why should I just because I could. Anything to make my life a little bit easier helped.

[quote Rozziie]@karmakameleon so what, though? Someone who has the ability to avoid taking up a disabled space should do so, full stop. If they were able to get out of the car safely without it, then how much did they really need that space?

I hate this entitled attitude that just because you can do something, that you should. I hate it with people refusing to wear masks on trains ("it's not the law"), I hate it everywhere. It's selfish. What happened to just thinking about other people?[/quote]
I might be able to park somewhere else and granted, would struggle, when we arrive but really need it on the way back. What then? Get a crystal ball. My need for a bay ends with me having a BB and being allowed to use it.

I think yabu because between the two of you your ds didn't need the space. If there was just ds and one of you then yes, use the space.

Well his reaction makes me wonder if there are other time when he thinks your ds isn’t that bad… basically ignoring your ‘inside’ knowledge of how affected your ds is…

I also think autism plus learning disability and hyper mobility isn’t the same than UC.
In one case, UC, you can have flare ups and periods when everything is fine and you can get in with your life.
Autism doesn’t flare up, nor does learning disabilities. There won’t be a ‘good’ day or a ‘bad’ day as such.

@TheSoapyFrog I used to work with adults who had an LD, many of whom needed a BB due to their disability. In your situation with a well developed and possibly physically strong 7 year old I suggest you enlist the help of your MP regarding a wheelchair. Hopefully your dp will understand that the space is necessary for ds1 to get out safely especially when you're on your own with the dcs

I also don’t agree that the OP shouldn’t use a disabled space of she isn’t in her own. Because basically it’s asking her to make her life more difficult than it already is. The car would be stuck in the middle of the road stopping other cars moving around. Which again means the OP has to rush etc…

It’s not just ‘if you can because there are two of you’. It would be ‘it’s manageable but requires more effort, rushing, potentially child kicking off’ etc…
Again it’s the opposite from the UC example earlier where the difference is just having more space in the disabled toilet - aka it’s nicer. Rather than having to make the extra effort and potentially making your life much harder.

@RacistAngst

Well his reaction makes me wonder if there are other time when he thinks your ds isn’t that bad… basically ignoring your ‘inside’ knowledge of how affected your ds is…

I also think autism plus learning disability and hyper mobility isn’t the same than UC.
In one case, UC, you can have flare ups and periods when everything is fine and you can get in with your life.
Autism doesn’t flare up, nor does learning disabilities. There won’t be a ‘good’ day or a ‘bad’ day as such.

The point is that it might not always be essential to use a disabled bay. Two adults travelling with him? Might be alright to use a regular bay and get out before parking. OP travelling alone with the kids? Yes, they probably need the disabled bay for the extra space. The point was that context matters - you should think, do I actually need this today or is it just slightly more convenient?

I have to say, I’m wondering if the posters who say that the DP was right would also be happy to say that to an adult who is using a wheelchair and can walk a couple of steps (like many wheelchair users).

Would they be happy to see the car stopping in the middle, someone coming out all wobbly, needing support whilst someone else come out of the car to take the wheelchair out. All that in front of a disabled space that was free.
I don’t know but I would be thinking that those people who insist on making that disabled person walk/stand unnecessarily are twats

My eldest has autism and ADHD. At 7 he has a disability badge. I rarely used it but I had it because when in meltdown he was a risk to himself and others or if I couldn't get parked somewhere within a few minutes walk he would likely have caused himself an injury. I decided to only use the spaces when essential as wheelchair users may not be able to get out if I took one and didn't need to on that day. However I never felt guilty when I did use a space as he needed it. Neither of you are right or wrong but it's a good idea to be aware that someone in a wheelchair or who has a child in a wheelchair may not be able to get parked elsewhere. If the wheelchair spaces are limited and you can get a big enough space for your son to get out safely then maybe consider using them. My son got yo the point at 8 we no longer needed the blue badge so did not renew it

See my post above @Rozziie.

If it was an adult, I would think that the people accompaning the disabled person are twats for asking them to standing wobbly on the road whilst they finish parking.
And that’s wo the autism/LD that can make a child very hard to handle (eg if they suddenly decide to bolt. Would you be able to stop a strong 7yo? I’d it ok to them in danger lie, this?)

I don’t know but I would be thinking that those people who insist on making that disabled person walk/stand unnecessarily are twats

I agree. A lot of this seems to be about making disabled people’s lives (and their carers) just a little bit harder. You know, just in case someone more disabled comes along.

Dad had a badge and we could park further away, what we couldn't do was get him out of the car without space to turn his body completely and assist him up from the seat. If there were good size bays I'd often park in a normal bay but I really needed the space for the door to open completely and often without a disabled bay, and margin around the car, that was impossible.

People never say this about non blue badge parking spaces do they?

“The car park at the supermarket is always so busy. I know I’ll take the bus today, save those parking spaces for someone who really needs it.”

People aren't just given blue badges, you have to fit into a certain criteria. You are entitled to use a disabled space because your son is disabled.

We shouldn't be playing Disabillity top trumps here, my son has severe autism and learning disabilities, he has a blue badge as he has zero awareness of danger often disabled spaces are closer to the entrance to where ever we are going, my mum also has a blue badge due to having a stroke and not being able to walk, neither is more entitled than the other to their blue badge.

Blue badges are for people who need extra room not just wheelchairs. We have one for similar reasons

@RacistAngst

See my post above *@Rozziie*.

If it was an adult, I would think that the people accompaning the disabled person are twats for asking them to standing wobbly on the road whilst they finish parking.
And that’s wo the autism/LD that can make a child very hard to handle (eg if they suddenly decide to bolt. Would you be able to stop a strong 7yo? I’d it ok to them in danger lie, this?)

This is whataboutery.

OP didn't say they needed two adults on standby to get the kid out of the car, she said they thought they should park in the disabled bay because they could. It sounded as if either way she'd be getting him out of the car on her own. Only she truly knows deep down how much extra effort that required compared to using a disabled bay. It's not a simple black/white situation. It sounds as if the real issue here extends far beyond parking spaces and that she feels her partner is downplaying the child's disability in general.

[quote karmakameleon]@Lokdok

Incidentally, you say you’d have done the same as the OP’s partner, but is it just a hypothetical situation for you or do you actually have a disabled child?[/quote]
Not hypothetical. I have a blue badge!